Question. For some years now my wife will give regular sex. But outside the bedroom she won't touch me, hold my hand, let me touch or hug her. And there is NO kissing with or without sex. Can someone tell me what's going on here? I caught her in Oct. in an "E-mail affair" and she had an physical affair about 8 years ago. She says she loves me but is not in love with me. I've surfed this site for 3 hours now learning what to do to save this marriage. The 6 months thing is going to be hard but I'll do whatever it takes. But back to the question: Why will she give me plenty of sex but no affection?

good question...<p>if i was repulsed i would not be giving you sex so she is still attracted to you...thats a good thing [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>was the email affair really affectionate? sounds like she isnt giving you a chance to meet her EN if she wont allow you to touch / kiss/ hold hands and possibly is seeking finding the IN LOVE feeling elsewhere<p>will she not discuss it beyond that she is not IN LOVE with you? <p>she sounds really selfish right now is that her normal way of behaving? <p>how does this make you feel? to me emotional sex is more important then just phisical sex...<p>is your marriage other wize seemingly OK?

Thanks for the response Soulmate 11. Yes the E-affair was very affectionate and getting close to pornographic when I caught it. No for some years now she hasn't let me get close enough to her to meet her EN. And no she won't discuss it, we're 30 days away from her getting caught so it may be too soon from what I've learned on this site. And her behavior SEEMS rather normal to me. She's really drifted away but I had too.(Not anymore though). And she doesn't seem to understand that I too feel that emotional sex is sometimes more important than physical sex. But I think you need both for either to be good. As to the rest of the marriage, we have the classics, little communication - only surface level, nothing deep. Separate outside interests ( I've cancelled mine as they were only there to try and fill a void). So now I'm trying to get involved with the things she's involved with but she's hesitant. Says I'm only doing it to check up on her. Really I'm just trying to re-establish our relationship. Any and all advice welcome.

Jerry, it's quite possible she has made contact with the OM again and therefore cannot connect to you, maybe out of fear she will slip and say or do something not so "normal".
Does she have a computer at work? There are many ways to find e mail addresses she may be using.
She may very well be using your computer, at home, under a new name. There are also ways of detecting those email addy's.
Continue reading about similar situations, here on MB's and May God guide you in repairing your marriage.

Thanks Lynn. Found out yesterday the 24th that she is in fact in contact with an OM. She said it was a different man. Old high school sweetheart she met in a store,he's from Montana and was her visiting family. Had him call her at home. Caught it on a phone tap. I've got a post on "Other Topics" about how to find other e-mail addresses. She does use the home computer and she has started giong to the library for lunch to use that one. but the home unit is her main. Any info on how I can find and track any and all e-mails on the home unit would be greatly appreciated. Thanks. J.

just a little thought...my friend 's wife did this and the damage is still done 6 years later...no sex...no talking...divorce pending, all for a child it would be over<p>i hope you get where you need to be [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>trust is everything and she lied and lied to him....he had read love letters she denied....<p>too bad it gets so huh?<p>i reccomend a book titled too good to leave / too bad to stay [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>its a great deciding book ...keep us posted

In the movie "The Mexican" Julia Roberts asks Brad Pitt, "When you truly love someone, when is enough enough?" Brad replies, "Never".
Despite it all I truly love my wife. She is the most beautiful woman I've ever met. Thanks but I don't need a book on making a decision. The decision is made. I need a book on controlling myself while I love her back into this marriage.

I think you are doing a great job trying to put your marriage back on track. I too was lost in an affair online when my H and I split up. That was 2.5 yrs ago. I am not going to tell you that it was easy to let go of the fantasy but that is exactly what it was. As for sex with H now. Things are not great still. I think it is because all the lost feelings have not resurfaced yet. H continues to slip back into the bad habits that aided in our split to begin with. We have been married 17.5 yrs now and we have 3 children. Sometimes I wonder if we will stay together when the kids leave. But non the less, We keep trying. I logged on here because I wanted see if anyone could help me understand why I do not desire my H anymore. It is an awful thing not to feel when you do have a sexual relationship. I want that feeling back with HIM not someone else. So you see. I may be in the same situation your wife is in just a little farther along. I hope we can talk about this more. God Bless.

