Please help me through this nightmare! (this will be a long story....) My H of 20 yrs has been having a PA since 10/02. I immediately started Plan A in January (when he returned home and said A ended) and I did an excellent job! October 03 he confessed he never did leave OW like he promised me in January and wanted a divorce because he's IN LOVE WITH OW and not in love with me anymore... hasn't been for 10 years now (yeh right)! He said he was just "faking" everything (affection, sex, recreation, romance, family time w/daughters) for the past 10+ months, he never wanted to be with me or his girls. I immediately started a MODIFIED Plan B, he moved out to his own apartment and I filed the Divorce papers... I let him go even though my heart told me not to (he refused to say he loved me, was cruel, ignorant, selfish and most hurtful to our teen daughters - he didn't want anything to do with his family, only the OW was priority in his life now! - he abandoned us for 7 weeks, totally no contact)

Fast forward to December 20th.... Decided to take my daughters back home to MI where my family and friends could support us. (H didn't care if we stayed by him - he actually encouraged us to leave the state!) I asked H to spend a few hours with our daughters the night before we left. He took them to dinner, went shopping for Xmas presents and brought them home at 8:30pm. As my H and I are outside on our driveway saying our goodbyes after a 24 yr relationship, a black car drives up and stops in front of my home. I asked H if he knew this person? No he replied (another lie).... then the window comes down and suddenly, the OW says: HI HONEY, ARE YOU ALMOST DONE, YOU'RE LATE FOR OUR DATE !!! (my opinion, she was watching us together on the driveway and was jealous and decided to make a "scene") H goes over to the car and talks to her, like I never existed and she refused to leave! I attempted to keep my cool but it didn't work. I went over to the car and immediately started yelling at her! Yes, I was in a rage, I do not deny this.... She told me that my H confessed that I never loved him in all of our 24 years together, that I never tried to rebuild our marriage the past 10+ months, that I treated my H poorly... that his kids don't even want him! (bunch of crap!!) Well, I set her straight and told her the truth; how we were rebuilding our marriage the past 10+ months and the progress we made (H denied everything I told her to protect himself).... she didn't believe me and my H tried to shut me up! I felt she had to hear all the truth! - As the shouting became louder, she jumped out of her car (even after I told her to get back into her car or there would be trouble) and we started a physical fight. H stepped between us and thats when I put my fist into H's left jaw and left temple, and continued to slap him! (it was 13+ months of pure hurt and anger inside me) - OW tried to protect him, but didn't work. She jumps into her car and I jumped through the passenger window and grabbed her head and started hitting her. Next thing I remember is my H and friend grabbing me and lifting me out of the car. Then H raises his fist to my face and my friend steps in and saves me from H punching me.

The ENDING: H and OW drive off in their own vehicles. I am left sobbing, in shock, in a rage, with my daughters witnessing the whole horrible scene. I am not a violent person, but the lies, the horrible words both H and OW said to me AGAIN that night... I couldn't take anymore, I had enough of their bull***! I kissed his [censored] for 13+ months, I put aside my own needs, emotional and physical, and then to be treated this way? - The OW knew we were leaving town the next morning... why did she show up and ruin everything? H and I had minimal communication w/regards to the girls and we were settling our divorce agreement. After 24 yrs, I leave with a very heavy, sad and hurt heart... my daughters and I have lost a father, a husband and now leave with terrible memories. The pain on my daughters faces as we walked through our house one last time, the ride to the airport, and the plane taking off for the last time was extremely devasting, overwhelming... we now still sit in shock and wonder how do we go on? I have so much hatred for this man its unbelievable. I could NEVER RECONCILE.... NEVER..... I do not feel I could even be friends with him again. He completely devastated me, his girls and our family. Its too much to bear right now. Please help me through this painful journey. How do I help my daughters through this nightmare? (we are in counseling still) My H never even attempted to make the OW leave our home that night and sided with her until the very end. I was a loving, devoted wife who took care of him; I guess it wasn't enough? My life is shattered right now.... I guess only time can heal this awful mess. I'm not able to co-parent with this man now... not possible after the way he treated me and his girls. Personally, I do not want to see him or speak with him for a very long, long time. Should I stay "dark" right now? or have minimal contact w/regards to the girls only if necessary? Thanks for listening.... any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Victorialynn

VL, How old are your girls? Can they call their father without your help? If so, I say no contact. If he wants to reach you, he can go through your lawyer.

