Well, I told the wife yesterday that I wanted a divorce because of all the past and present issues that have never been resolved. In her opinion, resolved means to try to convince me that I am wrong. She didnt get outraged at all. I think she wants one too, but doesnt want to admit it. After her yelling and saying everything was my fault, she went to bed. I asked again if she would see a MC with me and she said no. I mention money and she says it has no place in the argument. It is an issue that many of the problems we face are hinged on. This morning she got home from work and accused me of doing something stupid to the son in law, and I had to stand there and defend myself. No good morning, nothing. She had invited a guy over from work last weekend, he thought he heard me say something and then went back and told her I said it. I dont have anyone come around for me anymore because she will accuse me of things. So she invites people and I still get caught in the crosshairs. SIL needed a tool. I said I didnt have one. He wanted to find someone to borrow one from. I told the " Guys" he should just go buy one as he will need it again. So one "Guy" tells her I said I had one but he could just go buy one. Not true. He went and bought one for 3.00, and then left it in "MY" toolbox. Even after leaving tools lay around, I still try to help him. He is young, and needs guidance, not a scumbag trying to hurt him. Wife feels like I am being less than charitable to him. This is why I want her out of my life. I guess I will just have to go pay a lawyer to get it going. I thought we could be reasonable about it. When she asked for specifics, I gave them to her and her comment was I have grown since then. But I see it all as one big movie in my head. It isnt broken down into chapters where I can see growth on her part, just destructive behavior, over and over. Am I wrong to be looking at this as a whole, I guess without ever having closure to any of the arguments, never leaving it with a compromise where we can both be happy with the outcome just keeps it all on the front burner. I feel like I have compromised my whole life with her, and she has a great life until I say anything contrary to her thoughts.... Example.

She had a slice of pizza from store X. She said it was good and the next time she would try it from there. I suggest pizza. Kids ask oh, can we get it from store x? She goes into the defensive mode to claim she likes to get it from store Y. Kids remind her she liked it and said next time she would try X, then she gets mad at everyone because we know she likes Y and want X.
Now I know this seems trivial, but every single conversation goes this way. She will never see anything but her side of an issue. Now I cant even convince her that I want to leave. I cant leave the kids behind. I am trying to find a place I can take them. Looking for a house in the country and think I may have found one. But they go quick. Any thoughts on my movie scenario


Been together 21 years
Married 14
D25, D14, D13
Destructive wife who never had a role model to teach her how to get through life. Suspect Bi-Polar. Never did anything wrong, just ask her. If it goes wrong, It's the man's fault.

Hired Help
I don't know much of your story and I'm sorry but I'm gonna pick apart your post. I'm on the other side of the fence, having D handed to me and hate to see it happen to anyone.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I asked again if she would see a MC with me and she said no. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just because she won't go , doesn't mean that you cant. Have you seen a counselor?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think she wants one too, but doesnt want to admit it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My W says the same about me. I think this is her way of justifying her decision and feeling less guilty about it. Perhaps you have unknowingly come to the conclusion about your W for the same reasons. I wouldn't assume that she wants a D just because she didn't freek about it. Don't think that you are doing this for both of you unless she tells you that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I had to stand there and defend myself. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Were you able to do this in an understanding way without LB'ing. Just because you feel that she is being unreasonable, doesn't mean that you should be.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">her comment was I have grown since then. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you talked to her about this growth. What does she see as growth that you are not seeing?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Wife feels like I am being less than charitable to him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why? is there a way that you can make W feel that you are being more charitable to him?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel like I have compromised my whole life with her </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you compromised your life for her or committed it to her?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She will never see anything but her side of an issue. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What if you just agree with her side? what kind of reaction do you get from her? Does she take up her own side to be confrontational?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Suspect Bi-Polar </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you discussed this with a professional? perhaps this is something that you can learn to deal with together, even if she doesn't see the problem. Maybe she needs you more than you know.


Finally. Are you meeting her EN,s? Do you know what her EN's are?

I posted on this a couple times, last one was "decision has been made" My wife wants me to roll over at any and all suggestions that she has. If I tell her I would rather do something else, she has a fit and stops the project, smashes something or yell till I just want to escape.

