I am trying to make a commitment to my marriage. I've been married 18 years on the 21st of this month, but have been an unfaithful spouse - one long term affair. In large part, my unfaithfulness resulted from my unhappiness over a dismal sex life at home. From the day I first realized I was falling in love with the woman who is now my wife, I realized that even though she was smart, funny, a good conversationalist, etc., etc., that she was NOT my ideal of physical attractiveness. I worried then about that, but decided I was being shallow and tried to focus on her many good attributes. Now, years later, that has become a huge problem for me, to the point that I am nearly repulsed by the idea of making love to her. We have discussed separation, she knows I am still involved with the OW, but she wants me to stay upon the believe we can work things out. I haven't told her that I find her unattractive and that I have no sexual attraction to her. I think that would be needlessly hurtful, but I really, really fear that - if we agree to stay together (for all the regular reasons, children, etc.) - we will be building on a foundation that is much, much less sturdy than she knows. I dispair over a loveless life, a sexually dead life, but I don't want to hurt my children. Have any of you ever been in this position? What happened? Any advice from any of you????

More information: we have been to counselling. The counsellor knows how I feel, but also understands why I am reluctant to tell my wife that. I also understand "commitment to my marriage" means breaking things off with the other woman.

Should I tell her?

Can children survive a divorce? girl -13, boy -11

Couple of questions first.....why are U not physically attracted to your spouse any more? Weight or features? Anyhow, I believe you can be happy and love someone who you are not totally physically attracted to, but I believe you do have to be attracted some in order for the marriage to be healthy. Usually the physical part is what attracts people together from the start. I myself need to have that physical attraction.....its not that Im shallow, because I can love someone no matter what, but I am realistic also.

features, not weight.

Wow thats a tough one. There isnt much a spouse can do about how they look....features wise......weight can be altered. I really dont know what to say other than, if she is a good woman....do you really want to give that up just for looks? I want to add this also.....you have to have SEX in the marriage....unless both parties do not care about sex or have an aversion to it. One partner will eventually stray if that need isnt met. Good Luck.

<small>[ December 19, 2003, 11:34 AM: Message edited by: StartinOver ]</small>

I think that as long as you are involved with OW you will not beable to love your W whole heartedly. My advice as cold as it may sound. Ditch OW, close you eyes and love your W they way you want to.

You really need to clean up your own back yard before you start making a mess in somebody else's. You cannot give your marriage a true chance until you break off your affair and put all the effort into saving your marriage as you are now putting into the OW. Looks aren't everything and an affair is a fantasy world. The moment you hit real life, things wont seem so rosy. Give your marriage a TRUE shot with nothing else clouding your mind. See a sex therapist. TELL YOUR WIFE EVERYTHING. At least she will then stand a fair chance. Take it from someone who ruined her life over the thrill of the chase of another man. It isn't worth it. It tears the kids apart and they at least deserve the decency of knowing you gave it a true fair shot. Also, it takes a while to totally withdraw from the OW. Let it go and let your marriage have a good amount of time to try to repair.

conflicted_father - OK you know I read this once then I couldn't think of anything to say - then I came back and I reread it... And ok let me get this right - you married this woman 18 years ago and now you are saying that you don't want to be with her because she isn't pretty enough??? Ok this is stuff you do in high school - If you started going out with this person and married her and had children with her and stayed with her for 18 years - I find it very difficult to believe that you didn't find her all that attractive...I am thinking that you are using that as an excuse to justify the fact that you have a girlfriend - Hey I could be way off - but I really don't think that you would marry someone so repulsive build a life, a home and have children with ... And if anything if you really truly feel this way - then your wife deserves to know the truth because hell she is being lied to right now - and maybe there is someone out there who will find her beautiful....

Well put MAW64

And might I add that as long as there is OW for W to be compared to, you will never see her true beauty

"what you do in high school"

That is exactly the sentiment that led me to ignore what I felt 18 years ago and go forward. I can't be the only person who married someone while suppressing something only to find it erupting years later.

I've been having an affair for eleven years with someone I obviously find attractive. That does make it doubly difficult. If I knew there had ever been a time when I was truly attracted to her, I would feel so much more confident that we could somehow get that back....but, what I really know is there is no "there" to get back to.

Conflicted. So????? Fess up. What is that you REALLY want from the good people on this site?

