Ok so I just got off the phone with my ex - he said over three weeks ago that he washed his hands of my 13 year old daughter - but has seen my 10 year old a couple of times. So now here we are at Christmas - my oldest has not spoken one word to him in 3 weeks and one time that he called and he asked if she wanted to speak to him she said nope - the only attempt... So he took my youngest out bought all of her Christmas presents and just informed me that he bought the other daughter a $50.00 gift certificate to the mall - lets just say that the youngest got a pair of sneakers that cost $60.00 and is getting a whole bunch of other stuff. I told him that if it was that easy to just wash your hands of a child because they did something that you didn't like then there would not be very many parents out there - He doesn't seem to get it .. So the reason for his phone call was and I am not sure - other than to probably upset me and let me know that one day the girls are gonna know that he isn't such a bad guy... Was this - The girls and I are invited to a Christmas Eve party - we always stayed home when we were married - last year I stayed home by myself - and he had the kids - anyways - I let the girls know that if they wanted to go with their Dad that was fine - We didn't have to go to the party - and they said no - they want to go to the party - Then on Christmas we always go to my sisters - always have their whole life. So my ex calls and tells me that my youngest wants to see him tonite - I said ok - he said well what are you plans and I told him for the holiday and he said well they didn't want to see him because they wanted to go with me. Ok so what does he want me to do - I ask - well nothing he just wanted to make sure that I really had all of these plans - I simply told him they are his kids to and if he wanted to see them then he just needed to tell them that - that they were available to him whenever he wanted to - he just needed to tell them that - basically be the parent. Then he got into the whole I am not a good disciplinarian - (sp) and I let them get away with murder - so to speak - anyways - I simply after 25 minutes of him letting him say that everything goes my way - I simply stated - you know what you can blame me for anything but never say this is what I wanted -I did not chose to have children by myself, I did not choose to cheat, lie and screw up our lives - I ended the conversation with simply saying you have a nice birthday a nice Christmas and hung up.. Now what do I do -??? Nothing??? Do I try to talk my oldest into going with him sometime or at least talking to him??? Do I try to talk my youngest into going with him on Christmas Eve or Christmas Night??? Or do I just let him continue to deal with this on his own and throw all of the blame on me about his rotten - relationship with his kids??? Frankly I am pretty sick of getting all of the blame pushed on me - I didn't do this -I didn't alienate my oldest daughter - Yes I may be a little lenient with them but I didn't sabotage their relationship with their Dad like he likes to accuse me of.... Really how long does this crap go on????

It will continue for as long as you allow it and take the responsibility on yourself for making him a happy camper.

Your daughters wish not to see him - they want to do other things - so why are you shoving them at him? Do you not want them to go with you? Is there something about HIM that would make you want to go with him?

Your daughters have seen the light - so why don't you just quit shoving them at him. Let him be responsible for his relationship with them.

Jan (A single mom with four kids who have no relationship with their father - because he chose not to have one.)

Jan - thank you - I guess that I just let him make me feel so freaking guilty and guilty for what I have no idea???? I mean they don't want to go with him - because it interfers with what they are used to and want to do - and like I told him that this was his choice not mine... I guess I just keep letting him get to me.... I didn't choose to leave he did...Right??? OK my new years resolution is gonna be to stop letting him have any kind of control over me and let him be the parent that he needs to be - and only worry about me and my girls - not about him what so ever.. Right???? I just need to hang up or tune out the I am not a bad guy and someday they are gonna want a relationship with me - all of that crap - that gets me to feeling bad for him - why I have no idea - and there is not one thing about him that would ever make me want to be with him... Thank you .... I just need to know every now and then that I shouldn't feel guilty about this...

After dealing with my x, I think you can please some of the people some of the time but you can please certain people none of the time.

All you can do is all you can do. I do try to accomodate the wishes of my x but when my children don't want to do something extra with them, I tell him that it conflicts with earlier plans.

Thank you Cinderella - I will try to remember that next time he accuses me of turning the kids against him - or why does he have to be alone - when they want to be with me... Oh well that is the life he chose - I hope you have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.....

maw63, that is HIS problem not yours.
You are fair enough not to stand between your kids and their dad, and what kind relationship he'll have with them is up to HIM.
Als, your kids are big enough to chose where and with whom spend holidays - let them chose and just don't let him upset you with his comments...