Hey Texasgal, well it's good to know I'm not alone! My W said hers was a fantasy too. So she could quit it at any time without any emotional bonds. Just a tease thing. But she got caught up in it. Her lost feelings for me was due to bad mood swingsI have. I'm getting help now. So now with the things I've found in this website I'm learning to "love her back" into this relationship. It's slow going but after 6 weeks I got my first response yesterday. Wasn't a big one but it was a start. After her A I chose to love her. (Wasn't hard I love her anyway) But I had to chose to forgive and forget. That was hard. And now I have my Giver in charge to win back the heart I broke. I just have to be careful not to smother her with love and push her away. It's hard news but it's up to you to chose to love your H. Prayer helps. I chose to seek councelling and I'm on meds to help the mood swings. If your H isn't into councelling for his bad habits all I could suggest is to love him out of them. But first you have to chose to love him.Gets to be quite a circle doesn't it? Post again with more insight from your perspective. It might help a lot of us understand something. J.

I would guess since she doesn't seem to be emotionally connected with you outside the bedroom that she is fantasizing...if things are kinda on the silent side during sex. I did that.<p>If you test this theory (by talking to her and changing the action often which interrupts fantasies) you may not like the result--she could withdraw from sex with you! That is, until you make more headway with MB concepts.<p>Anyway, that's my thought on possibly why she still wants sex when she has distanced herself from other affection.<p>Continue to work on MB concepts and fulfilling her ENs. It takes a little time, yes, but it's worth it. Draw her away from her "need" to chat with other guys or whatever it was that enticed her into the affair 8 yrs. ago by supplying those needs yourself.

Thanks Laura. I've thought it was something like that but wasn't sure. I'll try your advice next chance I get. She just finished a yeast infection treatment and started her period so it'll be a while. But I'll give it a go. Could explain alot. Says even having a candle lit distracts her, as does the kissing. BUT I AIN'T GIVING UP. I'm begining to think I'm masochistic.

Ah, Jerry...yes...masochistic. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Well if you're going to test that theory and it's true, make sure you do lots of great EN work (on her needs) all this coming week, because she's not going to like undergoing the test! But yes, candles and kisses are distractions too? Pointing toward the theory even more.<p>I kinda hope I'm wrong. I think. FWIW, fantasies can be faceless and situational only sometimes....<p>Hang in there.

