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#762995 01/01/04 08:32 AM
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Hello all. I've been here before but on the just found out forum last year when my H said he didn't love me anymore.

I've been trying so hard and even changed myself to try to make him love me. I've been so depressed for a year now begging him to make it work. Now he told me that he can't do this anymore. We have to get a D he says and now I'm so depressed and angry at the same time. We have a 2 yr old son and if I didn't I would of killed myself today. I know that is not a good thing and I would never just because I love my son too much.

I'm just so sad. I feel like I want to rip my head off and like I'm screaming and no one can hear me. I just want to sleep and not wake up but I know I have too so I can take care of my child.

I just want to die right now.

#762996 01/01/04 09:04 AM
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Depressed,

I understand how you feel and we're here to listen. When my H first told me he was filing for divorce it was very hard, but always remember your child. He needs YOU and YOU are a good person. I was told by someone once, that you cannot control other people. It's a hard concept to accept, at least it was for me, but once I did I found it a little easier to try to let go of my H. I say this saying to myself whenever things are not working out the way I would like them to.

I am still very sad at the outcome of our 19 year marriage, but with the support of friends, this board and others I am able to cope and even accept what is happening.

When I feel very sad, I find it helpful to hold my youngest son - children have a way of helping you through a tough time just by being there.

Please talk to someone, either a friend or keep posting to get you through this very sad time. I'm here listening. . . . ..

#762997 01/01/04 10:16 AM
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I understand.

It's a death.
You remember what you had, you think about the dreams you had with him, and you don't want to let go.

Just like yesterday.

You are worthy of being loved.

My heart breaks for you.

Just like yesterday.

He is not worth ending your life for.
He is an ungrateful jerk sweetie.

Just like yesterday.

I remember being so angry.
I remember feeling so hurt and disapointed.
What a let down.

I don't know your circumstances.
It doesn't really matter does it?

Open your heart and pray.
It's all you can do right now.

I will be praying for you.

I remember this place you are in.

Just like yesterday.

You will rise above.
Suddenly, it will get better.

It's a death.
Mourn.
Cry.
Feel disapointment.

You have to go through this to come out on the other side.

You will sweetheart.
You will.

Look for the open window.

Mine was realizing loving someone, who didn't love me was selling myself short.

You will be better.
You will be better than you have ever been.

Just like yesterday.

I can't tell you the happiness I have now.
I've never been this happy.

It's truley amazing.

Hold on.
You will be happy too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />


Aly

#762998 01/01/04 02:01 PM
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I know this is not the way you wanted to start 2004. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Do you have family or close friends nearby, who you can vent to, cry with, etc.? Of course, you can do that here at MB but it is very releasing to have a "real" support team with you in person.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I've been so depressed for a year now begging him to make it work. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did you try the tools available on this site (Plan A & B)? Begging will usually only drive your spouse away. Have you seen a doctor or counselor at all, especially for your depression? Has your husband done anything to work on your marriage? Has there been infidelity?

I realize these questions may have been answered in your previous posts, but since we aren't that familiar with you in this particular forum, I thought I'd ask, to get a little background so we can help stand with you.

#762999 01/01/04 02:51 PM
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Well it's the New Year. Time to take care of you. Go see a doctor for some meds. Start making yourself do something nice for you. I made myself walk, get out with friends, cleaned the house sparkling, organized, painted, joined women's support group.

You've spent a year trying to change yourself. Now it is time to take care of yourself. Be good to yourself, comfort yourself. Put H on the back burner for awhile, and concentrate on YOU.

I promise you things do get better.

#763000 01/01/04 05:06 PM
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Thank you all for responding. I'm still feeling very sad. I didn't sleep all night.

I know the begging drove my H away. He got up this morning, showered , and said bye. I told him to take our son because we were away for Christmas and he hadn't spent much time with him. He got him dressed and said It's not that I can't stand both of you it's just you.

