I have been following peachy for the entire length of her time here. I didn't/don't post to her often. Sometimes it was with support sometimes I critized. I think we all need to think of why Peachy touches us all like she does. She is not afraid to be real; even if her real doesn't always look or sound like the rational/best thing to do. None-the-less, she has been honest and sincere with us about who she is and how she feels and due to the amount of interest she generates that touches many of us here. Before/if she goes, and that would be sad, because not only does she help everyone here heal with her openess, but she post and supports to many others here with nothing but sincerity to help and encourage and listen, but before she goes let's take a "peachy poll" for all who have posted/lurked/read/laughed/cryed/gotten angry/thought she's gutsy, brave, crazy, all of the above but mostly for all who, like myself are thankful to her for being so open and honest .. let's see who comes out to say goodbye but mostly ... please don't go. Especially when your future post will be about the rebuildig of your life as you are doing it now. That is important to many here who are in the same boat. If you can Peachy, keep on here with your story and share with us your rebuilding. You've taken many punches and taken them with grace and beauty and just like the punches Jethro throws at you ... you maintain yourself regardless and rebound and each time you skip a little further down the road to recovering a life for yourself and your son. People here love you and need you. If you can, I'm sure that it would be greatly appreciated. So folks ... who will join me with letting peachy know we gain strength from her and ask her if she can ... please stay around at least a little.

How nice of you RK, I also remember reading your trials under "Other Topics" when coming to the MB forum. We've all been through so much.

Since finding this site in 2000, my life has improved by leaps and bounds because of what I've learned and implemented from the Harley's books and artcles.

Please look at my join date and the amount of posts I have. I've done much more reading than posting! I continue to check back in and when I did this week a MB friend was getting a written brow beating that was VERY unMB-like!

The first thing I was thinking is, boy this place has changed and not for the better. Then I see this thread today for our friend.

We are never done learning until we take our last breath. With that said.......

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If you can Peachy, keep on here with your story and share with us your rebuilding. You've taken many punches and taken them with grace and beauty and just like the punches Jethro throws at you ... you maintain yourself regardless and rebound and each time you skip a little further down the road to recovering a life for yourself and your son. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Count me in!!!!!!!

Gayle

count me in the don't leave; while I really just lurk now adays, peachy's story is one a follow, laughed & cried with too..........

I have to say I'm glad that some of the posters who post here now where not here 3 yrs ago when all I did was whine & cry because the kind words & understanding that I recieved here were about all that kept me going in those very dark days....

I agree with all of the above statements! At times I felt just like Peachy but won't say anything because I didn't want to get flamed. I never posted to her not for any particular reason other than I had no advice since I haven't filed yet. But I read her posts and sometimes I was quite shocked in what I read. I wish she would stay and post for we newbies need all the help we can get.

Have Happy Holidys everyone!

Got to agree with Ragamuffin, I liked Peachy, just for the fact that she is a "what you see is what you get gal". There is nothing shallow about her, nothing pretentious, and she never tried to make herself to appear as a goodie goddie two shoes. She's just a great gal reporting what she was going through and how she really felt about it.

Her candid comments helped a lot of people realize that they weren't alone in their hurt and their pain.

I was away and missed some MB issues, but Peachy, you know my posts support you.
You are a strong woman and grown from your experiences with J. Whatever happened on the boards, all I can say is when you focus on you, the results are phenomenal. When you focus on J, you feel hurt and rejected. Think about it.
Love, Newly

I'm like sing, in that I would not have made it this far without the kindness given to me when I first came here more than two years ago. Folks, I had no-one when this began. I was overseas, I had ONE friend who I could talk to and she wasn't exactly the right one, cos she was in a six year long EMA. My family and friends were all here in Australia, and by my X's actions he cut off whatever small amount of social life I had. I was ALONE.

I cried, ranted, got angry and laughed sometimes too. And along the way of this very long and drawn out process I got support most of the time from MB. Support was not always agreeing with whatever I ranted about, but there was always a kind word.

I see where peachy's pain is right now. It is hard to give up your child to an X who has so callously hurt you and has continued to do for the entire time. Her 'wounds' have never really healed properly because the X keeps picking them, and also new things keep happening, like this new hurt of the OW being pregnant. Within or out of wedlock, that has still got to hurt. It would hurt me if my now married X had another child, because he told me he didn't want anymore.