You continue to answer your own questions. No one here has the power to waive their magic wands and you suddenly find your wife attractive.

I see that you did ask a question about your children. Will they survive a divorce?

No conflicted, they will not. The statistics are out there. I am sure you know that children do not fair well in divorces, they are the real victims in divorce.

So what now? Are you looking for sympathy? Sorry, you certainly won't get it here.

You come on a marriage builder's site and tell us you have been having an 11 year long affair?

I have posted on MB for over a year and have yet to BLAST a WS ..... consider yourself the first.

Grow up buddy. Take the soother out of your mouth and consider what you will lose. You don't find your wife attractive? Do her a favor and tell her why. You might be surprised. Maybe she doesn't find YOU attractive either.

Get your head out of your .... you know what and do something constructive for your children. Fix what is broken.

Read this site completely making special note the articles on infidelity and "fog" and if you are serious about building a marriage, c'mon back and talk to the people on here.

DZZZ

Ok, first of all, you are unsatisfied in your marriage. We all are at some point. It is not your W's fault that you chose to go outside the marriage to get your needs met instead of addressing the problems in your marriage with counseling or coaching. This is your decision and yours alone.

Secondly, you cannot recover your marriage while you have any contact with the OW by any means whatsoever. There are many, many documented, sound reasons for this. Click on "Q&A", and read the "Infidelity" portions.

Thirdly, you need to be Radically Honest with your W using feeling statements and tell her how you feel. She can't adjust to your needs if you don't tell her what they are.

Finally, the very first steps you need to take are to get a professional involved and buy and read the book "Surviving an Affair".

Conflict avoidance won't help you, and it will just follow you into other relationships and manifest itself in other areas.

<small>[ December 19, 2003, 01:58 PM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have posted on MB for over a year and have yet to BLAST a WS ..... consider yourself the first.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I realize that people come here for support and understanding BUT>>>>>>

I have to follow Diamonzzz on this one.

Sounds like the wrong S is looking for the support

I too was mislead about W's true feelings for me for 15 years. Pretty much the same as what you are doing to your W. Let me tell you something, You think you have a problem, imagine what you have been doing to her all this time.
Take it from me, it really sucks to be lied to by someone so important to you for so long.
I think it's time you come clean and spare her any more than she will already suffer.

Sorry for the brief vent, but I don't wish what happened to me on anyone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

You do say that you are trying to make a commitment to your marriage so It does sound like you want it to work.

You said in original post
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> In large part, my unfaithfulness resulted from my unhappiness over a dismal sex life at home. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This may be a large part, but what else caused this.
As StartinOver Said
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> There isnt much a spouse can do about how they look....features wise </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But maybe it will help to work out the "Smaller" parts

<small>[ December 19, 2003, 02:38 PM: Message edited by: WishI WereHome ]</small>

So, you all think I should tell her I have been having an affair for ten years, that I can hardly stand to looked at her naked, that I don't want to have sex with her, and that I wish I had never married her in the first place? THAT is going to help recover????

For the record, I've read most of what you all have directed me to.

I don't see how hurting her any more than I have helps.

One comment: part of the problem is that all of you seem to be the BS which has to affect your perspective. I recognize that, do you?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So, you all think I should tell her I have been having an affair for ten years, that I can hardly stand to looked at her naked, that I don't want to have sex with her, and that I wish I had never married her in the first place? THAT is going to help recover????
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is lying about it better? There are nicer ways of putting it but honesty is important. I Can't speak for others, but yes I am a BS and unfortunately, not too much unlike your W. No A for me but was lied to for a long time.
It did hurt a lot to hear the truth, but at least now I know the truth. I don't worry anymore about why W did't want to have sex or why she didn't want to be close to me. My bigest problem with all of it is that she didn't have the guts to tell me before we were M'ed for 12 years and had 4 kids.

As I said in the end of my last post.

You said in original post

quote:
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In large part, my unfaithfulness resulted from my unhappiness over a dismal sex life at home.
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This may be a large part, but what else caused this.
As StartinOver Said

quote:
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There isnt much a spouse can do about how they look....features wise
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But maybe it will help to work out the "Smaller" parts

Conflictedfather,

How can you have recovery when you are still involed with this OW?

