Insanity is continuing to do what you have always done but hoping for a different outcome.

Faith, Doesn't SNL have his own home?? Why can't the kids go to his house? They are not small children and I'm sure they will understand. You need to get help for this addiction you have for him. That is what it is a addiction. When you talk to him good or bad it is a fix for you. I bet he is on your mind all the time isn't he?

You need to continue counseling for this!!!!

I know you have been told this many times before but that is what we are here for support.

JIll

Jilly, blue, cinderella, baba - He did call to come over, and I asked for what reason. To see my son. I said it was okay. The next step is now, the kids are going to have to go to their dads for just playing games and such. He still is so selfish. One, I did get his file stuff out, and he has by tomorrow to get it to his house. I am not quite done, but he has been informed that he take his file stuff, and he told me by this weekend he will have it. So I put it in one file in the front, and he just takes the manilla folders, not the hanging folders.

I gave him a pile of bills. For he hasn't paid all the medical expenses which he was responsble for. Which is going to be dealt with soon, legally. But he can buy expensive gifts for christmas for the kids, dinner, movies, etc. Like he told me, he is going to have fun with the kids now, and he chooses to do it now.

Dealing with this man, is not a great amount of fun. And actually I don't think about him as much as I used to. I see a sick man, a deranged man. He is so unshaven, hair so filthy and long, the last time our oldest daughter said he looked like bozzo the clown. Cause he doesn't shower enough, his hair has needed a haircut for weeks. He started in on a conversation of personality, learning capacity of humans, animals. He thinks that those who choose to not have children, (married couples) are unhealthy. He stated that all couples want children. And she tried to prove that he was wrong. I tried to say a few comments, but he always directed the question to our daughter, and once never recognized my words, literally ignored me like I was some stupid person. I feel it was deliberate, but hey if that is the way he wants to be, then he is not welcome in my home. Like today, he wanted to play games here, (also he was not invited cause he didn't ask me) got the 3 kids rounded up, and never invited me to play games. That hurt, but now I see the selfishness is so strong in this deranged man. I feel this is deliberate on his part. So if he wants to be mean in this manner, then he will not be welcome here, and he can invite the kids to his mothers house where he lives. He only has a bedroom there, and a room filled with junk that she wants out of the house.

I don't understand this man, I don't understand his selfishness. Once again, I feel he intruded into my home today, and he will be told this tomorrow. I will not make a statement in front of the kids. They are having a hard enough time with the divorce. I state to the kids that your dad wanted the divorce, which he did, and I say he got the divorce after his ballistic actions that injured me. Which is not a lie, it is the honest to goodness truth.

SNL will call and say what does he need to do in the house. There is so much, and I repeat it over and over, and it gets so tiring to repeat the same jobs over and over. But our marriage was like this too. Just like his mother complains to me now that she has to get on his back all the time. Of course he spends so much time on the computer as you all are well aware of. Private e-mails, MB, and chat rooms. Heck that is where he meet his otherwoman, was on Religious boards of IVillage.

I am moving on, and yes, I still think about him, but nearly not as much as I used to. I don't have anyone in my life to take the pain away, to hold me, and tell me that I am a worthwhile person. Therefore, I do have counseling, and my schooling that is SOOO... important. I am talking to someone that does listen to me, but is not a partner by any means. He does listen, and I listen to him. He is well established with his life, and he has a great family. He has goals, and it making his goals little by little. He does get on me too, about SNL and his coming to my house. As well, as my friends in human form that I can touch, and as well as my friends here. I see that XH thinks this is his home, and that he thinks he is welcome anytime. Which he has to realize is going to end. No more, I want him to realize he is on his own and he has to do everything for himself.

I do wish that one day I do find someone special, that tells me that he loves me, and that I can tell him that I love him for HIM. See SNL wanted me to be someone that I am not. I am not a liar. He wanted to cheat stores, and such. I would not do that. He wanted me to take x-mas gifts back that the kids got, and I really got sick and tired of that. I am sure the kids felt something, but I did what my husband wanted me to. And of course, he cashed in my parents hard earned money of my life insurance that they bought me when I was born. There are so many things that I feel he thinks he deserves, and is not aware or feels anything about who got the gifts, the insurance. He doesn't think about the person who gave so much. He only thinks about what he can get out of it. Maybe I am wrong, but more and more, I see the pattern. I see that he is continuing on the same path. The kids have to realize that dad is not included anymore in my plans.