I say this because you MUST protect yourself and your children from the kind of indignities that went on that night. Obviously, you were pushed far, but you did not exactly handle the situation with grace and poise. In fact, it sounds like you were darn lucky someone yanked you out of the car before you hurt OW and she filed criminal and civil charges. And you were lucky your friend prevented you from getting knocked out by your STBX.

Also you need time to heal. And having OW thrown in your face won't contribute much healing.

Hold tight to the thought that you will heal. You will be better than ever. And when you are ready, you may find a nice man. My mother got remarried at 54. An woman I knew kept on having boyfriends until she died at age 77.

And you won't be alone. You have the best of all -- your two girls.

Just make sure you get a killer lawyer. If your lawyer is nice, fire him and find another. You need to protect your assets and your children's wellbeing.

Does this help at all???

Hi Victorialynn,

Oh my.What a story.I am so sorry to hear about it and even more so that your poor daughters had to witness something like that.I can certainly understand the rage you had but it was definitely NOT the right way to handle the situation.If your WH was a big jerk,he could have called the police on you or the OW could have as well.PLEASE think about that if you ever are near either one of them again.It is extremely important to keep your dignity and cool when confronted like that.You come across as the pyscho and then that fuels their fire to be together more.See?

Now,having said that,if you are going to leave to stay in MI then that is actually a good time to let things simmer down between you and WH and clear your head.No one can make any decisions in an enraged or emotional state.So for now,take care of those girls and talk to them about how you handled the situation and how wrong it was.

Talk to them about their feelings.They need you very much right now and need to know that mom is going to be STABLE and take care of them.With their father gone,they will need to know that SOMEONE will be there for them and help them.They are probably very frightened about what happened.They need a lot of reassurance.

When you get settled into your folks home or wherever you are staying,you need to take some time and think about what happened and what exactly you want.Do not attempt to make any rash decisions about anything.Take a lot of time for yourself before attempting to talk with WH about what happened,and you will need to do that at some point if there is to be any chance at all of some kind of recovery.I know right now you don't want to think about anything regarding WH but just take some time to cool off and come back here and post more when you can.We will be here to support you.

October

yep, horrible, but upside is no one hurt, no charges filed, and you did clear the air some. Look it victoria, so you lapsed into some primal behaviour, ill-advised behaviour for sure....but with serious provocation, it's ok, you are normal, no harm done. Important thing is to sort this all out for yourself, what happened, why, learn from it (make yourself more resistant to button pushing). Use this as a learning experience for your daughters, express regret at your behaviour, and point out how it could have had a really bad outcome. Teach them to resist provocation (by walking away if possible before you cross over the edge). And use this as an opportunity to talk more about what happened with your marriage, and the future. In short put this event to good use....and as you noted, time will work it's healing as well.

Re your H, and his behaviour...well, he is true to form, and it isn't just the ow fault, he also behaved poorly in this incident. Obviously he is not to be trusted at all, and probably your best bet is a strong plan b, dark... Judging by the ow poor behaviour, their days are numbered as well...no doubt sooner or later he will be knocking at your door, make sure you have processed all this, and know what you want before that day arrives. The usual advice applies too victoria...focus on yourself, think positive, and look forward, you will be ok.

I am responding to you from a perspective that I have been in a similar rage, just not with OW. I had just horrible thoughts that I didn't know where they were coming from. This was before I learned WH was having an A, just that he was being pursued and didn't seem to understand how much it hurt me that he would talk with her because "it would be rude of me to hang up."

I knew I needed help and so I went to therapy, and the therapist, over time, got me to realize that I do not have control over his actions. I need to see what track he is on, not get him on the right track, and then decide what to do about the track he is on.