I did call my mother last night and cried but nothing anyone says right now can make me feel better. I'm just so sad. H told me today he's going his own way. I believe him. I know I have to let go but it's wierd that my brain tells me what I should do but something in my heart just keeps holding on. I don't have friends out here where we live so I can't talk to anyone. All this is so much for me to take.

I know I need help and when I find the strength to call I will. Right now I'm just gonna take some Nyquil and make me sleep some more. Again thanks everyone who responded.

#763001 01/02/04 09:29 AM
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d#1234

I replied to your question about USH on GQII.

I'm sorry for your trouble...I understand though.

My WW and I sat down to figure out our divorce settlemnt this past Tuesday...

This really sux.

E

<small>[ January 02, 2004, 08:30 AM: Message edited by: Elad ]</small>

#763002 01/02/04 06:39 PM
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I know what you're going through. My husband wants to separate after 10 years of marriage. My son is my strength, my hope. He is 10 and its hurting him to see me go through this. It is pretty sad when your little boy has to hold you and tell you, "Its okay mama".

I sent him away this weekend to be with his cousins so he doesn't have to see us argue and see me lock myself in my room to cry. Its hard to hide the the pain I'm in from him but I try. Just know that your little boy needs you more than anyone. Be there for him and he'll help you get through this.

My son has been gone for only two hours and now I'm crying again. I wish he were here.
My only advice to you is hold your son and love him. Be with him. He will ease your pain.

This morning my husband told me he cares about what happens to me and doesn't want to see me get hurt, but he just doesn't love me anymore. Later when I called my sister she told me that I deserve to be with someone who loves me. So do you.

I will pray for you. Be strong.

#763003 01/02/04 11:05 PM
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Elad,

I haven't got to check GII but I will tonight. I was just curious how she's doing.

Yes, it is very hard. I knew it was going to happen but now that it is happening it seems so fast although our problems have been lingering for a year. I just kept on holding on to someone that is screaming to be free. I know about your situation because I've always checked on USH off and on and I think what you, we are doing is for the best.

I know you've been going through this alot longer than I have but I believe you are doing the right thing. It's easier to tell someone that though when you are not them. I hope you have a different type of year this year and that you find yourself in a happy place mind, body, and soul. Thank you for replying.

Nid,

I agree my son too is what keeps me going. I've been crying and laying in bed for the past three days and today I reached out for help from family and friends and I found some strength to get out of the house and visit two friends. I found it helpful.

I'm also sorry that your going through the same thing. It's like theres this pain in your chest that won't go away. I just hope that this rollercoaster ride were both on ends as soon as it possibly can.

I'm going to see a doctor on Monday to get some help and try to get some counseling. I'll be praying for you that god help you and I through this incredibly painful situation that were both in. Take care and I will try to do the same.

#763004 01/03/04 09:22 AM
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Add me to the list also. My husband is in the Navy and we live in an off base apartment. While I was gone to my parents for Christmas with our 4 year old son, he packed his stuff up and moved back into the barracks on base, just like he said he was. He said that he doesn't love me but cares for me and that he has been trying for 2 years or longer and cannot make himself love me, he says he has tried everything, but yet he still wants to have sex with me, I just can't bring myself to do that knowing that he doesn't love me. This hurts so bad, last night I couldn't sleep. We've been married for almost 5 years and its hard to believe some of the mean things that he says to me. He said he says those things to me to try to make me hate him where all of this won't be so hard on me. He said he needs time to think and make sure that this is what he wants. I love him and probably always will. He comes from a family of broken homes, so why should I not think history will repeat itself? He said we have grown apart and that we were too young when we got married and had our son. I believe that to be a lie, just because you were young doesn't mean things cannot work out. He said that he would go and talk to the chaplain on base but he said don't expect anything. Deep down in me, I know that I deserve someone that will love me like I love them, but I'm just scared, my husband is all I've known, I really don't have an identity of my own, it is like in my eyes we are as one person. He said that he needs this space to find his own identity. He says he has been unhappy and just can't find happiness with me. This makes me feel very inadequate. I feel that I am a good mother and I try to make my husband happy, but sometimes no matter what you do it won't make a difference. He says that it is not me, that I am an excellent mother and a really good person with a good heart, but that it is him and the way he feels, says he can't change the way that he feels. So for myself, I am going to start to take our son to church and get busy around the house. Also I'm about to start my last symester in college and I will graduate in May, so at least I have that to look forward to, but he will probably ruin that for me also. I hope that all gets better for you, just remember that alot of us here are in the same situation and that you are not alone at all.

