Desperately seeking help and advice. My story starts twenty-one and half years ago when I married a girl I dated for a couple years. Back then I never drank or went club hopping. I drove to her house as often as I could because I was stationed in the Air Force and lived 8 hours away from her. In the early years I wasn’t the best husband and did things I wasn’t proud of. No, I didn’t hit her or anything like that, just emotionally abusive. Don’t know why, maybe because of my childhood. Because of my job we were separated on several occasions. And I did some things that I am not proud of – A. Anyhow, I thought things were going good since I finally got my act together but at the eleven-year mark she had an Affair and wanted a divorce. It drove me to the edge of suicide. I lost about twenty pounds in less than two weeks. I finally sought the help of a Christian counselor who was able with the help of God salvage our marriage. It was hard at first but I didn’t care because I wanted her in my life. I used to get up in the middle of the night and just cry. Just like all the times she has done when I hurt her so badly. Over time I thought things were going ok, but I had a very stressful job. I started going to a certain pub to socialize with the guys I work with. I remember she used to page me and when I called she begged me to come home. And I would always say, “Be home shortly!” God, would I love to hear her say those words to me now.

Over time she would be cold to me and hold back sex for months at a time. Gosh, I wish they had this website back then, I could’ve seen the signs and tried to correct the things I was doing wrong. Anyhow, I finally got the Internet at the house because of work, and started emailing a few women on the Internet. She caught me. She was devastated and wanted a divorce. If it weren’t for my brother talking to her (divorced three times) we probably would have. I straighten up and just went to work and provided for my family often neglecting her. But at the time I couldn’t see that. I moved up to different positions within different companies of which one I traveled a lot. She asks me one time could her and the boys (two) could come with me and I said sure. I told that when I go to those jobs that I am extremely busy but she stated that was ok. I know she was probably thinking I was going out and having a good time. But I wasn’t. Just working the job.

Once I moved from that company, I took a teaching job. Teaching classes both day and night. I had to make ends meet. Once again, neglecting my wife. Over time I noticed she would turn her back to me and be cold. Well the colder she got, the more depressed I had become. I turned back to the Internet. She caught me again. We separated for a few weeks and then she seen how badly I was hurting she allowed me to come back home. I slowly start stopping by the local pub again to try to unwind. Eventually, she decided if she wanted to be with me she had to join me. (Worst mistake of my life)

Thought things were going ok but noticed her becoming cold and distance again. Started to hear things like “I love you but not in love with you” or “I love you like a brother” etc. Once again, we separated because she said she needed her space. All the things of the past was creating bad images in her mind and she needed to think things through. Every time we separated it seem like my whole world was coming apart. She started going a lot with her girlfriends, and I started to get jealous. Started trying to control her. Wrong thing. Separated number three. The most time of separation was about 9 weeks. I reached out for some companionship online again and actually met the person and had a one-night stand. She said that was the last straw but we got back together. See a pattern here? No professional help involved. No counseling. I tried my best to be the best husband I could be. I came home from work everyday. Never emailed anyone other than work related. But I noticed she had become distance again, getting colder and colder each day. Then I started getting emails from the person I messed up with. But I didn’t respond. I just deleted them. Never dreaming it was her (wife) sending them. I stopped all contact with everyone trying to make my marriage work. She was testing me but not for the reasons I thought.

Five weekends ago she said she was going away for the weekend with her girlfriends shopping. This was verified by a reliable source so I wasn’t too worried. However, I should’ve seen the signs. Like her not letting using her cell phone, started wearing sexy underwear but not in front of me, amongst other things. Anyhow, the next weekend, she got a phone call and she said that a girlfriend of hers wanted to go a town a couple hours away and might stay the night to go to the mall. (That is not where she was). She even called me when she got there and told me that she loved me and would call me in the morning to let me know what time she would leave. I didn’t get a call the next day and she showed up at 9pm that Sunday night.

She said she was extremely sore. That her private parts were hurting from all the walking. That is when I noticed the chance in her. She went fast after that. The next morning she told me when we were getting ready for work, she didn’t love me anymore and what should we do about it. I felt like I got hit in the stomach with a sledgehammer. I told her I would try harder. It was Thanksgiving week. She finally left Thursday at 3:30pm at dinner. She said that she was leaving, not knowing if she was coming back, Sunday, or Monday, or if she would ever come back. And not to try calling her, or calling her family or friends.

