After 2 1/2 years post-affair, I have called it quits with my husband (WS), as of Saturday. Since then I have been upset and crying off and on. I feel terrified at taking care of our two children by myself--afraid I can't get a job and we'll be desperate. (I have a master's degree, but it's in a field that doesn't lend itself to employment--history. I just can't teach middle or high school and face a bunch of teenagers every day.) I've never really worked, so I have no confidence at all in my ability to support self and children.

I'm so worried that going back to H is starting to seem like a possibility, although I can't trust him at all and really believe that if we did stay together, he would just have another affair 5 or 10 years down the road.

Basically, I'm scared out of my mind and afraid of being lonely, as well as poverty-stricken. What if I never meet anyone again? I've never been someone who highly valued independence--I always valued very close relationships with just a few people. A lifetime of glorious singlehood just seems miserable and sad.

Any other women out there enter divorce with no clear ideas about how to support themselves? I'd be glad for any kind words.

Rose Red

Rose,

Yes, it's a typical feeling after a separation of any longer relationship. Currently, I'm going through the exact feelings as you do. Give it time, and the pain will slowly vanish....

Rose, I am currently in the same position. The divorce was just this past June. I didn't work outside the home since 1990. I worked for XH in his business without a paycheck. So I have nothing to show. I was physically abused by my X, and I am now going to school to get my Bachelors of Science degree in ?. I have an LPN license, but the injury I endured does not allow me to lift over 10#s.

I was terrified, and basically like you, dependent on your husbands income. I have 4 children 17-25. I am much OLDER than you, and cried, wanted to quit life, lost so much weight, and didn't know what to do.

Get counseling, that is a must. Get on anti-depressants (which I am on), it helps to get your emotions settled down.

Try to get a goal. You have a masters, that should get you somewhere. With one child at age 10, maybe you could work in the childs school, just for a start. For your information, don't start out fulltime. Just like me, I started school with 2 classes. Again this semester 2 classes. Maybe work parttime. That would be a start, and could find out where your interests are. I also, am taking a art class for fun. I am not able to put as much effort into this class, for I don't have much money and time.

Have you thought about a support group. I did the support group with First STep, for battered wives, and I went through 2 group support session, and that was helpful. Find a good support group, a counselor, and maybe someone at your church.

Involve yourself with your child, and do something once a week for YOURSELF!!!! You have been giving and giving, and now it is time to work on yourself. Change your hairstyle, change your style of clothes. Get into a fitness group.

I really don't know how I am going to make it. But my goal is to leave it to God now. I have given it all to him, and so far he has shown me the path of getting by. I have sought help with Medicaid, foodstamps, and generous people. First Step has helped me get through tough times with food.

I didn't have much self-esteem. Now, I can see that I can make it through a University I am attending. I made friends with the kids there. I have a great adovcate at the University that is helping me choose my path. You need to take steps and find ways to choose your interest and find ways to start somewhere.

You are young, and there is a life out there. I don't know if I ever will meet someone to be my partner for life. All I know is that the one I trust is God. He has NEVER lied, deceited me, or given up on me. He believed in me and will always believe in me.

These are difficult decisions. Sometimes one has to do what they can do to take care of their kids and give them the best possible life you can give them. If that means working at a job that maybe isn't what you want to do.

Is your H cheating now? Have you been through counseling? Is it the fear of his cheating again that has you so confused or do you feel that the marriage is over.

Sleepless, thank you for your kind words. I hope the pain will vanish--it's certainly awful now.

F4M, I know you are struggling a lot. I've read some of your other posts. I'm sure you can make it through college and on to something good afterwards. Your advice about setting a goal is a good one. I think my first goal needs to be figuring out what I want to do, work-wise. Or maybe that's too big of a goal. Perhaps I should just make calling local colleges to find out some information a little, easily-attainable goal. Frankly, that's about all I feel up to right now. And I think the idea about a support group is also good. Our church has a Divorce Care group which meets each week which I think would be a good start.

