Hi. I have posted once or twice here, but I will remind everyone of my situation again. Long story...short! My H and I have been married for 3 years. This last year he has not held a job for longer than 4 months. He wanted the "get rich quick jobs" and in my mind is lazy. He wants to work when he wants, and will either get fired or quit because he knows he is going to get fired. So I have supported our family for pretty much the entire time. We have 2 children. I recently found out about a loan that my H had before we met in the amount of 41K that he has paid nothing on. It is a federal student loan. I had a cell phone for about 10 years, and we added him and got on a family plan, and in a 2 month period ran up our bill to 2,000. I can't afford a 2k cell phone bill, therefore I no longer have one, or can I get one. There is a 13 year old down the street who has 2 younger brothers that our son plays with. They have a horrible home life, and we felt sorry for them, so when the younger ones would spend the night, with our son, the 13 year old girl would ask to stay and we agreed because we knew she just wanted to get out of the house. This went on for months and months. My H and I both have talked to her and been there for her, and one night I walked in my bedroom and my H and this 13 year old were kissing. They didn't see me and I was shocked. I asked him for 2 or 3 days what she was so upset about and what they were talking about and he never mentioned them kissing, until I told him I saw them. Then of course, He said she kissed him, and he told her to stop. Either way it should not have happend, and I can't get over it. I'm so mad at him for everything I don't want to even be around him, however, our families and everyone else things we need to work through this...My question, HOW??? I can't help the feelings I have, and I can't get over it. We have done IC and MC and nothing seems to be working for me. We have been seperated for 5 months now. Any thoughts? Do these seem like pretty big issues or am I making them bigger than they are? In my mind they are major and I am completely justified in asking him to leave, and possibly even filing for divorce!! I'm just very confused at this point. I'm scared to death of being alone the rest of my life, but I'm also not happy with him, at this point. Can my feeling possibly change over time, or do you think that would have happend by now? Any help or advice is greatly appreciated! Thanks so much!

confusedathome

Have you left OM. Are your feelings for H being clouded by your A.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 13 </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Regardless of age, what he did is wrong. But I see this as a serious problem that he needs to address. I'm a dad with 4 daughters, all I can say is H is lucky that it was not one of them <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Hi. Yes, there is nothing currently going on with this OM. It was a very short term thing, and didn't last, which I didn't expect it to. I honestly thought that my feelings would change once OM was out of the picture, however I still can't get past this. The 13 year old came over the other day and my H showed up at the house. I asked 13 year old not to come back, just because there is no reason for her to be there. What happened with her and my H got brought up and she was ready to confront him about it because she said he started it not her. I asked him to talk with her and I about it and he didn't want to. He said he didn't want to piss her off and take a change on him getting in trouble. WHATEVER...He should have thought about that earlier...I don't buy it, I think he kissed her, but again, will never really know the truth. I'm not blaming this little girl AT ALL, or taking the blame off of my H either AT ALL, but just an FYI, this little girl has issues. She came in my house once after I told her that she didn't need to come over anymore and told me she was raped...just so I would feel sorry for her. I found out it was just that...I was a story, she made the whole thing up. So, again, not blaming her at all, but she has some pretty serious problems and I just don't know what to think!!
My dad told my H the same thing. We have a daughter, he asked him how he would feel if that had been our daughter! I don't know...I'm really, really confused!! Thanks WISH!!

My H and I both have talked to her and been there for her, and one night I walked in my bedroom and my H and this 13 year old were kissing.
You did call the police & child services, correct?

but she has some pretty serious problems
And your h is one of them.

You seem to be ignoring the fact that you h was kissing a 13 year old girl!
Regardless of “who started it”, they both have some very serious issues to deal with.

<small>[ January 02, 2004, 02:56 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

If this girl has issues like you say, maybe your H is telling the truth. Do you have a reason to not believe him

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Then of course, He said she kissed him, and he told her to stop. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you know that this is a lie, And you know that he was in controll of the situation(which he should have been given her age) then you must think of your own daughter.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> We have a daughter, he asked him how he would feel if that had been our daughter!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't want to confuse you more or make you feel worse. But I'm sure This isn't a new Idea to you. What if one day it is your daughter?