She told her sons later that she was up at a friend’s camp. Which proved to be a lie. Because she had no where to go, I told her to come home and she could stay in the house and I would move into the unfinished new house that we are building. When she came home that Monday evening, she told me that it was over. I was devastated. I left and I didn’t contact her at all. My youngest son (just turned 18 and still in high school) was left all alone because she had left every night and the following two weekends. It wasn’t until he told me that she was gone almost two weeks. Just stopping in to wash clothes, etc.

When her family found out about it, they tried calling her but she was slow in responding, often hours. Her mom and dad were extremely upset with her for leaving a teenage son unattended for long periods of time. I tried checking on him as often as I could but I was thinking she was still living at home. Well, eventually it caught up because my son was arrested on Friday night. I didn’t get the call until Saturday morning. I went to get him and finally she called my cell phone. I told her I was getting him and where was she. She said she was on her way home (2 ½ hours later). Only to check on him and then she left again.

I talked to my son about what was bothering him so; he finally came out and said that he knew his mom was staying every night with a man living in trailer park on the edge of Houston, TX. Driving back and forth everyday. And that this had being going on for quite some time. And that in intercepted a voice mail call months earlier from a guy calling her cell phone.

My whole was shattered. I can only imagine what he was going through trying to keep the secret. It was more than he could deal with. When she came home Sunday morning, after I told her mom and dad about what she was up to, because they still didn’t have no idea why she was acting the way she was, then I confronted her. Of course, initially she denied everything, and then finally, she confessed. That this man makes her happy and that she was the one holding the marriage together for all these years and now it was her turn to be happy. Regardless of whom it affected.

She had no remorse or anything for what she has done and continues to do. My youngest son was crushed, so was my nineteen year old but he keeps a lot of things to himself. She was evening defending the guy to our sons and that it was my entire fault why she has turned to another man. And that she thought she was in love with him. All three of us, sat down with her and try to reason, but she wasn’t having any of that. She has made her mind up and no one was going to change it. She said the kids are grown and they can make it through this (denial).

That was the last time I saw her. She was going around to all of her friends and family to face the music, no doubt using me as an escape goat for what she’s done. The boys want me to hurry and finish the bathroom in the new house so they can move in with me. She told them (boys) that she would be staying home more often now. We will have to wait and see. Needless to say, I still love her, and would take her back, but some changes have to be made to keep repeating this over and over again. She is acting like she is sixteen again. It doesn’t seem to bother her that the boys and I are so upset with her basically living with this guy.

I don’t know what to do now. I want very much for our marriage to work even though I have a lot to overcome because I never done what she have done. I have started going to counseling trying to make it through this. PLEASE someone give me a ray of hope.

44 years old
WS is 39
21 1/2 married
2 boys 18 & 19

What a mess. Start reading here, especially about meeting emotional needs, and Plan A. That is where you should be. Explain to your boys that their mother is "not herself" right now. Leaving the family to fend for their selves is very common when WS's are on a roll.

Finish that bathroom, and have the boys move in with you. This is a critical time for them and they need some support and guidance. I'm sure she will be back, but in the meantime you've got a lot of work to do. Study the MB program, it will really help. When you need support, post here or in general questions.

It will be a miserable time for you with all of this going on, but things will get better. The key is to stay busy (not at the local pub or on-line chatrooms). Your marriage needs some serious work, and you can start alone. Read all of the information here until it becomes second nature. Some of it is very difficult to do, but it is worth it to have a better marriage. Hang in there and don't give up.

The changes you want to happen in your M have to start within before they can even start with your M.

Your WS sounds like she is almost giving you retribution for your actions throughout your M.

Try to remember what she had to go through and tolerate during your difficult times and afford her the same opportunity for reconciliation as she did to you.

Thanks for the support. I have been extremely down lately. The thought of her staying with OP is driving me crazy. She is acting not at all like the person I love. Even my sons confronted her about what she is doing and she really didn't even pay them any mind. Like she was looking right through them. As for me, I haven't talk to her since Sunday when all this happened. I don't know whether just to stop all contact with her and let her initiate or what. Please advise.