is a continual emotional affair that the person has no plans, or refusses to give up grounds for divorce?

What do you mean by “grounds”?
Legal, ethical, moral, biblical, what?

If your state has “no-fault” divorce, then the only reason you need is you don’t want to be married anymore.

When you say "refuses to give up" - - can you explain this?

I am one of those people that is of the idea that there isn't much of a distinction between an emotional affair or an "actual" physical affair.

In fact, I would say that an emotional affair is every bit as determental to the marriage relationship as a full blown physical affair.

Grounds? Certainly. There are always GROUNDS.

Should you exercise those "rights". No. Not without a fight. Not until you know in your heart of hearts you have done ALL you can do.

Not until you can look yourself in the mirror and say you have done absolutely all YOU could do and you are at peace.

Grounds are only reasons (legal and moral) that give us excuses to give up.

Unless you are ready to give up, don't even go asking for this line of advice.

Get the "D" would out of your thinking.

Only my opinion. But without telling us more, we are really only shadow boxing here.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

DZZZ

My story is in the "Divorce Section" anyway my wife has been having an emotional affair for over a year. we went to counseling and the marriage coulselor said that she should terminate the relationship, in order to move on. she refuses to do this and communicates with the person on a daily basis Not to mention she degrades me to this person, and this person is an ex.

Yeah. I just read your first post. I am sorry you are going through this.

As I say, to me, it is an affair. PERIOD.

Especially if she has been found out and confronted and she still refuses to terminate it.

You say this has gone on for a year? Why do you make the distinction between "emotional" and "affair"? I am just curious.

Others will no doubt chime in here (this is a slow day with the holidays and all .. so hang in there) in this case, because it was an "ex" I see this as clearly a full blown affair.

May I ask if they had a physical relationship in the past?

My line of reasoning is that I think perhaps (and I tread carefully here) that you might want to explore more of the resources on this site (namely the Plan B) but again, I have next to no experience in this and would prefer others to address this.

Just my two cents worth..
DZZZ

<small>[ January 02, 2004, 01:40 PM: Message edited by: Diamonzzz ]</small>

I agree with Diamonzzz. I have always thought of an A as an A regardless of anything physical. Although there can be something physical involved, love is an emotion.
I never even new that there could be 2 distinctions of an A until I came to this site.

I do not want to be the devil's advocate, but I heard the whole EA stuff from my ex-WW. Turns out, even though I did not want to believe it, that there was an admitted PA also for 7 months. She lied during counselling, etc. I guess you are bigger than me, because after fighting it for almost a year, I just had to throw in the towel.

Funny thing, now that the divorce is final, and I have moved on, she now wants to put things back together.

Seems like you want someone to give you the OK to file the papers. Only do that after you have tried everything that you can think of. A lawyer gave me the following advice and it was a turning point for me. He said, "If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck.......Just take control of the situation." Once I took control, things started looking up. I felt better. But I am not saying it did not hurt terribly, just be prepared.

Right now you are being manipulated and are completely miserable. Your spouse is having their cake and eating it too. Seems like you are out of options, so file and it will force your spouse to make a decision one way or another.

Good luck.

Well said WishIwashome. And for me, I think it's the betrayal. The fact that my spouse could give effort to another person and not ME, is reason enough.

I don't think one would hurt more than another, although for some reason as humans we like to make the distinction.

I am really sorry for you pain MyAdvocate.

DZZZ

<small>[ January 02, 2004, 01:52 PM: Message edited by: Diamonzzz ]</small>

I do not want to be the devil's advocate, but I heard the whole EA stuff from my ex-WW. Turns out, even though I did not want to believe it, that there was an admitted PA also for 7 months. She lied during counselling, etc. I guess you are bigger than me, because after fighting it for almost a year, I just had to throw in the towel.

Funny thing, now that the divorce is final, and I have moved on, she now wants to put things back together.

Seems like you want someone to give you the OK to file the papers. Only do that after you have tried everything that you can think of. A lawyer gave me the following advice and it was a turning point for me. He said, "If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck.......Just take control of the situation." Once I took control, things started looking up. I felt better. But I am not saying it did not hurt terribly, just be prepared.

Right now you are being manipulated and are completely miserable. Your spouse is having their cake and eating it too. Seems like you are out of options, so file and it will force your spouse to make a decision one way or another.

Good luck.

MyAdvocate

After reading your other post, it doesn't sound like an A has to be physical for it to mean the same to your W.

To adress your question, Laws are laws but if you realy mean is it a good enough reason for D, then I would follow the advice of the other posters. Do everything you can until you can say to yourself, without doubt, "I have done everything that I can". D is a last resort but it may be what is necessary for you.
My opinion, unless you're being abused or severely neglected then there is no rightfull grounds for D.

Make sure you know the MB concepts and be sure to apply them. Look into plan A and Plan B. You should probably be working on plan A now. It doesn't sound to me like you are ready for plan B yet, butit may give you some ideas of how to handle your sittuation

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your spouse is having their cake and eating it too. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Exactly! So read up on the Plan A and Plan B and get prepared to FIGHT. If after you have done everything, things STILL don't work out at least you tried.

I think it might be time to stop asking whether or not it IS an affair and just accept this it is -what is. Doesn't matter if it is an EA or a PA.. the fact is, she is a cake eater and it is time for action on your part.

Please read all the info on this site and I suggest you get a copy of the book "Surviving an Affair" as well.

DZZZ

Thank you all for all of your support. in regards to the question of whether or not they where intimate at one time the answer is yes, but she does'nt know that I know. i'm going go proceed w/plan A, but the hard part is i have a 2yr old daughter that I love Very much, and she loves me even more. That's what keeps me going.

I had children ages 7, 5, 2, and 7 weeks when the proposition was made for an affair. How I wish I had separated when he would not give her up! Now our M is a mess, the affair became physical, and I don't know if I can ever get over it.

Do you want a divorce?
Are you looking for a reason to divorce?

Chris, I don't want a divorce, however I don't want to live w/mistrust, nor do i want to just be a paycheck, and a housekeeper in a marriage. i don't want to be taken advantage of, nor do i want to look like a fool.

Okay, but you asked, “is a continual emotional affair that the person has no plans, or refusses to give up grounds for divorce?“

Are you just confused/wondering what it is you should/could do?

Yes Chris, that's kind of where I am. seeking directions, and answers.