My 1st x-mas since the separation 2 months agao. It feels like years. I can barely remember life before this happened. W came over last night for x-mas eve to make cookies for samta with our 2 1/2 year old daughter. It was a bit strained. She even commented on how none of my presents were from her, just from our daughter 'considering our situation' she said. That really hurt, but I guess I need to not have any expectations. She came back early this morning to open presents. I got her some nice stuff that I know she wanted but could/would not buy herself. This was a tough call because if I got her nothing, she'd think I didn't care, but if I got her too much, she'd think I was trying to buy her love back.

She didn't get me much, but the one present was a plaster heart with our daughter's handprint in it and a nice poem on the back. It took them three nights to make. It's hard to believe that she could just do this as a project for her and our daughter. It seems like it must have also involved a lot of consideration on her part too. It made my eyes tear up when I opened it and read the poem.

Afetr that she said she was going home, but would go to the movies with us later that afternoon (a tradition of ours) and that she bought some steaks for dinner! This all sounded very encouraging. Movie was fun, but she got tired before dinner and left. I expected that and wasn't disappointed. Then she called and asked if we could do it tomorrow instead! She also wrote me a nice email thanking me for the great gifts and for the fun day. Told me she really loved her gifts and that she even had one of them in her cart and returned it because it was too extravangant for her budget. Sign of a perfect gift <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

So here I am feeling very conflicted. I want to believe that these are all good signs that some fog may be clearing, but also think it may just be her trying to prove that we can be friends or civilized - but still separate - and having absolutely no change of heart.

I don't know what to do with this seemingly delicate situation. I will try to continue the good feelings tomorrow if she comes for dinner, but I'm sure I could be doing something to make better use of this time with her. As I've been told before on this site, your instincts will almost alwys be wrong. I'm also still not sure when to bring up the fact that she agreed to one phone session alone with Cerri. I'm thinkning of just telling her I already scheduled it and paid for it, but I'm not sure. I don't want her to change her mind because she feels pressured by me.

Any helpful advice???

Merry X-mas to all

Paul

I don't know how to preserve the nice balance that may or may not be momentum building up. I know whenever I'm nice, it's interpretted as "I'm willing to come back and you don't have to change a thing."

But, in my case, my STBX was not all willing to try the MB principles, and when he finally agreed to counseling only wanted to vent.

I'd say tell your wife you've already paid for the session if that's the case, but don't schedule it. And ask Penny first. She'll know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Have a nice day after.

Thanks for the reply green. If you've read any of my posts, you'll know that I've been telling my separated W that I have been reading a lot of different things and trying to improve myself as a spouse and take my share of responsibility for her leaving. I'm sure she's afraid to be too friendly because she knows thatt I'll be thinknig she is having a change of heart. But there's only so long she can be mean and cold if I don't give her anything to be mean and cold about. I guess we'll have to see what happens tonight. I probably won't bring up the phone session with Cerri until I hear from her first.

Foggy and sad times ahead

Thanks

Paul

Well, W came over last night for dinner. She brought some steaks and a fancy fruit salad that must have taken some work. We fed our daughter, put her to bed, and then made dinner. It was nice to be able to cook with her again. It just felt right. I rented a movie and we ate and watched a movie - like old times. Unfortunately, our daughter kept waking up and crying. She cried things like mommy's going to leave, etc. Broke my heart. I finally just let het fall asleep on the couch with us while we watched the movie.

At the end of the night she left. I resisted any urge to do more than give her a hug and a little kiss on the cheek.

So, now I'm not sure why she came over at all. She may have just wanted to see our daughter because I'll have her for the next few days. Then again, if that's the case, why not do something with us during the day instead of when she's going to be going to bed??? Also, with our daughter being upset when she's there at 'our house', I don't want W to not come over for fear of upsetting our daughter. In her mind, this is the obvious solution, whereas in my mind, the obvious BETTER solution is to work on fixing our marriage and eventually coming home.

Not sure what to do now. Just wait and see what she does next? Do I ask her to do something for New Year's or is this against the 180 rules? Does anybody have a feel for what might be going on in her head right now? I'm hoping that she will see that we can have a good time together, she will be less and less able to see me as the person she needed to get away from, and she will run out of excuses in her head to not try to fix this mess.

