After 10 years of marriage, my husband wants to separate. He says he needs space from me and our constant arguing and incompatibility. We went to a counselor for about 3 or 4 sessions and then he said we didn't need to go anymore. He believes that we don't need a third party for us to communicate or if we do, then there is something wrong with our relationship. It is my thought that many couples don't communicate well, especially after not filling those love tanks. I welcome someone to help us communicate better, but I think he is ready to hang up the towel.
I am so full of despair and don't want my marriage to end. When do you know that it just won't work? How do I know if I should just let go? We have a 10 year old boy and I'm scared of destroying his life too.

You are in a good place - READ the information on this site and keep learning you will find it very helpful in making a decision!

Sorry you are in this place - but MB is a good place to be while you are struggling.

Blessings,

Jan

nid - first, don't let go any time soon. Take advantage of all the good info on this site. Sugest your H come here, too.

Secondly, are you sure an affair isn't in progress?

He swears there is no one else. I think I believe him. I've suggested he look at this site, but he won't. I've tried to get him to read the book, The Five Love Languages, with me but he always is too busy or doesn't believe it will help. This morning he told me he cares about me and doesn't want to hurt me, but he doesn't love me anymore.
I'm so full of despair. . . I thought things were getting better for us, but I started feeling he was seeing someone else and began to question him and snoop around, etc. and that's when he brought up separating. I feel for my son, he is so worried about me and senses my pain. I try to hide it from him, but he knows. I don't want his whole world to come tumbling down. I feel like my son is the only reason I don't crawl in a hole and hide. He needs me and I won't let him down. But I feel like my insides are being torn apart. I can't eat, I can't sleep. . .and my H seems so indifferent to it all.

nid,

I'm sorry you are hurting. But, the replies you have gotten are giving good advice. Read everything you can on this site. If possible, buy the books Love Busters and His Needs, Her Needs. There is one other book that I really thought was good called 'How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together by Susan Page. Outside that, read Harley's advice. Start by taking the tour of the site and learning the principals of MB. Since your husband is still there, things are not as bad as they could be. Hang in there and give him space while you learn.
Something I learned here the hard way was that any instinct you follow right now will almost definitely be wrong! So read, read, read.

Good luck and don't even think about giving up yet. There is certainly hope.

But he's not open to reading anything and doesn't want to try fixing this. He says he wants to separate and figure out what he wants to do. I feel like I'm dying inside. . . he's so cold and indifferent. I believe there is something worth saving. He doesn't. Do I just stop trying to fight for this marriage and let him go? Please help me.............

Hi, I am Kim in Ohio, I am going thru the same thing accept, My husband walked away from the Lord and me toward the end of October.
I know, by the Bible, and By God, We are in a Holy Covenant Marriage and I plan on getting my marriage back and no devil in hell is gonna stop MY GOD from restoring my marriage... IN JESUS NAME

nid,

I have two thoughts:

First, I'm sorry to have to tell you, but people do not usually want to separate just to "find themselves" or get away--it's usually because they have feelings for someone else. It may not be a physical affair (PA) yet, but I'll bet you he's at least having an emotional affair (EA) with some other women (OW). Sorry to tell ya, darlin' but it's the truth.

Second, may I suggest something that might be more "guy-friendly" than therapy or marriage counseling? Would he consider coaching?? See, counseling and therapy delve into your past and your deeper issues, and can sometimes take years. To a guy, this often seems like it'll never end and is very unproductive. Often when there's a problem, a guy wants a solution NOW. Coaching, on the other hand (OTOH) is more immediate and deals with identifying the problem NOW and itemizing steps to fixing the immediate problem. For instance, in your marriage your H may say: "She never does anything with me anymore!" so the problem is identified as lack of companionship. The steps to solving that problem are 1) making time to be together, 2) finding one thing you both enjoy doing, and 3) scheduling and doing it...often.

An excellent coach I could recommend is Penny Tupy. Her website is www.saveyourmarriage.com and she often posts here on MarriageBuilders as "Cerri". She offers email coaching, phone coaching, and in-person for those in her area. So it's an option that might work better than traditional counseling.

My final thought for you, nid, would be to remember that you can not make him do anything or want to save this marriage. He MAY be bound and determined to end it. BUT, even if you do separate, and even if he does have a PA, that does not mean an automatic divorce, so don't give up. Okay??


CJ

<small>[ January 03, 2004, 06:53 PM: Message edited by: FaithfulWife ]</small>

Thank you everyone for your advice, it helps me not to feel so alone.

As for my H having an EA, he may. I discovered this summer emails and IMs from this woman. They were both venting about their spouses and marriages, but there seemed to be something more. There were comments made that were inappropriate, like, "I need to see you're smile really bad." I asked him to stop and he claims he has, but how can I be sure?

