I left my husband 6 months ago. I was unhappy, we had grown apart, we never did anything together, and I just couldn't take it anymore. The day I left, he had a woman spend the night in my house. I found out a couple days later. For 3 months I begged him to let me come home. I pleaded, got down on my knees, cried, screamed, promised him the world, did plan A, tried plan B, but he refused. He said he was going out with OW and that was that. I made myself sick. I took a leave of absence. I lost 20 pounds in about 2 weeks. I had to go on antidepressants and antianxiety meds. I started going to IC. Then I met OM. OM was also separated. We fell completely in love. He is my soul mate. The day I started seeing OM, my H asked me to come home. He said he was moving OW into the house the next day, but he would break it off with her if I would come home with him. I told him no. That I had strong feelings for OM and I couldn't ignore them. I had to follow my heart. Well, OM and I stayed together for 2 months on and off. He went back to his wife 3 times, the last being almost 7 weeks ago. He went back because of his religion, and the fact that she is blackmailing him. When he went back to her, I was 6 weeks pregnant with his baby. A week after he left, I miscarried. I think it was all the stress from our breakup that caused it, but who knows. I talked to him the day I lost our baby, and I told him I was so afraid that I lost him too. He said I didn't lose him and that it didn't change how he felt about me. He said that he still loved me and felt we were meant to be together. He said everything was going to be ok, and that we'd have another baby. That was the last time I spoke to him. Their phone was shut off the following Monday. And they live an hour and a half away.
Meanwhile, my heart is breaking for the loss of my baby. My heart is aching for the man I love with all my heart. We had planned to get married when our divorces were final. He asked me 3 weeks after we started dating.
Now, he is gone and my H and I have been talking. He still wants me back. I don't want to go back. I know he is not what I want. I love him still, but I know that his lifestyle is not what I want. And not only that, OW lives with him now.
Tonight, I ran into them while picking up my son from church (Awanas) and they were picking up her daughter. She went into the church and I pulled up next to his car and rolled my window down to talk to him. He was nervous and kept looking to see if she would "catch" him. I said, "What are you worried she'll catch you talking to me?" And he said, "well, she probably wouldn't like it." And I got mad and pulled away from his car.
The thing is, I am still so mad at her and him. She was fooling around with my H before I left. She refused to stop seeing him when I told her I wanted to reconcile my marriage. Even when people told her that we were still seeing each other and having sex while they were seeing each other, she didn't believe it. And we are still having sex. (Since OM left)
I want to tell her everything. But it would be at the cost of losing my H's friendship forever. I toy with the idea of going back to him,just so she can't have him, and then I think, that is probably exactly what OM's wife is doing too. She was the one who kicked him out and told him it was over. The when she found out about me, she wanted him back. So, I just don't know. I love my H. But I am in love with OM. My heart is broken by the end of both relationships, but it's different. My heart is sad, like someone's died when I think of OM. But the pain I feel when I think about my H and OW is jealousy and bitterness. I cry for OM, but I get mad at H. My divorce hearing is for Jan. 28th. I have thought about postponing it. But, why? My H tells me I am his angel. That he loves me deeper than he loves her. That he wants me to come home still. He was even willing to take me back when I was still pregnant. But I just don't love him that way. Little things he says and does irritate me. Like his language. Every other word is a cuss word. And he refuses to go to church with me. And he doesn't work. And I would never trust him again. I mean, he cheated on me several times before, and now he's cheating on OW with me. Who's to say that he won't be with her if I go back to him?
I just don't know what to do or how to feel anymore.

What a sad story.

Unfortunately your WH's affair(s) left you emotionally vulnerable to an affair of your own. While it is understandable that you fell in love with the OM because of the way he treated you (which your WH probably never did) you've learned a bitter lesson about getting involved with a married man, which is that the vast majority don't leave their W's for the OW. The sad truth is that his sweet words that he still loves you and that you two will have another baby are nothing more than empty promises with the sole purpose of keeping you emotionally tied to him (which so far it's been very effective) so that you'll be there for him when it suits him. You've fallen in love with a ghost, not a real man and the sooner you realize this, the sooner you can see that you have no future with him.