Oh yeah, my family will be in town this week for my b-day and my sister was thinking of going over to W's place with a bottle of wine and just hanging out with her for awhile. They had a good relationship before all this happened. I think it might be a good idea, but as usual, I don't trust my instincts at all here.

Any thoughts?

Thanks for your help

Paul

<small>[ December 27, 2003, 09:55 AM: Message edited by: paul16801 ]</small>

Paul,

Its great that you and W are able to have a civil, pleasant time together.

I have been home with W and kida since X-mas eve and also have some of the same feelings as what you are.
My best recomendation would be to leave all relationship stuff alone for rest of holidays and if she brings them up, keep them short to try and avoid spoiling a good thing.
She may just be in the spirit of the holiday and I wouldn't read too much into it right now.
Keep the time that the 2 of you are spending together as pleasannt as possible for her without the chance of any pressure on her. I'm sure you can be patient to see what the results may be after the holidays are over.

Hopefully for you and me W's will see that things can be better after all <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Have you asked her what she plans for New Years. This one is still a little up in the air for me also but it is my B-day so will will most likely be spending the day as a family again.

I noticed that you said this week was you B-day. What day ? mine is 12-31


Happy holidays and Happy Birthday

WIWH!

WIWH,

Hi. Sounds like we each may have had a good x-mas, but don't know it yet! I'm still a long way off. I know that. When she came over last night, she was wearing a ring on her right hand that looked like her wedding ring for a second. My heart dropped. She later told me it was just something she picked up at a local craft show. I really have to keep myself grounded better than that.

My birthday is 12/30. I'm going to be 40! Happy frickin birthday. But my whole family will be here from all over. 5 siblings and theri families, and both parents! I told W she was invited to come for dinner with us, but I don't expect that to happen. Just wanted her to know that they all still loved her. I'm still wondering about my sister going there with a bottle of wine one night. May be good, may backfire too.

Well, I hope at midnight on New Year's, that you are kissing your W in your house. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Paul

Happy frikin Birthday indeed,

I'll be 35. My family is too far away to visit. I live by W's family. Sometimes I think that if I was closer to My family that W wouldn't be so willing to do things together. Maybe she feels a little sorry for me, or maybe she realizes how much her and kids mean to me.

I'm still home with W and kids now. The longest I've been here in almost 4 months. W doesn't even seem to mind it. In fact, she's been renting movies for us every night. I know it doesn't mean much but she used to get mad at me several times a day.

I know I have to leave today and that is the hardest part so today we will have to plan for new years. W doesn't party so hopefully we will spend a quite day and night at home with the kids. I'll be kissing at least 4 girls at midnight, hopefully 5

Hey WIWH,

It sounds like things might be looking up a little for you. I just had breakfast with W to hand off our daughter. I asked her if she was interested in me showing up at midnight with a bottle of champagne on NYE and she just said it would be too weird. Next sentence says the holiday doesn't mean anything to her. I said no one should be alone on NYE, and she said well, I just don't see it that way. I told her tolook up the word empathy and left. She's the f***ing queen of mixed signals and I feel like I just undid the last week worth of progress in one minute. I have no idea what's going on inside her head most of the time and am once again, and quickly depressed.

Paul

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I feel like I just undid the last week worth of progress in one minute </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Keep in mind that, although you may have seen progress, doesn't mean that she did. Your W is probably the same as mine. We spent 4 days together, all good as far as I'm concerned. But I'm sure she found at least 1 bad thing and that is all that she will remember of all 4 days.

WIWH,

You hit the nail on the head. She was just being nice as a 'favor' to me around the holidays and my b-day, and to make the holidays nice for our daughter. I truly feel it is over and wish anyone would be able to give me hope.

Paul

Happy Birthday Paul <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm in the same boat as you, so I don't know how much hope I can give you. I do know that both of us have been impatient and are expecting miracles.
From what I've seen here at MB we need to be patient and hope that time gives us that hope. It seems like it has already been forever for us but a few months is nothing compared to the lifetime we're looking for.

Be patient, Stay away from those LB's. Don't vent on her. If you want to vent, bring it here. You can even put it in an e-mail to me if you don't want to post a vent. Be nice to her, be happy. Keep all bad vibes away from her. If you need to, walk away at times. But most importantly, be patient and let time do it's work

Hope you have a good BDay and New Year

WIWH