I was married 10 years and seperated for 2 before final divorce. so its been like a little over three years I've been on my own. she had OM which drove us apart but, we tried counseling before we got D. Now she has moved on and gotten Married and I can't move on. I don't even think I'm ready for it but I feel so sad and lonely inside and I have a big trust issue to deal with and I'm afraid that if I put my trust back into someone it will happen again because I guess I never seen this coming with my XW because I would of never thought she would do something like that. it just feels like I'm between a rock and a hard spot. I should just give it more time. any suggestions please

Male age 38, married 12/89, together since 12/88
two sons, 3/95, 4/91
d-day 2/02; OM was W's friend
W separated 6/99
W filed for Divorce 6/99; Divorce final 2/02
XW, married 12/03

dean

Putting your trust back into someone is not entirely up to you. They would have to earn your trust.

It doesn't sound like you are ready for a new relationship so I wouldn't worry about that yet.

I can't speak from experience, but going on what I have read here, there will come a time when things get better and you feel you are moving on. Some get to that point quicker that others but every one heals at their own pace.

dean -- I have a similar timeframe. Just completed my divorce and was separated for 2 years prior to that due to affair by my H.

I don't have any sage advice about how you move on. It just takes time and I think it's a couple steps forward and then one back. I do think it's harder when the ex-spouse immediately remarries because it feels to you like she's moved on faster. I think the way to look at that is that they haven't really dealt with the end of the marriage and are just jumping into something new -- it will all come home to roost for them some time in the future.

In the meantime, you just have to do whatever helps you. Talk to friends. Read. Post here. Do some things that you've put off or haven't done for a while that you did when you were younger. I've found a lot of help in taking up skiing again simply because it was something I didn't do much of toward the end of my marriage that I used to enjoy when I was younger. I'm taking lessons (hey, maybe I'll meet a cute ski instructor/not really/I'm not so sure I'm ready to date anyway).

Best to you.

It is hard, we all can pretty much relate. Yes, you may need to give it more time....despite what anyone says, there is no correct timeline for this type of event.

Having said that, I do feel that at some point, you have to give it all up and totally accept what has happened, no matter how shocked you were that it happened. This is, of course, easier said than done, and I imagine, pretty hard where kids are involved.

For me, I went thru several "plateaus" of healing and getting over it. Some took a few months, some a year or more, And I'm still not done. In 2002, I began dating a guy and it didn't work out (too soon and he lied to me about dating others). It was the one thing I feared the most....being lied to again...and yet it happened. And after 3+ years of "recovering" from what my x-H did, that new thing set me back a few plateaus!

And I STILL struggle with feelings like I have no future and "what's the use?" (Lately it's been really bad again with those thoughts...)

It's a process and let no one rush you. But also be aware that time isn't the thing that heals...working thru the issues in your own life is the thing that heals. You can't change what your wife did and how she chose to end the marriage. All you can do is take responsibility for your part of any problems the marriage may have had, work on them for your future relationships, and take one day at a time.

Yes, it sucks to be left in this position....a mid-life crisis that you didn't ask for. Having you world rocked like that is going to affect everything you do in your life. But that's the way it is...that how life is now. It's not fair, it's not fun, but it's a reality. And even tho it's hard, I'd rather face reality than to be stuck in "what might have been" world.

Not to make this too long, but letting go also means forgiving. And while forgiving isn't forgetting or saying that what happened was okay, it is forgiving and it's crucial for healing. I personally don't think you CAN move on without forgiving (and that means the OM as well).

Forgiving puts you in the position of saying "I can only control myself and not others. I will choose how I respond to this [event, new life]. It is not based other's decisions, choices or actions. It's based on my decision to forgive and move on."

Hope that helps....my heart goes out to you. I'm so glad we have this forum....it sure is nice to have a great group of people who can totally understand what you are going thru. Keep coming back here. I do, even after many years, and it helps.

Keep the faith!

<small>[ January 07, 2004, 07:11 PM: Message edited by: Ms.O ]</small>