#763005 01/03/04 08:08 PM
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Angielt,

Wow are we living the same life. When I was reading this I thought to myself did my H go on and write this stuff, but there was a little bit of a difference in our story so I'm convinced that it's not him.

Yeah he told me the same thing too he cares about me and just can't find happiness with me and blah blah blah. My H is also in the military. Not the navy though the airforce.

I also feel inadequate like something is wrong with me. People tell me its him but you know no matter how many people tell you it just doesn't quite convince you.

I think you guys still have a chance though. He left and said that he wants to make sure he is doing the right thing. It's not over yet. I know its still hard. That's what my H has been doing the past year and now he finally decided. I'm glad your H is going to see the base chaplain. That is something my H never considered just like MC so since your H is interested in getting help why don't you guys both get some counseling and see if that helps. I begged my H to do so but he's made his mind up that no one can bring back the love for me.

This is a hard time for me and I know for you as well and I hope that things turn out different for you. Take care

#763006 01/03/04 08:29 PM
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Depressed 1234: Hang in there. Reading through this board has helped me too! You are certainly not alone here. Three years ago when my husband had the affair, our son and I had were visitng with my mother for about 2 1/2 months since she was diagnosed with cancer. When I returned my husband seemed very distant. I confronted him one day and just with a gut feeling asked him if he was having an affair. He told me yes. I asked him if he loved her and he said yes to that as well. He packed his bags that evening and stayed at his mother's house. He never would tell me anything about her or the situation. We went to a counselor and during our visits we had found out that she was pregnant. My husband had made very poor choices during that time (I consider), like being in the delivery room with her. He told me that he was only there for the baby (lie number 1000). She had given him my husband's first name as the baby's middle name, as well as our last name. Mind you, I'm the one that is married to him. Anyway, my job (I have always been the breadwinner) moved used 5 1/2 hours away. I gave him the choice that he could stay or leave. I tried to work through this, even though all this time he called me unsupportive. My husband is not a very good communicator and my gut feeling again told me that he was not being honest with me. Everytime I would question him or inquire about his child (since I knew he was communicating with her, "about the chid"), he would get very irritated with me. Recently he went down to visit his mother, without my son or I, and upon his return I found a video tape of where he had was at the child's birthday party with "her" and with "her" and the child at a local amusement park. When I confronted him about the video I found, he said that he wanted to share it with me and it wasn't what I thought it was. My son and I went down to visit my husband's mother and I told her that if he came down here again without me I was going to ask him to leave becasue I knew something was wrong. Well, my husband told me that he was going to go down to visit his mother for Thanksgiving. I told him that I had the week after Christmas off and we could go down as a family. He told me that he didn't care what I did but those were his plans. I told him to leave, which is exactly what he did. He did not contact us until 3 weeks later saying that he wanted to see "our son." Like Iwas going to let that happen. Through endless hours on the computer and looking at his credit card bills, I see that he has moved in with her. I spoke with him only one time since then and just asked him why? He is response to me was "because you gave me an ultimatum and I didn't like it." And when I asked him why he was living with her, "because I had no where else to go" His mother lives in that area and several friends. I've also looked up past cellphone bills and cannot believe how many times he has called her at her home or on her cellphone. I'm sick to death. I don't see how I can resolve this, nor do I know that that is the thing to do, based on what he's done so far. He's done nothing but lie to me.

