F4M

I rarely post here anymore as I have tried hard to move on with my life and the constant heartache and conflict of divorce on these boards is behind me now as I've been on my own 3 years. I have new conflicts and new heartaches but since I can no longer relate to those freshly hurting I have decided not to post any advice.

However, recently I started back counseling and one of the ways I brought my therapist up to date on my reaction to the divorce was by sharing some of the things I had written to my ex. I came across this letter I wrote about a year after he left home. You know, at first I thought you were crazy for letting your husband continue to invade your space. I simply didn't understand it. Then I found this note and realized that I had been doing the same thing. However, I can look back now and tell you that my true healing began AFTER I set these boundaries. I needed the time to heal and now that I am over the worst and he is remarried to OW, we have come to a peaceful friendly relationship. However, unless I had said the words I wrote and backed them up with my actions, I would still be emotionally attached to him like you are to your ex. I may not be your age or have been married as long as you but I was with my H 17 years. ( 1/2 my life at the time of separation) so I can relate.

I have previously not wanted to post to you because I didn't think I had anything to offer that someone hadn't said and you hadn't ignored. However, when I ran across this letter, my heart said that you needed to hear these words. Maybe it would help you to know that there was a woman that once felt the same things you feel and once allowed herself to be continually taken advantage of.

I hope you get some insight from reading my thoughts as I struggled with your exact same issues. My H did not cause me pain but I have had several surgeries so I do understand the concept of having physical limitations and the depression that can sometimes bring. I will go back to not posting, for my own reasons but I really got an overwhelming feeling that I needed to share the following with you.

Letter to my H, ( about 1 yr 2 months after he left home and 10 months before the divorce was final)

