Many bad things have happened in our life together this past year, ending with my daughter being admitted to Hospital. My W told me that she wanted me out of the house; that she felt that I controlled everything; and that she had lost her love for me. That was back in Sept. I did not find this website until three weeks and learned about how love is lost. I followed others' (bad) advice and stayed in the house until she filed for divorce in mid Nov. At that time, I learned that we were in debt. She managed all our finances. I have been out of the house now since Dec 1. We have three children. My problems were exactly those detailed in the Articles and books from Dr. Harley. I have sought therapy and spiritual healing to correct my major problems. My W is still not interested in talking. She is incongruent. She can be pleasant but does not seem to want to do anything at all about our relationship. I am seeking ideas and thougts.

I really don't have any advice too give you, but know that you must seek God first. My x-wife seems very angry at me. I do my best not to harbor any bad feelings her way. I struggle with this the most and I am still waiting on the Lord to solve my marriage problems.

Do you know why it is she is so angry towards you?
And why she would place a lot of the blame on you?

Besides </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> that she felt that I controlled everything; and that she had lost her love for me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There's got to be more to it then just that.

I agree clearly with the first responder and that is what I did first, i.e., tried to seek healing spiritually, by attending a men's retreat, reading the book (Wild at Heart) and many others, and trying to understand what happened to my W. I am not clear why she is so mad, except that our relationship was exactly like those Dr. Harley describes in Why women leave me. I was supported by her in my job. She told me many times that as long as I was happy, she was happy. As I now try to understand the issues, (I have found Harriet Lerner's "The Dance of Connection" very helpful), she built up so much emotional energy that she switched from being totally ok with the situation to wanting me vaporized. Clearly, until I sought help spiritually, I probably could not have heard her. But now I would do anything, so that we could talk. But I have not hurt her physically; I have not hurt the children; I have not had an affair. I bring home a lot of money, in comparison to others. She does not have a job independent of being a mother and wife. She also participated in our problems with communication, by allowing me only certain roles in the family. Two other factors that I believe helped energize her anger against me were money and our daughter's illness. She ran the books and horribly overspent everything. We never developed a rational manner of handling money. She had problems earlier and I felt had learned. She never owned up to the problem until the divorce came out. She used up a fund that we had established for my first child's college tuition and was unable to pay for this past Fall's semester. (Which we have subsequently done by borrowing more.) She spent most of the last two years, hiding the problems with our finances. Always saying yes to me and then trying to hide things. (And she does not believe this problem has anything to do with her anger at me.) (Despite eliminating this fund and not paying for the tuition, she claims that she loves my daughter (I feel she is not congruent-her actions belie her stated feelings.)) Finally, the illness our first daughter developed was an eating disorder. My W's prime objective is taking care of her children (not her marriage and not herself). If you read about that type of illness, our family structure was perfect for it. Both parents have a role to play, but in most writers minds, the mother is the most important player. So I feel she had immense quilt and confusion when my daughter became ill and needed a scapegoat.

To Confused and Time Heals,

I have some thoughts I'd like to share, but don't have time right now.

But if you can, purchase the below books. These books are really good-- insightful, practical, and great:

http://www.crosslifebooks.com/bookpages/HowToSave.htm

http://cave3.r5i.com/cgi-bin/catalogmgr/198081019178030075/browse/item/60314/28/0/0

Also, see www.restorem.org and www.rejoiceministries.org

As much as you are able to, humble yoursleves and be willing to accept "blame" for whatever complaints your wives have. It's not easy. I was told during my marriage to "eat crow." A friend would say, "Just eat crow right now." Too often though, my pride would get me and I'd be blaming him and defending myself. All that does it cause more arguing, defensiveness, etc. on both sides. When I did "eat crow" though and I'd say, "Yes, you are right, I am selfish" etc... it ALWAYS softened my husband's heart and then he'd be saying, "No, you are not that bad. I am just angry" and he'd then look at himself and his wrongs. But EVERY time I blamed or defended me, it only pushed him away and made him feel like I was not listening to him and his complaints. And really, he was right.


Try not to say, "But I'm not THAT bad." Even if what you are doing to hurt her seems very minor to you (esp. compared to other problems like men beating wives), try to hear her and realize that even if it's minor to you, it's big to her. You see things differently and it's important to validate her feelings, even if you can't understand them or agree with them.

God bless, and there is hope for your marriages!

I appreciate your response. I am not good at saying always I am sorry. I tend to be pretty bullheaded. I am often saying, "yes, but". I hear you and will continue to try to stay focused. I bought early on the Wheat short book and another one, title similar to Before saying the bad goodbye. I have read Smalley's Blessing which I found very useful. I will try to find his other book. The web sites look interesting.