Hi All,

I am new to the community but I'm thrilled to find a place to read about others who are in my shoes. Here's my story if you don't mind me sharing.

I have been married for 4.5 years and dated my wife for 2.5 before that. We have been separated since May and my life has been out of control since. First of all, when she told me that she wanted a separation, I was totally blindsided. We never fought, were very amorous and were always the couple that everyone wanted to be like.

My wife is in graduate school to get her phD and during her second year, she began to challenge the popular beliefs and traditions with post-modern thought (as a good student is taught). Well, in this period of self-discovery, she began to change her life goals. She no longer wanted kids, she wanted to live in foreign countries and travel the world. She questioned her religious veiws and even once asked me "how does it feel to be married to a totally different person?"

Anyway, I tried not to let her leave but I couldn't so I moved out and we started our trial separation. We had date nights each week but I was so torn apart by the separation that I was in no shape to convince anyone that they should be with me. She finally made the decision that the separation was no longer trial later this summer. I was devastated. I wrote letters, sent flowers, emailed. I even got all decked out and bought her a new engagement ring and proposed to her in a gesture to start fresh. Nothing worked. The bad part was that she said that she still loved me and knew that I loved her. She said that I was a great husband but she constantly lived in guilt that she couldn't be the wife I wanted since she didn't want kids and wanted to travel and was a workaholic. I tried my hardest to convince her that those things were not as important to me as us remaining together. I would also love to travel and I am not set on kids. She is so confused and just doesn't know who she is any more. She refused couples counselling but is seeing her own therapist.

Recently, I have stopped pressuring her and focused on just trying to be there for her and show her that the magic is still there. She calls more now and we even see each other about once a week. She has been really upset emotionally lately. She claims that it is stress from school but one night she asked me "is the old me worth getting back?"

I am holding on to hope as it is all that I have left. I desperately want my wife back and hopes that she finds herself soon and that who she finds still wants me in her life. She recently asked me if she could spend Christmas morning with me.

Please tell me that there is still hope. I can't bear the thought of life without her. I would do anything for her and without her I just feel numb inside. Any advice on how to cope?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Recently, I have stopped pressuring her and focused on just trying to be there for her and show her that the magic is still there. She calls more now and we even see each other about once a week. She has been really upset emotionally lately. She claims that it is stress from school but one night she asked me "is the old me worth getting back?" </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It sounds to me that you are moving in the right direction. Make sure you read all the MB concepts and All you can about plan A.

You also need to focus on yourself. Make sure that you are someone that the who she find will want in her life

Definitely focus your thoughts and strength on bettering yourself. If you can truly improve yourself and not focus on just winning your W back it may prove attractive to her.

Being clingy and trying to make someone's mind up for them by telling them what you want just pushes them further away.

I heard a great analogy-

What does a new puppy do when you put him down? He runs all over the place.

How do you catch the puppy? Do you chase after him?

Well by running after him, he will just keep running and think it's a game.

You catch him by making your own little interesting thing to play with and not running after him.


The same goes for your W. If you just keep running after her, she'll just keep running away from you thinking you'll always be there to follow after her.

But if you can, make your own life more attractive to her. Draw her to you by improving yourself and having things of your own going on in your life. It will peak her curiosity.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What does a new puppy do when you put him down? He runs all over the place.

How do you catch the puppy? Do you chase after him?

Well by running after him, he will just keep running and think it's a game.

You catch him by making your own little interesting thing to play with and not running after him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Best way I've heard it put yet! Great analogy Eduard

Lotus,

Your story reminds me so much of a story I was heard from my youth pastor (long time ago). He shared how he had a friend (I think he was even a pastor) who decided to go to Stanford U. and ended up "finding himself" which meant leaving his wife and I think having an affair too.

I'm all for education, but I beleive that a great deal of higher education is very, very humanistic and is not pro-family or pro-values and traditions, unfortunately.