I have been through a very hard time the past couple of months, and MB has heard very little of it because of the answers to peachy's thread in November. I though to myself that the time frame is similar to peachy's so these people will probably tell me the same stuff, which I would have deemed unhelpful. Why? Because I have a NEW issue that pains me greatly, and has brought up a lot of baggage and triggers. The new issue is that after two years separation, X came BACK to Australia and now has visitation every second week, and currently has the kids for Christmas...this is our first Christmas apart. My life as a single mum was settled, and now we had to go through MORE change. It hurts.

But I didn't post about my pain, for fear of being told to get over it already. As a result, I have had nowhere to vent (my friends are great, but they have not been through this, and my parents still get mad at X). And as a result, this is taking me a long time to deal with. Too long, and the past seems to be playing in my mind too much these days. I would feel alone again, if I didn't have the support via IM of my friend NotMyWill.

ragamuffin, this place HAS changed, and not for the better. I feel that there are too many people here who think they can tell someone when their grief should be over, and while some of their advice is logical (like the don't let the X have power over your feelings thing) sometimes the person they are writing to is overcome with renewed pain and anger that they are unable to hear it. Like I would have been. I wanted kindness, not criticism.

Sometimes BS's post the latest hurtful thing that their X did and more or less get told they over-reacted. Well, these people are in pain because the X is STILL pushing their buttons (and believe me, when that happens I HATE it) and the BS KNOWS it was calculated because they KNOW their X, but all some people here see is a vindictive and bitter BS taking things too personally.

The trick for people replying is to make sure they understand WHY the person is having a rant, and not just look at the time frame and think "Well, gee, it's been a while, get over it already!" And to tell someone not to let the X push their buttons is good advice, but when we are dealing with new hurtful events, this becomes almost impossible for a time.

The pattern of events that occur in each situation makes the recovery time of the BS differ. Some of you are able to be divorced in three months for example. I had to wait over a year before I could even file (and when I did, he beat me to it). Then comes the settlement, which draws things out as well. We couldn't agree on some things, so it took even longer than it should have. So this mess is in some people's faces for much longer than some would suppose.

The thing that made me seethe in LoveMyX's post was the advice for peachy to basically stop whining on the boards and email her friends instead. Good GRIEF! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> WHERE, I ask, is the MB in that? It was like saying, be happy here or get lost. At MB? We are ALL in pain in varying degrees, and for someone to be given that little gem of advice must have cut to the core.

For peachy: You have people here who understand, and who see each situation for what it is, at the TIME that it is at. Please don't stay away, cos we have learned so much from you. You are a valuable member of this board and how you feel is important. I for one understand that even though you progress along this path, that sometimes rocks are still being put in the way. Together at MB, we can walk around them.

Love and light,

Jacky

Jacky: please go back and reread my posts before stating something that I did not say. I have already explained the reasons why I asked Peachy why she is here. They were questions for HER to examine her own reasons for her posts. I made the suggestion that perhaps when people, who are "regulars" here, post only to vent but not to receive advice, they might write that in their title: "Vent only. Need comfort, no advice please." Otherwise...

What I don't quite understand though, and maybe some of you can explain, is why you view the MB board as being so crucial to a person, like Peachy, that if they do decide to leave, they will be worse off (a few, not all, comments alude to this)?? I often get the impression that some here are far too reliant on the MB board as a place that is a "cure-all." Are there other means of help outside of MB? Other books, church, friends, counselors, etc? Can MB acutally be detrimental to a person's growth/healing if in fact, it is seen as a person's only community.

I hope that all of you have vibrant, active lives outside of the MB community as it is a faceless one (yes, I know, some have met in real life. But for the most part, it is an anonymous and faceless one). I receive far more comfort/help from real-flesh freinds who can hug me, cry with me, eat lunch with me, smile at me, etc. vs. faceless voices who all look the same (typed words). It sounds to me like Peachy did too as she ended up receiving the answers she was looking for from her sister.

I would encourage anyone to get far more involved with real-life relationships vs. a website. That is not to say the website is not good or helpful, but that it is not an end-all cure-all, and sometimes if a person "leaves," it could actually be very beneficial for them, esp. if they are neglecting things due to their time here (which I have to make sure that I don't do because it is easy to do).

None of that is not to say peachy should or should not leave. It does not matter to me if she does or not because she needs to make her own life choices. Believe it or not, I have nothing personal towards her and nothing to gain or lose by her leaving or staying-- well, other than my sanity! I was once called the other woman after my very first post to peachy. That threw me for a loop! And now I am "stalking" peachy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> It's annoying, but I can live with it because I know that it's hard to accuractely judge someone via the net esp. when emotions run high.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ragamuffin, this place HAS changed, and not for the better.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And thus, the realities of life. Nothing stays the same. No community, no family, no person. People are born, peole move, people die. If things stayed the same, it would be unhealthy. Growth changes things. It is important to be able to accept change and if you feel it is poor change, do what you can to improve it.

