Hi All:

Been a while. Life has been like a roller coaster with no waiting lines. I continue to stand for my marriage. Over the last months, I was involved in a relationship with a wonderful woman. However, I decided to end it because my heart just wouldn`t let me give up on my x-wife. Regardless of the end result, I have resolved to continue my stand.

I want to share a concept which has helped me very much. Maybe it can help you too.

Picture a 2 x 2 matrix. The vertical axis represents "degree of own personal healing". The horizontal axis represents "marriage reconciliation".

Created are four quadrants:

Lower left: No healing, no reconciliation
Lower right: No healing, reconciliation
Upper left: Healing, no reconciliation
Upper Right: Healing, reconciliation

I presented this matrix recently to my x-wife and it led to one of the best discussions we have ever had.

I asked her in which quadrant she wants to be. She replied that she wants to be and remain in the upper left quadrant, but that she from time to time slips back into the lower left.

I told her that I too want to be in the upper left, but that I too often slip into the lower left; and that I also have "fantasies" of eventually getting to the upper right´with her. I put no pressure on her that we should hop quickly to the upper right. I let her know that, in my view, the first priority should be that we each heal ourselves. I asked her to help me keep myself planted firmly in the upper left.

The lower left is characterized by feelings of guilt, mistrust, bitterness, regret, low-esteem, and lack of forgiveness. I suggest that we
(all of us at MB seeking reconcilation and a long lasting relationship; and that`s why most of us are here) cannot get to the upper right via the lower right. We must first pass through the upper left. That is the key. One must heal themselves before having something valuable to give to a relationship.

The recent discussion with my x-wife (with the aid of this matrix) was very, very positive. It led her to verbalize many healing words. She told me that she now forgives me for breaking my marriage vows, that she thinks I am a good person, that she believes that I would be faithful to her in a new marriage, that I can be trusted, and that she believes I have learned a great deal from this crisis. WOW!!

This was all so very nice to hear from her. With no implied pressure, I then asked her what she thinks is preventing us from eventually moving to the upper right, to reconciliation. She simply replied that "she loves her boyfriend" ....... Ok, I guess you can`t have everything.

Despite her statement, I feel as if good progress was made between us. I feel relieved to know that she is healing; away from mistrust, bitterness and inability to forgive. We both agreed to help each other stay in the upper left.

Now I need some advice and I will try to explain this as best as I can.

Since my wife moved out last February, other than the few odd stayovers at their mothers, my children have been with me. This has allowed my x-wife to pursue the relationship with her boyfriend trouble free. To this date, the boyfriend has never met the children and this has been going on for more than 18 months!! He has no idea about the pain our children have been experiencing. In a sense, I have been giving my wife free hands at a lifestyle which encourages her relationship.

Q:
Should I now insist that the children be with her half the time in the hope that it would bring reality back to her life? In my opinion, she is much more likely to realize the benefits of being a family again once she takes a stab at single motherhood. Indeed, our post divorce lifestyle has not been single fatherhood and single motherhood. Rather it has been single fatherhood and a single dating woman.

My dilemma is that I would really miss the children. The children also far prefer to hang their hats at my home. If I just keep the status quo though, I am afraid nothing will change. What do you think? I don`t want to be calculating and manipulative, nor is it my intent to use the children as "pawns in my master plan", but I do feel that some changes have to be made. And she will not see the light unless something is forced upon her. I am not asking for anything unfair. The status quo has been that I pay for everything and the children stay with me. Is this fair?

After this recent discussion of ours, I realize that the only barrier left to our reconciliation is this boyfriend of hers. If somehow she could see that this relationship of hers is not likely to succeed long term, then I think she might be willing to return. She will not see this though until this guy backs off. And why should he back off when he has her 100% wrapped around his finger. When he realizes that that he will eventually have to share her with two pre-teenagers, I think he will back off. Of course, I do not know this for sure, but it seems logical.

Any advice or comments would be very welcome!


Thinking and Still Standing in Finland