My sister advised me to stop all the pleading to stay with me and let him have his space. So since yesterday I stopped arguing with him about why he should stay and stopped asking him to read this and that. It seems to have helped some. He doesn't seem so angry anymore. He is going out of town for 3 wks so I'll see what his feelings are when he gets back. Do you think I'm doing the right thing?

Thank you everyone for your advice, it helps me not to feel so alone.

As for my H having an EA, he may. I discovered this summer emails and IMs from this woman. They were both venting about their spouses and marriages, but there seemed to be something more. There were comments made that were inappropriate, like, "I need to see you're smile really bad." I asked him to stop and he claims he has, but how can I be sure?

My sister advised me to stop all the pleading to stay with me and let him have his space. So since yesterday I stopped arguing with him about why he should stay and stopped asking him to read this and that. It seems to have helped some. He doesn't seem so angry anymore. He is going out of town for 3 wks so I'll see what his feelings are when he gets back. Do you think I'm doing the right thing?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by nid:
<strong>They were both venting about their spouses and marriages, but there seemed to be something more. There were comments made that were inappropriate, like, "I need to see you're smile really bad." I asked him to stop and he claims he has, but how can I be sure?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm very sorry, nid. This is all the confirmation you need of an ongoing affair.

Of course he claims he has stopped. But he hasn't, he's just doing a better job at concealing it.

Disclaimer: I could be 100% wrong. I hope you get other opinions. But we've seen it here so many times that I'll risk getting you upset.

Do you know the e-mail woman? Know anything about her? We can conclude she's married. This is good for you - ultimately you'll want to inform her husband so he can shed more light on it.

Before doing anything else, get hot reading about Plan A in the infidelity info on this site. Start reading in "Just Found Out", "Plan A/B" and "General Questions II". There is more affair-specific information available there. Also, read the post linked in my sig line and all the embedded posts.

worthatry,
Those are my worst fears, that he is still having an EA, at least. I find that when I confront or question him about anything, it makes matters worse. How can I find out for sure? If I'm wrong and he finds out I still doubt him, I'm afraid it will push him farther away. I just want to save my marriage. I'm just going to give him the space he needs and see if he reconsiders. What do you think?

Oh, and yes I know her. She is in a troubled marriage and has 3 little boys. I cannot imagine talking to her husband! What if I am wrong?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by paul16801:
<strong>Read Harley's advice. Start by taking the tour of the site and learning the principals of MB. Since your husband is still there, things are not as bad as they could be. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">nid,

This is good advice. MB is a very good resource if you want to try and save your marriage. Standard marriage counseling (as you've seen) is often a losing proposition.

You need to read up on Plan A and start working on it every day. Keep in mind that Plan A is not about your husband. It is not about getting him to go to counseling, or even about trying to get him to read some book...though that would help.

Plan A is about you.

Whether there is an affair or not, and even if your marriage does not survive, you will be better off after following the advice on this site. At the very worst, it may help you through a divorce, as it did for me. At the best, it may save your marriage.

Now as to your question...when do you let go?

When you are ready.

I know...lousy answer! Personally, I wasn't ready to let go when I got the "I think maybe we shouldn't be married anymore" speech.

I wasn't ready to let go when I found out about the affair.

I thought I was ready to let go when a judge took all of 90 seconds to wipe out our marriage, but I wasn't.

In fact, I let go so slowly, so unconciously, that I didn't realize I'd finally let go until a couple of years after the divorce.

It takes a long time to let go of something like a marriage, especially if it ain't over yet!

nid - follow what cjack recommended. Absorb everything you can on this site. Secondly, start a new post on GQ II to get more heads involved regarding the potential affair. You are no where near divorcing, so your issues should not be on this board.

Your first task will be to rule-out or confirm the affair. All things point to an eventual confirmation, but you need help in figuring out how to do that. For starters, I recommend you just keep your eyes and ears open, look for suspicious phone numbers on cell phone bills, look for more e-mails, try to spot ANYTHING that suggests deception. Don't ask your H about something without some pretty good evidence. Accusations without evidence will cause the reactions you're worried about - further withdrawal from you.

So, please start a new post on GQ II - asking for advice on how to confirm an affair. Provide all the background info you provided here. You will get help.

WAT

Keep yoursef together for your son. As far as advice read the info on this site. Your husband is not going to want to come back to wife that is a mess. Take care of yourself, have a good atitude and don't let him think you are so troubled with his departure. If the divorce goes through get a lawyer and do what is right for your son. Do not use your son a bargaining chip. Do what is right for your son!

I hope this helps.