Well, my H and I have been having been marital problems for over 1 1/2 years. It began w/an affair. Which I thought he ended but learned on Dec 5 (my bday) that it ended for about 2 months then started up again.

I'll spare the details about how I found out.. well my daughter and I moved out and I was ready to file for divorce. I don't want to divorce my H and he does not want to divorce me but what do you do after finding out that the last year of your life has been a lie.

He says he just wants his space to figure out if he doesn't like marriage or if he doesn't like being married to me. He wants to do this and date this woman.

what do you do? I am sad, lonely, confused, scared and feel totally betrayed. Should I file for divorce?

wagnema,
this is exactly like what my ex did to me. So I hope you can learn from my mistakes during that time.
My ex also had an affair, said he didn't want a divorce, moved out to "sort things out" and now they are married.
Anyway, my mistake was to listen to him and focus on helping him feel better and get through the tough time. BIG MISTAKE. Focus on yourself ... if he moves out ... go straight into PLAN B AND WORK IT LIKE IT"S NEVER BEEN WORKED> Remember, even plan B is not a guarentee that it will reconcile itself but it's the best shot you have!!!! Tell him you hear him, you love him, you want to make it work but he has to live with the consequenses of his actions and those being ... if he moves out... NO CONTACT with you except through an attorney and get one ... an attorney. I really believe that if you make this real and hard and show him what he's REALLY asking and that life isn't like that...let him see that when you f#$%-up you suffer the consequences he'll see it in it's real light. The harsh light of the HURT that it causes and even causes him. Don't make this easy on him. Don't be rude or unresonable just tell him if you are to "respect him and his need to find himself" then he is "to respect and understand your need to take care of yourself" because you love him and you are terribly hurt and you are going to take care of yourself. Good luck and my prayers are with you.

wagnema

Renee pretty much said it all. Take a deep breath and think about you and your daughter.

I have not had to deal with an A so I don't know what its like yet. I hope I never do.

In any case you need to take this time to be there for yourself and your daughter. Do something that you both enjoy to make you feel better.

Follow Renee's advice and the advice of others that you will get here and in time things will get better

Welcome to MB, Sorry you have to be here

Thank you Renee and Wish I were home. I am not sure how to do Plan B. What kills me about this whole thing is how awful he talks about her. He says things like I just want to casually date her. Do you think I want to be w/a woman divorced twice w/a 9 yr old kid. You know how image is important to me.

He comes to my house wants to watch movies w/me, have dinner together then goes to her house when I tell him I can't and won't do this because it makes me think we can reconcile.

Logically I get it. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. How do I tell him I love him and want him to come home but also tell him we can have no contact.

Let me ask this.. Is plan B about cutting him off emotionally so he runs to the arms of this woman that will fulfill his needs. And then when reality hits that he will eventually have to be accountable to her he will want to come back?

I am not sure how to do Plan B.
You need to get "Surviving An Affair" by Dr Willard Harley BEFORE you even think about Plan B.

Is plan B about cutting him off emotionally so he runs to the arms of this woman that will fulfill his needs.
Sort of. It's more in cutting off you so you no longer have to deal with his affair and his LBs to you.

And then when reality hits that he will eventually have to be accountable to her he will want to come back?
No. It's so when his afair ends (and it will do so very badly), then you are willing todiscuss reconciliation.

Well plan B is definately taking away part of that cake. The results are going to be different in every case and may not always be what you want. At least it will issolate you from a destructive relationship.

There would have to be no contact on one side or the other. Pretty much you would be telling him "It's me or her" without actually giving him an ultimatum.

He has already expressed that he wants to be away from you so why don't you give him just that. But completely. Not just at his convenience.

Thank you for all of the advice. The most difficult part of all of this.. Is feeling so sad and lonely. And having to come to grips that I have lost the love of my life. I can't imagine ever trusting someone completely and giving my heart to someone else.

which is incredibly pathetic because he has treated me with such disrespect.. why do i even want him back when he has hurt me so badly? Is this normal?

My friends and family try to give great support and advice. But it always is about getting over him, getting out there meeting new people, casually dating. what i want is to have my husband and i in love again. and no one understands why i would want this.

what i want is to have my husband and i in love again. and no one understands why i would want this
What are we, chopped liver?!?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Most of us here understand exactly that.
It's not easy and you need to tell these people (females, correct?) who think they are "supporting" you, "thanks, but that's not the advice I'm looking for, I just need a shoulder to cry on."
that you need to deal with this, not them.
They are not the ones who have to get over him, you do.
Read the links below.

<small>[ January 07, 2004, 02:19 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

I got lots of advice from family also

Don't let her do that to you!
It's your house too, you shouldn't leave!
If she wants out let her leave!

All kinds of stuff like that.
The only ones who understood are the ones who have been through it.
The people that understand what it means to try to keep your W and kids happy at all costs.
The people that understand that an agressive approach does not solve anything.
The people like the ones who give advice here.

Read Chris's links. They can be very helpfull.

wagnema,
Plan B is about taking care of yourself and your child in a very difficult time. It is also about letting the cold, hard facts of your husbands actions kick him in the behind. Be prepared for an initial reaction of defience from him ... it is a normal reaction and put in place as an emotional protector for him. But, when he sees that taking up with another woman outside of your marriage for whatever reason is not acceptable behavior because it hurts you, your child, and your family he will have some pretty hard choices to make and it will fall entirely on his shoulders.
Like I said, I ONLY wish I had done this. I was so afraid that my ex would RUN to her for comfort that I didn't realize I was EASING him or helping him to make an EASY TRANSITION out our door. I truly believe that if he had heard that door close behind him with a loud BANG it would have been much, much harder for him to divorce.
It is no guarentee, but if there is a shot, a chance at all of saving the marriage it really is your best shot.
Why do we let the ones we love the most hurt us so? We would never accept this behavior from friends or even other family members.
Yes, I know so well your loneliness and fear. But taking care of yourself can only help that and God forbide the worst ... help you heal much, much faster and set you on a path to healing your heart and YES, you will love again and much stronger and wiser. Be that with your husband when this is over or not.
Get a good therapist but don't continue with anyone or anything right now that makes YOU feel uncomfortable. Any advise that you get now if it is sincere and meant to help you will focus on love and understanding and taking good care of yourself without a judgemental attitude about your situation. Stay clear of that right now if it means changing therapist, avoiding seemingly well meaning family or friends, Do little things for yourself and daughter ... extra things you both like and don't often treat yourself too. And know that you will hurt, you will cry, you will feel confused and totally lost and like the rug has been pulled our from under your life but know that like with all GRIEF it is a process with a beginning a middle and eventually an end. I speak form similar experience, while it or no situation is identical ... hurt and loniless is ... I healed ... and you will too. But it's up to you and gathering up enough will and gumption to allow yourself to.
I am so sorry you are here. But use the folks here and read the material suggested. Educate yourself, take care of yourself, and know that you are not alone.