DD6 has been worrying about things lately and wants mom & dad to get back together. I've been using the lines from the divorce books I've read, and they seem to help, but then she asked if we were poor.
I know X tells the kids stories of how poor his family was when he was a kid (middle class) and he cried poor during the divorce. I tried to explain to DD that we are not poor, and that daddy must have money if he's been spending money on fixing up the old house. Daddy has a late model Suburban, a brand new motorcycle, a ski boat, and just bought the girls a two story playhouse.
We are financially OK, even with two houses.
Why would he tell them he's poor? I don't understand this mentality.

Is this something that H told her ? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Maybe it would help if you show show her a little of how poor families suffer . Let her see what she has that others are not fortunate enough to be able to have. Pictures would probably be most usefull at her age

Yes, X tells them that they are poor, yet spends money on himself. Prior to separation, he never bought anything for the girls. I believe he must buy them things now - or his mother does.

Why would someone tell a child that?

The books I read say that you should not tell the children about money problems, to say that these are adult concerns. X never read when married, so I doubt he's read anything on parenting through divorce.

I don't understand why any adult would put any burden of financial concers on a child. When my BIL got D his X used to tell kids stuff like
"you can't watch TV because Daddy is too cheap to pay the Cable bill"

Wether it's true or not, financial concerns should be kept from chidren and no parrent should ever be made out to be the bad guy.

Have you asked H about this?

Newly,

Why would he do that? because they probably asked him for something and he said "No, I can't afford that I'm too poor" and because they see that your ex has more than you do--then you *must* be poor too--

My kids have at some point asked that question as well--I think most do, especially as they get into school and see other kids who wear only the Name brand clothes and such--and make fun of the kids who don't--

You can explain to them that even though no your not "poor" some people do have more money than we do--just as we have more money than some others--

But what does it mean to be poor? Share with them now, that money and things aren't what makes a person rich--it's what's in the heart that makes a person rich--

you could share that even though we don't have as much money as some--we have things money can't buy--and that makes us rich--we have each other,
we have love--

money can buy a house, but it can't buy a home--
(which is what we have--a family who loves and cares for each other)

Money can buy a coat, but it can't buy a warm heart (we have this too)

Money can buy companionship--but it can't buy love
(and oh how I love you kids)

Sure money can buy many things--but it can't buy those things which truly makes one rich--

WishI WereHome,


--When my BIL got D his X used to tell kids stuff like "you can't watch TV because Daddy is too cheap to pay the Cable bill"--

TR--Did they have a TV?? Could they turn it on?? if so they could see this was a lie--just because they couldn't watch all the shows they could before--doesn't mean they couldn't still watch tv-

I had cable turned off for a long time--and they got used to watching the non-cable channels--when we got cable back--they still watched those same shows--cable is a luxury item--not a necessity as so many people to tend beleive--

There is nothing wrong with telling children that you can't afford something, or making them partners in 'budgeting'. It's called training them to make good choices.

If they don't have any experience purchasing, making the best choices as children, and understanding money/financial matters - how can you possibly expect them to make good choices as adults? How will they know where money comes from?

Catch a college student who has always had everything they wanted and is now self supporting if they feel it is fair??? I've listened to a few of them whine because they never realized they couldn't just go buy a pop if they wanted one. The knowledge of *shock budgeting* should not be one they learn at college where they have no backing to help them adjust.

Even small children need to know that money doesn't grow on trees, and if you can't afford to purchase something, that going out and putting it on a credit card or writing a check for it doesn't mean you can afford to do that.

I totally disagree that you should never tell children that you can't afford something. I also believe that telling a child you are *poor* is a major cop out. Budget and financial management is almost always a choice - not lack of available funding ---- even when I was flat broke (I'm not sure this should be past tense) - I had the option of taking a job away from home rather than working at home, and trying to balance my budget on limited funds. It was a choice. I was broke because I was supporting my habits - driving with a vehicle and insurance, living with a healthy diet rather than just the basics, wearing nice clothing rather than hand me downs.

Jan

I’m not sure anyone said you can’t say something is too expensive. I tell my girls that all the time! And comparatively, I’m financially secure. You should hear me go on about how we must take care of our things because we don’t have enough money to replace them if they break.

But that’s different from confiding in children about serious financial issues. I can’t imagine it would do for children to have to worry about whether they’ll have a roof over their heads, or a coat on their backs. The situations where that is inevitable are so sad.

I remember reading an autobiography once. And in it, the author wrote how she never knew how very poor they were because twice a year they gathered up their unwanted things to take them to “the poor.”

Here’s what I try to instill in my children:
1. We’re not rich, but we’re very lucky.
2. We have a responsibility to help care for those less fortunate than us.
3. Saving money is just as important as spending it or even earning it. At least half of all money they receive they must put in their savings account. The other half they may save at home, put in the account or spend.

I agree with the financially responsible comments, but he is (or in the past) has claimed to be poor. Now, this is a man who took the oldest skiing three days last week - with lessons.

A year ago there was a thread about giving children allowances. I still haven't done that, but do believe in financial responsibility.
Amazingly, I am the one who was financially responsible, and the higher earner, so I can't even imagine where X is getting money from these days (unless he hid it from me all this time).

Thank God our house appreciated significantly so that I could afford to get a nice home in an expensive area.