Yes, I am still hurting, and still trying to get my life together. I have made a tremendous move in the files. I chucked so much stuff out of the files. And got his pile in the front of one of the cabinets. If he doesn't get it tomorrow, he will be called, and he better get it now. Cause it is going to be put in a box on the porch. I am so tired of his saying to me, His words to me: why do you have to be this way? Why do you have to make more work for me? Why can't I keep my things in the house? I will pay you rent for the space I use? And when he says this, he will chuckle or laugh a little. That is a sign I feel as insecure and trying to hide the hurt. He doesn't see I need his stuff out of here, I have triggers, and he doesn't have triggers. He even stated that he doesn't understand the triggers that I receive. And doesn't understand what I feel.

I do bring up that this house is going up for sale this spring. I don't want this house anymore. I want something economical and small. And am setting up an appointment with a builder for a small house, an underground home, or a log home. I found a great log builder, and those houses are very economical and very well for harsh weather, and hot weather. They are moving out to manchester this summer. But a guy I know gave me their number and I have talked to them about a small 3 bedroom house. Also, I might start to try building some homes. If I sell this house only. That way, I can make some money when the house is done, and then move on to another house. There is a good parcel of land out towards the west, that I was informed of. Not on the lake, but by a lake. Am going to look into that too. But first I have to sell this place.

Off to bed, church tomorrow. We are suppose to have a lot of snow accumulation tonight, and tomorrow. My youngest son may not have high school Monday. He is not upset about that at all. He is a senior this year, and looking forward to going to college.

Thanks you 4.

Okay you all - I just went downstairs, and XH is on the computer typing a letter. There was a confrontation of my youngest daughter and her dad. My youngest daughter is very angry and upset with everyone here. She is beligerent and mean speaking. XH decides after the kids have gone to their rooms, to type a letter to my youngest daughter on the computer, and probably place it on her bed. What she is expressing in words is not nice to anyone in this family, she is hurting inside, and she is very ANGRY. XH took the vehicle away from her. I assume she is staying at her apartment, her BF is with her. She doesn't answer her cellphone, and BF didn't answer his cell phone. I left a message on BF voicemail, to have my daughter call me. She must have her phone off, no voice mail. My oldest son lives at the apartment too, during the school semester. Their school starts Tuesday, at the University. My oldest son is here and will probably leave Monday to live at the apartment.

Anyways, I go downstairs to see why the lights are on and get ready to lock the deadbolt. XH is on the computer, and I ask what he is doing. He said typing, I could see that. There is no inbetween for him, he is black and white only. He got so angry and went ballistic again. He gets upset that I asked him who he is typing to, cause if it is personal business, he needs to conduct his business at his house. Then he goes into that he owns everything here, and how he gave me everything. He asks what I want. And I said, I want respect. He doesn't see where he has to call to come over. I said, that is what I want respect, and to call me when he comes over. To not ask the kids, to ask me, and if I am not here, he doesn't come over. I warned him tonight, that if this goes on, I will get a PPO. He said, you will do that, and I said if there is no respect, then yes I will.

He goes into no one asks how he feels, no one considers his feelings. I find talking with him that there is no inbetween black and whitle. He said that is the way he is, and you have to deal with him that way. I said, there is give and take, and that is what makes people get along. He uses a word that I don't know the meaning, can't even remember it now. And I said another word thinking that that was what he said. And he said, the word again. And I stated I don't know what it means. And he said, he got the word from the kids. It was ugly.... ugly....! More of how incompetent I am, stupid and I told him, more demeaning me. I said, that was one of the reasons I married you is that you are so intelligent. Then he goes into ask the kids what it means. I said, all you would have to say, is sorry I didn't know you didn't know the meaning, and that is means. etc. That is all he had to do, instead of going into what he did.

Anyways, he said, are you going to let me finish typing this letter to youngest daughter? I said, yes, but now I will have to stay awake, and make sure the door is locked after he leaves.

One thing he doesn't seem to understand is respect and following the rules. I brought it up that I would like him to call me. And he made in a cocky voice, yeah yeah, just do what you say. He said he doesn't like it! He will keep his distance, and keep himself further away. Like that is what I wanted. All I said, is that I would like respect, to call me when he wants to come over, and to be respectful. He keeps saying what is respect. And then he gets this piece of paper, and pencil and in a very mean voice, tell me what I have to do and he would write it down. I said, just get your letter done, and I turned around and came up here.

