Happy Holidays, fellow MB'ers.

I know I don't post here a lot anymore, but I've been struck with a muse tonight that I just had to share. As y'all can see from my member # and date, I've been here for quite a while (yet another way that I'm an oldie--haha <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ), so I think I might have a little wisdom to share here that y'all need to hear.

Right now, I have several friends who are struggling within themselves because they have enormous anger toward their ex's. In most instances, my friends are the BS's and their ex's are the WS's. Here's my take on this issue.

My exH was a serial cheater, but he had his HUGE affair that really ended things almost four years ago. For those who don't know, my exH was abusive toward me and still I hung on for three years trying Plan A and Plan B and every other plan under the sun. It took me THREE YEARS to learn enough and grow enough to finally realize that it was up to me to protect myself and leave that abusive situation. My point here is that during the three years, there were lots of people--here on MB and in my life--who could see that my exH was abusing me, and who told me to leave, and who quite frankly, got a little tired of hearing me cry about how he had hurt me. The attitude was a little bit: "Well if you don't want to be hurt anymore, don't stay where you're being hurt!!"

My point is this...other people could see it, but I wasn't there yet. I still had more to learn and I needed more time to be ready and to be strong enough.

"How does this relate to being filled with anger at your ex?" you wonder?? Well, I think a lot of people here on MB can say that a BS needs to let go and move on...but in real life, in real practice, that takes a LOT of time!! BS's may even know in their head that they need to let go and move on, but it takes everyone a different amount of time to learn enough and be strong enough to DO IT.

Look, if you are in the situation today...right now...of being filled with anger toward your ex because s/he is living with their lover and everything seems to be going their way, let me just say this to you. I understand. I've been there too! I remember thinking, "He abandoned our family, shattered our lives, chose an email slut over his own children, lost our home and business...and NO ONE is telling him he was wrong!!!!!! Where are the people who tell him 'shame on you'??? Where's the justice?"

I honestly thought that if I told his family (my MIL, BIL and SIL) what he was doing and how he was behaving, that ONE of them at least would tell him, "What in the world are you doing?? CJ has been a good wife to you and loves you!! You are hurting your children and your family!!! Now stop this MLC affair, grow up, and act like a man!" but no one did. Not one of them. They all said stuff like, "do what you have to do" and "we'll support you". WHAT??? Then I thought that if I told our friends...especially our couple friends who were pretty spiritual and wise...what was going on that one of THEM would tell him, "Hey, you can NOT do that! That's wrong and you are being selfish. Honor your vows and straighten up, man!" But none of them did either. In fact, most of our old couple friends have stopped being friends with me and stayed with him. Why? Because he has a higher paying job...business connections...or works with them...that kind of thing. The kids and I were just "extras" to them. Next, I thought that maybe if I told our spiritual leader (in our case a rabbi) about what was going on, that he would say "You are breaking God's heart! Stop it! Be mature and stop sinning. Your little floozie was a fling and wrong; now go apologize and save your wife and family." But the rabbi didn't do anything...he didn't want to get involved and ESPECIALLY not to tell someone they were sinning! FINALLY, I thought for sure that the JUDGE in the divorce hearing would hear how dishonorably and disrespectfully I had been treated and finally bring me justice. FINALLY someone who tell him he couldn't act like that without some kind of consequence!!! Nope. Nada. In our state, you can divorce with no consequences for no apparent reason other than that you don't feel like it anymore. If you lie, cheat and steal...oh well.

In our divorce, my exH lied about his income. OUTRIGHT LIED. For a few months he actually earned "next to nothing" but as soon as the CS was calculated, etc. he amazing got a raise. Imagine that. Now, I'm without our home, with the burden of two children to raise by myself and only the money I can earn on my own...and that's not 1/3 of what he can earn because of course, I put HIM through college and built HIS business!!! I make enough to live on with no extras...he makes enough to take the kids on a $10K vacation for the holidays. How can I compete with that?? I can't.