She made me compromise to my son in law over a piece of our land. He wanted to build a home. I only went along with her to keep the peace. It wasnt the best decision. It interfered with plans of my own. I know she knows how I felt and she thinks I hold that against him, in reality, I dont care anymore. It turned into her life, not ours. I dont meet her EN anymore because I have given so much and she still wants more. She fails to meet mine and has for a long time. Paying our bills is to me, an emotional need. Money is there, and she doesnt feel like doing it. I try and get screamed at. I dont feel secure at home at all. Collectors call me. Not her. She says it doesnt matter. Why would I care if you credit gets ruined. LB all the time. She will never be happy. She is a game player, poor me, nobody loves me. Several people have said that if she could put 1/2 the energy into positive things as she does negative, we would have a great life.
Bills dont get paid, procedures not followed and I am tired of being dragged around and being put in financial binds because of her lack of action.
I spoke with my brother today and he gave me a few pointers. I need to persue this and get the kids out. Matter of fact, yesterday when I was discussing issues with the wife, she was yelling back at me, blaming me, the kids took it upon themselves to pack their things so they could leave with me. Really sad isnt it.

Hired Help
I don't know much of your story and I'm sorry but I'm gonna pick apart your post. I'm on the other side of the fence, having D handed to me and hate to see it happen to anyone.


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I asked again if she would see a MC with me and she said no.
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Just because she won't go , doesn't mean that you cant. Have you seen a counselor?
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Why? So I can learn how to lay low and deal with her attitudes and outbursts, destructive behaviors and emotional damage?


quote:
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I think she wants one too, but doesnt want to admit it.
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My W says the same about me. I think this is her way of justifying her decision and feeling less guilty about it. Perhaps you have unknowingly come to the conclusion about your W for the same reasons. I wouldn't assume that she wants a D just because she didn't freek about it. Don't think that you are doing this for both of you unless she tells you that.

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You are right, she doesnt, because her life is great, till I have an opinion. She is a control freak. Cant fix that... can we?


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I had to stand there and defend myself.
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Were you able to do this in an understanding way without LB'ing. Just because you feel that she is being unreasonable, doesn't mean that you should be.
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Yes for the most part, I was hurt that she would take the word of a co worker over mine. Believe me, I have been patient, and empathetic to her but just cant be consumed by the hate and anger she displays daily, about everything.


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her comment was I have grown since then.
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Have you talked to her about this growth. What does she see as growth that you are not seeing?

Writing F*** Y*** all over my car with spray paint. Well, she is right, she grew. Never did that again.

Smashing hole in wall of office with a 2X6. She grew. Never did that again. Kicked in the front of new kitchen cabinet. Yep, Only did that once too.

She never grew. In my opinion, because she chooses anger to deal with anything contrary.
I told her yesterday that she chooses anger when something didpleases her. She said no, You make me angry. Emotion of how we deal with an issue is our choice. Not what someone does to you. She disagrees.


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Wife feels like I am being less than charitable to him.
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Why? is there a way that you can make W feel that you are being more charitable to him?
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Yes. I complain to her that he leaves things in a mess. My things. Leaves the garage a mess after he uses it. I had to go buy new sheetrock tools.
50.00 worth that I lent him. He never cleaned them and ruined them. She said they are her tools to, and he ruined hers so shut up.


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I feel like I have compromised my whole life with her
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Have you compromised your life for her or committed it to her?
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I commited it to making her happy. I didnt get the same back. I was put on hold when it was a money issue, and usually didnt get what I wanted or needed. But she did. But it isnt about stuff anymore. Stuff cant make you happy. It is short term


quote:
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She will never see anything but her side of an issue.
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What if you just agree with her side? what kind of reaction do you get from her? Does she take up her own side to be confrontational?
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That is how I got through 21 years. I dont want to do that anymore. That is why I am where I am at. I agree, and she is happy, but not me. I just gave in again.


quote:
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Suspect Bi-Polar
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Have you discussed this with a professional? perhaps this is something that you can learn to deal with together, even if she doesn't see the problem. Maybe she needs you more than you know.
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She told me that if she went to a dr, they would medicate her and she wouldnt take them anyway. Besides there is nothing wrong with her.


Finally. Are you meeting her EN,s? Do you know what her EN's are?
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Yes. I know them. To be at her beck and call. No time for me or others. As soon as I am doing something that doesnt include her, .....tantrum time. She is unreasonable. I would love her to say, not right now honey, I have to get these bills together.

Yes it is sad. I looked up some of your other posts to get a little more backrground on you situation.
I'm sorry you have gone through so much for so long and that your kids are being affected in the way that they are.
Perhaps this could be what pushes her to the point of getting help. Although your kids are grown a bit, you do still need to do what is best for yourself and them. I don't think you need to worry about her taking them from you. I don't think they would let her.

My sugestion would be. If she trys to stop you, insist that she get help.(in a nice way) don''t just say "your frickin nuts and untill you get your head straight, don't talk to me"

One of the things that led me to where I am now, was getting my wife to realize that she gets mad at me too easy.At least once or twice a day.She would get mad is I stepped off the mat before taking my shoes off. Unfortunately for me, once she saw that it was true and she tried to figure out why, she decided it was because she wasn't in love with me anymore and a bunch of other foggy reasons