More of the same stuff I have had to deal with all my marriage. Oh yeah, he said, I never listened to him. NEVER!. I never did anything he wanted. I know this is anger coming out of his voice, and this is once again to show me that this man is ballistic. This man needs counseling. Oh yeah, we talked about counseling, and I am going to see about getting the kids some professional help. Dad has told the kids and me that he doesn't need counseling. And that is one of the reasons the kids have said they will not go to counseling. But this daughter needs it more than ever. I fear for she may do something and that is why I did leave a message on her BF voicemail that I love her, care about her, and do wish to talk to her, and asked BF to have her call me. ANYTIME! I will have my cellphone with me 24/7.

I know the divorce has really upset the kids. XH doesn't see it that way, just thinks everything is alright. I stated somethings to him tonight that he said, and that he said to the kids. He doesn't remember. I do feel, he has blocked much of the ballistic actions he showed to us. For he did talk very angryly to me and the kids during his adulterous affair. And doesn't remember much of it. He doesn't remember how we all were scared and walked on eggshells. How they saw their father yell at them, call them F*cking Kids, and throw things. Yell, and tell everyone to give him space. He said tonight, he didn't tell anyone to give him space. He said, he told me to get off his back. Maybe that is the way it is going to be, he doesn't remember, and I remmber the pain and suffering. For I am suffering everyday with my shoulder and back from one of his ballistic actions.

Well, this week I am going to see if I can get professional help for the family. I will talk to my counselor I see on a regular basis. Once again, tonight, XH did make me scared, he got rude, voice high, and I don't feel I was wrong in asking him what he was doing on the computer. For this is my home, and I told him that I do respect his mothers home (where he has a bedroom). I do call her to tell her I am coming most of the time, or I do ring the doorbell if I happen to be in the area and that I was just over there the other day, to see a gift she got, that she hung on the wall and I rang the doorbell. It did look very nice.

I don't believe I am asking for too much. I just want respect, and I am giving him his space. I don't ask him much anymore. And when he called and I happen to answer the phone, he would ask how things are here, and I would said fine. Cause I realize now, he really doesn't care. He really doesn't listen to my words.

It is sad that it has gone down this far. For this man I used to trust at one time, and LISTEN to him. That was very hurtful for him to say that I never listened to him, for I did most everything he wanted me to. But now, he says I did nothing that he wanted me to. I guess I was a f&cking b*tch the day I married him. But this is a man talking out of anger and showing ballistic actions.

WEll, I am off to bed one more time. Gonna be a hard time sleeping. Worried about my daughter, and worried about my XH. Sometimes, I do feel he is mentally not right. And please, pray that my daughter will be okay. I am so worried about her, and about her actions. I do love her so much, she is a cute little thing, that has been exposed to such anger and ballistic actions. And I know she heard her father call this other woman while they were out there. Cause she asked me, when we got home. And that must of messed with her head too. She is one semester from graduating from the University with an Aeronautical Engineering degree. Lord help my daughter J., keep her safe tonight, and please help her realize that she should get some counseling. Let her know that her mother and father love her, as well as her siblings. Please Lord, watch over her, and please have her come home tomorrow to talk and figure things out. I love her Lord very much. I love you J. Mom.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by bleubelle:
<strong> Insanity is continuing to do what you have always done but hoping for a different outcome. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Eek! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> , just hard for me, a person who respects others to see my XH act so selfish. Realizing now that XH is soooo.... into what is there for him. Also, to see that he is so black and white and no gray (inbetween). A controller, hates rules, hates to follow orders, hates to listen to others opinions, hates to be respectful and much more. I am still praying for XH, and more and more I see that he needs counseling. This man gets angry soooo.... easily. But of course, as many of you know by his writing, he has it all figured out. He has read many books, and knows personalities, socio-paths, etc. I know for a fact, that he thinks I am a socio-path. That is his opinion, but God knows that I am a good person.

Just so hard to talk to him about anything now. He is so opinionated and really doesn't listen to what others have to say. Saddens me to know he is like this, for life is give and take, LISTEN as well as speak, RESPECT and follow rules.

