Hi everyone.. I've recently become familiar with the marriage builder concepts and I'd like to ask for your advice concerning my sitation. I'll try to keep it short.

We've been married for four years. Have gone through some very difficult times.. cancer (me), bankruptcy, foreclosure on our home. We've also had our share of fighting.. but no infidelity.

Now my husband has been offered a job thousands of miles away. It's an excellent opportunity for him. I had a lot of trouble accepting the move, but I finally came to terms with it and agreed to go.

The plan was for him to go ahead of me so he could find us a place to live and get settled in. We planned this would take a few months and I would stay with my mom in the meantime.

A week or so ago, my mother told me she had talked to his mother on the phone and she told my mom how sad she was that we were splitting up, and how sad it was for the children. This was news to me! He also told a coworker that he didn't want me and the kids to move with him. This was so devastating and hurtful because A)he was thinking about divorce and B)he would go behind my back like that. Granted, our marriage has been rather shaky.

When I confronted him on this, he said he didn't know what to do. He said he loved me and didn't want to lose me, but said he was unhappy with the marriage. We decided he would go ahead and move and we'd be seperated and make a decision from there.

After a lot of soul searching, I realized that I REALLY want to make this marriage work. I still love him and he says he loves me. He is scheduled to leave on the 28th. In THREE days.

I read a statistic that stated only 10% of couples who seperate ever reconcile. That terrified me, I don't want that to be us.

I know that this job is an excellent opportunity for him, but I feel like he should his family first. The job market has been bad, but it's getting better and I know he could find a job in Texas.

Am I selfish for wanting him to sacrifice this dream job and make this marriage work? I've been pleading with him all day not to go. Bad move? I'm desperate to keep my family together.

Oh, I'm so sorry!!!
And what a time for it to happen. Hopefully others will be getting on soon.

Here's what I think. I think that if you ask him to stay or take you along with him right away, he'll feel it is a selfish demand and that you don't care what he wants or what's best for him.

I also believe that this kind of settling in is incredibly dangerous.

MB principles work really well over a period of time. And you don't have a lot. So, I'd like to suggest another approach that could dovetail with MB.

Go beg, borrow or buy Lee Raffel's book Should I Stay or Should I Go: How a Controlled Separation can save your marriage.

In this book, separation is used as a negotiating tool. Every little thing about the separation in negotiated between the two spouses, including the legnth of separation, if they will date each other or others, how often they call, the financial support, marriage counseling, and household goods.

It's ideal to work this with a counselor. But, you might be able to do it yourself.

The trick is as you negotitate through the items, you learn negotiating skills, you develop teamwork, and learn about each other. As you each up-hold your end of the deal, trust is able to grow in a controlled way. Now, it is possible he might want a divorce, so the MB principles would still stand: First no Love Busters, next meet neeeds as allowed, Follow the rule of POJA and spend time together. The last two will be the hardest while you're separated, and you can't expect him to follow them. In fact, if I were you (and I'm not) I wouldn't tell him at all about MB until he has mroe faith that your marriage can be glorious and filled with romantic love.

How old are the kids? How old are you two? Do you work as well? This kind of background can be helpful.

Best Luck. Post often.

There's also a book called "Hope for the Separated" by the same author as the author of "The Five Love Languages."

I used it to decide against separation and to find a new MC.

When I read your story, I suspect your H wants to end the M without a lot of histronics. He's made the decision and wants to be far away when you finally realize what has happened.

Is it possible you could move with him? Above all, don't get upset.

Broken arm, that's a good one. Even if he won't let you move into the same house, you could get a little apartment. So that the children can see their father. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

If you are close, you can date each other, meet each other's needs, do a good Plan A. If you are close, he can't just build a new life without you and the children.

I think Dr. Harley should write a letter about people who get new jobs miles away and go to get "settled in." There always at least one person actively posting who has been left behind.

Thank you green and broken, for your thoughts and replies.

Green, I'm 25, he's 30 and our children are 7 and 3. I've been a stay at home mom since my youngest was born, but am now looking for a job. I also plan to go to nursing school.

It's not possible for me to move with him at this point. He'll be staying with his parents for a few months to save up some money.. And there's just no way I can live with them. Thank you for the book suggestion. I'll look for that.

Broken, I don't know how to not get upset. I am so on edge today. I actually considered handcuffing him to something so he couldn't go. LOL I am losing my mind.

I had the same suspicion as you, but after continuous talking to him, I believe when he says he wants to give this marriage another shot. I just don't know how possible it is to work on things when he's far away and our marriage is hanging by a thread as it is.