My wife and I have been married for 5 years. We have a 2 and a half year old son and she is a stay at home wife. She filed for divorce on 11/10/03 and moved in with her parents. For the first month she would not allow me to see my son. I was torn and didn't know what was going on. We had been going to marriage counseling but she just stopped (because I suggested that she go by herself once to open things up more). I emotionally neglected her for most of marriage (choosing to play golf and hang out w/ my buddies). I never wanted to get a divorce so I quit my neglect. But by then I think it was too late. When I tell her I love her she says "I know". When I try to talk to her she says she doesn't wan't to talk about it. I think she may be lying to me (she usaually calls our son at night when I have him, but over new years eve and day she said she was too sick and sad to call. I want to try to work this out but I can't get her to communicate with me. What can I do. I'm a wreck.

Read the Concepts on this site and learn to become the best person you can be to attract her again. She has the memory of your emotional distance, it will take a while for her to trust that you'll actually be around and committed.

What types of things would you suggest doing? I have our son for every visitation, even Wed from 6-8 and she lives an hour and a half a way. I call my son every night at 7 to say goodnight. I wish I could talk to her. I suspect she may have somenone else but I don't know how because she was always at home. Her sister just got a divorce and is going out w/ a man 20 yrs older and I think is giving her a pretty large influence.

You say you're seeing a counselor. Does he/she know you want to try and work on your marriage? One idea to get your wife to start going again would be for the counselor to suggest she go for YOUR BENEFIT (without you). To help the counselor understand ways for you to improve, coming from the one person who lived with him - your wife. That would let her "vent" some too, in a safe environment. (Steve Harley was able to talk to my H this way, LOL.) All this is assuming you're confident in this counselor, of course.

Newly is right, read the articles here on this site. It sounds like you're beginning to get a handle on things. The info at MB may help you understand things better.

So I should ask my counselor to ask her to come in by herself? Just so I understand. I know she has gone back in a few times. We only went together twice and that was basically just her venting on me. Which I totally needed. I didn't even know how lonely she felt when I was out "playing". I quit doing that but then when I was home we would play with our son until he went to bed and then watch TV in different rooms. When I found out her sister was having an affair I told her how that disgusted me and she said I was being unfair to her sister (may have been). I'm afraid that since it has almost been 3 months since she filed I may be running out of time. I have read some things that say to act like I am just moving on but I want her back so bad.

I'm not sure what state you're in so we don't know what timetable you might be under, as each state has its own laws about separation & divorce.

In your first post, you implied she quit going to the counselor. But now it appears she has seen the counselor by herself a few times. I would suggest you going to the counselor...for yourself. Is this counselor pro-marriage? Tell him the things you said in your first post (you love her, see where you've been neglectful, want to make the marriage work, etc.). See what he says. Then POSSIBLY suggest what I said in the second post IF that is what it takes for her to see the counselor again. (It might not be necessary, since she's seen him on her own she might be agreeable to going again.)

I live in Texas. I heard (could be wrong) that the judge can order us to try to go to counseling. Has anyone heard of this? I have already admitted my faults and changed a lot, but now I'm alone.

Why not go to these sites and see what you might be up against? (I'm assuming you haven't seen a lawyer yourself, yet.) Besides, you don't want to wait on the assumption that the court might make you do it. Don't you want to be the initiator in making the marriage work?
Divorce Source
(The above site is good, with state-specific info)

Divorce Net

Divorce Info

I'm sure there are people here who live in TX and could comment further. Hopefully they'll post too.

<small>[ January 06, 2004, 09:06 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

twiz

I, sorry to hear that you have to go through this.

As avondale25 said, make sure the counselor is pro-marriage. The first counselor W and I saw seemed to wake up and be full of information once we started talking about D.

The things that you have read about moving on are also good advice, however, don't make it an "act". You need to work on making yourself a better person to be more desireable to her. Newly has already recomended this.

Don't chase after her begging and pleading, this will just push her further away. I know because that is what happened to me and many others here. Give her her space and don't make her feel pressured for anything.

An analogy that I have read here explains it quite well. Sorry but I don't remember who to credit for it, but think of her as a puppy.

If you want a puppy to come to you, do you chase it? No because if you do it runs the other way. To get a puppy to come to you, you need to find something that you have that interests the puppy.

Make sure you understand the MB concepts and start working on them. Watch out for LB's. They are hard to avoid in the begining but you will learn to get around them.