QIUT TALKING TOO HIM!!!! He is just that your Ex-Husband. You no longer have to deal with him or his issues. Maybe if you would break it off totally from him your kids could move on with their lives also. If you continue this game you both are playing you are both going to really mess with these kids minds. Yes you and the kids both need counseling and if I were you I would maybe find a new counselor.

We have advised you 100 times to:

QUIT TALKING TO HIM
QUIT SEEING HIM
QUIT LETTING HIM CALL YOU
QUIT LETTING HIM ENTER YOUR HOME FOR ANY REASON
QUIT GOING TO WHERE HE IS AT
QUIT THINKING ABOUT HIM
QUIT TRYING TO CHANGE THE IDIOT
QUIT RECIEVING HIM IN YOUR HOME
QUIT LETTING HIM EVEN ENTER YOUR FRONT DOOR
QUIT LETTING HIM USE YOUR COMPUTER
QUIT LETTING HIM COME OVER TO SEE THE CHILDREN
QUIT ALL AND EVERY CONTACT WITH HIM FOREVER.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT "CONTACT" WITH ANOTHER PERSON IS? I WILL TELL YOU. CONTACT INCLUDES:

1. Speaking to him if he calls
2. Calling him
3. Speaking to him at your door if he comes over
4. Telling him he can come over if he calls first
5. Going over to another house where he is at
6. Letting him come over to see the kids
7. Letting him anywhere near your home
8. Answering e-mails or letters from him
9. Seeing him at church or elsewhere

If you don't break ALL contact with him you will forever have problems. And we cannot help you. Somehow you do not choose to break contact with this abuser. If I were you I would be so angry at him for ruining my arm that I would NEVER speak to him ever again and would let my lawyer do the sueing.

WHY DO YOU CONTINUE TO MAKE CONTACT WITH YOUR EX?

faith4me,
I had made a promise to myself that I would stay off your threads until I saw some improvements in the way that you handle things. A month ago you were on the verge of changing the locks. That, like so many other affirmations, fell to the wayside. Every time I read your threads, it's more of the same -- snl did this to hurt me, snl did that to hurt me, why does snl hurt me.

faith4me, I truly believe you are a kind, good, and caring person. I also believe that you consider yourself a Christian, but so many things I see in your posts make me wonder. Truly, there ARE times when a rebuke is the appropriate response to someone else's behavior. I hope and pray this will be a lesson you can learn. My purpose in posting today is to let you know that I've been reading your posts for a very long time. I haven't responded to your posts for the reason stated earlier. As dr phil says, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. faith4me, I have seen you stuck in the same place for a very long time. People have been patient, kind, bossy, mean, sympathetic, every response imaginable. I have a reached a point where it is too painful for me to read one more post from you. From this point forward, not only will I refrain from posting on your threads, I will also refrain from reading them altogether. I have every wish for your circumstances to improve, but there comes a point where you have to look in the mirror to see why things are so much the same. I believe you've reached that point, and I can't stand the thought of reading one more post about the evil ways of snl. Yes, he is evil, and you consistently let him in your door. It sickens me. I can't take it anymore. I could have made this decision silently and refrained from posting it. So why am I posting. ....I suppose with the hope that these words, my words, will be the ones that spur you into action. Perhaps to let you know that I *have* been reading your posts but had no words that I thought would be helpful. Perhaps to give myself permission to let go of a story that is painful for me to read. I'm not really sure. Perhaps it's simply a prayer for you, faith4me. I pray for you and now I'm letting go.

The problem here is everyone approaches this issue with the assumption that F4M actually wants her x-H out of her life. I don't believe that for a minute and inviting him to dinner just proves what I've thought for a very long time.

I would bet any amount of money that if her ex-h said tomorrow that he wanted to reconcile that she would say yes in a heartbeat, regardless of the various charges made here painting him as an abusive monster. I personally am having a hard time swallowing all of those too.

I think there's a lot to thise story we don't know and we're all making a bunch of assumptions here based on limited information. I'm not saying her ex-h isn't a jerk or a blowhard but things just aren't adding up anymore.

I'm right now more concerned with the kids. Yes, they are young adults but what is this teaching them? That it's ok to be stepped on and mistreated? You are teaching your son that it is ok to be controling and abusive. You are teaching your daughters that it is ok to be abused and belittled.

Jill,

I used to think this way, too. But not any more. They are all young adults (youngest is 18, I think). Whatever "behaviors" they are going to learn from these two "parents" they have already learned. F4M appears to recieve a form of "abuse" from several of her children already. So the lessons have already been learned. And so it will carry forward to yet another generation. It is all just too sad.

