<p>[ December 03, 2001: Message edited by: Gibby1 ]</p>

Gibby,<p>First, congrats on your two months! I know that's a long, hard battle...and while I'm no expert, let me caution you about thinking 'it's under control'...I'm sure you know it is never under control and you always must be vigilant and steadfast in your sobriety.<p>That said, I think your wife is still maybe afraid to trust that you'll stay sober--she's been through a lot---I think it will take time to win her trust back. But keep loving her and be patient. You know, One day at a time. And remember, there are some things you can change (your drinking), some you can't (her behavior/feelings)---sometimes the hardest part is knowing the difference.<p>Prayers.

Thanks diddallas. You're so right. I've taken some 'serenity' in a prayer we say at AA every meeting.<p>"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."<p>Thank you for your prayers.

well, I know that 'hurry up' is one of the traits of compulsion...<p>Just remember, she was with you for at least 2 years in which your disease tore away at your marriage and her love....Rome wasn't built in a day...and your marriage won't be rebuilt in a weekend. Patience.<p>I think the trip you planned a wonderful trip and I am envious! I think that is a huge deposit in the old Love Bank.<p>I also think her attitude about the 'snooping' is half normal, but really, if she hadn't been up to something she shouldn't have been, she wouldn't have cared what you looked at. The best defense is a what? If she can throw the guilt back onto you, then she is justified in her actions. I would ask to immediately cease all contact with OM. <p>Read this site over and over. There are tons of great people here who care and will share their experience with you.

Boy -you've already got me pegged. I've always been a 'get it done now' kind of guy. I realize that and am trying to show patience (even while my gut is racing around).<p>Unfortunately, the OM (Other Man?) has to be in her professional life unless she changes jobs. And that is not happening! I'm ok with it though, because she told me it was wrong and has since 'broken off' that part of her friendship with him. I trust her that she is telling me the truth (it helps that he is 1500 miles away with no money for travel).<p>diddallas, your pick up on things pretty quickly.<p>Thanks

I'm gonna take that as a compliment---but I gotta tell ya, I've been around the block a couple of times...i have been in a 12 step as well so am familiar with some of the principles...and since I was in a 12 step, that must mean I am a compulsive person, too! So, really it's just a little self-knowledge that is pretty universal among us addicts. <p>Had some therapy...and some intensive therapy! And I talk. Lord, do I talk! I blab all my feelings, thoughts, etc to my friends and I have been lucky enough to have some really smart, emotionally evolved chums in my life time.<p>I would prefer my S change jobs--I insisted after his emotional affair last winter--but I understand that sometimes that is just not possible. It's gonna make it harder for your wandering mind to find peace but, truthfully, either she's gonna not see him or she is. You don't have to work in the same place to get up to no good. Especially in this day of 'advanced' (said wryly) technology.<p>Just hang in there and keep reading this site. And remember, focus on today.

Hey Gibby1! Yeah bro I'm in the same place. W is in total withdrawl. My gig is mood swings. Bad ones. I'm on meds now. W doesn't trust I'll keep it up. Got a ray of hope today. Said she didn't want to be having to go through this a year from now. I said "give me that year and I'll prove you won't." Man the hard part is not pushing for improvement. Gotta just do your part and let God do the rest (Gotta get God in on the deal). I'm assuming you're Christian If not e-mail me and we'll fix that). Diddallas is a good teacher. Been reading her posts(Don't let that go to your head girl [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] ) Plan A is working here but I'm a "Do it now" kinda guy too. The wait is killing me. But I'll deal with it. Yeah it's gut wrenching, really stretches the faith. Fortunately this site lets me know I'm not alone. Thanks for the response on the message spy, I'm still thinking on it. Not sure if I'm ready for that yet. Keep posting you progress. J.

Aw, shucks, jer, you sure know how to turn a gal's head!<p>I know what you guys mean about 'now, now, now'...on Wednesday, I decided to take the EN questionnaire and ask H to fill it out...I was gonna wait until Sunday when I had had a chance to really make a big ole deposit in the LB by letting him go the his hideous friend's graduation party (I am NOT invited) and not make a big stink...needless to say,<p>I pushed it at him before the sun went down Thursday! Did it really nice, told him that I needed help to make improvements, blah, blah, blah...I left it on the table--maybe he'll look at it...told him I had done one and would give it to him after he did his...so, now I want that damn thing today!!!<p>I want to 'fix' my marriage today and move forward with life. It's so hard for me to realize that life is a process, not a goal.<p>Gibby, as I said before, just keep loving her and showing her she can count on you. Be her friend. I know that's cliche and corny but I really have to say that H is one of my best friends and it's important to me that he is. I would like him even if we weren't married. Keep going to counseling...I think this is a case of what my daddy used to call "don't tell me about the labor pains, show me the baby". I'm sure she feels that you have let her down before and is afraid to open herself back up to the hurt again.
That's a normal response, I think. Just keep trying. She'll come around--I;'m willing to bet on it...(wait, no, can't bet--that would lead to ANOTHER 12 step program [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] --)

Yeah I did the ENQ for my W and gave her 1 to fill out. Got no idea where it's at. Good to know there's women out there who want to fix things now too [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] And they got a 12 step for gambling? What's the odds on them having good coffee? Thought we could use a lite post here [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

I gave the ENQ to H the other day and it's still sitting on the table where I left it and right now I am so damn mad at him, I'm fixing to go out with a cigarette (I don't smoke) fire old the fireplace and burn it along with the one I already filled out. It's not like he's ever gonna read them.<p>He's such a jerk..<p>And yes, there is gamblers anonymous and I'm betting (HA HA) that the coffee is strong enough to walk to the horse track on its own.

Thanks everyone for the positive feedback. Whoever described this as a rollercoaster nailed it pretty good! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>For the past few days we had some good stuff starting. Laughs, smiles, hugs, some affection. Then when Excite shut down, we lost our cable internet. So I set up my bus. laptop fpr her using my msn account. That way she could keep up with email and chat with friends (I'm ok with that know). She wrote me a beautiful email saying that she thinks we can be good again. Not one hour after writing that email, she is cold and dark again. The next day she asks me if I had spy software on the laptop. I told her know and that I was done with the spying (too painful and she needs privacy). She tells me that she doesn't know if she can ever trust me again and can't go thru life that way. I told her that I can't go thru life wondering about EA's and potential PA's. And that is why we must have faith in eachother telling the truth.<p>Time will heal the wounds, but my patience is thinning and I get angry faster. Got to watch that!!<p>Your posts are helping me very much. Thanks again y'all!! Keep'em coming!<p>Gibby1

I'd be kind of curious as to why she needed to know if there was spyware on the laptop...but it really does all boil down to trust. If she is going to contact OM, then she will find a way. You can't watch her 24/7...you just have to trust her. And vice-versa.<p>ONE DAY AT A TIME...SOMETIMES IT'S ONE MINUTE AT A TIME!!!!<p>gib, are you on meds? They will help you cope! It keeps me from losing it when stuff goes not quite as I had hoped. Something to think about.<p>Hang in there...I have faith in you.