Hi, I'm the mother of a 1 yr old and a 3 yr old. My husband never wanted me to stay home with the kids from the very start. He felt we needed two incomes. Well, to me, I felt dedicating myself to my kids was more important. This has caused big fights for us. Now 4 yrs later, he was fired and its coming on 5 months. Its a miracle we've been able to pay the mortgage and the car and other bills. Things are late, but if they get later, it could become worse. He sits at home and sends emails half of the day and surfs the web the other half. He acts like nothings wrong. I'm worried sick. My parents really like him and have offered to help financially from my mothers retirement fund(they dont have much money), and he acts like this bothers him, but he doesnt seem to want to settle for less than what he was making before. I understand, but we may lose everything. He has been fired before and thinks nothing of it, but quickly gets another job. He's got authority issues that I now know of and an attitude problem, although his jobs are in corporate America in Manhattan. We moved to the suburbs of NJ, and theres all these women here that raise their kids and their husbands work happily. I know deep in my heart I wanted this, but he's not giving me security. My kids are little, but should I just take matters into my own hands and work. Before I had kids, I took care of kids and made pretty good money and this way, I can pay whats late and save our stuff. What about my husband though. When is enough, enough. How long do I have to see his lazy [censored] doing nothing all day, until it becomes a real dysfunctional problem. If I get a job will it make him comfortable?

Try posting your question on some of the other boards for more responses...General Questions II is busy, and you will get more replies there.<p>Could your H be depressed? It sounds like he sure has something on his mind. He is using the pc as an escape, and that is not healthy, nor will it get him a job.<p>As to the issue of you not working....maybe you need to come to some sort of agreement on that. Sounds like he resents that, and if so, it will erode your marriage somewhat. Maybe you could take part-time work? Just a thought.<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

My husband went through the same thing...feeling all was hopeless. Could his depression have anything to do with the terrorist attacks? In any case you do what's best for your children. If that means you go to work in order to put food in their little bellies, then do it, somebody's gotta do the thinking around here! Keep trying to talk to your honey, I'm sure he is also worried about your finances too but he's gotta be "the man". And "the man" don't let his wifey know he worries.
That's just my thought...hope all goes well because Christmas is coming fast!

thank you for your replies. Its nice to hear someone when you reach out. I decided I will work, and I'm getting ready to do that soon.
thanks,<p>Thie

I get depressed but I still have to take care of my family....<p>only you know when enough is enough...you might do some home care for children. I agree that your most important job is raising those kids. I would be worried sick, too.<p>I had a similar problem with my H the first 1 1/2 yrs we were married. He had 18 jobs in 15months...somehow things never worked out and he was always out of work. I thought I was gonna go crazy. I mean, I make decent money but I'm not gonna support a grown(physically anyway) man. This, compounded by some other things, led me to ask him to leave and he did. He was gone 1 week but he had to have a job before he came back and it was with the understanding that he was never to be one day without work or actively looking for it again. That was 2.5 yrs ago and he hasn't been unemployed since.<p>Said it was a wake up call and that he never thought I would really do anything about it but he knew then that I was serious. Caution, though, if you play a game, you have to be prepared for the consequences. I just had all I could take.<p>I'm sure you have talked to him until you are blue in the face. Maybe you go to work and he has to be Mr. Mom....and I would definitely disconnect the internet.

hello [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>men are funny animals ...their egos bruise easily and most of them cant talk about it [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] go figgure<p>i agree he might be depressed and feeling worthless and somewhat hopeless but hes showing you aloofness<p>this happened to me with my X too i finally found him a job and he took it ...he could have done what i did but would never have<p>he had been laid off from a division of a company and what i did was simply call and say...hey he is a GREAT worker dont you have ANY openings for him?<p>they did but it never occured to them that he might be interested...he was and he took the job [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>sometimes it takes a little creativity...and your guy might be different or he might appreciate the help<p>my X was overwhelmed with the rejections and quit functioning ...its a man thing [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] hehe

TALK TO HIM
tell him how you truly feel.
do not be afraid.
a job gets you a mortgage and luxuries in life i am sure he enjoys.
things your children need and things you want them to have.
there's nothing wrong with you wanted to feel stable and secure!!!

I agree with the depression theory. I work as a nurse, and see depression a lot. A serious change in life (ie...getting fired) is a precursor to depression. The longer the unemployment lasts the worse it is. I was in this situation with my husband as well (he couldn't or wouldn't keep a job to save his life). I finally gave him an ultimatum. "You have until the end of the month to get a job or you are out." He started a new job today. I also took him to the doctor. He agreed that my husband was probably depressed. I would suggest he get on Celexa. thats what my husband is taking and he has become a new person. I actually like him again. With celexa there are very few side effects as apposed to most anti-depressants. My husband and I have had a lot of problems this past month. I have always told him "you make an effort you can stay, but you have to want to change". You can only be his crutch so long. You have to take care of your children. You can't force him to change, but sometimes tough love is the best. My husband is also not alowed to quite a job unless he gets a better one, or we both agree for whatever reason. I realize men have ego problems, but they have to get over them for the sake of the family. If your husband is threatened by you supporting the family tell his you will quit or cut back when he is employed. I would also remind him that any job is better than none. Even if he has to work at McDonalds, its at least an income. Maybe if your husband realizes he might loose everything including his family he will get scared. It worked with my husband. If it doesn't work, you and your kids are better off. Just let him know he can come back when he gets his life squared away. You also might want to start calling divorce lawyers, if he sees you are serious he might get a job. You can be 100% supportive, but not put up with crap, or force him to change. I told my husband "I will support you, but you have to do it yourself". My husband had a problem with lying to me, and everyone else. I even went so far as to pack his things and told him he can come back when he is ready to tell me the truth. He did right then and there. I would also suggest counseling. My husband and I met someone through our church, who was willing to do it for free. We are now working out our problems, although things aren't perfect, we have gone miles in the past month. Most importantly let your husband know you love him, you just can't live like this. Best of luck to you and your family. God bless.