EX H,
Don’t know why I’m doing this because it hasn’t helped in the past. However, I think you need to know where I’m coming from these days. As time goes on and you get more and more comfortable and stable in your new life with your lover and her daughter, I have to stop and think about how this affects me.
First of all, I’ve given up. I absolutely quit. I am not responsible for your happiness or the decisions you make in your life. You are. All I can do is either be supportive of you as my husband or learn to accept things the way they are. Since it is impossible for me to accept your affair, rejection and abandonment in a positive way, my only option is to accept things the way they are, do what I can to stop the pain and move on.
I may have to accept that these are the decisions you have made but I do not have to accept them as influences in my life. I am learning to stand on my own. To love myself. Not because I’m your wife or the kid’s Mom but because I love myself. My happiness has to come from within. I’m not there yet but I have made progress. I know that I can make it without you in my life. I know that I can be a successful businesswoman, take care of my household and raise my children. How do I know this? The pure Grace of God. With God, I can do all things. If you don’t believe me, look it up. Philippians 4:10-13. ‘Nuff said.
For 11 months I’ve tried desperately to hold onto you and to do anything I could to bring us closer. As time moves on and our divorce becomes closer, I have an increasing need to separate myself from you. I do not understand why it is that you want to be in my life on a daily basis. I’ve explained over and over again that it hurts me to see you every day. I’ve begged for your cooperation, tried to avoid you, acted very hateful and ugly towards you, broke down and cried around you, etc. I don’t know what it is going to take to get you out of my life. You are my children’s father but you are no longer my husband. For 11 months now, longer I expect, you’ve been with your other woman and your desire is to be her partner not mine. No matter how much you claim confusion, your actions are very clear and have been from day one. You have no intention of being with me. Sure you want me to be there for you when you need me but I just can’t anymore. I am a giving person but I’ve given all I have to give. I have nothing left. I have no love left. I only feel rejection and anger now. I don’t like being lied to, even if you think you are doing it to protect my feelings. Quite simply and not eloquently…. It sucks!!
I’ve done what I can to remain your friend. I’ve tried to rationalize what you are doing, I’ve made thousands of excuses for your behavior, I’ve defended you to my parents and yours even though I was wrong to trust you. I’ve allowed you to come into my house on a daily basis, even though you made the choice to leave. I offered forgiveness and a safe place to come home to…. No this is not the "me" show. It doesn’t matter what I’ve done. It only matters what I do from this point on. I don’t owe you an explanation but just to prevent any confusion, I’m offering one. We will be divorced within the next couple of months. DIVORCED. The word doesn’t mean best friends, constant companions, lovers, buddies, etc.. It means that what God put together, man has torn apart.
We broke our vows to each other. Yes I said WE. While I never committed adultery, you know I’ve never tried to say you were totally at fault and I have acknowledged my part in our growing apart. However, I was willing to fight for our marriage and you weren’t. I couldn’t make you want to when you first moved out and I can’t make you want to now. I simply need to move on. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. I’m not ready right now for another emotional relationship but I do have needs and one of those is for companionship. I have to break away from my hope in our marriage. There just is no hope left anymore. I hope that you understand why I have to protect my own heart and break free from you. I will always care for you but quite frankly, I don’t have love left to give. It scares me when I hear the words “ I don’t love him anymore”. BUT the truth is the truth. Love takes work. Love is patient and kind and Love also should always trust and should never fail. Our love failed or if not our love, at least the manifestation of it, our marriage, did. Things will die if not watered and tended to. We failed to nurture our love and it died. I can’t make you love me. I don’t want you to love me because you have no other choice. I don’t want to be 2nd to another woman or another lifestyle. I can’t change you. I don’t want to. A friend from high school once told me that I always had a way of making him seem more than what he was. I don’t buy into that theory personally. I loved you for who you were, not who I wanted you to be. All I asked was for you to love me in return but I have to learn to accept that that isn’t going to happen. I have to move on.
In order for me to do that I must start living as if we are divorced. We cannot be best friends, I cannot depend on you for help with my household, I cannot expect you to ever come home, and I cannot love you anymore. To accomplish these things, first I must let you know that you are no longer welcome in my home. At some point in the future, I may be more comfortable but for right now, you and I have no business to do together. I am capable of taking the kids to school and do not need your assistance daily. I understand that my continuing to allow you to essentially make yourself at home each morning has been misleading. As you know, I’ve tried on several other occasions to get you to cooperate with my wishes to stay away or at least outside. Each time, I back down and do not stick to what I’ve planned. I will be changing the locks on the doors this time.
This time is different. It really is too late for us. I no longer feel like I have to maintain a safe place for you to come home to. I do not want you to come home any longer. This is no longer your home. It is my home. You have made a decision about where you want to be and I have accepted it. There is no need for me to open my home to you on a daily basis. There is no reason for you to be in my life on a daily basis. Previously I had been hanging onto every second I could get with you. Now I am finding that I don’t like the person I am when you are around. You make me nervous and self-conscious. When you are around, it makes me say or do things that I would otherwise not say or do. Seeing you every day makes my day start out negatively. I should not feel this way in my own home. You made the decision to shut me out of your life so I’m not making the decision to shut the door back home that I’ve left open with the light on for the past 11 months.
This is very hard. This decision did not come overnight. It is not based on the way I feel one day. This decision has been in the making for 11 months now. I think it is time we live separate lives. Ex-wives do not and should not depend on their ex-husbands for anything other than the children. Where our kids are concerned we need to have discussions and make sure that they are happy, healthy and well adjusted. Everything else simply is either my business or your business. There is no “our business” anymore.
I know this sounds cold but it has been a long time coming and it must be said to avoid any further deterioration of our relationship. For the kid’s sake, we need to get along. For my sake, I need to get along without you in my life. Please try to understand that I am not purposely trying to hurt you. I am just giving you what you want which is a new life, not married to me. At the same time, I’m reclaiming my life and giving myself an opportunity to move on. You have a new life now and I hope you are very happy with the decisions you made. I want to be happy also and right now the only way for me to do that is to accept that you are not part of my everyday life. I can no longer depend on you.
Your wife


F4M, I hope this helps. I did not post this to cause you any additional pain. I can now see that once I did the things I said ( changed the locks, took responsibiity, refused to make excuses for him, etc) that my healing process finally began. I hope yours will too.

peoplepleaser - I don't really know what to say, the letter was very direct and from your heart. If it is okay, I will print this off. I see I have followed the same pattern. Not enabling myself to grow into the wonderful woman that I could be. Thank you. Very much!

Faith...what's up? Saw your other post on GQII. Why are you on GQII? Thought you were here? Your post was really down and you are sad and going on and on about SNL.

You focused totally on him and sounded to me that YOU ARE STILL IN LOVE WITH THE IDIOT.

