My marriage is over and I have nailed the coffin shut. I have been with my spouse nearly 17 years. We have 4 children 13 and younger.
Drugs have been a problem for me my entire adult life. For years I was able to stay away from the drugs and commited to do so in the future. About 15 mos ago my W and I had an argument. I had trouble getting back on track after the first instance and repeated the horror story 3 more times. There is no excuse for this no matter how I felt. This argument had been building up from years of unforgiveness, disresepct, and a resentment. I am without any defense for my actions and accept full responsibility for them. I will do everything in my power to avoid this ever happening again no matter what happens. I like how things have worked out over the years but of course things will never be the same.
In the early years of our marriage things were good. After the children came along the nature of our relationship changed. I began to focus on improving the family lifestyle by seeking income and education while she focused on being a mom. She wanted me to be her equal helper. We never came up with a plan to deal with this. Resentment began about this time. We both saw things differently. I felt that the more children we had the more I needed to focus on making money while she wanted me to be a superdad. I have been a good father over the past few years and doing it naturally. In the beginning I just did not know how. I have come from an emotionally crippled family. She saw this as a rejection not as someone struggling with something I knew nothing about. She has told me several times to this day that she resents this deeply. Years had gone by and no progress was made in communication. We began to disrespect and hurt each other in several ways. I began to feel less and less of a man around her. She of course felt unloved and neglected. Arguments and day to day living has drained both of us. We have so much but we have so little. My wife wants me to leave the home. I have violated her trust to a point of no return. My W is a good and loving person. She will go the extra mile for you if she can. I just did not know how to nuture her goodness. I Would say to those men that read this that first of all if you have any dirt in your life come clean. The bible is true! Repent and be free. Make God first in your life. Secondly I would say that get to know what it means to Love, genuinely honor and cherish a woman. Guys she is not you and she will never be. Treat her with the respect and honor she deserves. And couples most of all communicate with each other regularlly without confrontation but honest and candid conversation. We could never do that and it has caused me to go over edge and destroy any hope. We are probalbly not going to do counseling as she is just plain exhausted. I will give her what she wants. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Welcome to MB. Sorry you are here, but it is a great place to be. You will get lots of support and advice here.

I wasn't really clear what happened after your argument. Please give more details.

Also be sure to read up on all the information here. It will really help you deal with all of this. It sounds like you have figured out the important things. Good luck and hang in there.

believer
I must have left that line out. To answer what happened I ran into some street people and did C all night.
Should I grant her wish and leave? I have no place to go.

<small>[ January 10, 2004, 06:28 PM: Message edited by: meytonb ]</small>

Well that is not so bad. I thought you beat her up or something. Don't leave. Tell her you want to work on marriage and still love her. In the meantime, keep reading here. You should start in Plan A. You need to meet all of her emotional needs. Also I hope the drugs are out of your life. They need to be. I have lots of friends that used C and it is a one-way trip to hell.

In the meantime, keep reading here. Things can be completely turned around. You probably won't believe it, but it happens every day.

Thanks for the support. I really feel bad about what has happened. I have dropped the drugs and know I can stay sober. I must practice what I have learned to keep this from happening again. How can I begin to meet her needs now when she is not receptive. I have the capacity in me to meet her needs but I am feeling like she will just continue with her plan. Where do I begin?She has all of her family in her corner and close by while I have no one to support me.

sorry I posted the same thing twice

<small>[ January 10, 2004, 07:06 PM: Message edited by: meytonb ]</small>

I have been clean and sober for 11 years, thanks to my higher power, Jesus Christ. He will help you too. Just turn your life over to him.

Also if your W is exhausted, you need to act quickly. Can you write her a letter telling of your feelings, just like in your first post? Would she be interested in reading the material here? Also if all this happened 15 months ago, what has been happening in the meantime?

Stick with us here. We can help you.

I need to clarify. The 4 instances happened in a pattern of once every 3 mos or so. The last one was in October 03. I have been giving her cards expressing how I feel and also putting in them my own appolgies and feelings. She is really expecting something to happen any day now with this. I don't think so this time!

<small>[ January 10, 2004, 07:28 PM: Message edited by: meytonb ]</small>

Do you mean she is expecting you to use again?

Yes she is expecting that to happen.

<small>[ January 10, 2004, 07:55 PM: Message edited by: meytonb ]</small>

Okay - that will be easy. Can you get in a 12-step program? I understand that C is so powerful. People that do it think everything is fine, while their whole life falls apart. I really believe that it is the worst drug, even worse than heroin. Thank God I never got on it. I have seen several friends lose everything.

Your wife is probably terrified because of the changes in you. What you need to do is get in some kind of a program to reassure her. The Lord can take this burden from you. I know, I am living proof. What you need to realize is that while you may have no control, He can keep you away from this destruction.

Please keep posting here. I have a lot of hope for your marriage.

You are right. I have been in several NA meetings but did not work the plan completely. I will be there tomorrow as well as be in the Lord's house tomorrow where I should have stayed. I lacked the courage to be the person he has been nudging me to be for so long. Maybe it was he who removed the "protection" from me to get me to a place of humility. Some might read this and say "Oh so now you are spiritual" but the truth is that I have never stopped believing. I just want her to give the time to prove myself again that I am a decent person

You are right. I have been in several NA meetings but did not work the plan completely. I will be there tomorrow as well as be in the Lord's house tomorrow where I should have stayed. I lacked the courage to be the person he has been nudging me to be for so long. Maybe it was he who removed the "protection" from me to get me to a place of humility. Some might read this and say "Oh so now you are spiritual" but the truth is that I have never stopped believing. I just want her to give the time to prove myself again that I am a decent person

That will be a good start. Also start reading some of the material here. You can learn all about making a better marriage. The program here works.

Also keep posting and you will get good support and lots of advice.