I was separated from my husband in August of 2002. Christmas 2002 wasn't perfect but I didn't feel as bad as I do this year. After a bad marriage that included some verbal abuse, I was riding on a high last year knowing that things were going to change for the better, I would meet a good man, etc.

Fast forward to this year when things were supposed to be much easier. As they say, time heals all wounds. I believe this - more importantly prayer helps as well. My divorce was final in June 2003. Why is this Christmas so much more difficult? I DON'T want to be back with my ex-husband by any means! However, things are so much clearer this year. I am struggling with not being where I wanted to be at this point in my life. I wanted to start a family, etc. Plus, the good memories of my marriage are haunting me this year.

I am dating a wonderful, caring man. I can see us getting married some day. He has two beautiful children that I love. He is a great father and a great boyfriend. My boyfriend has his children on Christmas Eve at 8:00 through around 11:00 Christmas Day. He was hoping that I would stay at his house on Christmas Eve to be with him when his children saw their gifts from Santa on Christmas morning. He was hoping for a romantic Christmas - we would spend time together after his children went to bed, exchange gifts, snuggle. However, in his words, I dropped a bombshell on him tonight. The only way I could spend Christmas with him would be to not spend Christmas Eve at my Grandma's house. She is 81 and I am extremely close to her. I would also have to give up some time with my parents as well - we have some traditions that I don't want to give up this year. I realize that marriage can change holiday schedules. I want to see my boyfriend badly on Christmas but I also need to be with my family this year. We have been seeing each other for 8 months. I made the mistake of telling him tonight that it is "not like we are married or anything". I regret saying this to him - All I mean't was that if we were married I would be more flexible with my holiday schedule. I used the wrong words and didn't mean to sound harsh. He told me it made him feel like he didn't rank at all with me. He feels hurt and I feel like a ***** that I said it.

I feel so torn. I am 31 years old - my parents are not getting any younger. My father will be 70 years old in two weeks. I need to be with my family this year. I feel like I am treating my boyfriend so badly and it is not my intention. My emotions are so torn right now. I don't want to lose him but I feel like I am so caught right now.

I am sorry - I just needed a place to vent. Between dealing with the aftermath of my divorce and caring for my boyfriend I am a mess right now. I am tired of crying and I don't want to ruin Christmas!

OMG, your boyfriend made you feel bad about not wanting to spend the night with him on Christmas Eve but instead wanting to go to your parents?

Are you in another verbally abusive relationship? In the last week, I have reread "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Pat Evans. My therapist recommended it in January, 2002, when my H had just broken my arm, (unbeknownst to me) was in the midst of an affair, and was swearing at me. I told her that it wasn't helpful because it described subtle verbal abuse, and "F you" isn't subtle.

The reason why I am telling you this is that my H has been going to anger management so the swearing and physical abuse has stopped, and guess what? Verbal abuse. The book is good for me now.

Maybe you could look at it. He is discounting your feelings.

Please be careful of getting yourself into another abusive relationship. I was in an abusive relationship, not being able to do things, xhusband is a controller, and I just couldn't do many things without asking him.

Your parents are getting older. And there is a faith of children to start reversing the needs. We as children are to start taking care of our parents, and this is if not already done, is the time to show our parents that we love them.

I would really look at the situation and comprehend his verbal words. You might be in for a shock one day soon, to find you are getting into something that you divorced.

Just tell him everything you 'told' us.
If you did it already - warning! - he HAS TO understand your feelings (re: spending holidays with you parents and your concerns/fears of losing them one day...) Otherwise... you need somebody else.