You're mind is so clouded right now by this OW whom you've been having an affair with for 11 years out of your 18 year marriage.

Until this OW is gone, you can not recover and this is the major reason you are having doubts of your physical attraction to your wife.

Don't try to justify your A or why you should leave b/c you CLAIM you are not physically attracted to your wife of 18 years.

I'm sorry conflicted-father, but there had to be physical attraction when you first married your wife or else you wouldn't have dated and married. The only problem that is causing you to feel this way is the OTHER WOMAN!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So, you all think I should tell her I have been having an affair for ten years, that I can hardly stand to looked at her naked, that I don't want to have sex with her, and that I wish I had never married her in the first place? THAT is going to help recover???? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep, it's called radical honesty and if you are EVER to have a REAL marriage you must do it.
IF and that is the risk you run, she is WILLING to continue the marriage, after she knows, then and only then will you be able to begin a marriage on a right foundation. What you are doing right now is deceiving her and justifying your actions. How it will specifically help recovery is that everything will be out in the open. No secrets.

If you are willing we can help you to say those things to her in a more sensitive way that you expressed them here, tho. I am not advocating being so cold and unfeeling as to devastate her.
There is a way you can say those things in a kinder, gentler way. But said they MUST be!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For the record, I've read most of what you all have directed me to. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Specifically what have you read? And would you like to discuss it? Are you ready to actually DO what the articles say? Namely break off the affair, no contact with OW and begin the long process to restoration?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't see how hurting her any more than I have helps. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You don't "see" it because you are in what is coined "fog". You have come up with all sorts of deceptions and self serving behaviours to keep the affair going and justify your actions, and this is one of them. The notion that NOT telling will somehow hurt her less.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One comment: part of the problem is that all of you seem to be the BS which has to affect your perspective. I recognize that, do you? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For the record I am not a BS OR a WS ..... and I think I blasted you the most out of everyone .... so what about your "theory" now .....huh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

But since you brought that up, can you explain the relevance of that statement? Who BETTER than to knock some sense in you with a cyber 2 x 4 THAN a BS?

I do respect the fact that you did come back and post again. That did take courage. And also for the record, I do care.

I would love to see your marriage restored and you BOTH to be genuinely in-love and fulfilled if not for the sake of you both, for those precious little ones.

I believe if you end the affair, with NO contact with OW, begin to meet her emotional needs, and hopfully get her on the same page to meet yours, you can have a marriage you only dreamed of.

Keep posting and please keep reading. But I assure you though, you WILL get the same answers to the same questions. No one here is going to help you justify your affair.

DZZZ

Conflicted,

If you do not feel like you can tell your wife the truth,what is your alternative then? Continue on in the state you are in now? If you cannot take the advice given to you by these people who have been to hell and back,then stop posting here and blindly go about your life as you have.

No one has said that you have to dump ALL the reasons for how you feel on your wife at once. The outing of the affair will be enough for anyone but if you get some professional help on this like I really think you should,you can then explore the other problems but at least your wife will have someone else to fall back on,a counselor.

I will jump on the bandwagon here too and say that as long as you are wrapped up in the other woman emotionally and physically,you WILL NOT be able to develop any feelings for your wife in the way that you want.If you had spent a fraction of the past 11 years on getting help and talking about your feelings with your wife as you have put into this affair,then you might have had the relationship you wanted by now.


O

Conflicted,
Do you really think your w doesn't know about your A of 11 yrs?? You would have to be an awful good liar to be able to pull this off. Your wife hasn't missed the sex? You've never put your kids or wife off to be with om?

I think most spouses know when something is wrong and just don't want to admit it and try to look the other way until they can't take it anymore.

I am guessing that your w is aware and is hanging on for her own reasons, whether it be for the kids or for financial reasons.

If you truly want to do the right thing, get rid of ow and spend your efforts on your marriage and children.

Good luck!

Conflicted:

I agree with all of the posters here. I have a question for you.

Would you lie to your doctor about a problem you had and expect him to be able to help you?

Would you tell your mechahnic that you have a problem with your brakes on your car when it won't even start to begin with?

See my point? If you want the REAL solution the truth must come out. You are hurting your wife (and yourself) far more by being secretive about your affair than by telling her the truth.

Finally, if she were doing this to you HOW would you feel? Do you like being lied to?

I know I don't.