I have been married since I was 19 years old. I began dating my husband when I was 16. We were very much in love and planned to be married "some day". Then I became pregnant and that sped up our plans. Our marriage has been through its ups & downs but mostly, we enjoy each others company, depend on one another & are in love. However, my husband at times, thinks he was cheated out of his youth & that because he really never had any other relationships, or other experiences apart from me, how can he know that this is it. That he is everything he can be and that this relationship is everything it can be. And that having other relationships & experiences (not necessarily sexual), would make him grow as a person in a way that he won't be able to grow with me.<p>This issue comes up maybe once every six-eighteen months in one form or another. I'm so tired of feeling like I'll never have his full commitment to me & that he'll always wonder, what else is out there & if he might be better off without me. <p>Is there anyway to get over this & remain together? or do we have to separate & have a trial period of independence, each choosing for ourselves & making decisions without the other?<p>I hate living with this underlying wonderment.<p>Thoughts are welcome.

Les,<p>I wish I could say something to help but I can't. I just want you to know that you are not alone in this.<p>My H was 27 when I met and married him. He had never lived on his own, only had sex with one other woman and now he feels he missed something --(mostly strange poo-nannie is what I think!)--feels he has missed his chance to be independent. Like working and supporting himself and a family doesn't make you independent. I was 38 when we met and had lived on my own before my first marriage---it wasn't all that it's cracked up to be. <p>I don't know really what to say. I tell him that if being 'independent' was so great, why is everybody trying to find somebody to be with? But if he thinks coming home to an empty, dark apartment is better than being here, how can I hold him there? I can't. Everytime he says he is going to leave, I feel betrayed. I tell him he is not committed to our marriage if that is all he thinks about. <p>All I can say, is keep talking to him, loving him and being there for him. <p>Maybe others who have been thru this can help us.

Don't know if this will help....<p>Why did he marry you in the first place? Is he 'happy' with you? Does he still love you?<p>I have been married three times and divorced twice. The grass is not greener on the other side of whatever you looking over. Yes, different people bring out different qualities in us, but those qualities are already there?<p>Perhaps the two of you should set down and look at your life and say, 'Is there a goal we can accomplish?' 'Is there a goal I can help you with?' Is ther a goal you can help me with?' 'Is ther something that we can do we have not done before?'<p>My wife, with all of our ups and downs is my everything...I am more now than I have ever been, but those qualities were there even when I was married to the other woman....<p>Just my opinion....<p>How long have the two of you been together?

Freddy,<p>Thanks for your post. It touched me.

Hi Leslie,<p>First, let me say I feel so sad for you in that your H isn't providing you with emotional security and support. I can relate quite a bit and it isn't fun. It's like this underlying current of doubt running thru you life and it wears away at you.<p>Secondly, my personal opinion is that the grass is always greener....where you water it! <p>So many people spend so much time seeking after something "out there" that looks great or whatever. If they would just take that same amount of energy and dreaming and put it into their present situation, they wouldn't have to wonder (or wander)!<p>Even if you H was cheated out of his youth (his words), there is no way to ever get that back. You can't go backwards. He's not a youth anymore. You can't "undo" being married. You can't "undo" having a child. So even if you try a trial separation or whatever, he'll never have his youth back. Period.<p>I think a trial separation will only lead to eventual divorce...isn't that what trial separation means..."practicing to be separate"?<p>And, BTW, he wasn't "cheated" out of his youth. He had his "independence" and "chose for himself" his course of action (i.e. to have sex and risk the chance of pregnancy). HE and you made all these choices, not someone else!! And you didn't force him into the life you now lead...he willing chose that path. <p>It's just that now he doesn't want to live with the choices he made.<p>Now it's up to him to face the responsibilities he chose like a man. Sheeeeesh! (Where's Dr. Phil when you need him?!) <p>I wish I could give you some real concrete advice, I just don't know how to change someone with that mindset....just like my STBX. If you could get to a really good counselor, I think that would help. Unfortunately there aren't that many really good counselors out there....most of them these days just tell you what you want to hear.<p>I'll keep you in my prayers.
Aloha,
Ms.O

Les;<p>Dittos to Ms O! That was exactly part of what I wanted to say but didn't have the words for it!

Thanks Freddy, diddallas & Ms. O! It's good to hear other people's perspectives & experiences. I have thought all of the things you all just said & it's reassuring to hear I'm not alone.<p>I think it's a feeling form him that comes & goes & it may come up most often when we've just been spending too much time together. <p>My H just went away for the weekend with a friend & he came back saying the feeling is gone. He wants to be with me more than ever. May be it's a symptom of just needing a little space & we should take it that way rather than having a big "Discussion" about the feeling & what it means, etc...<p>Most of the time, we support each other, love spending time together, enjoy a lot of the same things and are best of friends.<p>Anyway, I appreciate all your thoughts & prayers!<p>Leslie

That's great news, Leslie. I still have two words of advice:<p>1) You need to let him know that the lack of emotional security you feel when he feels like this is NOT good for you. I suspect that one of your top EN is emotional security. (Mine too.) He needs to know this.<p>2) He needs to know that it is perfectly normal to have feelings of ups and downs in marriage. The feeling of love ebbs and flows. It comes and goes. That's normal. He needs to understand this and learn that you don't just act on every ebb and flow of feeling. You have to ride it out, work it thru and soon you'll return to a place of love again. Love is a choice in those circumstances. <p>However, those feeling aren't meant to be ignored...that's when a spouse can get into trouble. He's allowed to feel those feelings; it just may not be appropriate for him to voice them (esp. to you), every time he feels like that. He needs to find another way (ie. thru acknowledging them, maybe thru counseling, etc.) to deal with them.<p>Just my opinion. Hope all continues to go well.<p>Aloha,
Ms.O<p>[ December 04, 2001: Message edited by: Ms.O ]</p>

I tried to post this morning and I just wanted to add one thing to Ms O's...<p>Does he have a chance to have some time to himself once in a while...I know in my case my W and I are tied together at the hip and I would like to have some time to just go and be alone once in a while...<p>Does he have some guys he can hang with....can he take the kids camping occassionally...even you might enjoy the time apart....you could indulge yourself....<p>Just my thoughts

Ok just my experience but i think it justifies airing here for you [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>my X was 19 when we met, he hadnt had much experience at being intimate and was never good at communicating...he would just shut down when i would ask him for honesty [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>after 13 years knowning each other <being committed> and 6 years marriage he started being verbally abusive <could i get him to tell me what was wrong NO><p>i asked him to leave till he had a handle on the abuse and wanted to talk...well he was gone 3 months 20,000 in expenses and another woman <he too wondered what it might be like><p>i URGE you to get together NOW and discuss this heart to heart its not enuff to be content at the moment <p>i got an immediate divorce, there were no children thank goodness<p>i had lost all trust and sexuality for him , and even respect was completeley gone<p>could this have been avoided ..i think so , but i could never get him to talk honestly so i guess our M was flawed
get a grip on whats really wrong as fast as you can<p>try to fix it now and not 13 years later ..am i unhappy NO...i see now that it wasnt a healthy relationhsip, but yours sounds honest<p>get to the bottom of things while you can<p>break a leg [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Just something to make you smile.<p>The grass is always greener on the other side, because thres more bull$#!t over there.<p>God Bless.