My Ex and I have not been getting along lately. Every time I speak to him it is one argument after another. This is what happened today:

Ex called me to tell me that he scheduled a speech therapy appt for DS on the day that I have a holiday party with my company. DS is delayed in speech at 2 1/2 which is why he is going to speech therapy. Ex and I made a deal to each take a week to take DS to his therapy sessions which are 2x week. Last week was my week and now Ex is telling me not asking me to take DS on Thursday which is his week. Ex is telling me that he made no such deal with me. Fortunately the appt is in the morning at 10 and his session is 1/2 hour so I can make it to my party at 1. Ex basically told me that if I was going to argue about this, he would cancel further appts and call his Attorney.

Ex is also upset that I made arrangements with his mother to watch DS while I am at the party with my company because I cannot take DS with me. Thursday is my day with DS and Ex feels that I should have consulted with him and not his mother. His mother offered to watch DS and that I didn't have to notify Ex because she was happy to do it and wanted to see DS.

Ex called me at work and my co-workers heard me getting upset because Ex was arguing with me. It even got to the point that Ex told me that if I continued to argue with him he was going to call his Attorney. Even now as we are divorced, he is still controlling me and I feel helpless to stop it.

Was I out of line with not notifying Ex about the party, even if it was for 2 hours and Ex-MIL offered to watch DS? I called Ex-MIL to confirm Thursday and I told her that Ex was upset. She told me to ignore him and said "My son is stupid". Can you believe she said that about her own son?

Thanks!

babytoluv - well I would ask my ex not to make appointments for the child when I am the one that has to take him to the appointments - I would say if you are taking him then the appointments need to made around your schedule - And as for having your mother in law babysit - when your child is in your care it is up to you to provide babysitting - not him - And you should not have to call him to watch the child every time you go out - What if you had had a neighborhood teenager babysit - he wouldn't have even known about it.. Let him call his lawyer what are they gonna do?? Yell at you for providing proper care for your child when he was with you ??? Don't fight just next time he says he is gonna call the lawyer - say ok fine go ahead....

He wants to control you. Don't let him....how dare he threaten you that he will call his attorney if you don't toe the line!

Tell him politely that he no longer has any input on decisions such as babysitting while the child is in your care. I don't think he is angry about that tho...I think he is annoyed because you are going out and having a life again.

I recently told my X that he no longer has the right to tell me what to do or say or feel; he relinquished that job the day he divorced me. He was shocked. Like he hadn't considered that he couldn't tell me what to do anymore. Well, that's reality after divorce, so be it.

Make some boundaries for yourself and stick to them. It is the only way.

Love and light,

jacky

A. He can't make appts. for you. You can change the time if you want. But, we just started a counselor for DD6 and the counselor wrote us in the schedule without consulting either one of us, and it's on X's time. He did agree to take her, but perhaps my X also thinks I scheduled something on his time.

B. I fully abide by the "Right of First Refusal" which means that if a parent is not able to utilize their parenting time, they should FIRST ask the other parent before making alternate arrangements. So yes, you should have asked him to watch son first. BTW, the court documents say the right of first refusal should only be used if over 2 hours, so that you're not required to call X's for minor things. This should work both ways too, so you may get your son when you aren't suppposed to (if you agree to it).

I appreciate the advice. I checked my Mediation Agreement and there is no "right of refusal provision". How what?

Many books on divorce have this clause, so if you are interested, photocopy for him and ask if he'd like to use this going forward. I think its a good clause, and just because its not in your agreement, doesn't mean you can't use it.
An example of wording is below. Time is typically 2-3 hours minimum before you need to ask X.
If you want, you can sign a document similar to the following:

Co-Parenting Ground Rules

1. MAKING APPOINTMENTS OR DECISIONS THAT COMMIT THE OTHER PARENT
A parent will not make an arrangement or commitment that will involve the other parent's time, effort or expense without first obtaining agreement from the other parent. The only exception is reserving a spot (not signing up and paying for) in an activity pending the other parent's approval.

2. THE "RIGHT OF FIRST REFUSAL" MORE TIME WITH YOUR CHILD
When a parent needs to engage a baby-sitter for more than 3 hours or overnight, the other parent first has the option to have the child with him/her-the right of first refusal. The non-resident parent is not obligated to care for the children during the resident parent's absence but does have the first right to do so over that of an appointed child care worker. If the nonresident parent chooses to be with the children, no reciprocal trading is expected. If he or she does not choose to be with the child, the resident parent proceeds with his or her plans for a child caretaker.

3. CHANGING SCHEDULES AND TRADING TIMES
We agree that we will change the schedule during the other parent's designated time only by mutual consent.

When a change in our basic arrangement is desired, we will make it in the following manner:
1. The parent in residence during the time in question has the final say regarding any changes during his or her time.
2. When a parent desires to trade time with the other parent, it should be for "like" time-for example, weekdays for weekdays, vacation for vacation days,
weekends for weekends.
3. The parent agreeing to the proposed trade must give the parent asking for the trade two or three options for the makeup time. The parent asking for the trade has to accept one of them.
4. Traded time should be made up within four to six weeks.
5. If a parent is out of town for more than two days and nights during the time the children are supposed to be with them and a trade has not been arranged, the other parent has the right to have the children with him or her with no reciprocal trading necessary.