I have a lot to tell and would like to get some advice if I could. I am a servicemember who has been deployed to Iraq for 11 months. I’m going home in 3 days. My wife told me two weeks ago on the phone that she didn’t want me coming home and that when I came home she didn’t want me to move back in. She then said she would take care of everything and set up an apartment for me so it was ready when I got back. She then said we needed to talk when I got back home. I asked her if this meant that she wanted a divorce to which she did not give an answer. All she said was that we need to talk. When I agreed she said not to expect anything to change. We have had additional phone conversations…actually quite normal since then but neither one of us has actually approached the subject again. I have arranged for a hotel room when I get home and she is going to drop off my car to me but does not want to meet me when I get off the plane.

The background
I left for seven months in Afghanistan in January of 2002 and returned in August of 2002. I had promised my wife I would get out of the army when I got back and then I changed my mind. When I returned she was extremely upset with me, frustrated, angry, hurt at that decision. We attacked each other and argued. In the heat of the moment, totally angry at her I told her I wanted out of the marriage. She left me 1 week later. We went to counselors and that didn’t work. We finally reconciled a few months later and I moved back in November just after Thanksgiving. We knew we both had plenty to work on. In December I found out I would go to Iraq for the war for what I then thought would be six months. She was still extremely angry at me for what I had done in the meantime to our marriage. I had emotionally become a WH to her. When we fought I would totally shut her out and emotionally withdrew from her and the marriage. In January things began to look brighter. I started working on myself and she began to see the progress. I was just beginning to rediscover myself when I had to leave. Unfortunately I committed a lot of LB’s before I left. Unmeant but still committed. When I left she cried, we promised to pick up where we left off and committed to ourselves. For the first six months I was gone everything was fine. I got lots of letters and she told me that she loved me all the time. Then in September I started to notice a difference. She became angry with me all the time on the phone…told me someone who loved her would not have done or said the things I did when I came home from Afghanistan. I told her that I was working on myself but evertime I tried to bring it up she just started to resent me. Finally we agreed to just not talk about it until I got home. It is impossible for me to take actions to show my commitment from here. I sent her flowers. She told me not to. I tried to get her stuff for Christmas and she said no. Everything seemed ok until I got that phone call 2 weeks ago. Up until then even when she was angry she would calm down at the end, apologize and just say she was stressed out. I would tell her she had nothing to apologize for since it was my actions that caused it anyways. I love my wife very much. I know I committed some egregious errors last year (I did not have an affair thought) but in many ways the outcome was the same as an affair. Well right now we have been cordial since the phone call. Neither one of us are saying I love you. She says we will talk when I get home and I agree that that is a good thing. I’ll be home on 9 January. I know she doesn’t see a future because she thinks I want to stay in the army but I don’t. I’ve already submitted my paperwork to be out in July. She doesn’t believe me though and I fear she has given everything she has to give and resents me still for what I did last year.

My plan
Here’s my plan. I know who I am and what I want. I have done a lot of work on myself this year. She hasn’t been able to see any of that yet. I’m just afraid I’ll step off the plane and she’ll say I want you out of my life and don’t want any contact. If she does that then I am at peace with myself and will live with it. If she says she wants a divorce then I’m going to do three things. First I will ask for a six month hold on it to just see if we can get to know each other again, as friends first. I won’t pressure her on moving in at all and I won’t say I love you. Second I want her to know that I’m leaving the army in July and it’s going to happen this time and it’s what makes me happy. Third I want to commit to supporting her through nursing school no matter what happens. I don’t want in a divorce but if she wants one I only want her to make sure and not make a rash decision and know who I am before she does (hence asking to wait six months). I am a much happier and secure person now. She says we have both changed and that she has to do whats right for her. I only want to make positively sure that she’s making the correct decision. She is the love of my life and it scares me to lose her but at the same time I know that if it happens I’ll be ok because I want a family and children and a stable job where I’m not gone for years. It’s sad but who’s story isn’t. I know if I can show her who I am then she can make an informed decision and hopefully in the process learn to love me again (although she says a part of her will always love me --- which I’m taking as a positive). If anyone has any thoughts or advice then please let me know. I love her dearly and want a future together but am realistic enough to know that it takes two (as she told me on the phone when she said she didn’t want me coming back).

PS-I don’t think there is someone else. I know her and know she wouldn’t risk her future for that either way.

God Bless you & Thank you for your serice to the US. May you stay safe until you return.

It sounds as if you have read the material here, which is always a good, however you might want to repost this on GQ2, most of us here are either divorce or in the process, more posters on GQ2 are trying to save their marriage.

Now as the STBXW of a very long time travler, I can tell you being alone for long periods of time causes stress that is hard to explain to the person that as gone. There are a couple of posters here who are the X's of career military, so they may can give you better feedback.

Again good luck, stay safe, let us know when you return and thank you.

Thanks for serving and protecting our country in it's time of need. Tell all of your friends over there that the American people deeply appreciate their sacrifice. We are praying for their safe return. By the way, this may be the most important thing you will ever do in your whole life.

My H met his OW when her H went to active duty. It is one of the things that I cannot forgive him for. Here we are in a national crisis and he and OW decided to get together for their own selfish reasons. Her H is back now, came back to no wife, no job, etc.

