I spoke to my mother today who informed me that my ex and his mother are upset with me once again. According to my mother, they are upset because I wouldn't take DS on Saturday night because I made plans. I made plans because I had DS two weekends in a row. I am supposed to have him every other week but because I wanted New Years Eve off, I made a deal with ex (Ex's idea)to take the weekend instead. I called ex this afternoon to check on Ds and told him that I rearranged my schedule to go out on Friday night instead so he can go out with his family on Saturday but he told me that won't be necessary and hung up on me. When my family came into town in April, I took DS with me to every restaurant, even to one that did not cater to children. I don't understand why I need to cater to him and drop everything that I am doing so ex is not inconvenienced. My mother apparently sides with them saying "I knew this would happen" and "its only going to be difficult later if you need to rearrange the schedule". Now I'm worried that if I have something that comes up on a day that I have DS and I can't bring DS with me, I am stuck. I am thinking of calling ex and saying that if he makes it difficult for me to rearrange our schedule, I will make it difficult for him and that we should be civil about this. What do you think? Will it make it worse if I do that?

My Boss in the meantime is giving me a deadline of the first week in August to put DS in day care full time. According to my divorce document, ex and I agreed to put DS into day care when he was three. However, he has been going part-time because ex started to work. My mother feels that ex is too young to be in day care full time and that my Boss will have to understand. My Boss has given me a lot of slack and will not give me any more. She feels this is my problem and I need to come back to work full time.

I don't know what to do. I know that ex and his mother will not allow me to put DS into day care full time, not unless I pay for it myself which is what I will probably have to do. My mother thinks that I will have to quit my job but if I do that, I told her I would have to live with them which she wasn't too enthusiastic about.

At this point, I have a feeling that I am going to have to get my Attorney involved again and have letters going back and forth between ex and I because he will not talk to me and every time we talk it turns into an argument.

I don't want to go around anyone's back but if I want to keep my job, I am going to have to put DS into day care full time. The problem with putting him in day care in August is that it is Summer and I will probably have to put him into day camp.

I feel like I have really made a mess of things.

I really need some of this Board's great advice. Did I mess up again?

Hi BabytoLuv,

Not sure I can advise on schedule changes with ex but wanted to, perhaps, offer you a little peace of mind with regard to putting your child in daycare. My son has been in daycare since he was 2-1/2 months old. It is a wonderful setting - private home one street over from ours with 5 other children 3 and younger. He was 2 last October and can count from 1-10, knows all of his colors (red, blue, yellow, orange, green, purple, brown, black and white), he says his ABC's just not in order, and says please and thank you. He has learned wonderful socialization skills including sharing and says "sorry" when he thinks he has hurt you. I pay the woman $175 a week, which is high. If you ask for referrals from other mothers/fathers you might be amazed at what you find and they don't have to be camp settings unless that is what you want. May I ask what city you are in? I am in a large city and, within 3 miles of my house, there are 5 commercial daycare facilities including 3 Montesori schools. With 5 miles, there are 2 very good private schools - one goes from months old to grade 6. The other goes from months old to grade 12. All of these options are less per week than where my son now goes. Many churches also offer daycare. May I ask what city you are in? Perhaps I could help you out.....

Regards,

Brit's Brat/BS-42
FWH-44
DS-2
Status: Divorce pending but perhaps heading toward recovery.

I live in a suburb of Ft. Lauderdale, Florida.

First, regarding schedules, your X like mine will do nothing which he thinks will benefit me, even if it means he sees his son more. Just keep that in mind.
Second, in most divorce decrees there is something called the "Right of First Refusal" which means that if the parent is unable to care for the child, they must first ask the other parent (if the time period is over two hours). I must constantly remind my X of this agreement as he mentions to me that he dropped a child off at his mothers for a day rather than call me. However, in your case, this means that after you ask him and he refuses, you can make alternate arrangements, ie. a babysitter. If funds are tight, find a friend with whom you can trade babysitting, and then stop feeling guilty when you need time to go out. You are an adult and need adult time.
Third, re: daycare, many people do this.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know that ex and his mother will not allow me to put DS into day care full time, not unless I pay for it myself which is what I will probably have to do. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">They are just scaring you with this. Again, most divorce decrees include a note on work-related childcare, and also that the cost is split based upon each parent's ability to pay (ie. if you each make the same amount of money the cost is split 50/50). He can't keep you from putting DS in childcare. He may balk, but he has no legal standing. If he and his mother come to an agreement to have a family member watch DS for free, then you benefit. Otherwise, look into your options, and understand that he will have to pony up his portion of the bill. You may need to get your lawyer involved, but there should be something in your document about daycare - this expense will last until DS is at least 11 YO, so get this issue resolved now.
Now let go, X will say many things on which he has no legal standing and its just to intimidate you. It always worked before, so he thinks it still will. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that you are no longer under his control.