I am sorry that your wife is suddenly into this "self-discovery" at the expense of your marriage. There is such a HUGE emphasis nowadays on finding oneself, loving oneself, all of that. We never hear about "denying oneself" like the Bible teaches, and often in "finding" ourselves, we are actually not finding life but the opposite.

I am assuming you are a Christian? I'm not sure, but you mentioned your wife's religious beliefs. There are two great marriage websites I'd encourage you to visit: www.restorem.org and www.rejoiceministries.org Both are marriage reconciliation sites. Read their testimonies and the testimonies of others. If you can, get the book for men at the restore ministries site and also get a prayer partner. At the other site, sign up for the free email devotional. It's called "Charlyne Cares." Both sits are extremely supportive of marriage and reconciling struggling marriages.

Also, there are two good books I'd recommend. One is called "How to Save Your Marriage Alone" by Ed Wheat. The other is "How to Win Your Wife Back Before It is Too Late" by Gary Smalley. You can order them through Amazon.com or your bookstore might have them. Both are very good.

Your post also reminded me of a chapter in a book by James Dobson called "Love Must Be Tough." He addresses "loving toughness" in various serious settings, such as adultery, abuse, alcoholism, etc. Well, he has one chapter called "Husband of a 'New Woman'." Which sounds like your situation.
It is pretty insightful. Here are some suggestions he gives:

"The 'new woman' needs space during her discontent, and it should be given to her. If she should separate from her family, let her go. If she doesn't call, leave her to her solitude. Let her feel that she is free, in the spirit that I have described [you aren't being mean but doing it in love... letting go with the understanding that you cannot control or force her to stay or to love you]. Open the door to her domestic cage, but make her do the flying. As a responsible and faithful husband in this context, I would not voluntarily leave the family to accomodate her. If she obtains a court order to force my departure, then the responsibility rests on her shoulders."

Of course, he adds (and I do too) to pray. Prayer is powerful. God can use this time to help you to grow and He can make your marriage stronger through this. But, I'm sure it won't be easy, and of course, the outcome is unknown. You can't control your wife or her choices, and so in a way, you must "bear" with her and be strong and act in wisdom right now.

From reading your post, where she asks "Is the old me worth getting back," etc... I think she is probably confused. She is hearing these things at school and maybe about how life is supposed to be... the ideal of having it all and seeing the world, etc. But she is also a married woman.

I would encourage you right now to be her friend. Listen to her, bear with her, empathize wiht her when she is feeling stressed and confused. Try to deny your own self by supporting her and hearing her and letting her go through this time. Be her friend, be her friend. This is the part in the vows where it says, "for worse!"

I would encourage you again to go to those sites simply so that you can have some support and hope. And maybe you can get the James Dobson book too...you might check the library.

God bless and I do believe there is much hope for your marriage!!

In the Bible it talks about how we find life when we "lose" it. When we deny ourselves through sacrifice and bearing with others and carrying each other's burdens, etc.... we end up finding life. "To give is to receive." Your wife has heard many worldy ideaologies that teach the exact opposite. Understand this and pray with her, love her, and find your strength in Christ.

God bless.

WishIWereHome,

Thanks but I can't take credit I'm just passing along the info. It was an analogy told to me by my Christian counselor in regards to me following my wife 2000 miles back home to where she moved.

Good stuff LoveMyEx

Thank you all so much for the advice. LoveMyEx, I will pick up those books this weekend and check out those sites. I am Christian, btw, and for a while earlier this summer, I had lost my way. I feel good that my faith is renewed and I just continue to pray. Thanks a bunch guys. I'm really just going to be there to support her and not supplant my will upon her. I hope that God will do the convincing.

Lotus

Lotus, sometimes God allows things like this to bring us to repantance/to get our lives right. I hope with you that God will work in your wife's heart and show her the emptiness of the path of "finding youself" and the ultimate loss that she will experience if she chooses that over her marriage. God bless and may He give you wisdom, strength, comfort, and rest.