I watched my mother and dad go through a very bitter, hate-filled divorce. My mother never got over her anger and bitterness. I never wanted to "own" that, and Thank God I don't. I am very sad my M has failed, but I realize my fault in it, so I can't harbor a total, or long-standing resentment towards my H. F4M apparently is never going to let go of her resentment. I see the pattern well. I had lived it.

I have to agree with Not-so-Silent....I am done here.

Thankyou all for your help. Things are getting better, but I do know that XH is a controller, and like he tells me all the time, he hates rules, he hates to be told what to do.

I have done some of the changes that you all said. And I actually called today for putting my name in on a job. I am to send them a resume.

As far as the kids go, 16 boy, 20 boy, 21 girl, 25 girl. They are all having a hard time with the divorce, and the 21 year old is having a difficult time.

This home is much smoother when XH is not around. I did ask for respect, and I hope he follows my request. He disconnected years ago with the other woman. I am still disconnecting, and it is coming. As far as if XH asked me back, no, not at this time. Maybe a while ago I would of, but this is one thing that the counselor and I talked about. XH is showing signs of ballistic moods, and I don't want to live with these moods anymore. Yes, he is cheery if things are going his way. But when they don't, he gets upset. Even if he is here watching TV with the kids, and the kids turn the station to someother channel, he gets so hiper. I really don't mind the kids changing the channel, cause there are very few shows that I watch intently. And those that I am really interested in, the channel can be changed, except for the Simpson.

That is where XH and I had disagreements. I didn't want the kids to watch the Simpsons. And they watch it regularly. To me the show is disrespectful to hman kind. But XH wanted to watch it and he let the kids watch it. I would walk out of the room and do something else, when the kids were younger.

I have been working for cash for the last week. Cleaning out a womans house that lives in dirt, mess and filth. Myself and another woman are cleaning and it took me 4 hours just to clean out the refrigerator. So I have gained some money. And a friend as well. The other cleaning woman.

My part in this divorce, is yes, I am having a hard time disconnecting. I am an emotional person and I do love God. What I feel inside is that I should still be the kind person, the loving person I am. God wants us to treat everyone equally or treat them like we ourselves would like to be treated. And therefore some of the acts required to disconnect, really upset me. I did talk with a layman after church Sunday. And my pastor called me today, and we talked. Time is crucial at this time. And I am having a hard time, but with God and prayer I will make it through.

Through all of this, my love for God has grown stronger. I do want to be happy in my life, and I feel God will work with me. I do hope that XH will be happy, and that is something that he will have to conquer with God.

I do post here everyonce in awhile, cause I get so frustrated, and upset. XH is a controller, he gets ballistic when things don't go his way, and he starts on his woe is me whinning. That is something he will have to handle himself. Things are not presented on a silver platter.

Marriage Builders has been beneficial. At one point in time, I was wondering why why why. Why me. I realized in the beginning that we both had our faults. Now I am doing something about my faults, and working with a counselor. Life will get better, and it has taken quite a few years to get better, but it is little baby steps by baby steps.

One thing that XH did ask me the other day. And that is to do all of his filing for him. He said he would pay me. I was totally surprised, cause I asked him months ago, and he said, NO, very rudely. But I think he now realizes that the part of my that likes things organized has a real asset. For my files are almost all in order. I get things done on time. And he is shuffling papers from one pile to another. But I was very surprised that he would even pay me. I guess he asked my oldest daughter if she would do the job, and she said no. I do think that she should of accepted the job, cause she is not making much money as of yet. But it is her loss, and my gain to make some money.

I have made the home all these years organized, tried, and ditched and reorganized to get things in order. XH is very disorganized and can't handle filing or any of that sort of thing. Just not in his skills.

Now I have another guy that wants me to get all his files organized. I did tell him that he has to get a file cabinet, which he has now, and hanging folders and manila folders. I told him about the new color system filing that I read about a few years ago, and I love it. It is so much easier to find things than the old systems.

Things seem to be running a bit smoother now. I still have to go to court with XH. But once agian that is his procrastination. And my schooling starts a week from today. I am looking forward to going to school again. And getting my resume in and finally getting my feet on the ground again.

