My kids are expected home today. The last time X had them he dropped them off at 10.30am Sunday morning, without checking if I was even home, or if it was okay. So I wrote him an email telling him that from now on I was not available until the official drop off time of 6pm Sunday night. I got no reply. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

So he has had the kids from the 22nd, and I have missed them so much. This morning I get a call from my SON telling me that daddy said if it was alright with me they could come home early today. I asked him who brought up the idea of coming home early and son said everyone. Hmmmm.

Now I have plans for today. I have a friend who had surgery yesterday and she needs to be picked up from the hospital at some point, and looked after, and I have some shopping to do. I usually go to church, and I was planning a few last minute things....I explained this to a very disappointed son. I suddenly saw red, because suddenly I am the BAD one cos I am not ready for the kids to come home until their appointed time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

X knows that if HE had made the call there was no way I would say yes; I made it clear that I would not be available until 6pm. So he got the son to do it, thinking that might make me give in. What a piece of work <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> . USING the kids to set up this whole thing.

So I asked to speak to daddy...I said I have plans today, and I thought I had made it clear that I didn't want the kids to be dropped off before time. He starts saying that he thought I would be missing them <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> (his try at manipulating me) and then tells me they miss me - another try, and I started saying not to discuss drop off times with the kids at ALL before checking with me, cos it made me look like the bad guy if I said no (of which I am sure he is aware). He then asked what time I wanted them home......grrrrrrrrr I made it crystal CLEAR that it was to be as the papers state, 6pm. HE drew that up, not me, I agreed to it, and so far he has brought them home early every single time.

So then he starts telling me about his long drive home....I said it was no longer negotiable because bringing them home last time at 10.30am was the last straw. He hung up.

He didn't like me telling him that I had boundaries, and that I was not changing them. What sort of a message do the kids get from all of this. If they don't see me as the baddie, they will be seeing their daddy trying to get rid of them early!!! No doubt without a word, he has conveyed the message to the kids that I don't want them. So when they get home, I am going to explain this to them as gently as I can, and as tactfully as I can, too. Because I refuse to be the one who looks bad here. I won't be making HIM look bad, but I am telling them the truth. HE wanted to bring them home early; this I KNOW without a doubt.

I am so angry at his fog induced deafness and his selfishness!

End of vent; thanks for listening.

Love and light,

Jacky

Jacky I sympathize with your situation as my ex recently put me in the same spot as yours did. Our divorce papers state that we have to alternate spending Christmas with our children, (2 are over 18 now and he has had no contact with either of them in almost 2 years) and we also have an 11 year old.

He had him last Christmas and it was the first Christmas I had ever spent without him, and add to that was the fact that only 3 days before then my 2nd husband had told me he wasn't in love with me anymore and wanted a divorce and I found out he was cheating on me. Do I need to say just how miserable that Christmas was???

Anyway my xh knows that I don't get home from work until 5:30 plus he does have my cell phone number. But he called about 4:00 and told my son that he wanted him to come spend Christmas in Indiana with him and to ask Mom if he could.

I was furious... one because he even had the nerve to ask since he knew this was my year to have him but even more so that he asked my son instead of me. But then I know he did it because he knew it would make me look bad if I said no.

I explained to my son that I understood that he missed his father and wanted to see him, but that our divorce papers stated we had to take turns and that since his father had him last year that this was my turn. I also in a non-judmental way (which was hard...lol) explained to my son that his father was supposed to get him on the 26th and that he could go visit him then.

I then called my xh and told him exactly what I thought. I also told him that he had better never try and make visitation arrangements with anyone other than me again. I then reinterated to him that his Christmas visitation started on the 26th to which he told me he wouldn't be able to see him then so that if I refused to let him come for Christmas that our son wouldn't get to see him at all.

His guilt trip didn't work. I am used to the way he plays these little games and I calmly informed him that I was sorry but that this was my year and that I was not giving it up just because he had chosen to move out of state and not make plans to see his son during the time he knew he could.

But my son still suffered because of it all. Not only was he made to feel torn between the two of us but since his father was mad at me... he didn't even bother calling him on Christmas nor sending him anything either. My son hasn't mentioned it but I know it has to hurt.

By the way our other two children got absolutely nothing either. What a man huh? And he wonders why I left him. 6 years later he still hasn't got a clue!!!!

Jacky,

I'm sorry your going through this---and yes, your ex was WRONG in having your son call--

When talking to your kids tonite--

Let them know that you missed them very much and your sorry you couldn't be home because you had already made a promise to someone else to be there for them--and they know how important it is they want you to keep your promises to them--

You can also sit down and explain to them about friendships--about how even though they love mommy very much, they like going off and doing things with their friends without MOM around, playing and doing all that fun stuff--and that you also enjoy doing things with your friends when you get the chance--and so when they are with their daddy that's what you do--as you know how important it is that you be there when they are home--

I know when I explained this to my kids--they became less anxious--and didn't feel bad when I let them know I had plans--they know I still love and miss them while they are gone--and they began asking me before they left--do you have plans for such and such a day in case "we" want to come home early? and if I don't--I tell them--just call me the night before and make sure things haven't changed--

<small>[ December 28, 2003, 08:09 AM: Message edited by: ThornedRose ]</small>

Thanks TR, that is just about what I did say to them. And they accepted that really well. The first thing they asked was how our friend was (I have a friend in hospital and was/am transporting her kids there).

They have come home rather subdued, but happy to be here. They complained of dad's different rules, etc, but that is to be expected.

Love and light,

Jacky