Hello, my sister is recently divorced after being married 24 years (her husband moved out about 6 months ago). The divorce is mutual, although initiated by my sister. The divorce has been friendly, and my sister and her ex still talk regularly. During the last 10 years of their marriage, they have been more like friends than husband and wife, and they have remained friends after the divorce. My sister even invited him over for Thanksgiving (and he did come)to make it easier on her kids, a daughter, 21, and a son, 17, since this was the first holiday they would spend as divorced parents.

The son is handling things ok (besides the initial reaction and some ups and downs that I remember well, having been the child of a divorce myself)....but the daughter is not doing so well. She lives on her own and is in college. She is sometimes very nasty to my sister, saying mean-spirited things, and being very disrespectful of my sister. There have been a lot of rough times when my neice would not talk to my sister, then they would talk and all would be ok. They have always been very close. My neice has always told my sister everything. Well, after these huge blowouts, my neice always ends up apologizing and they'd be fine until a few weeks later, when she'd blow up at my sister again. My sister doesn't know what to do. She's already going through a hard time, and it is so hurtful for her to have her daughter attack her like this...

Here's some more facts. My sister started dating a friend about 7 months ago,a month after her husband moved out. She had been friends with this man for several years, but it was strictly a friendship until her married had ended. I'm sure that my neice is thinking this man broke up the marriage, and/or that my sister was having an affair, but the truth is, my sister's ex is 15 years older than her. They had married when she was 17, and they grew apart and are in different places now. They tried to make it work, but the last 10 years of their marriage have been more like a friendship than a marriage...and they agreed that both of them wanted more out of life. My neice, I'm sure, is feeling sorry for her dad, who is older, and all alone. It doesn't help matters that he turns to his daughter when he's feeling sad..this seems to get her all worked up again and angry with my sister, who she sees as the cause of the divorce. After fights with my sister, and after my neice apologizes, she always tells my sister that she's sorry, that she wants her to be happy, and that she can see that this man makes her happy (the kids have met the new boyfriend and spent time with him on several occasions).

Anyways, does anyone have any advice that I can pass on to my sister. I used this forum once when I was having problems in my own marriage and found everyone's feedback to be very helpful...And I'm happy to say that my marriage is back on track <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

What should my sister do when her daughter is acting up? Do any of you have similar experiences that you can share?

Thank you for your help.

Welcome back, lovecats!

I would suggest patience on your sister's part. And maybe not bring the BF into the family for a while longer. It does seem soon to introduce children, even grown ones, to a new person.

Are you sure it wasn't an EA before the DV? It does sound suspicious. And the daughter is probably reacting to it.

No other advice. Sorry.

her husband moved out about 6 months ago).

My sister started dating a friend about 7 months ago,a month after her husband moved out.
I may not be a mathmetician but those numbers don't add up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Why did her husband move out and why did she start dating so quickly, either before or after he moved out?

Maybe their "friendship" was the reason for the problems which led to him moving out?

She had been friends with this man for several years, but it was strictly a friendship until her married had ended.
Perhaps it wasn't a physical affair but it may have been emotional. A good sign is they started dating so quickly. No time to "get over" the marriage.

I'm sure that my neice is thinking this man broke up the marriage, and/or that my sister was having an affair,[
I think she has good reason to believe that, whether it's true or not is another story.
But by her dating so soon, her daughter percieved that she cared little for her (daughters) feelings about the marriage and she showed her daughter that she cared little for her father.

Like it or not, the children (of ANY age) are affected by divorce.

After fights with my sister, and after my neice apologizes, she always tells my sister that she's sorry, that she wants her to be happy,
Kids love BOTH their parents regardless of the reasons for the marriage failure. But the kids get pissed because their life was turned upside down by parent(s) who cared only about themselves. Divorce is almost always a completely selfish act with little thought given to the kids feelings.

Why not get ticked off at the one who ended it? But then again, it's their parent and they love them so they apologize.

but the truth is, my sister's ex is 15 years older than her.
So?
So it's now a problem after 24 years ?

Tough situation.
I'd say she needs to tone down the interaction between him & her kids.

<small>[ December 22, 2003, 06:18 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

clarification...

my sister started dating the boyfriend 5 months ago. A month after her husband left.

Hi lovecats - I'm glad to hear you marriage is back on track.

Being experienced on this forum, it should come as no surprise that some here speak their mind without hesitation. I'm one of them.

I agree with Chris. An affair was in progress before both the separation and the divorce.