Just wondering about this. It is wierd somewhat. I am trying to snap you out of this fixation on your x and your stagnation. THE MAN IS HISTORY...HE IS YOUR X...HE IS GONE...ONLY WAY HE WILL DO ANYTHING IS IF IT IS IN THE PAPERS OR IF JUDGE MAKES HIM.

He doesn't do things as a husband anymore. It is out of legal duty ok? Get that. Does my xh get weepy when he writes me a meager check? hellno.

Does my x do anything without personal gain or belief he will gain something? No.

You can soak in the tub and feel bad and get weepy and angry at the man but I want you to keep on keeping on. Wish you could see hypnotherapist or something to forget the man exists.

So I am going to ask you to repeat three times...
My x is my x.
SNL is NO longer a part of my life.
If I am to be happy, I have to DECIDE TO BE.

Please start and decide to be happy now. It's a choice. We choose to be miserable to to pick up the pieces and move on. Personally, I think any man or woman like that has to be miserable so leave him to his own personal hell and move on. Focus on you. Be a little foggy for a change. REad the diet book and work on a new you in this new year. Study, do good in school. Meet new friends. Change your hairstyle. Do something that makes you happy and makes you feel good.

FAITH YOU ARE NO LONGER A SLAVE TO YOUR XH. JUST AS I AM NO MORE THE SLAVE TO MINE. MY XH HAS A NEW SLAVEGIRL NOW. Poor little indentured servant. My heart goes out to her.

Peachy - I wondered where that post went, just too tired to try and find it. I was down and out, just my finances are soo... poor. Body feels pain, and can't be in one position too long. Yeah, SNL, and you know who he is. Makes good money, darn good money, and I am feeding and paying for the electric and gas and everything here for 5 of us, and he only has to do for himself. Does that sound like a wayward spouse to you, yep.

I do enjoy going to school. Just I worry about my finances, and been having a hard time with the government and my medicaid. SEe, SNL doesn't have to worry about medicaid, and all the crap that the government gives to us guinea pigs. Been to FIA agency about my medicaid yesterday, and my social service worker was out with the flu. Have another appointment next Tuesday. And I still have the pain in my shoulder plus loss of movement cause of pain. Part of the downness, is the cold weather we have, our driveway is shoveled out, we did it, kids and I. SNL called here to have son come over and do his and grandmas house where SNL lives.

Yes, Peachy I will make it, just been a very hard week, with worry about surgery and pain in shoulder, and pain in my back. I am tired of the pain, been with it for 2 years.

I saw my GYN today, and she was really glad to see me, and we talked. I will stay on anti-depressants for probably another year. Am going to go on meds, for the hotflashes I have. Went off of them this past summer, and I do think I need to go back on them for about a year. She said, I have been through so much, and still dealing with so much, that I don't need this added side effect. The meds are very low. She said, I need to lose weight, and we discussed diets and avenues to take. I am not that overweight, just when I was thin during SNL's affair with the fat OW, I lost weight and felt really good. But I was not healthy at that point, cause I was hardly eating, just couldn't, knowing what my husband did with the OW, and how he was ballistic with me.

Yes I am tired, and so drained this month. I can't seem to get energy up to do much, but I just crawl along, and hope that something will give me energy. I talked to gyn about it today, and it is depression. She asked me to tell her everything, and I did. She stayed with me for about 40 minutes, which is not usual. Then we prayed, and she gave me a big hug. She wants me to call her next month to talk to her. So I will.

You sound so good Peachy. I want to be where you are one day. Yep, your X's OW will find out soon that she has herself in a real fix. The wayward spouse sees only what they want to see. I know, my X does the same.

I will one day be where you are. Moving ahead, and having a good job, and I have gained new friends through the church, and I have other new friends. I do need to get a new haircut, just wanting to wait till I lose the weight, and then a brand new style for me, something light and airy and fluffy. Easy to take care of too. I will have my wedding ring melted down, and made into a new ring. Talked to my cousin, and she said, when I am ready, she works for a jeweler that makes his own jewelry, he will help me design something unique.

School is going to be hard this semester. Didn't realize the one class is going to be a lot of research. Just down in the dumps, but not for long I hope. I do get out of them, but sometimes it takes awhile.

X did come over today, while I was gone. More of his control in what he is going to do, and no one is going to tell him to do it. The wayward spouse speaks again.

Thanks for your support. You keep moving forward hon, you are such a wonderful woman.