Hi All,<p>I am new to this site and am having difficulty finding the proper category to post my
message. <p>I have posted this on another divorce help forum, but I am not getting the advice that I
seek. My story is rather long, so I hope someone with experience on the matter would
take time to read it and offer some advice. I think you will find the turn of events
intriguing at the very least.<p>My wife and I have been together for 10 years. We have 4 beautiful children, but all were
born out of wed lock. We were not married until June of 2000. Right or wrong, that is
just how things worked out, but we have been very much in love since we met and started
dating. That is until my wife experienced an affair earlier this year. It, the affair, lasted
about two months. She dropped the bomb on me, just hours before we were to go out on
our first wedding anniversary, informing me that she had fallen in love with another man.
This is all going to sound funny, but I guess I had best give as many details as possible...<p>My parents were watching our children that evening (of our anniversary) so that we could
go out alone and celebrate our first year as a married couple. In light of the
aforementioned revelation of my wife’s affair, and her subsequently falling out of love with
me, we, for obvious reasons, did not go out and decided to relieve my parents of the now
unnecessary babysitting duties, then come home and begin to make our separation plans.
We also chose to use that time to break the news to my mother that we were headed for
divorce. <p>This is weird part #1; My wife took on the task of explaining to my mother that she had
fallen in love with another man and how it came about. My mother, being the
understanding person that she is, listened patiently, then replied that she had in fact been
through a similar situation herself. She continued to explain that this wasn’t TRUE love
that she (my wife) had found in this other man, for TRUE love doesn’t develop by means
of adultery. My wife thought about this for a moment, then suddenly reversed her tracks
and asked for my forgiveness. Me, being a very forgiving person, not to mention the fact
that I stilled loved her as much as I did 10 years ago, did forgive, inspite of her infidelity.
I admit, for the next couple of months, I experienced a an almost unbearable degree of
pain and resentment. I asked her countless questions about the affair and her apparent
commitment to our marriage. There was in fact point during my process of trying to
understand why this happened, that I didn’t think I could continue with our marriage due
to the persisting pain and told my wife that I was going to pursue a divorce. I’m telling,
you this woman BEGGED me to believe her that she knew that she made a huge mistake
and had truly learned a valuable lesson. She insisted that she still loved me as much as she
ever has, and this type of thing would never happen again. She literally BEGGED me for
another chance. After that show, there was no way I could deny her. I felt so badly for
her that she was in that much pain for doing what she had done. After all, this is the only
woman I have ever been in love with, so how could I not forgive.<p>Well, after much thought and being duped into believing her, I chose move forward and
not bring this other man up anymore. I wanted to put the issue behind me for I believe in
looking to the future and not dwelling on the past. You know something? We found
ourselves more affectionate and more in love after this event than we ever were before her
affair. I had almost felt that her affair was the best thing that ever happened to us. For
nearly 3 months after the affair ended, we were nearly inseparable. Always affectionate,
kissing and hugging. We communicated and understood our thoughts like never before.
That’s the way things were up until she took a three week vacation to see her family in
another state.<p>I personally drove her and my children to a city 900 miles away so that she could enjoy her
annual visit with her family. I could not get away from work to spend the three weeks
with her and returned home. Every day that they were gone, I called, we talked, and we
both reiterated our love for one another. In fact, on one occasion, I even sent her flowers. <p>Weird part #2; As scheduled, my wife and children returned from their vacation just in
time for the kids to start school in late August. Immediately, I noticed a decidedly
different attitude in my wife. We were still hugging, kissing and communicating, but I
sensed something was not the way it was when she left for vacation. her attempts at
affection began to feel cold and we were not communicating the way we were earlier. In
fact, she began treating me the way she was just before I learned of her affair. After two
weeks of this, my concern got the best of me and I inquired as to what was wrong? She
informed me that she was indeed STILL in love with the other man and in fact had called
him after three months of no contact and made plans to meet him. I am still in a certain
degree of shock, because I thought we had cleared the biggest hurdle of our lives. <p>Well, she didn’t follow through with the rendezvous at that time, but did emphasize that
she was no longer in love with me. She explains that this other man has given her insight
to a love that she has never experienced. I have asked many times over, just what kind of
love is it that I cannot offer. She says she can’t necessarily put a finger on it, but says that
their love involves TWO people giving. Am I wrong? Was I not giving enough? She also
goes on to say that BEFORE we were married, I did not’t give enough. But if that is the
case, I for the life of me cannot understand why she bothered to marry me. Moreover, it
isn’t true that I didn’t give before we were married. Maybe it’s because I gave even more
AFTER we were married, she feels she was robbed of something. I don’t know. I am so
confused now.<p>Anyway, just last week she called this other man AGAIN and made plans to meet. Once
more, she decided not to meet him, citing that it would not be fair to me. She does say
that she wants to get a divorce and wants to go back home now to her family out of state.
She has agreed, however, to stay here until the kids are out of school this coming spring.
This is to lessen the impact on them as we both know it will be a severe blow to them
when we split for good. <p>I have some time given her agreement to wait for school to release, but what can I do? Is
it possible for her to fall back in love with me? Is there ANYTHING I can do? I love
this woman more than air. She is the greatest thing that ever happened to me and I will do
ANYTHING to save this marriage. <p>If anyone is reading this, thank you for being so patient. There are many other details that
I just can’t type right now for I am exhausted. If asked of those details, I will reply
immediately. I am desperate.<p>Someone, please help before it’s too late.

LesBois,<p>I too am new to this website. You need to start a new topic (probable in General Questions II - it has the most traffic) and title it somethimg interesting like 'My Wife won't leave OM' or whatever. (OM stands for Other Man - I'm just learning this stuff!)<p>I'm afraid I don't have good advice for you, but there are LOTS of people here that will help you.<p>Good luck!<p>Gibby1 [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

LesBois - <p>I forgot to tell you that you can cut and paste your story to the new topic you start. Saves you alot of typing!<p>Gibby1

Hey Lucks! Well after the "dry spell", during which I made all the love deposits I could she stayed with the program and even suggested leaving a bedside lamp on! Not up to kissing but it's a great improvement. The test was/is good advice. I'll keep it up for a while to see where it goes. Thanks. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

there is too much you didnt tell...why does she want to leave her family?