10 years ago today, at about this very moment, I learned that my youngest son had stage IV neuroblastoma - a childhood cancer. He was three weeks shy of his third birthday. We lost him in August '99, after a long struggle.

10 months after he died, I learned of my wife's affair with her best friend's husband shortly after it began. Two months later, on the first anniversary of my son's death, I hit the lowest point in my life - the combination of the two events paralyzed me emotionally. I couldn't imagine a lower low. I sought medical help and was diagnosed in deep depression.

Soon, in Sept. 2000, I found MB. Despite everything I learned here, I was unsuccessful in saving my marriage and we divorced and the affairees are now married. I have to share my only remaining child's life with them.

Sometimes, life isn't fair or just.

Why am I writing this? I'm sharing this to offer some hope to those of you who feel like there is no hope. During my ordeal, I wrote thousands of posts on these forums - both taking and giving. I don't post much any more, but I suspect the population of posters is likely the same - including many who may feel like I felt during times in my past 10 years. What I have to say to you is this: you can endure. You HAVE to endure.

During my deceased son's illness, many friends and family asked, "How do you do it? How do you cope with the challenge?"

The answer was simple, "I have no choice but to cope." I HAD to cope.

So do you.

Fast forward 10 years.

Despite this solemn "anniversary" - I have these thoughts every Dec. 16 - I am thriving! To say I have learned a lot in the past 10 years is a petty description of my experience. The knowledge and wisdom I have gained - not to mention a grateful outlook on life itself - will serve me the rest of my life. I am in love again with a wonderful woman and our future has no bounds. My surviving son is vibrantly alive and, due to his experiences, already has wisdom, far beyond his years, that will serve him for life.

We REALLY lose only if we don't learn from our losses.

You CAN endure and come out better than before.

If I could overcome my challenges and come out better than before, so can you. Please accept that you will endure. You can thrive again. You have no option.

To: practicalfocus - I love you dearly. Please keep doing what you're doing!

<small>[ December 16, 2003, 07:09 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Great post Wat

WAT,

Can't really say much more than Eduard. Two thumbs up big guy.

God bless you (some more)

Dave,

Thanks for now & for well you know what. Hard to believe it has only been 3 yrs, it seems a life time ago.

Hoping for you to find even more peace & happiness. Gina

WAT:

Thanks for coming back 2 tell us that.

I've been trying 2 convince a few newbie WSs on here, and a few BSs as well, that there is no option but 2 recover from these experiences. There is no option that makes sense that doesn't involve a helluva lot of personal, spiri2al growth (and I'm an atheist).

If I can't save my M, I WILL be my FWW's friend for life, and we WILL be great coparents for life. There just isn't any alternative.

You worked right smack dab THROUGH your problems. There was no other way 2 do it. As there is no other way for any of us 2 do this.

best, always,
-ol' 2long

Thanks for coming back and sharing, Dave.

I have always suspected (and still do) that your xW fell into a deep depression from the effects of your son's illness/death as well. However, her way of coping was to run..........straight into the arms of OM.

Oh, well. Someday, she *may* recover from her "condition" and then won't she be sorry (wiser, but sorrier)?

More wisdom for her, but what a cost. And she will come to know the REAL MAN she lost.

Incredible story. Incredibly sad story.

I'm so glad you kept it together and have "survived" - and brought your other son through this intact with you. He will be the better person for having gone through this experience.

Dave, you ARE the man!!!!

Dave,

You are awesome guy!!!! I hope that you look back and remember the good times with your son and your family!!!! Those are the things to remember when we move on. We hold those things in a special place, nothing or no one can change them from what they were!!

Thank you for writing and sharing, I am sure that it was tough, but gets easier/different as the years pass!

God Bless you, your son and your new love!!!

Dawn

Thank you for sharing Dave. This post can help us all, no matter what "stage" we're in.

I'm sorry that so many of us must endure these sad anniversaries. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> But as you said, what choice do we have? We can never replace those bad times with good times, however, we CAN create new and happy memories, cherishing them all the more, b/c of what we have gone through in our pasts.

As usual, I am always thankful for your presence here on MB. You have a very special place in my heart, forevermore. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Karen

Hi Dave,

It is so good to hear from you and I think the message you bring will profoundly affect many people here.

I am glad that you have found happiness again, and I hope that this holiday season is a very special on for you.

You are right, your Son will be a stronger man for what he has seen and endured as are you.

I wish you all the best, and hope that you do keep stopping by from time to time.

God Bless,

JL

Dear Dave,

I know I am one of the thousands of posts you gave help to way back when in 2001....til now. I will forever be grateful. Despite the issues in your court, you still took the time to help us desparate newbies make it to the next level. You and others @ MB probably helped save our WS from the fire <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

Your recap was truly touching. In reality you have gone through so much and survived. Awesome!

I am for one, proud to have made your acquaintance. I wish you and yours all the best. We can vouch for you so if you need references, let us know, ok? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Between Shrek and the pirate on the high seas, is a loveable Dave.

All the best to you my friend,
L.

I've said this before and I'll say it again - WAT rocks!!

dear dave----please know that you and many others are angels sent to us when in need.

thank you for all you've shared with us all.

WAT,

Thank you for sharing your experience with us! I don't know you and your whole story but like you said there all similar in context. I am one of the ones that needed to hear what you have to say because I feel very alone in my struggle.

I need to know I will be okay and survive the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. Seeing and reading your words touched me to the core. If you can make it and be happy in the end so can a lot of us.

I have been told over and over to let go because we can't do anything about it. I find that to be very hard to do but I have to and reading your post was just what I needed. Thank you so much for sharing.

LJ

Hi Dave,

Echoing all that the other's have said---it's very nice to see you drop by.

God bless.

WAT,

Thank you. Just... thank you. I wish there were more than I could say, but there isn't. Well, yes there is. Blessings to you and the ones you love.

WAT

As you probably know, couples that loose a child frequently divorce. They mistakenly identify pain and suffering and loss with their spouse.

Many times we find ourselves in situations beyond our control and have no choice but to hang on tenaciously. It is comforting to know from one that has been through a terrifying ordeal that you are not just surviving but instead are thriving and have once again found love in your life.

Happy Holidays

Beau

Thanks all for the kind words. I think its our obligation to feed back words of encouragement to those who feel like I used to feel.

Beau - yes, you are correct that couples who experience a loss of a child frequently divorce - just like couples who do not. However, couples who have remaining children usually find the strength to grow closer - recognizing the precious value of their living kids. It is a highly individual response and I stayed in Plan A for over a year - recognizing the likely catalyst for my wife's "alien abduction" and wanting to give her every chance to seek real comfort. Of course, none of this explains the behavior of her accomplice - a man proving to have no conscience or integrity.

WAT

Hey Dave...

Just sticking my head in for a bit; nice to see your name (as well as a few other old-timers here). Glad things are moving forward for you.

Whoa! Who Dat? I think of you frequently, my friend. Can I shame you into an update?

Dave

<small>[ December 22, 2003, 05:53 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

dbl post

<small>[ December 22, 2003, 05:54 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>