What do you suggest can be done to improve the boards with the problems that you see?

I realize some of my comments are off the topic of a poll on whether or not peachy stay. But some thoughts that I hope you'll consider.

<small>[ December 23, 2003, 07:35 PM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

Peachy - don't leave. Stay here and help yourself and all of us and the newbies. Hon, some people get really hard on some of us. Believe me, I was one of them that was put on the spot.

You are growing by leaps and bounds, and you are going to have set backs. We all well, cause what we went through we didn't deserve, the betrayed.

Please think hard about this, and I am asking for you to stay.

I used to once talk to someone else here a lot. But she now posts only once in awhile and that was Orchid. No longer do I hear from her. Seems she has her life together, which is good. But she also had great pride in herself, and was able to have her marriage brought back together.

LoveMYEX,

You are truly blessed if you have friends that you could turn to in your times of trouble. Not everyone is so blessed.

Like Jacky during the worst of my troubles I was overseas, I had no one, I was prentening to my family & friends back here in the states that everything was fine that moving was the answer to my prayers. This was my only outlet. I survied because I had to but MB helped me get through each day for over 6 mths. There were people here who checked on me every day to let me know I was cared for & NEVER did they tell me to get over anything. They were just here thanks Dave, Sheryl, Wendy & many others.....

Like Jacky again I don't rant on here very much any more because I don't want to be told I should be over it. I'm getting their; however I know there are some wounds that may not heal for yrs if ever.

You do have a good point about maybe some threads should just say venting........

LoveMyEx...

I am also glad you had/have a great support system outside of MB. That is not always the case for someone whose spouse has had an affair and they want to make the marriage work. My friends and family mostly told me that I should be glad my ex left. At that time, I wasn't ready to hear that. I needed to hear that I was doing a good job at my plan A and eventual plan B. I needed someone to listen to me whine about how much I loved him and how much I hated him. And ya know, for 2 years they did that. Most of the people who were here for me and lived thru my life with me are gone or only stop in once in a while. But they made such a profound impact on my life that I will never forget one of them. I made it thru my divorce. I made it thru being a single mom who had never had a job, with 3 sons. And when I was getting married the second time, this place was the first place I came to.

If Peachy needs to be here to whine and complain and vent, so be it. It doesn't mean she's bitter. It just means that this is the place she feels safest letting out those feelings and thoughts!

I'd hate to hear some of the responses I would get from some people here if I posted how things were between me and my ex! LOL LOL

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sing & Mitzi,

I can definitely see how this (or any website) place can be helpful if one lacks a good support group. And I'm really not against the board in and of itself. I don't think the web or forums in and of themselves are "bad" (although some places are yes, BAD.. i.e. pornography and OW boards?). I've seen alot of people receive good advice, etc. here. Even just realizing that they are not alone can be very comforting.

This is a place where people come and go and stories are told by only "one side." Also, people have differening reasons for being here. Some are literally desperate for advice. Some just want to "vent" and really only want to hear from "familiar faces." This is one reason why I suggested titling a post a certain way. I have seen people write in their title: "To so and so." And I normally don't post to those because they have something specific they want to ask/discuss with someone specific which I can see by their title.

I think sometimes the board is used as more of a personal jounal. Does that make sense? Emotions and stories are shared in a journal-type form... a "vent." It is a risk because it is a forum. The def. of a form in the dictionary is: "a meeting place or medium for discussion of matters of public interest." It is not really private here and opinions can be and are given. I keep a journal, but it's private. I "vent" within it and I vent in my prayers to God which is where I mostly pour out my heart when I am hurting, angry, etc. I sometimes "vent" to a few friends, but I know that they can only "carry my burdens" so much and so far. I think it's important to journal like that, but if it's done where all eyes can freely see (a forum)... well, it's a risk where the person might get unwanted feedback. Does that make sense?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If Peachy needs to be here to whine and complain and vent, so be it. It doesn't mean she's bitter. It just means that this is the place she feels safest letting out those feelings and thoughts!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm really neither for or against her being here. What I've seen I have seen as bitterness/resentment but I fully can understand how difficult it has got to for her, and I appreciate what you've both said in these last two posts giving explanation/insight without calling me "clueless" or other such adjectives. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Thanks.

I do wish her well and know that her situation has been a very, very difficult and painful one. My heart goes out to her far more than some who've posted to me here realize.