Over the years, I got less and less from him and put up with more and more abuse. I even accepted and forgave a broken arm because we were talking about OW. I didn't think he was having an A.

When the A came to light, I think I came close to a nervous breakdown. I had put up with so much for the sake of our M that I at least expected him to be faithful.

The reason why I am telling you this is that what you said in your thread is that you kissed his a... trying to make the M work. You didn't look at your needs. That, I think, is the basis of your rage. You were trying so hard to save your M and meet his needs that you didn't look at your own.

When I told my story of the broken arm and the affair to a salesperson at a cosmetics counter, she said something which stuck in my mind as very wise advice, "If my H had an affair, I'd step back and see what he does. If he broke my arm, I'd be done with him."

You have two issues -- abuse and affair -- just like I do. He may not have been abusive, but you sure have. And he had an affair.

I think that the key thing to look at is that you didn't get your needs met, hence your rage that you tried so hard to save your M. You had a commitment to M but no care for this man who had hurt you so much. Care comes not from sacrifice but from giving and receiving. When you only give, give, give, you become resentful.

Be grateful that you will be out of state. I would agree that NC is best. Focus on your daughters. He abandoned them, too. They need you.

I made the same mistake as you, thinking that the more I sacrificed, the more likely the M would survive. What I didn't realize is that my care for WH was bankrupt because of how I allowed him to treat me. I was responsible for allowing this to continue. I was responsible.

<small>[ December 28, 2003, 09:40 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

Thank you for all your support and advice! Yes, I know I handled this in an extremely poor and inappropriate manner. So far, no charges have been filed against me... hoping nothing comes of it... Do I regret my actions? Yes and No.... Yes, because I do not believe in physical violence and have never hit my H or my children, EVER! I feel absolutely terrible that our marriage ended (especially after I tried so hard to make our marriage work) and our parting was physical violence instead of parting as friends. I was provoked by the OW and I did try to remain calm at first, but it just didn't work. The hurt and anger over the past 13+ months was too much to bear. I let it all "go" completely, and yes, lost control. I will have to remember that always but I will also remember how my H handled this situation as well - guess we both failed. - AND... No, I don't regret it also because I feel that the OW was trying to shove in my face that she "won" my husband but in my heart, I know she didn't (why else would she have shown up at my house?) I told her what type of woman I was, loving, kind, faithful and yes, I did love my husband for 24 years! I did not destroy 2 beautiful daughters nor did I help shatter a family and marriage. I don't regret this 100% only because I feel that she came to start trouble at my home and I finished it off - something neither the Ow or my H expected from me. I was the "nice wife" for the past 13+ months while they "played" right in front of my face only that night, I wasn't so nice afterall. They saw the deep hurt, anger and pain that I was feeling for the past 13+ months, not to mention the hurt, pain and anger my daughters were also suffering.

My daughters are 14 and 16 yrs. old. - They don't want to see their father and refuse to be in contact with their father unless he leaves the OW, which is unlikely at this time. Once again, I always encourage my D's to have a relationship with their father but due to the violence they witnessed, they feel its best not to be involved with their dad at this time. They want to see him prove his LOVE TO THEM ONCE AGAIN, which I feel is a fair request and emotional need.

Do you think I should write a letter of apology to my husband? My therapist said not to dwell on it, but to learn from the experience. Yes, it was wrong, but IT HAPPENED and I can't change it. All (3) of us contributed to this mess... I was pushed too far and unfortunately, things happen beyond our control. Also, a comment my brother made: the punches and slaps to my H's face hurt him, humilated him in front of the OW, BUT those punches didn't hurt him nearly as much as his EMOTIONAL ABUSE HURT ME AND MY DAUGHTERS and will continue for years to come. I just feel awful about the whole thing.

I still believe he owes ME A DEEP APOLOGY for all the cruelness, anger, the affair, hurt, pain, suffering and the financial and emotional devastation he has caused me and my daughters. How dare he! But doubt I will ever hear an apology from him, ever.