Soooo...I have plenty to be angry about. At times, I've wanted to be able to be selfish and have all MY needs and desires met too. I've wanted to have a 20yo boytoy loveslave too. I wanted a brand new car and to just be able to lie my way out of every debt and forget about my kids and drive my new convertible into the sunset...uh oh. My kids. I can't do it. As much as there are days when I wish I could, I am not built that way. I just can not abandon my responsibilities as it seems he can--I'm not hard-wired that way.

Well, then what do I do with all this anger and unfairness?? I kept waiting for him to discover that his perfect mistress had warts, and if he did, he sure never let on to me! I kept waiting for the day that he regretted leaving me and the kids. Nope...never came. I thought for sure that eventually he would dump her, lose his job, and end up homeless and realizing he made a mistake! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> If anything, it was the exact opposite. He seemed HAPPY, LOVED, and RICH--whilst I was afraid, alone and poor. It's so UNFAIR!!! I was the good one!!! I did what was right, didn't lie, was faithful...and look what I got for it!!!

AARRGGHH!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Gradually, it occurred to me though. I was waiting for "justice" that was never going to come. I was spending MY time waiting for him or for his life to fall apart, and never really getting on with my life. Mine. And even though I had been horribly hurt and betrayed and devasted, my kids did not have a married-relationship with their dad like I did--they had a parent-child relationship (even if it was hard to tell who was the parent and who was the child). Even if a little girl is sexually abused and/or physically abused by her dad, she still LOVES her dad and wants him to love her. She still does not want to hurt him, and she definately does not say, "Well, you hurt me and treated me like sh*t, so I love mommy more than you now!" If a child who has been HIT and BEATEN by their dad doesn't feel that way, then my kids sure weren't going to either! And if I kept putting them in that position, then *I* was the one with the problem!

I finally started to just accept the fact that I was never going to get the justice I longed for, nor was it going to be "fair." It would NEVER be fair!! It's not "fair" that he didn't care if we lived or died for 6 months...or that he chose cybersex over his children...or that he now makes three times what I do and won't pay anymore CS...or that he takes the kids to Disney but won't buy braces. None of that is FAIR, and you know what?? It will never be "fair"...NOT EVER. My kids will never hate him, or hate OW. They may feel sorta uncomfortable with her, but they won't hate her. My kids will never stop loving him, no matter HOW he treats them. His family, my old in-laws, will choose his side no matter how obvious it is that he's wrong. His "friends" are not really friends, because a real friend would be there for him to tell him he's being a jerk. The church is a mess, so let's not even go there. And the judges are so overbooked and overburdened, they just do the math and sign a paper and send you home--they don't care about the truth or a lie.

What's left, you might ask. What's left is me. I'm left. When I accept the fact that it will NEVER be fair, and my kids will ALWAYS love him, and they will tolerate her, and he will lie and cheat, and he will ALWAYS have more money--what's left is me. I've come to a place where I've decided to do what's fair even if I don't get fairness back BECAUSE THAT'S THE KIND OF PERSON *I* AM. I've decided to not hate my exH anymore BECAUSE THAT'S THE KIND OF PERSON *I* CHOOSE TO BE. I've decided to thank God for the OW, because God says "in everything give thanks" and because she may not know it but she allowed me to grow enough to be free from abuse now. I've decided to be honest and faithful and true to myself BECAUSE THAT IS THE KIND OF PERSON *I* WANT TO BE. And I've made the decision to be happy and thankful for the money I make and what is provided for me BECAUSE I HAVE THE PRIVILEDGE OF SEEING GOD'S MIRACLES EVERY DAY and they are priceless. He may have a floozie, a new car, money, and co-worker friends--but I am true to myself, and I can sleep at night in a pure conscience. I have the daily lives of my children (priceless) and I have true friends who would give me the shirts off their backs if I needed it.

I know this is long...but in the end it's a process. Getting over the anger takes time, and my theory is that the more you were hurt the longer it takes. However, it's also a decision. It's a conscious DECISION to change yourself, change your thoughts, and get on with your life.

That"s my two cents on anger


CJ

CJ,
Amen to that!

