Knowing that this will happen, I decided to fight it. I decided to fight the whole scene and try to be happy. But you know what, tonight I finally broke down with friends from church again. I explained to them all about the issues of going downtown with husband to get my alimony and childsupport. I explained the situation of the bogas insurance he supplied. And you know what, it hurts really bad.

I did go shopping for a little few things with my son yesterday. But you know what, the wanting to buy gifts is not there. I went through the motions, and tried really hard to find things that I thought everyone would want. I did do a good job, and my son helped me, which I really appreciated. But my spirit is not there. I thought it was, but today I am really down. I know there will be these ups and downs. So this is just a thread to vent my sorrow.

I am crying my heart out, as I type. Just can't seem to get my mind focused on anything but self pity. Good thing I have counseling this coming Friday. My counselor told me that I might have a hard time, and I felt I was under control.

Yes, x was here today, and said what are we going to do about x-mas. Well, I said I will do what the kids want. So christmas morning will be spent here opening gifts. They don't want to have to go to his house and my house. Then he says, are we going to exchange gifts. Him and I. I basically wanted to cry so hard. I told him, NO, why should we? I wanted to say, you don't give a sh*t about me, and it is being proven every day. I wanted to say, you decide for yourself, you wanted the affair, you didn't ask me. You wanted the divorce, you didn't ask me. So why should he ask me now if I and him should exchange gifts. So he can do what he wants, and I will do what I want. I should of said, do whatever you feel in your heart. I should of said, I will do whatever I feel in my heart. I did say, I no longer am taking care of you. You have to take care of yourself, and your circumstances. But I will say, it hurt really deep, for him to ask. I remember in his long time posts, that he would take care of me. That he would always watch over me. I remember last anniversary, he said, after he gave me a card, that he would always get me a card and say how much he cared about me. Well, this anniversary, there was nothing. And that hurt to. See, he has said things, just to say them to all of you and to me. But to follow through, he doesn't do. So I will do what I want for christmas this year. If I get him a gift, good, and if I do not get him a gift, good. The same with him, if he gets me a gift, good, and if he doesn't get me a gift good.

Why did he even ask. Why did he put this gift giving down to, if I give a gift he will give a gift. Where is the heart in this season of gift giving. I guess this really upset me and made me really sad.

Anyways, YES this is venting, and I had to tell someone here. The good people at church understand, and said this is the difficult time of year to have to go through what I have.

Talk to you later. Need to soak in the tub and cry my heart out. I hate this pain, it hurts so much.

Faith,

My maybe/almostX are doing Christmas togather. He's has been here the last 2 Christmas mornings. It started by accident the 1st Christmas it was the last yr that my YS would believe in St Nick & I wanted his dad here plus he was living with the OW & I knew the troulbe it would cause him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Last yr we wouldn't have done but he was moving out New Years Eve from her & I didn't want to do anything to stop it.

This yr I really wasn't going to do it however it just seemed silly not to do it all togather. We don't have family here so why not.

However, my onceH's indifference to me no longer hurts me. I look at him as the father of my children and I care for him because of that.

Besides he treats me a whole of lot better than your X.

This is the 1st Christmas in 5 yrs I have been in the mood for Christmas, I have spent too much money because I was happy!!! Now do I still get sad about the tradgey of my family falling apart yes but I don't get depressed anymore.

hoping you find more peace and joy in the new year

F4M,
You still have expectations of him which he can't meet. Focus on yourself and your happiness this Christmas season.
You are religious, so remember the holiday for what it means - Jesus's birth. Go to church. Spend time with your church family. Encourage your children to go with you. If you go, you will feel better - a part of something larger than your life.
Only you have the power to change your life. Start the New Year right - as a gift to yourself.

Have you heard of the Prayer of Jabez, it basically says, ask for what you want, God doesn't know it all. Try it, and try to find peace this holiday season.

May God bless you and your family.

PS. Presents are for the children. Even if yours are older, it doesn't matter if you get anything.

Faith4me
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So I will do what I want for christmas this year. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry your so down, but I think you should focus on what you've already said. Do what you want to do to make you feel good about the holidays.

I didn't ask my STBXW if we were exchanging gifts, but I wanted to. I have felt for a while that I wanted to get her something meaninfull but I decided not to. The only reason I was going to ask, and the reason I didn't get her anything was because I did't want to get her something and have her not get me anything. Not that it matters to me if she did, but I didn't want to put her in an awkward possition. So maybe H was asking you for reasons other than only doing it if you were. Perhaps is was more of not doing it if you weren't

Why do you continue to let him walk into your home under ANY circumstances. I don't care if the KIDS want him there. I don't care if it is Christmas, I don't care if he is dying.

DO NOT LET HIM INTO YOUR HOME AND YOU WILL NOT HAVE THESE PROBLEMS. You could have other problems but you won't have these particular ones.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Faith4me:
<strong>
Why did he even ask. Why did he put this gift giving down to, if I give a gift he will give a gift. Where is the heart in this season of gift giving. I guess this really upset me and made me really sad. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am sorry you, me and all who find ourselves in a mess we never asked for. My sitch is a little similar. My WW is filing for D right after the Holidays. I didn't see any reason to continued the cherade knowing the other shoe is about the drop. What's the point? Gift giving is an expression of love and to bring joy. How can you feel that when you know your going to be cut loose in favor of someone else?