This evening I sat down with my 7-year-old and explained to him, as best I could, what was happening and how it happened. Hang on to your little, they know more than we think they do and we need to be here for them. Look at it this way, your son is your gift to some other woman in this world- teach him what is right.

#763007 01/03/04 09:49 PM
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Depressed#1234

I really hope that my husband does go and see the base chaplain, but I don't give it much hope, he changes his mind so quickly from issue to issue. I don't think any of our husbands really realize how a divorce is going to affect lifes. I hate to see my little 4 year old hurt by all of this. I grew up in a good home with both parents, and my parents are still married, I wanted the same for our son, but doesn't look like that will happen. H hasn't even called today. He would rather spend the day with friends in the Navy than to try to work on our relationship or to at least spend time with our son. I don't see why he can't try to find happiness with me. I'm not a bad person, I always try to find the good in people, and I'm not hard to get along with. I really don't think he even loves himself, because he said that he didn't know what love was and that he didn't know how to love. I suggested that maybe we could start dating and just start over and he said "we'll see," which I know what that means, he is just saying that to try to make me feel better. I know that I can't force him to be with me, I just didn't really see this coming, we've had our problems just nothing this bad. It will be another long night, hopefully I can just fall asleep, I might as well accept things like they are for now though, or I will not be able to function for our son, you know someone has to be the responsible adult, even though I don't think I will make it sometimes.. Keep us posted with what happens and I will do the same.

#763008 01/05/04 12:01 AM
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hi,

I hope you're feeling better. You know, just before I read your reply to me, I had been noticing this pain in my chest. I also notice I keep having to take these really deep breaths. I guess its from all the crying. I feel like I've cried a river. My sister advised me to quit begging him to stay and quit offering him things to read against divorce, so I have stopped. I am going about my business and trying not to show him how desperately sad I am. It seems to be having a better effect on him. He is going out of town for 3 wks and I told him when he gets back to let me know what he wants to do, I'm done pleading. We haven't argued since and he's even been pleasant to be around. I only pray that when he comes back he chooses to stay and work on our marriage. But I'm done trying to force him.

I know I will feel better with time, its my son that I worry about. He needs us both, he has no siblings, we are his whole world. . .

God Bless

#763009 01/06/04 02:20 PM
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Oh honey, Elad emailed me this morning and told me you were posting on D/D. I'm sorry I haven't been around.

My divorce was final on December 24th and it was an incredibly sad day, but I do feel hopeful.

Obviously, I don't know you except through this forum, but I just want you to know that there is hope and you will make it through this no matter how down you feel. You have a beautiful son. You have your family/your mom. You're in the process of getting your nursing degree.

I won't kid you and say that it's easy, but you can start over without him. I don't necessarily think a divorce is going to be the final answer for you and your H -- but I do think you should tell him to proceed if that's what he wants. You can't control other people.

So many others have posted great advice to you. I don't have much to add at this point other than to tell you that you can be strong if you lean on others. We are all here for you. I will check in more regularly now to see how you are doing. You can make it. You can do it. I spent three years of my life in this mess and I can tell you that now that the divorce is final I feel a sense of peace and relief and removal from the rollercoaster of emotions. I still have days where I hope this is all a bad dream, but more days than that I see the possibility of a new life without my ex-H.

I am sending you as much love and strength as I can imagine you'll need. The advice about hugging your son is really the best thing I can echo here -- children really are an innocent source of pure love at a time like this.

Best -- USH

#763010 01/07/04 05:24 AM
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WOW.. so familiar.. I am now where u are... My wife tells me she doesn't love me but is trying. I know she is in her way but I feel so lonely and our little girl is the only thing that keeps me going. I am trying all that I can following the book and the site wishing she would do the same HOPEING she will agree to getting HELP!Like one person already said this is like a death! With us it was cheating... She had a affair, MY FAULT I DIDN'T MEET HER NEEDS! NOW she says she just isn't happy with me and not in love with me. I know your pain darlin.

