Hello there all, well... here I am. I think this whole thing has about come full circle. I started over on the En board in September, wondering how to get my emotionally detached wife back to the marriage. Soon after, I moved over to the JFO board as I found out there was an affair going on with nieghbor (emotional at first followed by physical). Once i went to plan B, I moved over to the GQII board until finally I get served with D papers and find myself here.
Funny thing that happens through all the months and pain... i find myself having gone through a complete full circle of emotions as well. I went from devestation, to extreme pain and agony, fear of losing her and being alone, love, hate, regret, hope, hopelessness, guilt.... the list goes on and on. I'm sure every person here has felt the same. At this point in time, I feel a sense of relief. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, I feel a sense of excitement at the possibility of new beginings. I didn't choose to be in this place, she had the affair, she walked out on me and the kids, she filed for divorce. I have played defense the entire time, the game is nearly over and I am ok with that. The only part that really still bothers me (every day like a dagger stright through the heart) is the effect that this will have and is having on our kids. There is NOTHING I can or could do to protect them from all of this... and all that this will do to them in years to come. As a parent, that is the most painful thing of all. That aspect will haunt me for the rest of my life. They didn't ask for this, they have no say in what is happening to them. They are so innocent and helpless and I have failed to protect them from this.
Ok, dwelling on things I can't change... not why I'm here. I guess the reason for me to be posting this is that I found myself sitting in my attorney's office yesterday morning signing the response to the petition for divorce. I felt this overwhelming sense of relief, liberation as it were. The end is in sight. I'm filled with more questions than I can bring to the front of my mind in one sitting (especially while I should be working... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ). Also, I would like to know from others who have traveled this path, where you fight and fight and try like hell to hold on but in the end it all slips away, how does life ever get back to "normal"? I understand that normal is nothing like what it used to be... but how do you juggle everything and have any sense of normalcy to life? When is it ok to start keeping company with other women? I'm not refering to sex or commited relationships (it will be awhile for that)... but woman friends, dating, dinner, conversation, company, cuddling (..yuk...but I miss it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> ), stuff like that. When is that ok? How do you square that with kids? Mine are 4 and 2 and I don't think they really understand all of this. I am the pillar of stability for them and don't want to screw that up. I already am tired of being alone at night... but with the kids and all... i just don't know where or when it is ok to get back into the swing of things (again... not sex... see explanation above).
Anyway, this is getting kind of long and my boss has walked by twice now... so i will end this by welcoming advice from ANYBODY who has been here or is currently in this spot. What are the pitfalls? What made/makes you feel better? What do you all do to make your kids comfortable? What about moving on with the opposite sex? moving on with life in general?
Anyway, I guess I ought to change my display name... as I don't think I really want her back at all...true character revealed and all. Thanks for reading all of this rambling post... advice is welcome.
Ryan
<small>[ January 07, 2004, 01:58 PM: Message edited by: Want My Wife Back??? ]</small>