But he is doing well now. He has daughter and a job, and has started dating. But anyway, back to your problem. You have been gone a long time. You have done the right thing, the honorable thing. Think very carefully about your plans. I would write to your wife and say you plan to stay married. If she decides not to, let her do the work of getting a D. In the meantime, read all about Plan A here. Try to be calm and respectful towards her. We will help you get through this. I will be praying for your safe return and happiness. Please know that we are supporting you, like you sacrificed to take care of us.

HOOAH! Thank you, my friend, for serving in the Army and especially serving in BOTH Afghanistan & Iraq. Thank you! Yes, I know Hooah because I did 9 years in the Army myself - Active Duty - and yes, I know the pain of long and frequent deployments and FTXs.
You sound like you got your Plan together and got it right. I am sorry that this has caused you pain and maritial problems. I can say, however, that you have found the RIGHT PLACE for any maritial advice and also lots of experience from peeps who have 'been there, dun that, etc.'
The Military was a factor in the demise of my Marriage as well - Military Life is extremely hard on marriages.
I believe when you get back and impliment your Plans, it will work and especially when your wife sees your Papers for ETSing the Army.
God bless you!
Harold

I too have to add my appreciation to your service to our country!!! THANK YOU!!!

I realize this has been a great sacrafice for you personally. But, I have to tell you how much we appreciate the freedom you are fighting for.

God bless you for making that choice.

I'm sorry you are in this place marriage wise. My best advice to you is to read up on Plan A and do it as well as you can - (even though you are not involved in an affair and she probably is not either). The next recommendation would be to contact the counselors here at MB - or Cerri
for professional marriage coaching.

Don't give up!!!

My prayers are with you.

Jan

ml,

Again thank you for serving your country. You are appreciated and you need to know that and remember it even if you don't hear it on a daily basis.

As an x career military spouse of 21 years, I want to add that there is alot of stress while the AD member is gone, is hard to explain it's just there.

Your wife has had to be very independent while you where gone and this you need to understand, it's not that she doesn't need or want you, she has just had to learn to do things for herself, and some of these things will be tough for her to give back to you don't push it though.

Show her the changes you have made, don't tell her about them show them to her. Don't push the marriage right now, romance and date her, let her get to know you again, you've been seperated a long time and both of you have changed, some will be good changes and others you may hate or she may hate.

Let her ask you questions about what it is you did in the war, don't push these things on her, but be honest and open when she asks, let her know what it is you did in your spare time.

And like others have said, stand for your marriage if she wants the divorce let her do the work to achieve one, it took my x 2 years to accomplish this, I did not stand in the way, but things just kept happening. I didn't save my marriage but I am recovering nicely. Remember to use I messages when talking, you can't talk for someone else.

May God Bless and keep you til you return!!! I am sorry that you are returning to this, but I guess it is better to be fore warned!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

First off thanks to everyone for your advice. It's been an emotional roller coaster the past two weeks but I think I'm finally pulling into the stop. I leave in two days now. It's been a hard month but I can handle this when I get back. I'm definitely a happier person with this out in the open. The only thing I don't understand is that she has called my family and been around my friends and apparently acting perfectly normal around them. She talked to my parents for 45 minutes on New Years and they were really happy about it. That's the only part I don't get. It's ok though. I'm not going to beg or plead when I get home just follow my plan. I will definitely not push her and just hope that she opens her eyes to who I am. We will see. I'm just going to ask for the six month wait and go from there one day at a time. I don't want to push her at all because I do know and understand how independent she has become. And I'm going to go get a dog to celebrate coming home! Thanks for all your posts they do help me through some dark times.

Hooah! I'm glad you're leaving in 2 days. I hope and pray your return journey is a safe one.
Enjoy that puppy when you get one!! (My wife & I are animal lovers - we have 4 dogs, all indoor ones)
Harold

First, allow me to thank you and all of those who have served our country with great distinction to defend us here back home. We appreciate all you have done for us.

You sound like you have your head on straight. You have a good, workable plan and you are willing to commit some time to it before you take any actions that may not be well thought out.

Be flexible where it makes sense ( there will always be unanticipated surprises) without compromising your principles. Sounds to me like you have the right attitude to handle this.

Best to you!

Thanks again to everyone for the support. Another thing just hit me today. Everything seemed ok until mid-December. on 9 December I was wounded in a car bomb attack on my building and wondering if that may play a role in her thingking. Just another thought...I'm trying to not think myself to death but don't think I'm succeeding. I talked with my wife on the phone today. Neither one of us brought up the topic at all. My flight was pushed back a day and she offered to change my hotel reservations for me so I wouldn't have to worry about it. It was a very amicable conversation...I didn't want to put any pressure on her and she didn't put any on me. It ended with her telling me to take care of myself (which is a positive to me) but I'm not reading into anything. I've even further refined my plan. My biggest fear is that I literally see her for the first time and she tells me she wants a divorce. If that happens then I will let her know that I understand how difficult the past two years have been, ask her how she feels about me, ask her in what ways i've let her down (even though I think I know the answers already to that one). Then I will truly listen with an open heart. I won't agree or disagree in getting a divorce if she asks. I'll just try to see if she wants to talk. I truly just want her to be happy either way and if she wants to go down the road then I hope we can do it as friends with a friendship that we can still value. Lots of praying on my end. Thanks again for all the support and hope everyone has a good day!