I don't want to sound like a sicko, And I have my own daughters, 4 as I have said,And I am no pro, I only speak from my own observations.Men always tend to be atracted to the same age group of women regardless of there own age. What I mean is, if a man has a strong atraction to an 18 year old when he is 18, he is prone to being atracted to that age group regarddless of how old he is. Taste in the opposite sex does not always change with your own age.I myself fall into the low to mid 20. Even though I haven't been there in a long time, I find this age women to be the most attractive to me.

If your H is atracted to someone so young, he must address the issue.

I haven't done anything. I didn't know what to do. She obviously has told anyone about what happened with them. I called her mom when she told me she was raped, and she then came and told me that she just made it all up,but that is all that I have done.

Sorry, I meant "she obviously HAS NOT..."

Thanks Wish...I do see your point. I would go off if something like this happened to my D. I know he is the adult...I don't blame him for being there and helping her, but he should have said,"sure let's talk, let's go out and have a seat on the couch..." Whatever, he is at fault I realize that. That is why I'm so confused. This girl has lied to my face about pety stuff over and over, and has been in mental hospitals and counseling and everything else. I believed my H all along until he didn't want to discuss it, or "confront" her.
Chris--i'm not ignoring the fact...AT ALL! I said over and over I'm not putting the blame on her at all. He is the adult, she is a child. Whom ever started it is not the issue, it happened, and he being the adult should not have let it happen. I totally think it is his fault and a MAJOR issue, and honestly, will probably file for divorce over this issue, I guess I just wanted someone to say, "Filing for divorce over this issue is justified." Because like I said, our families, and everyone else knows this is serious but things I should be able to work through it, and I can't seem to do that.

This issue is not something which you have anything to “work through”. It is something he has to work through.

I guess I just wanted someone to say, "Filing for divorce over this issue is justified."
In my opinion, yes, it is justified and even warranted, but it is your decision as you have to deal with the results..

confusedathome

No body here will ever say " Yes you should file" that decision will always be up to you and it should be up to you.

I am being handed my D so I don't think anyone has a good enough reason.
reading some of your other posts, I see that around thanks giving, you wanted your M to work. What has changed sice then?
What kind of work has been done?
Does H want M to work?
What is he willing to do for it?
What are you willing to Do for it?


Does H understand how serious this is for you or is the D going to define that for you?

I know that no one can make that decision for me, but again, I have EVERYONE telling me that I'm making way too much of this, and I just wanted someone to tell me that I'm not. I do want my M to work, but I just can't get over these feelings. My husbands past jobs consist of comission only jobs, and that sort of thing. I know these types of jobs can work for some but not everyone. And they did not work for him. Once I asked him to leave he got a job making good money. He has been there for 5 months, and emailed me today telling me that we needed to talk about the current job situation. I just called him at work,to ask him something and they said he wasn't in today. I would love for this marriage to work, he is romantic, sensative, sweet, but I'm so angry and full of hatred, I don't know what to do. Thanks everyone!!

My H does want it to work...I would like it to work, however, again, I don't know what to do to make that happen. I have done IC, MC, we have tried keeping distance between us, going on dates weekly, nothing is working...I just cant seem to get over it. He wants me to be proud of him because he has kept his current job longer than any this past year...5 months...that's nothing! I've been with my company for 6 years...5 months is nothing, and he is talking about leaving already.

You can never make too much of how you feel and no one can tell you how to feel.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Can my feeling possibly change over time, or do you think that would have happend by now? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Healing can take a very long time. I don't know how long ago this happened but maybe your feelings still can change , maybe not.

Are you still going to IC, if it did not help you, you should try a new IC. not all are right for everyone and not all are good.

I would give yourself more time and continue with IC or MC or both. Find new ones if necessary.(I start seeing my new one monday)

I read a post by too much coffee man that I'll never forget. He said that all you need to do is remember 4 words
"I Will Make IT"
Things are hard right now but no matter how they turn out, you will be alright in the end. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Ok...This great job my H has had for the past 5 months, that I should be so proud of him for...
Well, he came over last night, and told me "they eliminated his position..." WHATEVER...But they didn't elimate the other peoples positions that do the exact same job that he does. He couldn't believe that I wasn't supportive towards him. He was putting the blame on everyone but himself, and talking about taking our kids and keeping them and bad mouthing my family, and me...I hate to say this but the D word is looking like it is going to happen.