<small>[ January 12, 2004, 06:59 PM: Message edited by: Chipper ]</small>

#763011 01/07/04 11:42 PM
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I am praying for all of you, never give up ( my user name) because since me and my husband started having problems I have read so many things about people realizing what they have done and come back in months and sometimes years later. I have not been hurt as bad, my husband don't know what he needs, you figure that out!? Just pray, everday, just pray and forgive. Sounds easy and it is, it is just the waiting part that's hard. There hasn't been infidelity in my marriage and he hasn't left us or said cruel things to me, he's a great father, terrific provider and a great husband. But I am hurt by his sudden decision in our marriage and being blamed for childish things that happened years ago. I do believe in prayer though, I know God is healing my marriage and I will never give up. It isn't easy to continue living in the same house, to hear him tell your children their loved ( what about me?) I want to be told also! The kisses and just being together. It hurts so bad when you realize how simple something like that can make a person feel. Keep the faith and I will pray for everyone of you.

#763012 01/10/04 01:52 AM
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Thanks to all of u for your support. I won't be having a computer soon because this is one of the few things he said he will be taking. So by the 14th I will not have access to this forum but I wish everyone's prayers get answered some way or another.

My H is moving out on the 15th and I'm on my own. Financially, emotionally, etc etc etc. H told me that he wasn't gonna help me pay for the mortgage cuzz if I want the house then I should pay for it or just sell it. I just finished nursing school and was waiting for my results from my state board exam so I was unemployed for several months because CA takes for ever to authorize graduates to test.

Anyways so I got a job the next day. Not a full time but they're trying and oh my god I got my results yesterday. I passed so now I'm an LPN. I really want to just not work and just go to school but my marriage problems over the last year took a toll on my mind. I think I've lost it.

I also tried to get help and get antidepressants to help cheer me up or help me just get my spirits up a lil but I've been so stressed out lately that I broke out in Hives so they couldn't give me any meds for depression cuzz they had to give me meds for hives. I was crying and the heartless doctor just said "Well just come back when the hives are gone and we'll talk about it." What if I had went home and killed myself that day. I wonder how she would react if she knew she could of helped if I did.

I hate military hospitals. It's hard to get an appt and when u do get one the doctors are *****y and heartless.

Well this week I found out why my divorce had entered my H head again. While i was away taking my state boards in CA he hung out with this married couple and developed feelings for the wife. (his co-workers wife) I just found out that they chat online at home and at work, they sneak around and meet each other places, and to make it worse this girl tried to be the sympathetic friend. What a Bi**h. I told her husband but she tells him something and explains her actions and he believes her.

SO what can I do. Since I know fighting with my H just makes it where I don't spend time with him I stopped argueing with him about it. I figure I really love my H still and just want to be around him and talk to him as much as possible so I just suck it up. He denied his feelings for her in the beginning and then told me that he did develop feelings for her but they're gone now. Yeah right. That's why instead of taking me to the movies tonight like he said he would he said he would on Sun to catch a matinee and left to hang out with her. I even caught him online chatting with her. He pretended he was playing yahoo games.

He treats me like I'm stupid. I seen him typing on the keyboard and the game he was playing doesn't even require the keyboard. I walked up and he tried to shut the screen down but I saw the Instant message box pop up cuzz she was writing him back.

Why is it that I hate him and love him at the same time. I don't know how I could love a man that has hurt me this much. It's one of those things I just can't seem to understand. Maybe someone out there might know a reason or how I could work on not loving him anymore.