Bob

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FaithfulWife (aka CJ):
... but in the end it's a process. Getting over the anger takes time, and my theory is that the more you were hurt the longer it takes. However, it's also a decision. It's a conscious DECISION to change yourself, change your thoughts, and get on with your life.

That's my two cents on anger</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you, CJ. And Happy Holidays to you also.

Jo

<small>[ December 25, 2003, 11:39 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Resilient:
<strong> Thank you, CJ. And Happy Holidays to you also.

Jo </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi, Jo!! Merry Christmas to you!! OMG, I feel honored to see some fellow "oldies" coming out of the woodwork! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Will you give us an update??


CJ

Faithfulwife - yes, I am still angry at my xhusband. I see this man in similar situations as you. My X makes more than what he tells, I know I did the books for years. I will have to live on $15,000 a year, if I ever get it. And he can continuously tells me you have $$$$. I only have this house, and who knows how much I will get for this house this spring when I put it up for sale.

The betrayer, left their wife, (mine did for a bimbo). The betrayer, took money away from his family to give to the OW, (mine did that for a bimbo). Mine still to this day, has nothing to say bad about the bimbo. But like everyone I have talked to, said they will get what they deserve in return.

My pastor, has been telling me, don't worry yourself about this, let him sit in his muck. He will get his return, God saw him during his affair, the sex with the other woman, and deceit and lie towards you and the kids. So I am getting better, but still have anger towards him.

It hurts, that they leave you to defend on so little, and they can sit there and buy expensive gifts for the kids, make a trip to go somewhere with the kids, my X always takes the kids out on the weekend to a movie and dinner. Well, I was not able to put food on the table. But he could fill his mouth. No worry on his part, and no worry that I didn't have fod to put on our table.

Yes, I have anger towards my X. One thing is, there is more compassion coming out. I am starting to feel sorry for my X. He is a controller and opinioned, and I do feel for him. Not that I want to change him, cause he will never change. But I see this man growing old and becoming an old bitter man. What I am not allowing myself to do, is get sucked into his feeling sorry for him, and trying to help him out. No longer am I doing that. I have set my boundaries, according to you good people here.

Christmas has been a difficult season for many of betrayed spouses to deal with. Our X's have their little OW on the side, or in their beds. They have the great amount of money they make. (I know mine does). They can go out and get a job anywhere cause they have been working for so many years. And, like many of us, the betrayed spouse can go shopping this x-mas cause they have the $$$ while we sit here trying to figure out how we are going to pay the bills, and trying to figure out how we are going to put food on the table.

Yes, there is anger, and I feel anger is deserved. But we have to proportion this out with boundaries, so that we don't allow the situations to head to anger. That is what I think most of this is about. BOUNDARIES.

FW -- I think that was excellent. Permission to take time to heal, but a warning that you have to make a conscious decision to move on.

For me, I still get angry, but it's about specific things. Like H saying I wasn't kind. Stupid stuff that I get over. I'm no longer seething over all the things he did that got me to this point. I don't hate him any more.

Plan A is so hard when you HATE a person. LOL.

For me it wasn't a conscious decision. It was a gradual evolution. But, then I was the one who chose divorce over just continuing in Plan A with him getting his own way on everything.

He made his choices, I made mine. I think a healing moment came for me when I realized that what he needed to be happy was exclusive with what I needed to be happy. One of us would always be unhappy.

POJA should protect against that. But, we were just so different. And B. really seemed to need to live his life the way he was. Otherwise, he'd have changed when he realized how it was destroying me. Maybe that's only a story I tell myself to heal. But, it really let the anger go. The judgmentalness go.

CJ,

As a relative newbie here who has just gone through his 1st x-mas, I wanted to thank you for your inspiring post.

I hope to gain strength from your wisdom.

Paul

Great post CJ. You've come so far. The people who were hitting you over the head with the MB 2x4, you know that they meant well, right? ;}

I love that I don't have anger for my ex; not on the holidays, not on a daily basis. He flares up on occasion, but nothing a little band-aid can't fix. How can it be that the days before Christmas in 2000 were the worst in my life, and just three short years later I am free of his burden? Huh. Guess I just had to make a decision to be.

