ok, its been awhile since I posted anything, so here is goes. I guess I need to give some background first. 1st marriage, married young, had our problems but still was young. Lived in SD, after 3 yrs, marriage getting bad, starting to fail, we tried to work on it, ending up with her coming hame to visit family in SC while preg with girl, she started affair with old friend, and came back with it still going. I had 1 week fling while she was gone, I fessed up first thing. She denied and even denied after note and phone calls found. All came out in open, girl born, she wouldnt stop calling him, 3 months after girl born, she left and came home to SC. 3 months later she living with OM. I knew and we ended it.
I met and remarried even after warning from new wifes family. Came back to SC, School for me and then to VA. We had more problems then previous marriage. 4 yrs = 3 kids, trying hard to make it work, internet chat cause hurt on both sides, but no physical affairs. All blew up mid 2002, I gave in and we move to her family in OR, lived at her g-mothers for 5 months, got a job for me and moved us out in 11/02. Thought all was getting better, noticed her cell usage and internet chat start getting bad, started watching, back to online affairs and other things. 1st week in 01/03, she takes kids, goes to shelter and tells them and family I beat her, beat kids, accuses sex abuse and child porn. Her family tells her she lieing, she admits the lies and came home. 3 week I spend bending over backward and still trying her to use this website (been trying for over a year), she admits to never loving me, never had, dispises me, 5 years of lies from her, she says fine, i win, she leaves me and kids for online man in CA she known for 4 weeks. I lose job cause of dealing with lawyer and child care. (just a note here, 1st ex calls me many, many times and offers her ear and her condolences and if i needed anything, just let her know, i didnt even pick it up) She has no contact for 5 weeks, not even on twins B-day. Forces divorce, freely gives me sole custody, child support, etc. 1 week after div final, she calls, says sorry, wants to come home, I give in, 2nd chance, go get her, she lives with her brother, 2 months later, she say she doesnt want to make it work, leaves again for WA to live with boyfriend. Calls kids evey 3rd weekend. Job market sucks, (still does). I move back to SC to my family, Living with my family but getting ready to finally get back out on my own. Ex calls from WA every other week, nothing else offered. All family agrees kids are 2000% better without her, and she agreed at one time too.

Ok, now thats over. My new thing is that with me being back intown with my first ex, i have lots of time with my older kids, 1st ex still living with same guy, but never married him (he still married and refuses to try to div) and have a son. We have ended up talking many times and it has come to pass that "we" ussally now come up as topic. She never wanted to marry him, has always regretted us divorcing, been making plans to get away from him, (kinda physical and preparing for fight for son), and also admiting to still loving me. I have noticed that I do still have strong feelings for her, even though we both had spent a couple years hating each other for our stupidity I guess,(we had our problems and things over the first 2-3 years too, her fussing about money if I'm a day late, using kids to get her way but over past 2 years and really since all that happened with the 2nd ex) you can tell she has changed and grown up, and is really thinking hard about us maybe giving it a shot. If I would have stayed in OR, she was gonna call and maybe move up. Maybe I'm just overthinking this, i'm positive alot of feelings are still there, and a chance to have the older 2 back all the time is wonderful and I'll admit, we never even tried to give it a second chance. Both ex's hated each other with a passion too, but I have see her talk to and play with my younger three and you can tell she cares. We have dicussed alot and gone over all the reasons, admitted to being stupid and all that stuff. What you all think, it just seems really weird but maybe its just me. I have always believed things happen for a reason. Thanks

If someone is looking for a new relationship, who says that it can't be a new relationship with an old partner. It sounds to me like it would be new for both of you. I also think that you "Learned your lesson" so to speak so that you don't make any foolish mistakes based on your children alone. Any relationship between you and first x would have to be for you and her as well.
I recomend that you be cautious of OM. Do you know what kind of feelings she really has for him. They have a history together now as well. I would think that you would have to almost treat it as an A to make sure the 2 of you could get by it.

I have one word of advice - COUNSELING - if you plan on considering renewing a relationship with this woman.

Remember, she's shacking up with a man. She is planning on leaving him. You may just be an easy way out.

Don't let yourself get suckered in!

What do you see in this woman that is admirable? She left you for another man. She is toying with leaving him - with you as her parachute.

RED FLAGS all around.

I don't think it is all that weird, but then again, I have a commitment to marriage that kept me with a man who beat me up.

When you married this first wife, you made a commitment that you would be with her until death do you part. Well, she didn't die, and you didn't die. The second time you made that commitment, didn't it seem a little hollow?

I agree that she may be viewing you as a parachute. You would have a difficult time. Between the two of you, you have three different combinations of biological parents: 2 children that are both of yours, 3 that are yours but not hers, and 1 that is hers but not yours. If you combined households, 5 would be in your household and 1 would need to be negotiated with OM. I guess that the first thing that would need to be discussed is no direct contact between OM and her, ever, no matter what. You wouldn't want to risk a return. If 2nd wife is out of the picture, that is good, too.

<small>[ December 30, 2003, 02:05 AM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

Thank you all very much. I have planned on inquiring on what feelings she has for him, if any already. I do agree that I don't want to be a parachute and I plan on making that known. As for the other Ex, she lives somewhere on the other coast and calls the 3 younger kids about every weekend or two and talks for max, 2 minutes each. I know for a fact that there will never be anything again between me and 2nd ex. Her family has disowned her for what she has done to me and the kids. I might fogive her oneday, but I will never forget.

I also agree witht the no direct contact, its always easier to "fall back" even with someone you don't want to be with, don't know why though. As for the part of her leaving me for another man, she did try to come backa nd end it with him, but I had already giving up and moved on, so I never gave her the chance. Being in the area she is at, I know it was easier for her to just stay with him after I refused to try again. I'm not saying it is or was wrong, and I deffinatly do not want to be the parachute or saviour or anything like that. She was a Bi*** after we divorced and a sucky mom, I will agree, but she was good while we were married and you can tell she has grown up some. I don't know, I guess this is why I said scary and wierd. Thank you again and if you think of anything else, please let me know, I'll be keeping you all informed.

You know, after I reread that post, I was like, geesh, it sounds like I'm fighting for her. I just wanted to say that I really have no idea which way to go. Just started thinking about this a few days ago, after it came up in a talk. She has her bad and good points and I have to figure out which way the scale tips. I do know I don't want to just settle, already did that a few times. My life has been for the kids now and I know I will do anything for them, even if it makes me put my social life or whatever on the back burner. Thanks again all,

STOP JUMPING from relationship to relationship. . .

you don't yet know what you want in life, so be a parent and worry about a permanent relationship later, like in ten years, when you have figured out life and yourself. ..

wiftty