I realize I may have pushed him closer to the OW... honestly, I do not want this man back in my life. Too much damage done to me and my daughters. They (my d's) have also stated they do not want their father back in their lives on a full time basis. He is a completely changed man and not someone they would want to be around any longer. Despite what happened, I still do pray each day that the fog is lifted and he becomes a decent father to his children once again.
Victorialynn

BS (me) 40
WS (H) 41
PA 10/02
confession: Jan 03
Plan A through October 7th 03
Plan B, October 8th 2003
Divorce w/be final: March 04

**I am a survivor... and always will be!***

I just want to say I'm sorry for what happened, but I do understand and don't blame you for lashing out at him. Stay strong, as for the letter, you dont need to, he doesnt deserve it, but if it your make you feel better, write it out, look at it over and over and burn it, it helped me release some anger, just a thought. Than again, i had quite a nice bon fire that nite too, everything she ever gave me that was burnable.

ABSOLUTELY DO NOT WRITE ANY KIND OF APOLOGY LETTER!!!

No verbal or written admission that you had any part in this incident that can be used against you for as long as the statute of limitations allows charges to be filed against you by him or her.

Absolutely you should not apologize. Not that I condone beating up the OW but hey she provoked it. She came to your house and picked the fight.
Now it's time to work on your new life with your daughters. Don't be a victim anymore. Hold your head up and look to the future because there is a future. There are many here who can attest to that.

Keep us updated.

Jill

Victoria,

I agree with Jill, NO apology! There is no excuse but at the same time girl she provoked you big time and your husband didn't help matters. My sister did something similar. A very non-violent person all her life but when the OW approached her she lost it. I just thank God all she had was a grocery cart to ram her with instead of a car!

Your thread made me teary eyed for you and your girls. He does not deserve you or his family. Move on. You will survive this and I hope you stick to never going back to the idiot.

Anna

Victoria,

You did a bad thing, but my question is did you do it well? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Seriously, I know women view physical responses to threats differently than men, but I think you should not dwell on this aspect of your parting. You got to say what you wanted to OW. You got to show both of them, the rage that was within you. No one got hurt. All's well that ends well, and I think you may not realize it yet, but you got to purge some serious anger. Let it go now.

As for your D's they are old enough to decide if they want contact with their father. Right now they don't, they have been seriously hurt. You may not realize this but your H's rejection of you is NOT as devastating as his rejection of them. He is their father, their blood/kin. You are only married to him until the divorce is final. Perhaps in future years they may change their mind, let them if it comes to that, but now don't force anything on them except: studying, good nutrition, and a healthy outlook on life.

I know you realize part of this, and I realize your H is clueless about these things, so let that go as well.

I don't recall who gave you the advice, but do get a really good lawyer, they don't cost much more than a bad one and they can make sure your rights and those of your D's are protected. Your H is not to be trusted.

Finally, an observation. From what you have said the OW did "win". She won the "booby" prize. Seriously, step back and ask yourself: "if you met a man with the traits displayed by your H, would you want him as a friend? A lover? A partner for life?"

I didn't think so? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Victoria, settle into your new life, enjoy your daughters growing up to be women, and make sure you teach them to love as you did. Let the hate go, your strong suit is clearly love. Leave the hate for those that are best at being hateful.

I suspect that your future is far brighter than you think. So put a smile on your face, enjoy your family and your children and IF you go to the gym (stay away from the punching bag. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

Seriously, your response was normal, and from my perspective probably did you a lot of good. Just don't make a habit of it.

Hang in there life will get better.

God Bless,

JL

<small>[ December 29, 2003, 07:19 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

Have you read all of the MB plans? This is called Plan J - "jump through the window, grab OW and punch her" - it usually does get your point across. But seriously, don't blame yourself. You were pushed to the limit.This will all settle down. Move on with your life - you now know you've given it all you've got.

Originally posted by victorialynn:

Do you think I should write a letter of apology to my husband?

HECK NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

You might want to spend time with your girls and apologize to THEM for losing your cool in front of them ... but...


... you don't owe the snake that bites you an apology after you kick it away from you!

Stay strong.

Pep