Hello,

I first posted on Just Found Out at the end of December. Here's my basic situation: Me, BS, 33; H is 35; OW is 22 & lives w/ parents; we've been together 5 years, but just married this past April. The affair started as an EA a few months after we were married and is now a PA. No children.

I could use a little advice and some kind words. Last night I was home alone while my H was out w/ his mistress. I think she even called the house first before he left. I keep thinking about him being with her and what they're doing while I'm home doing laundry & dishes and crying. It's not just the affair and the lies that are bothering me, it that he seeems to hate me now, especially since I revealed the affair, and he is so mean to me. He says he wants to be divorced and wouldn't want to be married to someone who "would do that" (reveal the affair). He also tells his friends and family lies about me that make me sound like I'm a terrible person and that I'm the one having affairs (not true). My family is deceased except a few relatives who live far away. I don't think I have ever felt so alone and so unloved or unlovable.

He is pushing for divorce and won't even talk to me. He won't even let me use the car to get groceries or pick up the drycleaning (we only have one car because we just moved to the suburbs). I'm looking for an apt. because I can't afford the house on my own. I asked my H to move out for a while while I look for a place, but he won't do that.

When I do see him, I'm both angry and heartbroken for what he's done to "us." I loved him so much. I think he will move his mistress into our house when I leave because she still lives at home w/ her parents - and that just breaks my heart even more. I had already chosen which room would be the nursery and I even put up curtains for it. We had agreed that at the end of this year, if he was secure in his job, we would start trying to have a baby and I would quit my job. I even started taking vitamins w/ folic acid and drinking less caffeine. Now someone else will be living in my house, sleeping in my bed and having my H's children, and I am facing a future of being alone and probably never having children.

I really don't know if I will ever feel OK again. Here's my questions: (1) what do I do now with regard to my H; and (2) how do I heal from this? There is a lot on this board and in the book about healing from an affair when your spouse is sorry and wants to work on the marriage, but how do you heal when your spouse won't even apologize, seems proud of it and actually laughs about it in front of you, and the marriage is over without any hope? What do I do now? How can I get my H to stop hating me? How will I ever heal from the pain and if I do, how will I ever trust anyone again?

I know that obvious advice is to take care of myself and focus on building my life again, but that is so much easier said than done. I'm not even at the point of doing that and I don't know how to get there. I'm usually a very goal-oriented, hardworking person, but I just can't get back on my feet again after all that's happened.

Can anyone tell me how to recover from this? I'm afraid of losing my job. It's also just affecting my health (I've lost a lot of weight and I was thin to begin with). Yes, I'm seeing a therapist for depression and taking an anti-depressant, and I'm trying to eat well and I've gone to my regular Dr for a check-up. Unfortunately, the emotional pain just seems to get worse and I'm at a loss.

Can anyone tell me what to do and how to recover? I know there are people who have gone through worse situations. For the past 2 months I've been crying at my desk and falling apart on the job. (Yes, I've taken some time off and they know, but patience is running low.) I really, really don't know how to heal a broken heart and live again.

Im sorry for your pain. I know all too well the fellings you are having. I was married for 26 years. My ex was also very cruel. I too have no family close by. My parents are dead and my close brother lives 2000 miles away. I too almost lost my job when I found the extent of his deceit. I was a mess emotionally and physically.

I do have 4 children who have supported me through everything though. Ex's cruelty and lies have lost him his children.

You need to find some support. In New Jersey there are groups for divorce support and some nites are legal nites where you can ask any q's for free. A church family is a good place to find support and they were (and continue to be) so wonderful in helping me get through everything.

My ex's girlfriend is young enough to be his daughter (she is only a couple years older than my oldest son). My ex is continuing to fall apart and is still in a downward spiral.

With a lot of prayer and support I have only improved myself. I am back in college full time while working full time . This has been a long journey though. I had 26 years of a dysfunctional marriage. We were seperated 10/02 and divorce hearing was 10/03
Do you regularly attend church? That is a good place to start. As your therapist if there are divorce recovery groups in your area.

Let me know how you are doing. You can email me if you wish.

Smiles,
Dawn

<small>[ August 30, 2004, 09:01 PM: Message edited by: sunrise1 ]</small>

Dawn,

Thank you for responding. I used to attend church regularly, but I haven't attended much since I started dating my H who does not want to go to church. I have searched for some divorce support groups and I found a DivorceCare group in NYC. I will probably attend that since I work in NY and I will be getting an apartment there. It's difficult for me to go anywhere in NJ because I'm not allowed to use the car that I helped pay for until now.