You know CJ - I've always been a bit upset that *they* don't ever really get what's coming to them. But there's another way to look at this too.

Not only do they never really get what they deserve. They really never know and understand what love is all about - so in a way - they really DO get what they deserve, which is a shallow, empty existence where they are always searching for that 'reality' that we've earned and learned the hard way - being real isn't easy - but it's necessary.

There's really an emptiness in the way kids love that kind of person - it's extremely surfactual. Nothing deeper than a surface love - because you can't connect with that kind of person.

Blessings,

Jan

CJ,

Another amen to add to the course of oldies.

Now when I feel anger at my whatever he is I know it is me not him and I deal with it, sometimes it maybe I have a big pity party & just inivite myself others I go do something that I like.

CJ - Thank you for so elegantly stating what has needed to be pointed out to those so willing to weild the MB 2x4 at those hurting and stinging from the on-going antics of the stbx or x.

We all heal at our own rate. If someone had told me to shut her (xOW) out of my mind and ignore her because my husband was not interested in that relationship and was repulsed by her - well; that's all fine and good, except that .... I had not reached the point where I could do that yet. I was not sufficiently secure in my faith in God - she claimed authorization from Him to invade my marriage - so my rage and anger at her had everything to do with my reclaiming my knowledge that God would never EVER give her permission or encouragement to violate a well established and known-to-her boundary. Once my faith was restored, it was a lot easier to do what everyone here encourages us to do - get over it and get on with our lives. Until then, it's a raw wound that even angels tread lightly on. I wish others were as sensitive to that hurt and not get so preachy.

FaithfulWife, words can not begin to say how inspirational and uplifting your post was to me. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your hard learned wisdom with all of us.

sj *trouble* your message too was inspiring and both of you said just what I needed to hear and I have just made a promise to myself to take what I have learned today from the two of you and the rest of the posters who added to this thread and make the decison to let my hurt and anger go and make the rest of my life about "me" and who I want to be.

Thanks again!

Perfect timing of this post.

I must admit I'm doing better this year than 2 years ago. (had daughter last year which really takes the sting out of things) As my daughter is with her mother this year and some of my plans fell through, it has a little hard at first, but then got better.

As far as the WS not getting what's coming to them, it's not true. It will just take far longer than you expect and you will not likely get to see their pain. There is a word for seeing their pain. It's called "schadenfeude". Schadenfeude: A malicious satisfaction in the misfortunes of others.

It will take so long that if you wait, you'll waste a lot of your life. My cheating mother got what was coming to her. A loveless marriage to the OM and a fairly miserable life. My dad was oblivious to it all. We spoke about it after my mother died of cancer. His exact words were "I thought she was happy.".

My outlook was bitter and now it's bittersweet.
I've been able to pursue the things in life that I've wanted to without being judged by a dumb wife. Sorry, she was. Sweet, but dumb. She would remark "you're just so much smarter than me." The epitome of a dumb blonde.

I do get angry at times. These times have gotten farther and farther apart and the anger has gotten less.

At least I can sleep with a clear conscience at night.

Still miffed, but getting better.

I'm hopeful that the sweet days are ahead.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ex Princess Buttercup:
<strong> Great post CJ. You've come so far. The people who were hitting you over the head with the MB 2x4, you know that they meant well, right? ;} </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, most lovely Buttercup, I do remember ducking a few swings from you. I have to be completely honest...at the time I did NOT know that they meant well. At the time, it felt like the only place I could come for some solace had hit me as hard as he did! It was quite shocking and quite hurtful--and frankly, I think that's partially why peachy left (much to my sorrow). However, looking back on it now, I think it was meant like those Hollywood slaps in the face...WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE GIRLFRIEND!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> I love that I don't have anger for my ex; not on the holidays, not on a daily basis. He flares up on occasion, but nothing a little band-aid can't fix. How can it be that the days before Christmas in 2000 were the worst in my life, and just three short years later I am free of his burden? Huh. Guess I just had to make a decision to be. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know what you mean. Four years ago this February, he left the kids and I for his little slut thinking I wouldn't be able to live without him I think. Not only did I LIVE, I found MB and started to grow and see what he was doing. For three years I went crazy trying every which way to save my marriage, and boy was I hurt a lot by his abuse. But you know what?? I don't regret it one bit, because I can look myself in the eye and my kids in the eye and we all KNOW that I did everything that could have been done. I know it deep down. I worked hard! I grew! I got stronger and wiser and more mature and more healthy!