Now as far as your WH is concerned, why are you degrading yourself by having sex with him? to get back at the OW? if it is then you are doing it at a very high price to your self respect and self worth as a woman. As you've seen for yourself, he does not want the OW to know that you, his W, is having sex with him. He's treating you as though YOU were the OW. What if you become pregnant with his child? Do you realize that you will be tied to him for almost two decades because of the child? I'm afraid that he is just as bad as the OM and you would be wise to let the divorce proceed as scheduled for he is definitely far from being a H to any woman.

Even though this forum is part of Marriage Builders, I would seriously advice you to end both toxic relationships and get yourself back into IC. Emotionally you are in no condition to be involved with any man until you have healed yourself and set personal boundaries that you will allow NO man to violate. Trinity there IS someone out there for you who is truly capable of giving you the love that you need and be the faithful H that you've always dreamed of BUT you need to heal yourself first before you can become worthy of him.

Good luck and God bless.

You are right about both H and OM. However, I am still not convinced that OM is out of my life completely yet. I met for lunch with OM's mom today, and she told me that OM's wife along with their pastors, that he was possessed by demons and evil spirits and that is why he did what he did with me. Apparently they've exorcised him of these demons. What a crock of ****. I am a God fearing woman, but that is a load of crap. It is an escape from the reality of what he chose to do with me. He had told his father that he left his W because he was too young to be that unhappy. He asked me to marry him. We were approved for an apartment. We shopped for furniture. His S from his first M adored me. His W treats his S like crap, she is very cold to him. He told me he was unhappy with her since going back. He is not allowed to visit his parents. He is not allowed to give them their new number and address. He can't even disclose where he works. Because she does not allow it. He can't even visit them for the holidays. How content with his life can he be? His mom told me he told her that I was the one he would spend the rest of his life with. She said the happiest she ever saw her S was when he was with me, or talking about me. But, he always felt that our relationship was wrong in the eyes of God, and it was, I know that. But come on....demons??!!!??? Baloney. So, I have decided that yes, I will let my M end, and I informed my H today that I will not be the OW in his R with the OW. I will no longer be having sex with him and unless we need to talk about our S, there will be nothing else that needs to be said. As far as OM...that will take some time to get over. But I know I must go on with my life and heal myself. But my heart still aches for him and I still believe he is my soul mate. But for whatever reasons, I am not supposed to be with my soul mate. It will take a long time to forget, to stop hurting, to stop hoping, to stop dreaming. I do know that I can find happiness again. But I am not so sure it will be as profound as what I had with OM. I am not so sure I will find someone who I connected with on every level again. It was more than just words...it was touches, and laughter, and hugging, and playing, and talking about our deepest hopes and dreams. We have so much in common, we are very alike. Maybe that's why it didn't work. He apparently likes to be controlled by his wife, to be told what to do instead of having a mind of his own. But maybe one day he'll learn that true happiness only comes when you follow your heart. And when he realizes that, maybe I won't be there to pick up the pieces for him.

Trinity please keep in mind the old saying "ACTIONS speak louder than words" when it comes to what the OM tells you about his 'love' for you. If he truly loved you he would do the hardest thing of all and that is he would tell you not to wait for him and to move on with your life. THAT would be a sign that he truly loves you. He, as well as you, would treasure what the two of you shared during the short time you were together and go on your separate ways.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I do know that I can find happiness again. But I am not so sure it will be as profound as what I had with OM. I am not so sure I will find someone who I connected with on every level again. It was more than just words...it was touches, and laughter, and hugging, and playing, and talking about our deepest hopes and dreams. We have so much in common, we are very alike. Maybe that's why it didn't work."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh Trinity, I also thought the same after I divorced my XWW. I said to myself that I was never going to find someone who I would be able to share my deepest thoughts and feelings [My XWW was very much like your WH] and here I am, 5 years later, now married again but this time to a lovely woman who has given the love I never thought I would have in my life. So you never know how you'll really feel until some time goes by and you meet another man with whom you can have true intimacy.

I have no doubt that, after a year of no contact with the OM, you will see how futile and self destructive your relationship with him really was. Why not try it?