Well, if you love him so much you would do his filing at no cost to him, why don't you just go down and REMARRY the abusive idiot then. Heck, you are letting him talk to you and letting him in your home and you cannot seem to move on in life or get over him.

JUST RE-MARRY HIM AND CONTINUE TO BE ABUSED!

baba2 - where is the compassion, for the person you spent most of your life with (25years+)? Where is it wrong to do things for your X if he really needs the help, especially if he asks? I don't believe either of us hate each other. I do believe that we both need to find ourselves before we each can move on. I am finding myself, revisiting old friends, meeting new friends, especially the friends at church. I am active in my church. I AM GOING to school. And I am thinking about maybe starting my own business in the future, hopefully very near.

Yes, I don't like the way he controls, the way he throws himself around. I do believe, that he has little self-esteem. And someone who procrastinates as he does, was shown on the News, procrastinates for fear of failure. I do think that XH thinks as himself as a failure. He hasn't accomplished all he would of liked to have done. But he did get a business going, and was successful with it. I on the other hand did very little for myself too. I raised a family, feed a good sized family, raised animals, kept house, did finances, organized. But did very little for myself. Most couples give and give to the kids, till they are burnt out. And then when the couple should be out having a good time together, they are ill, broke, wore out, unhappy with each other, divorced, separated, lonely, and just seeking to find happiness.

I am okay with XH coming over if he CALLS! To get my okay, and if I don't want him over for various reasons, then he should respect my NO! As of now, I am just concentrating on getting this house clean, organized, and pitch things out for garage sales are garbage. I want to downsize, and make my life so much easier. Less to haul around, less to dust, less to clutter the house. Make my life as simple as possible is my goal. Especially, now that I will have to work just to provide a roof over my head, food on the table and pay the bills. I won't have time to look at the nice little things that I have. I won't have time and money to collect much. For my time will be fixing things around the house, doing the lawn (which I have since me married), fixing my own car, entertaining and sitting down and hopefully in front of a fireplace and reading a good book.

The Bible says, treat others like you yourself would like to be treated. Where does it say that I should tell him NO NO NO all the time. If he is being respectful that is good. If he is disrespectful, then I will tell him NO.

Also, the holidays brought much anger in both of us. The holidays were difficult, just as much as last year. My counselor did say that it would be, but I thought I had a better grip on the holidays. She proved me wrong, and I did talk to her about it. Triggers will continuously happen. I have many triggers, and I am sure XH does, maybe he burys them deep inside, and then goes ballistic. Maybe he doesn't have triggers. I do think he does. For emotions are hard to overcome.

Also, for those of you who would like to pray. My mother has a dear friend, Aggie. After my father died, just 2 years ago Friday, this friend Aggie has really helped my mother go through her grieving process. Aggie and her sister, would invite my mother to events at the church, go to movies, and go gambling and out to lunch. This has been really helpful to my mother. I call my mother every other day, and today she didn't answer the phone. Will, she called me back, and this frined of hers, Aggie, is in the hospital with lung cancer. She had a URI, and her daughter took her to emergency for shallow, difficult breathing, and they found a very small tumor on her lung. It is inoperable. So she is starting radiation Friday. The sad thing, is Aggie, buried her youngest son 5 years ago of lung cancer. So I would appreciate any prayers for Aggie, please.

Please be patient with my ups/downs. The whole affair, deceit, lies, untrust has taken precious blood out of my system. Now I am trying to get my life back, and I will have set backs. It is normal as I have been told by all of you and the counselor. And I will have really bad days, just the grieving, growing process. Also, I was not able to grieve for my fathers cancer and death properly. Like Friday, it was my fathers 2 years gone. And I cried a lot, went to the cemetery and sat on the ground and talked to dad. During his illness, I was dealing with XH, his OW, and 2 losses. But little by little I am getting better.

I do appreciate all the help and all the critical remarks. Thank you.

Faith has few boundaries, she has no self-confidence, she can't tell him NO.

She keep letting him into her life.

She is doing the same things over and over and over and over and expecting to get better.

Wake up and smell the coffee.

She has been here for months with the same complaints. And she won't even deal with locks on the doors.

Somebody get her a percolator.

F4M,

Ok, I know you will read this...so take what you wish and ignore the rest.