I sure do remember the anger days though. I distinctly remember thinking to myself, "MY GOD!! Where is this vile anger coming from?? It's not like me! I'm not like this, but I am just ENRAGED!!!" I didn't really want to kill him, but to show you some of my black soul, I did want him to hurt as bad as I did. Not too pretty is it??

Oh, well. It's one of the steps of healing. First there's denial: this can't be happening...not to us...not to me...we were going to make it...this is just a nightmare. Then there's bargaining: if I plan A enough, maybe s/he'll come back...we'll be happy again like the old days...I can change...if I change will you love me again? Then there's the anger, and LORDY, it comes in a storm!! For me, it lasted just months and months (but then again, I'm a pretty easy-going, loving kind of gal). Can you imagine months and months of ME angry?? Boy, I sure was!! Finally, you get to the other side of the PIT and reach acceptance and some semblance of forgiveness.

Being in the ANGER place is like wandering in the Forest with the Rats of Enormous Size, isn't it Princess?? heehee <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Sure there are fire swamps everywhere, but look at the bright side: you will have the place completely to yourself!


CJ

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sj *trouble*:
<strong> ...There's really an emptiness in the way kids love that kind of person - it's extremely surfactual. Nothing deeper than a surface love - because you can't connect with that kind of person.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Jan, you said a mouthful.

My exH is taking the kids to Disney World for the week of Christmas Vacation (aka Winter Break). Now, at first I was upset because he doesn't spend time with his own children...lied about his earnings so he wouldn't have to pay for them...won't contribute for stuff like braces, etc... AARRGGHH!! Plus, I'm stretched to the limit and can't even come close to something like DISNEY as a present!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

However, something my YD said made me come to my senses. I told her somewhat how I was feeling (in age appropriate language), and she said, "Mom, don't you get it? He really is a DISNEY DAD now. I'm excited to get to go, but it's sort of sad."

WOW! Out of the mouth of babes, hey? My kids are not toddlers or anything, but I had no idea they could not only see it so clearly, but express it too! My son said, "Mom if you gave us NO presents it would be cool, because you give me my room and let me have my friends over and let me listen to my music--and even listen with me."

I'm proud of them. They get it! They know what love is! It's sad that my exH doesn't, isn't it??


CJ

CJ ---

It's always amazed me how much the kids are actually aware of. My ex is so profoundly NOT HERE - at any time. HE's been such a total NO SHOW that the kids don't even expect him anymore.

There has been no contact with the kids for over a year. It's been two years since he visited the children in person (and I've been told he lives less than 60 miles away).

What I find is sad - is that the kids who have the Disney Dad's learn on some level that it's okay to accept the gift and have no relationship with the giver --- in the very same way that my children (and others who have no contact) learn that it's okay to have no contact with your parent.

It truly is very sad - but the impact that the OTHER PARENT can have on those children is GRAND. I notice on a daily basis the contact that I have with my children and the impact of that constant 'relationship development' as it happens. By learning to forgive and step away from the anger and hurtfulness of that parent who is so distant, my children are learning to be better people. My children are learning that the world doesn't have to be 'perfect' - they can choose right over wrong.

The blessing is - that life happens around us and we are capable of LIVING it. It's a dispensation that the absentee parents never have, never learn, and don't want to know. I'm not talking about the part time mothers/fathers who do what is best for their children and spend their time together wisely and with sensitivity to the childs needs. Those parents are NEVER really absent, they are THERE with the child when the child needs them. But the ones who just don't give enough of a hoot to support their children emotionally or financially just really don't 'get it' ever.

Jan