#763013 01/10/04 03:14 AM
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Depressed#1234, I felt inadequate for quite some time. My w said she doesn't love me anymore about 9 months ago and it felt like someone put a knife in my heart. I also spent all this time changing my life, getting in shape, losing weight (lots of it)quit smoking and guzzling beers, etc...to no avail. We saw MC a few times and she is as cold as ice (W). It gets worse everyday. We don't fight and get along quite well, but I gathered my strength and am ready to end it. It has come to the point now that she almost makes a point to let me know she is uninterested. I came home from work tonight and and went for the welcome home peck on the lips and she let out a sigh before kissing me. That is sort of humiliating. I just let it go. I have been so miserable this past few months it actually seems like a ton of bricks will be let off my shoulders when we seperate (that's coming soon). Although now that I have gathered my strength I want to end the marriage for good and move on with my life. I have discovered that I was holding on to all the good times and overlooking the not so good ones. My w is unwilling to give a little so I need to move on while I still have my sanity and my youth. I am 33 and we have been together for 12 years. I also realized we don't really have much in common anymore and I was just cruising through our marriage making all the concessions. I almost look forward to dating again to find a special someone who is more like me (I may or may not like that though). I married her because she kept me sane in the first place (exact opposites). The only reason she is not asking for D is because she doesn't want to give up our home and posessions we have worked so hard for. She is going to get a suprise though when I work up the guts. Fortunately we do not have kids yet.

I really feel for you. I couldn't stop thinking about it (still can't)for all these months. Someone will be talking to me and I will find myself in a daydream thinking about it. It really sucks. I know how you must feel. If the inevitable is going to happen (in your case)I would try to think about the good things in your future. Your kid, a new guy, your health and sanity. Everyday you wake up and have a decision to make. You can decide to be happy and enjoy the sunshine and a new day or you can chose to dwell on the things you can't control. I chose to wake up happy, hard as it gets sometimes. Sometimes you have to work your way into it, but you can do it. It is only a state of your mind.

My job (I am in sales) has suffered because of this because people can tell when you are giving off negetivity. It's like a horse can tell when you are afraid of it. In my case, I have to either get the love I need from her or move on. I am so frustrated with this limbo, I need finality one way or another. In my case the grass probably is greener on the other side. In my case, it makes me happier to think about the other side so that's how I make my decision to be happy when I get up in the morning (along with a James Brown "I Feel Good" song in the shower).

I hope all ends up for the best for you. God has something else planned for you. I have a dear friend who lost her fiance in a car wreck a few years back and she decided to live her life miserably. She went back to drugs and to this day is a sad, sad case. Don't let the bad things in. There will be brighter days.

#763014 01/12/04 02:19 PM
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Riverdog,

I know what u mean. When people talk to me it's like I'm not even listening. I just keep thinking about my situation and make my self feel crazy about what H is lieing to me about. I sometimes feel I am crazy and that everything is too much. I'm so over whelmed by all this that I find myself trying to lose myself if you can understand that.

I cried all night Saturday and found myself talking to god to take the pain away. I feel so sad and bad that I don't give my son the attn that he needs. I kinda just push him to the side. I know what I'm doing is wrong and that I need to look at it that it'll get better with time if I just let go but it seems so hard right now.

This morning I caught my H on the computer checking his mail from work because he won't be going to the office and he didn't want me to see but he went ahead and opened it so I wouldn't start acting crazy and I saw the girl he has feelings for wrote him 3 times but he would not open it because he swears that nothing is going on and he shouldn't have to prove nothing to me. It drove me crazy that he wouldn't let me read it and I can't access his mail because it's government mail and he can't give me his password he says...so I started telling him to let me read it and our conversation got so loud that the my son could hear us from the garage and at 6am he was standing there looking at me and his dad argue in the car.

I felt so bad, I cried when I saw him and called my doctor to get some help today. I'm out of control. I have this anger inside me and I lose it. I hope that the meds I got can help me.

All I can say is yes this is hard, the hardest thing I ever had to do but I'm trying to let go and move on. Somedays seems a lil easier than others but those days seem to be when I just pretend theres nothing wrong and convince my mind that my M will be ok. I hope that my sanity returns soon and I don't have to pretend anymore.

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