I have been praying -- and praying and praying. I have also been leaning on my friends a lot, but I don't think they understand what it's like to go through this. My only sister lives on the opposite coast, and many of my good friends don't live in this area either. (I moved here to be w/ my H.) My parents are also deceased.

I would very much like to be where you are now. To feel as though I've taken the pain and grief as an opportunity to better myself and my life. I know it won't happen all at once. I'm just having a hard time putting one foot in front of the other and just getting started.

I will keep praying and keep leaning on my friends (if they're not too tired of me already). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Also, my H and I are still living in the same house for a while. What should I do or say when he is mean to me or when he talks about what he's doing outside the marriage? I just don't know what to say or do around him. The last couple of days I tried being cold and standing up for myself a little, but it's just not who I am and it makes me feel bad (even though I know that most people would tell him off by now).

Anyway, I appreciate your time and advice. Thank you.

C

Good advice from Dawn. My experience is similar although I have a child. My x moved OW into our former dream home a year ago almost. Since then, she's trapped him by getting deliberately preggo for second time outta wedlock (didn't get first guy to marry her though). And she is ten years younger than my x. She's 25.

My x is/was very very cruel. Now he is trying to be very wierd and I just stay away from him. Last week since new year, I turn off my IM even now periodically so he won't be able to contact me at all. Yea, it's hard but he is in the fog. I still do not go into that driveway at all and usually don't come over to my old house except for once or maybe twice a year. And I know what it's like to have the nursery all planned. And now OW is going to give birth to a child and put that child in that room. Ouch. But it's what it is. And she is in for a life of lies and deceit and already knows it. Your h's mistress will know that too. And it's sad.

But you've got to detach. I say get a lawyer now. You can still do a plan A and B from same house, but legally protect yourself. And did my xh lie about me to relatives and any friends? Sure. He said several lies. My favorite was that "I was seeing a psychiatrist and was legally insane." Reality check: one month after he claimed that I was elected prez of my state med. society and my counselor said I was perfectly fine and couldn't believe how sane I really was..Next big lie: "We just grew apart." He actually told two guys that dated girlfriends of mine that story. I said this.."Sure we grew apart..That's what happens when your husband sleeps around." And his family knows all to well but can't seem to get outta the fog either as he signs his parents' paycheck. He's their boss.

So you know now that they will lie. I mean, why would a WS tell the truth? There is a Divorcebusting saying to believe only about 50% of what you hear and see from the WS. Keep that in mind. And the lie that they are really happy? They are in a hormonal fog right now. Sounds like the girls' parents are in a fog too. What parent would encourage their daughter to continue seeing a married guy still living under same roof with his wife? Geez.

When reality sets in it will be different. Outta the frying pan into the fire. For example, with me, my x has jumped immediately outta one marriage with his child into a relationship with one child on the way. HE had little playboy time and deep down is still wanting to be that playboy, if he were really honest. He's a player. He's all about that lifestyle. OW is a golddigger and trying to tame him. Well if this girl couldn't tame my x, then even Seigfried or Roy couldn't stand a chance taming the wild beast that is my x. OW doesn't stand a chance. And ironically, it's me who should be living la vida loca, but I am not that way. My son comes first. I honor my faith.

What to do? Legal counsel immediately. I think nobody should get the house. My opinion though. Split it up. Make it harder on him. He wants you out? Are you the one who had the affair? I only left b/c my x pushed me down in front of my child and hurt me physically after last D day. I would advise anybody where there is no physical cruelty to stay. Lawyers will tell you to do that. If not, he could get you for desertion. Remain there. But put up boundaries. And do a call block for OW's phone number so she can't call the house. Make it hard for her. File a RO if you have to if she has continually called house and you feel it's harassment. I say do an impeccable plan A but remember the core principles of it. And also let the affair cat outta the bag. Call OW's parents and tell them if you have to. They are probably being told lies from him too. OW may be young and naive. I remember this b/c I was living at home with my parents when I first started dating Jethro. I was 24. Young, outta college, broke, and naive as to the way some men just are. I bought his poop hook, line, and sinker. If it's too good to be true, then it always is..Some WS are like sharks..they smell blood. Especially if their prey is naive, younger, or has some kind of adversity. They prey on that. My x found perfect prey but the predator has now turned out to be OW prey in the end...

OW is probably being lied to just as much so understand that. If you contact her parents, be kind and understanding. They might at first see you as a wacked out wife trying to get her h back at all costs instead of clearing the air.

I suggest you post also on plan A and B for good advice. When I want to see how others handle things, I look there.