Jillybean, you're right about sometimes having to do something you don't want to do. My preference would be to figure out what I would like to do and then pursue it, but finances may dictate that I just have to do whatever I can. I suppose I'll be in a better position to know what to do once I see what kind of CS and alimony I'm looking at. Even if I do feel required to teach, that will take going back to school for a teaching certificate.

Is my husband cheating again? I don't know. I don't think so. However, I just can't trust him any more. He travels for a living, is gone several nights a week, every week. His position is just custom made for cheating, and he refused to do anything about it to help me and the marriage. No considering other careers, not even considering cutting back on the travel. He has no empathy left for my worries and fears, and I have no trust left in him. I remember once reading on this board that Willard Harley said that if his own wife cheated on him, their marriage would be over. I tried to save the marriage for over 2 years, but it seems that its just over.

Sadly,
Rose Red

Rose,

I am in a very similar position. When my H first told me that he was filing for divorce all the thoughts of doom and despair filled my head. My self-confidence went straight down. Every day, as I had to do things on my own, without any help I gained more and more confidence. I chose small, attainable goals to help me boost my own self-esteem and confidence which is now helping me to tackle the larger things.

My advice, start small -- gain momentum and day by day, you will see a small improvement which will give you the ability to try more. Surround yourself with friends that will help you to feel good about yourself and confident that you can do it. My friends at work ALL tell me that I'm a strong person and I can do this, then I tell myself that.

Keep your chin up and focus on the future.

Hope

Rose,

There's a great website. . . .www.flylady.com.
I have her Eleven Commandments posted on my bulletin board at work. It's very motivating and helps you focus on YOU and it's funny!

Hope

I love FlyLady.

I say start small. And do realize the following
1. As a mother, you already developed some great work skills such as the ability to multi-task, immense amounts of patience, leadership skills, and the ability to function in utter chaos with no sleep or positive reinforcement.
2. As a stay-at-home mother, you probably were responsible for the household finances, that means you have a rudimentary understanding of accounting, and understand about money.
3. You’ve probably developed some skills volunteering. Think about them.
4. Even people that have been in outside working world for years, suddenly wake up and say “What do I want to do, really?” You can change career paths at any time. A little less pressure.
5. There are also women’s networks around.

My only other suggestion is to get a good lawyer. You want decent child support and alimony if you can get it. And the better the lawyer to more likely you can pay his/her fees.

You’ll be okay. You won’t end up out on the streets.

Hope4Best, you sound strong and positive! I hope I can get there too, and taking things in small bites will probably help. My husband hasn't been very good for my self-esteem in the past couple of years. "You don't have any friends," "You're not right for this thing you want to do," etc. Not to mention that when your spouse is unfaithful, that is a terrific blow to your self-esteem. Fortunately, my family is very supportive and encouraging. They all tell me that I can handle this, that I can get a job and take care of my children. Of course, I'm used to being alone, since my husband travels so much, so my life on a daily basis hasn't changed that much, and I suppose that's a comfort.

About flylady, yes I'm familiar with her, but I think of her as the clean-your-house lady, not as a boost-your-self-esteem lady. I'll have to check her out again! Thanks for your reply!

Greengables, yes, that just what I'm afraid of: that we'll be out on the streets. My tendancy has always been to jump to a worst-case scenario, and that's the worst I can think of. Realistically, I know this won't happen, since after all, we could go live with my parents rather than starve, but my fears are so great! I'm getting back on my anti-depressant medication, and I hope this will help me.

I also hope my wife/mother skills will help me get some kind of career launched. Today, I'm thinking of getting a teaching certificate so I can teach elementary school. (It's just teenagers I don't think I could deal with.) As for a good lawyer, I'm working on that. I hope the whole thing won't turn into some horrible court battle, however. I'm temporarily giving my husband the benefit of the doubt about supporting the children.

You know, I think my initial reaction was just "NOW IS THE TIME TO PANIC!!" Just the passing of a few days is calming me down. Knowing myself, I'll panic again before it's all over. Probably several times again. But maybe not so badly as now... Thank you for your encouragement!

Rose Red