Me and my wife have been married for almost three years now. We have a beatiful baby girl who is 17 months old. About two months ago, I found out that she had an "Internet Friend", who she is very interested in. I confronted her several times; she had promised to quit but never did. So, a couple of days ago, she said she wanted to separate as she was not sure whether or not she loved me anymore. We've been having some problems (I did not think they were serious, dumb me) for some time now. I think they started when she got pregnant and quit her job and school (she was working part-time and going to school at the time). We've been going back and forth with this “separation thing to sort things out”. She usually suggests it and I talk her out of it. A couple of weeks ago I picked up a book "Relationship Rescue" by Dr. Phil. We both acknowledged that we were having problems and needed to work on them (now, I know that we have not been meeting each other's emotional needs. I was actually feeling somewhat ok, but now I understand how she must have felt). Every time we'd have an argument, I would convince her that yes, we have problems, but everything can be worked out and we just need to work on it. Plus, look at great me trying to improve myself and our relationship by reading this book; just give it a chance, baby and we have to be patient. After we've decided that we were going to separate, I begged her to please give it one more chance every day and night. And then I started reading things up on the Internet, came across this site (excellent site) and realized that what I've been doing was not right. I need to support her, be happy with her, help her, meet her emotional needs, etc. So, I went and talked to her and told her that yes, I understood how she felt and that separation would be a good idea. She is currently still staying in our home and is looking for an apartment to rent. I've found a bunch of ads for her and suggested that we go look at some apartments together tonight (I am also planning on having somebody watch our daughter, so we can hopefully get some quality time alone). I am having second thoughts and am afraid that by helping her with this separation, I will just grow into nothing more than a friend, that she will continue her relationship with the "Internet Friend" (at this point she is refusing to stop talking to him) and that there will be no chance of me winning her in a romantic, loving, intimate way. She is also not willing to try and reconcile anymore. Says, wants to figure herself out prior to us trying to reconcile our relationship (she is not sure if she will ever want to try to reconcile in the future). What should I do? Should I ignore the fact that she is still in a relationship w/the Internet Friend. Should I be helping her unconditionally and trying to meet her needs in hopes of her coming back? Should I talk to her about our relationship, possibility of reconciliation, etc.? Or should I just pretend to be a good friend who is happy to help and ignore the separation thing and the way I feel. I love her to death with all my heart and do not want separation. I believe that we can work everything out. Thanks a million.

assap you have to make peace with the fact that if your W is deadset on separating that there is nothing you can do to prevent her from doing so. I recommend that you consider the following:

1) Act Happy. Be as cheerful as possible. Be positive. Put on this behavior when you have contact with your W. Prepare yourself to act this way. Practice if need be. Be an actor if need be. Fake it, if you must. Fake it til you truly do get to the point where you experience your life as positive (It really is, you know!). Remember that there are millions of people out there who are worse off than you are at this moment and who would trade places with you in a second.


2) Get a life. Rekindle old hobbies or interests that you have discarded but still interest you. Try out new hobbies or interests. It is therapeutic.

3) Focus on 4 key words. Every day, every hour and every minute if need be, plaster your mind with these 4 life-saving words: I WILL MAKE IT! This becomes your mantra. Wake up with it. Put it on your mirror. Eat lunch with it. Go to sleep with it. Convey in every which way to your W that you WILL MAKE IT. Say, "I will make it! I prefer to make it with you (if that is what you REALLY want), but if that doesn’t happen, I will make it without you. Either way, I want you to know that I will make it." State with erect, confident body language, unblinking, direct eye contact and calm, firm, consistent tone of voice.

4) To-the-point small talk. Make conversations with your W brief and
to the point. Talk only about the solutions to specific problems that need to be addressed, such a particular bills, household or children concerns. Let silence prevail if she wants to "hook" you into melodrama. Politely but firmly end such conversations.

5) Tend to agree. Try to find the kernal of truth in what your W is saying and agree with it. Acknowledge it. If she says "I don’t love you anymore.", you say to her "It certainly seems that way. Thank you for your truthfulness.". If she says "I’m not sure what I want." You say "Yes, it must be confusing for you." If she tells you "I’m thinking of moving out." You say "Do you have an idea of when you’re going to do that? Knowing would help me plan for my activites."

6) Expand your social relationships, including those of the OPPOSITE SEX. Make new friends. Go to lunch. Surround yourself with interesting people who have the potential to care about you. Rekindle old friendships that have faded. With the opposite sex? Yes! I’m not talking about a revenge affair or sleeping with somone. I’m not talking about dating. I’m talking about being friends and learning
about you and how you relate, especially to those of the opposite sex.

7) Get sexy – in a healthy way. Get in shape. Lose weight. Run. Walk. Exercise. Eat right. Enjoy your body. Take supplements. Take extreme care of your body. Begin to feel healthy…and healthy is sexy.

Do not use these strategies as a manipulative tool to change what your spouse is doing. She will pick up on your motive and see through it. She will easily manipulate you back to where
he/she wants you (whereever that was to make you predictable and controllable). You engage in these exercises and strategies because you want to for you. You know that this is the best way to live and at this point, be in relationship with your spouse. This is the best way for you to survive and retain integrity. Here’s the kicker. A by-product of these efforts is usually dramatic changes on the part of your spouse. Don’t be surprised if he/she moves closer. Don’t be surprised if she does a double-take. Don’t be surprised if she decides to 'work on the marriage.' But, don’t expect it!

All of the above will help you achieve ED(emotional detachment). ED will get you off the emotional rollercoaster by giving you control of your negative emotions like fear, anger and despair which can sabotage all of your well thought out and hard earned efforts to save and rebuild your marriage. ED will make it possible for you to exercise the patience and perseverance that are necessary elements to save your marriage. How do you emotionally detach? By conquering your fear of ending your marriage and not getting your hopes up by relying on her words alone (the old saying 'actions speak louder than words' very much applies here). What you are actually detaching from is fear, anger and despair NOT love.

One last thing, affairs are born from dishonesty (without it, they can't exist) and one way to eliminate dishonesty is for you (and her) to open up to each other. Want to know how to do that? Create an emotionally safe environment where your W can tell you what her innermost thoughts and feelings are, no matter how unpleasant they are for you without the fear of being punished by you for doing so. But you won't achieve this if you are resorting to love busters (habits that destroy romantic love: angry outbursts, selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, annoying habits, independent behavior and dishonesty) for they are the emotional toxic waste that will kill her love for you. Start by developing empathy for her, and validating her feelings (not the same as condoning the affair) so that she will start taking steps to share more and more of them with you, and will make it a lot easier for her to break contact with the OM for good.

Good luck and keep us posted.