Sounds like your neice values integrity more so than your sister. In time, she will overlook your sister's failings. The only thing that can hasten this healing is honesty from your sister.

well, the age difference has been a problem for a long time. My sister had put the kids first for several years and stayed together with her husband mostly for them until they were older. So, it's not like it just became a problem. The "marriage" really ended about 10 years ago. There had been no intimacy, or any real communcation since then. My sister could not even remember the last time they kissed. Her husband was fine with this, but my sister wanted more out of the relationship. He refused counseling for 10 years. She really did try to make it work. And stayed, unselfishly for those 10 years. On the surface, it looks like all of a sudden, she found this guy,and left her husband for him, but the issues stem back several years. With her children now older, and with her working and able to support herself (she did not work for about 10 years, the husband supported the family), she felt it was time to end the marriage and focus on her own happiness. And she deserves it...

if we put aside the issue of whether or not she had an affair, do you have any advice for getting through this? Whatever happened, happened and now we're left to get through this. So, the fact is...She's divorced. She has a new boyfriend. She's happy in her relationship. Her daughter is acting out, and is hurt and confused. I hate to see either one of them hurting. I love my sister and my neice and just want to help. Does anyone know of any helpful books on helping children through divorce? Or helping divorcing parents deal with children that are acting out? Does my sister just have to deal with the hurtful, disrespectful outbursts of my neice and just wait for it to pass? Is there anything she should do or say that would help? How does she handle the fact that my neice is so disrepectful? Does she have a right to demand respect despite the circumstances? After all, she is her mother and my neice should not be treating her like this.

I just really want to help...

Thanks all

if we put aside the issue of whether or not she had an affair,
Okay, but from what you have described, it's pretty difficult to put it aside.
If you have a flat tire and want to know how to get the car home, you HAVE to deal with the flat tire.

But okay, we'll leave it here.

I know this may seem rough but it ain't no picnic.

do you have any advice for getting through this? Whatever happened, happened and now we're left to get through this.
Okay. A divorce happened and it's a terrible thing to lay on kids, regardless of the circumstances. They were innocent and the parents chose to consider their own feelings over that of the children.
I'm not (necessarily) saying they shouldn't do that but they (parents) have to accept the consequences because of their choices.

So, the fact is...She's divorced. She has a new boyfriend. She's happy in her relationship. Her daughter is acting out, and is hurt and confused.
Exactly. But her daughter doesn't have to like it or even accept it. And she is 21.

Does my sister just have to deal with the hurtful, disrespectful outbursts of my neice and just wait for it to pass?
[b]Is there anything she should do or say that would help?
Her life with the boyfriend should be completely separate from her children and she should not involve them in his life or vice versa. If having him around is more important than the children, then that is something she will have to live with.
Also, remember that with the divorce, your sister taught the kids that what a person wants is more important that what others want.

How does she handle the fact that my neice is so disrepectful?
Does she have a right to demand respect despite the circumstances?

She was disrepectful of her daughters feelings by getting a divorce (regardless of the cause).

After all, she is her mother and my neice should not be treating her like this.
Agreed but it's her mother (and father too) who chose to treat her like they did by divorcing.

She needs to be honest & upfront with her daughter.
She needs to NOT diss her ex at all (to anyone)

<small>[ December 22, 2003, 07:22 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

"if we put aside the issue of whether or not she had an affair..."

This cannot be done. What the 21 year old daughter is mourning is the fact that her parent's marriage is over a mere six months, and her mother dates someone after just one month of being separated (and NOT yet divorced, I might add, unless you get super quick ones over there). Despite what you say about how the marriage was 'really over for ten years' the FACT IS that it was NOT over. Your sister says it was only to justify what is happening now and her daughter KNOWS it.

So....you ask for what can be done? Total and complete honesty with the daughter for a start. She is feeling deceived and lied to and humiliated and betrayed. She NEEDS honesty from her mother, and if she doesn't get it from her in a caring and sensitive way, she is going to draw her own conclusions and alienate herself from her parent.

I can guarantee this because my Dad did the same thing as your sister...he was dating a mere couple of weeks after he left. As a twenty year old, I wasn't stupid enough to believe him when he said he met the woman AFTER leaving the house, then he tried the close friendship line (which your niece doesn't believe either - if the man is an old friend, why is the contact between the kids and the man so new, as seems to be implied by this statement you made: "(the kids have met the new boyfriend and spent time with him on several occasions)"

My dad didn't tell the truth until years had passed. And all those years I never trusted my dad, never loved him like a daughter should and never believed a word that came out of his mouth. I still have trouble with it, and all of that happened 23 years ago now.

Do you want your niece to feel like that? If not, give her the truth. She already knows anyway, and probably resents being treated like a fool.

Love and light,

Jacky

well, it's not my place to speculate about whether or not my sister had an affair, nor to talk to my neice about it....I can only go by what my sister tells me and try to be supportive of my family. I guess I'll research some books and see if there is anything I can pass on to my sister that might help this transition go smoother for all...and maybe share with her that she might want to re-consider integrating the new boyfriend so quickly into her kids' life.

Thanks all...

I disagree. It most certainly is your place to discuss the affair with your sister. Leaving your family for an affair partner might be a lot less common if people did not turn a blind eye toward this behavior.

And don't count on this situation ever getting better. Some teenagers and adults are never again close to the parent who has an affair. My H left for his affair partner almost 5 years ago, and one of my daughters, now an adult, has not spoken to him since. Another adult daughter has had almost nothing to do with him - and as time goes on, has become more and more estranged from him.

No one "deserves happiness" at the expense of their children's happiness or well-being, nor do they deserve "happiness" that may result from immoral behavior.