I went shopping with my D. I told her that I was going to buy a little token gift for my WW to open. We are doing (probably for the last time) gift giving and opening with my IL's at their house. My D and I were invited, I suppose as a show by my WW to demonstrated her 'generous nature'. HA! While D and I shopped she told me my WW spent $250 for my gift! I don't know what that is all about. Guilty concience? I thought about it and decided to give her an equally expensive gift so I bought her a nice leather coat that she can model for the OM. I did it to offset the effect of her generousity over mine and allowing her to feel like her parting gesture was generous. Dumb? I don't know, but I won't feel like I she bought me off.

Things will be better for you and I next year. I promise. It just doesn't seem like it now. When you need to cry, do it. When you're done, smile. Program yourself to be happy.. First you act it and then become it.

I agree with BABA. Keep him away. Everytime he comes around, he reminds you of what was. You will heal, but not as easily as you would if you weren't repeatedly reminded of him, by his hanging aound you.

Let go of him. He knows he still has you on a string, D or no D. If you can't let him go yet in your heart, APPEAR to let go and act cheerful and agreeable. Sweetie, I know it ain't easy, but loosing your self respect will hurt you more and for longer. The more you cling the harder he struggle to free himself. He can't miss you if you ain't gone and maybe OW won't look so good when she is no longer a choice, but all he's got left. Go proudly forth into the future with your head held high. Don't just accept it, choose it.

A {{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} for you and my
prayers that you accept the peace and contentment that can be yours if only you will allow it.

Merry Christmas,
Monty

The thing about gift giving is do you ask anyone are they giving you a gift? No, cause what is the point, I will do for you if you do for me? That is not the point of x-mas and the real spirit of christmas. So it hurt, and did show me that he is still just unhealthy. Anyways, I will do what I want, cause I decided long back that I would do what I want.

As for church, looks like I am the only one going to church. The kids don't want to go, for the basic reason, I feel, we used to go as a family, and no longer are we a family. It might be painful for them, and that is fine. I will go to church, for I do have family there, that will greet me and give me wonderful hugs. I am just scared that I will cry tonight. I am trying to be happy, which I was until a day ago. Who knows it could be my hormones are spiraling down or just the holidays.

I want someone to sit next to and I can lean my head on his shoulder, and we could hold hands. I want a man who loves God, who isn't one of these holiday church goers. I want a man who believes wholeheartedly in God, fellowship, union of family members at church.

Just a pity party going on in myself, and trying to get out of it. My daughter and I baked most of the day. Otherwise, I was not going to bake anything. Didn't feel like it, and really didn't want things around to eat. But she is really in the mood, and so I said I would help. She is a great gourmet adventure cook, loves, to find recipes and try. So she did quite a few different recipes: keylime pie from scratch (yes we zested the keylimes and juiced them by hand). That one is done and it really looks good. A homemade lemon pie (yes again zested the lemon and squeezed the lemon). A homemade cherry cheesecake. Takes 1 hour for the cheesecake to bake and sits in the oven for 2 hours to set. And homemade chocolate chip cookies, and homemade sugar cutout cookies, and chocolate no drop cookies. I am making one thing for dinner tomorrow, a HEALTHY Michigan cherry salad. We are having if any of you know what it is, is City Chicken. Myself and 2 of my young adults are going to grandmas house to start those shortly. They are good, but time consuming. Not in the mood to eat recently.

Also, I got a call from my doctor this morning, about my MRI I had done Friday. So I have to deal with that, and did talk to the previous Dr. that did my right shoulder surgery. Now to see if he will do my left shoulder surgery. I have the issue that my x-husband didn't pay the bill from the previous surgery, she brought up that my bill was not paid, I told her the circumstances, and now that it would be under medicaid. She is going to talk to the Dr. and if not I asked for a recommendation. I would like to have the surgery done in the next week or two, so that I could continue on with school at the university starting in January.

Just another thing that did get me down today, and I started crying again. Seems I will never get out of this big crapola mess. Can't even get my shoulder fixed without more drama of x-husband and his being unthoughtful after he told the Dr. he would pay the bill. My X hasn't even paid the hospital off and now I need more surgery.

Anyways, I did ice last night and tried to have my daughter work on my shoulder. After zesting the fruit, I paid for it. And that is cause my shoulder is in need of getting repaired.

Well, thanks everyone. I am trying. And actually I was in a pretty good mood. Just hate these lows, and didn't think it would be bad this year. Knowing that pain causes depression has an effect on me mentally, is part of the problem. Last night was an awful nights sleep. And today it is somewhat better, but still if I move my head a lot, I get a little dizzy. Lot better than last night, I was dizzy just moving my eyes.

Hope everyone knows the true meaning of the season. My church will help me realize this tonight, as I sit in the pew without my family. Will hurt deeply, but reality is the family is not a unit anymore.