I have recovered miracluously but I have a very effective spiritual program so I credit God's healing power that got me to where I am today.

You asked me about my spiritual program but I use that term to describe my walk with God. My walk began 26 yrs ago....There are many spiritual encounters and experiences but I have chosen a daily reliance and relationship with God through my faith in Jesus Christ. I am a Christian and a disciple of Jesus. My spiritual "program" consists of a daily time with God, reading His word, praying, seeking His wisdom and then doing what He shows me. In fact, I try to practice His prescence all day (which is hard thing to do) Do you know Jesus as your personal Savior? That of course was my first step in recovery from many other things in my past.

If you have a Bible, look up John 8:31-32. The truth sets us free. I am a truth-seeker and a very introspective person. I feel that I have sought God through thick and thin and he provided every healing step in my recovery. My healing from the A began with this site.....there is much of God's wisdom here coming through those effected by infidelity. I have read many of the books mentioned here (Surviving an Affair, Suviving Infidelity, Town Asunder) All of this insight gave me understanding and showed me the truth along the way. I have been involved in some great Bible Studies like Breaking Free with Beth Moore. I was helped tremendously by Dr Phil's book, Self Matters and now I am reading Purpose Driven Life. As I read and learn, I question God and converse with God (the best I can since He is an invisible God). He has provided healing through these avenues. I also went to the elders of my church for them to anoint me with oil and pray for emotional healing. One very big step in my healing was that God impressed upon me that I had to forgive my WS and OW----that I did early on and I have no resentment or residual bitterness. Only some sadness remains but I guess that is understandable.

Whatever I learn or hear, I run it by God and use the filter of the Holy Spirit to find His purpose for my life. I think if you read Purpose Driven Life you will get a better uderstanding of the spiritual program I am talking about.

Hope this helps----and I hope you grow to understand that God is talking to you through the passages of His word and you need to tell Him everything. If you want to know the truth and want His help in healing, there are millions of promises that He will help. One promise that comes to mind is Psalm 34:18---"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" But you have to admit you are brokenhearted and you have to seek God's help.

TW

Tossedwave,

Thank you for the response. I am a Christian, raised as a Lutheran, but I have to admit that over the years my faith has been shaken. To make a long story short, my mother passed away when I was 5 1/2 and I lived in three different abusive homes (and I don't use that term lightly) until I moved out to live on my own at the age of 17. I have tried to maintain my faith and relationship with God through prayer and occasionally reading the bible (not every day, I'll admit). I've also worked very hard to build a decent life for myself - I put myself through school (I have a doctorate degree) and I work hard at my job. The thing I wanted the most in life was to finally have a "home" - a place where I felt loved, happy and safe. I wanted to raise a family and give them the kind of home that I never had - a place filled with love and peace - one where children and grandchildren looked forward to visiting as often as possible. I thought that I could have that with my H, but I guess it just wasn't meant to be for me. I feel abandoned and unable to connect with God, and I know that it's no one's fault but my own. I will keep praying and reading and hopefully things will get better.

Thanks for the information.

cmj---I am so sorry that you have had so much pain and heartache to deal with throughout your life. What is the story with your H? and why are you on these boards?

It is very hard to connect with another person or God if you have never known how to and if you have never experienced trust. But there is hope....God is a healer and mender and He loves you more than you could ever know.

I was brought up in an alcoholic home and there was nothing normal, peaceful, happy or safe about it. I can relate to some of what you are feeling. No one was overtly abusive but the choas, suppression of feelings, fear and endless insecurity effected me so negatively. I, too, have longed for a family, a place to belong and someone to just love me for who I am so I married an alcoholic. (go figure)

I started my journey with God over 25 yrs ago and he has helped me recover from my background and I have grown out of some very destructive patterns. I have discovered that God is the ONLY One that can love me for who I am (shortcomings and all). He knows me better than I know myself....and that amazes me. I am the most happy and peaceful when I rest in God's deep love for me but I cannot always accept it.

I ask you again-----have you ever personally asked Jesus to come into your lfe and to be your personal Savior?

I will pray for you and would love to talk to you more about your faith and what is causing you such heartache right now.

TW