My ex-husband and I were together for 14 years. Thru all of that time, he beat me. He physically, verbally and emotionally abused me. I stayed and I took it. Kinda felt like I deserved it because I married him. And he did more than just injure my shoulder. He slapped me and punched me in the face...one time so viciously, I was almost unrecognizable. The entire right side of my face was swollen and bruised. I was bruised from the top of my head to my collarbone...inside my mouth and inside my ear. Horrible looking and bruised for almost 2 months. When I was 8 months pregnant with my first son, he threw me on the floor, straddled me and slapped me in the face several times. Then he got up and kicked me in the ribs. 2 weeks later, he kicked me in the leg while wearing steel-toed work boots. I delivered my son with a huge bruise and knot on my leg. (A portion of the knot is still there and it's been 14 years since that happened.) He used to pretend like he was going to shove me down our basement stairs. He used to try and suffocate me. My shoulders ache all the time because he would twist my arms behind my back to "control me and teach me a lesson." He completely destroyed my bathroom door to get in and beat my head off the floor and toilet. He used to punch me in the head because no one could see the knots or bruises. And I could go on and on and on and on....

DO I WANT TO TALK TO HIM?? NO WAY!! DO I WANT TO SEE HIM?? NO WAY!! I SHUDDER WHEN I DO!

If SNL hurt you as much as you say, then someday I hope you get to that part in your life where you don't want to be around him at all.

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

SNL did hurt me, he was very ballistic, like the police told me. He is not normally a physically abusive man. He would pound walls, throw things once in awhile. He would yell, and raise his voice if we didn't follow his words. Physically, he as a child saw his father beat his mother. That is when his mother left with the boys. SNL has had a father that drank (severe alcholic). The father died of his alcoholism. XH has a control problem. I do think he realizes this. I do feel he is seeing that he needs help. If XH does somehting about this, is going to be his future. Otherwise, he will grow up to be a lonely old man. For anyone who he should find in the future, and continues on this path, will not stay. I have been told by his mother, his brother, and my relatives, that they all would of left a long time ago.

I do not want anymore abuse, emotional or verbal anymore. I have set boundaries, that I hang the phone up, or I tell him I don't have to endure this anymore. Physically, I know there won't be anymore abuse, cause he did abuse me out of anger. Also, I was interfering with his other woman and him. He didn't want me around, he basically wanted me dead at that time. I know he wanted me dead, cause he said it once out of anger.

If XH can be respectful, that is good, isn't it? Why should I not allow him to come over if he asks, if he is respectful here, if he conducts himself in a nice manner? When he starts controlling and showing the demanding power. Then I can say to him, I would rather you take this home with you, and then you can come back when you are under control. He wants to see the kids, he is not here to see me. So this gives him time to interact with the kids. Right?

Maybe I am doing wrong, will ask my counselor next week. Just I feel God wants me to be show compassion towards this man. God wants me to be respectful and kind. I want him to treat me like he would want to be treated, respectfully.

Enough for tonight, long day tomorrow. Maybe I am all screwed up, like you all are saying, sometimes the truth hurts, and sometimes it is a wake up call. Give me time to think about what you have all said. Goodnight.

After my ex moved out, he would call and say he wanted to come and see the kids (ages 14, 11 and 6 now). I would let him and ya know what? He spent most of that time arguing with me. He interacted very little with the kids.

Your kids are old enough to go visit him. He has no reason to be at your house. And God doesn't want you to be in the position of being abused verbally, emotionally or physically. He would want you to take care of yourself!

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I agree with Mitzi. He can be nice to you until he has you again where he wants you so he can abuse you. You must be addicted to his cycle of abuse or think you can change him or something.

Whatever it is, if you keep making excuses to let him stay in your life, than it appears that you WANT him back in your life.

So, go all the way with it. Beg him on your knees to come back. (God does not want him back because he does not want his children to suffer abuse.)

So, if you take him back you must be totally blind and going against Gods will. God does not want you to marry and unbeliever so you went against God in marrying him in the first place.

If you don't care about your own life, don't you care about your children you brought in the world? I am sure they "see him for the mean, abuser that he is" and do not want much of a relationship with him. Kids are not stupid. Ask them. They will tell you. Unless they are used to the abuse. Then they will not see it.

But you even talking to him and seeing him is starting on the road to RE-MARRIAGE with him.

Good luck with your re-marriage to this abuser. Can't you date and at least find "another" abuser(or even a nice Godfearing man) to marry rather than continuing to talk to and see this man?. Are you still having sex with him also?