<small>[ December 23, 2003, 09:49 PM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

LoveMyEx,

I wouldn't call you "clueless" or anything like that! I read everything that was posted before me and thought that opinions and feelings can be stated without being angry or seemingly uncaring. It's a much better approach than arguing (which happens here far more than it used to). I'd like to see MB get back to the way it used to be...more people giving advice based on MB practices. Everyone needs to be reminded once in a while that LB'ing not only takes place in a marriage but in any other relationship we might have.

I understand what you were trying to say to Peachy. The way you question sometimes reminds me of a couple of "old-timers" (K and CA-123). They are 2 of MB's best!

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

P.S. That is an awesome Helen Keller quote Sing. I love the story of Helen Keller- it is very, very inspiring.

Mitzi,

Maybe the "arguing" goes on more here because there are more people? I don't know because I wasn't here then, but do you think maybe that's partly why? Do you think there's anything that can be done about it?

I know in my "real life," every job, every relatoinship, every church I've been to, etc... has always at one time or another had "problems" due to PEOPLE. Someone here I think once said something like, "If it weren't for people, we'd all get along." Something like that.

Yes, I agree that it's possible to post w/o being angry or seemingly uncaring. Not always easy if you are upset, but possible if you work real hard to word your words right! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I think my "bluntness" is sometimes seen here as me being "judgemental" (not in real life... I can smile, hug, and soften the words in real life <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> , but one thing I've never done is "namecall" any person, and I won't.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Everyone needs to be reminded once in a while that LB'ing not only takes place in a marriage but in any other relationship we might have.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, and that's a good point. LB'ing can happen in any human relationship. And I think it can happen more in internet/email relationships because it's only typed words void of expression and voice. I had an ex-boyfriend who I got along with great in person, but when we'd IM each other, we always ended up fighting! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> It's very easy to misunderstand or misread what someone is saying when it's all by typed words.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I understand what you were trying to say to Peachy. The way you question sometimes reminds me of a couple of "old-timers" (K and CA-123). They are 2 of MB's best!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">CA-123? Hmmm... he and I have butted heads before! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Nothing major though.

p.s. Do you have a link to your "story"?

Oops... found it a few posts down! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

<small>[ December 23, 2003, 10:08 PM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

Nope not back.

Just sat down and read some of this stuff here. And on my other post where I asked a question and instead got psychologically analzyed by somebody that's not a psych by profession...In case you were wondering...I do have minor in psych btw. Degree in health care, but minor in that.

LMX, the other thread was not yours and you've turned it into something it was not intended to be.

And if somebody wants to vent then so be it.

Last I checked, this was to be a forum dedicated to those divorcing and going through issues related to divorce. We all have different ones. And there is not any RULE regarding labeling a post a "vent" or not. Is this a new rule being imposed? Hmmmm.

It's hard enough going through the holidays although this year is better than last year...And then to have somebody that doesn't know you from Adam tell others out in the internet void, or rather, infer that you could be violent to OW or XH...My goodness that was just wrong. Plain wrong.

I am not back. But I am going to say to not hijack my thread anymore with any personal insights because those that do know me, have met me, have talked yea, in person with me, know a whole lot more than you do and you're way off base.

Those who want to email me can do so via the people I mentioned earlier.

I just want to enjoy my holidays and do something happy and for my son.

And if you didn't care if I were posting here on the boards or not, you wouldn't be posting and going on and on and on and on and on about me...again, somebody you do not know. I was here long before you got here.

Quote by Peachy: "I was here long before you got here."

?


Webster's Dictionary: Forum: "a meeting place or medium for discussion of matters of public interest."

example: Marriage Builders DISCUSSION FORUMS

<small>[ December 23, 2003, 10:50 PM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

Check the dates of when we both joined MB ok. One year before you did. Alot happened during that one year I can tell you.

And there are to be no more inferences about your "fear that I could become violent" or how you horribly misjudged me as a person. I do not have that in me and never have had. That is wrong and although we do not post who we are here or anything else, it still is defamation of character. Inferring your "fear" that I or anybody else here that you do not know has supposed propensity for violence is ludicrous. It's like me walking into the clinic tomorrow morning before peforming a procedure on my patient and saying "ya know...I saw a movie about brain surgery on lifetime last night and the person went bezerk in a shopping mall because of their aneurysm...you could have the same thing happen and I fear that for you.." without it ever being clinically founded or truth or properly diagnosed. If I did that with my job like you did with me, not only would I be having my clinical licensed revoked, but I'd probably be in a lawsuit.

End of discussion.

Bye all. Am not going to be back for some time if ever...I have a life that needs getting on with.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Alot happened during that one year I can tell you.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have no doubt.

Take care whatever you decide to do.

Thread is closed at the request of several members.