We have been dating infrequently since 9-2001. She stated she was in love with me in 10-2001, and I am nowhere near that. I told her it is inpossible for her to see me as "the man of her dreams" so soon. For me, there are problems blocking that advancement. She has a multi-generational family history of alcoholism. She needs about 4 medications for her mental disorders for the last 10 years. She lies to me. Without the medicines she can be awake for 3 days. She says she is anxiety disorder-depression. I have seen her drink 3-4 tumbler sized pina coladas on a near empty stomach, on 2 separate occasions, without her even getting a buzz. I believe she is possibly an alcoholic. She is a workaholic (she works 7 days a week). She has never gone on a vacation just for fun. I want kid[s], eventually. She does not, and I can not see having kid[s] with her, at least not presently. She wants to work on our relationship using information from this site. I told her this site is for married people, and we are just dating. I am hanging in there because I believe alot of her problems come from her , unexplored, unresolved childhood exposure to alcohol abuse, and the chaos she must have endured, but is unwilling to try to resolve. Any thoughts on this from anyone?<p>I thank you for the comments you have written. I have since discussed many issues with her to show her our incompatibilities using relationship books as a spring board for discussion. Since she told me of this site, I hoped she would see herself and others unbiased views as well. I believe I have brought her in for a soft landing, with little damage done. We are no more. She called on Christmas and we wished each other well. Again, thanks to all.<p>[ December 26, 2001: Message edited by: Not in Love, at least not yet ]</p>

Dear NIL,<p>This site is really for anyone who has had, has or will ever have a relationship with another human being...so I think you have come to the right place.<p>I applaud the fact that you are wise enough to consider these things BEFORE marriage...my H was a habitual liar and I ignored it and married him anyway. It has caused us no end of grief. <p>Don't be pressured into anything is my advice but if you love her, try to make a go of your relationship. <p>I recommend individual as well as couple therapy...I think you are probably right about her having many issues that need to be dealt with.<p>Please write back and let us know how it's going. You sound as if you have a good, level-head on your shoulders!

My initial reaction to your thread is to suggest that you invest in a new pair of running shoes and use them. That you conveniently lose her telephone number and not hear her telephone messages. <p>She sounds like bad news and she wants to happen to you. <p>But those aren't words you would enjoy hearing. So I am going to echo the sentiments just posted by diddallas. Without counseling, I don't think a healthy relationship with this woman is likely.<p>Sorry I don't sound supportive and cheerful today. This just seems like a no-win situation to me and I would advise you to not get suckered in by this woman. Boy, do I wish I could have seen in my early 20s the things I now see in my x's family of origin.

I must admit my first response was the same as Cindy's...but sometimes when you love someone, your brain can't be heard over the pounding of your heart. but...<p>I don't think that's the case here and it appears that you want out of this 'relationship'...so as Cindy said, "Run, Forest, run!"

Run.<p>The mere fact that you disagree on having children is enough reason. Even if she changes her mind, I can't imagine what kind of a mother the woman you describe could ever be, counseling or not. <p>That may sound harsh, but distracting yourself from your problems, whether with booze, work, or whatever is a complete approach to life - it's not just going to go away with a bit of talking and self awareness. It will take her many years to rid herself of her demons, and even if she might be successful, it will be a very bumpy ride.<p>You've been seeing her a mere four months during which you've learned she has serious mental disorders and is a alcoholic workaholic who doesn't want children. Sounds to me like the information gathering phase of the dating process has worked, the results are not acceptable, and understandably you have not fallen in love. <p>Don't resist the obvious next step of the dating process. Leave based on what you've learned, and start dating someone else. Everything isn't supposed to become forever for a reason!<p>***I am hanging in there because I believe a lot of her problems come from her unexplored, unresolved childhood exposure to alcohol abuse, and the chaos she must have endured, but is unwilling to try to resolve.***<p>Read your sentence again, with emphasis on the "unwilling to try to resolve". Hello?<p>I read elsewhere on this site that you should never date someone who has more problems than you! Seems like a cold approach in one way, but a wise one in another. If you have that old "fixer" mentality where you appreciate feeling needed by the needy people you take care of, just stop it. You won't have your needs met and will be sucked dry - what's the point?<p>I believe people are either empty or full. Empty people look for a relationship to fill their emptiness, are needy takers, and don't realize any resulting relationship will never really work because they are simply not happy with themselves. <p>Full people are perfectly content with themselves, aren't lonely, have a good social life, a network of friends, outside interests and hobbies, and don't "need" a relationship in any regard to be happy or fulfilled - because they are complete themselves. However, because they have so much to give, they may choose to "want" a relationship, and a relationship between two full people is very likely to work.<p>Go out and find yourself someone "full" to date!<p>Good luck to you!<p>gobyfish [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>P.S. - IMHO, people who fall "in love" so quickly are simply empty people who are experiencing great relief at having some of their neediness filled. They are not actually feeling love, they are simply feeling great appreciation of the person who has given them such relief.<p>For example, think of a painting that you "love". You don't really love it as in are committed to it, to its welfare, etc., you simply appreciate the way it makes you feel, right?<p>[ December 26, 2001: Message edited by: gobyfish ]</p>