My H has been unwilling to forgive me since d-day, he asked for our separation at that time, asked me to move out 2 months later, wanted 3 months no contact between us following that, and then for over a year, he went through a pattern of only being willing to spend time with me if it was in private at my place or his, with sex seeming to be the main goal for him.

I finally woke up to the fact that he would never again value me as a human being, and would only view me as the WS that hurt him so much and who therefore only deserved to be treated like a second class citizen, who should hurt, hurt and hurt some more for her wrong doings, oh, and give him all the time in the world to figure out what he wants, all the while he continues his "friendship" with another woman, that was a definite EA during our marriage, and I'm fairly sure turned to more during our separation. Oh, and he doesn't owe me honesty, only I owe him honesty, etc.

Time for a divorce I decided once in June, then got guilted into stopping it all. Time for a divorce I decided again in late Sept., but again got guilted into letting things drag on. Nov. 20th, I'd had enough (the more things stay the same, the more they stay the same) and had my lawyer finally send my H the documents for the division of our matrimonial property (step 1 towards a divorce where I live in Alberta).

He got my hopes up a bit that he was finally going to be cooperative by taking out a loan for the amount he'd have to pay me because he owes me for 1/2 of our house equity (I'm letting him live in our house of broken dreams). Then it took him 4 weeks to respond to the papers, only to point out an error in the year of his vehicle.....more delay.

Then Christmas holidays came, me, my H, and my lawyer all took vacation time and were out of town. This week he emailed my lawyer (wow, he's not contacted me in nearly a month now), and he's said that he won't budge until I return our photo albums to him, and is also falsely claiming that there are letters from his deceased father in them (when I know full well where he keeps those kinds of things - in his shoebox full of sentimal letters and cards in his office).

He wasn't capable of forgiving me and loving me wholeheartedly again once I cheated on him. He said he wanted a divorce from d-day - he said he wanted to be separated for a year so we could go ahead with a divorce (rather than getting one on the basis of adultery so as not to embarrass me or him on public record). HOWEVER, I've had to be the one to get the legal ball rolling on the divorce. I had to be the one to go to a lawyer to start proceedings. If he had his way, I'd wait another 6 months to go ahead with the divorce (he said exactly this in mid-December). It makes no sense to me, if he doesn't want me in his life, doesn't have it in him to treat me well, doesn't want to really work at our marriage, and doesn't want to live as husband and wife, why would he seem so intent on delaying the divorce? Why not get it over with move on already? Anyone have a clue??? I just want my $$ from the house so I can move on with my life, and get a nice place to live (he's living in our 1400 sq ft home, I'm stuck in a 800 sq ft apt).

I think he's stalling for a few possible reasons:
1 - more time to save up money
2 - he maybe hopes to still get some more sex out of me, easier done if he plays on my hopes for marital recovery
3 - he doesn't want to make a commitment to his EA (PA?) woman, and that's easier to not do if he's still technically married
4 - he's a chicken, a man who doesn't know how to deal with or face change, and much prefers to stay knee deep in the familiar

Do any of you have any other guesses?

(Thanks if you read this far!)

Jen <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ January 12, 2004, 08:44 AM: Message edited by: Jen Brown ]</small>

Control & fear of change.
He can't control you, or punish you if you are no longer his wife.
If you've filed, the courts should force dates to push it along. get your lawyer involved.
PS, he should not be contacting your lawyer.

Oh I should have seen that nerly, you hit the nail on the head, he is VERY much about control.

Just curious, why should he not be contacting my lawyer? (I figured it was better than him phoning me and getting into my head again.)

Here's the thing, either we amicably do this as the division of matrimonial property is already written, or we have to go through the courts and a process of "financial disclosure" with firm deadlines, and a likelihood of increasing legal fees for both of us.

Incidentally, I'm also fairly sure he has no lawyer....I guess I need to ask my lawyer about how we can speed things up with some deadlines.

Thanks,

Jen

If you want him to contact your lawyer, that's OK. However, you are getting charged each time your STBX calls your lawyer. If he had a lawyer, they should be contacting your lawyer. Yes, it adds to the fees, but then he'd be paying for legal advice.

In our state, the courts set dates for a 4 way between the lawyers & clients, then an early settlement panel to discuss unresolved issues, then a 4 way with the judge to see what's holding everything up. Only if these actions don't accomplish anything will they then schedule a trial - which no on ever wants.
Keep on your lawyer to maintain deadlines.

Controlling people rarely want to give up.

Hi Jen,

Reading your post was like reading the last year of my life, I too am from Alberta and my spouses father passed away this year as well - very ironic. Your situation sounds very similar to my own. My H has not been able to forgive me since my d-day. At the time he said he needed time and still wanted to work things out - however whenever a problem arose between us he ALWAYS said it was because of my affair. I tried very hard at first to gain back his trust, I did everything I could to fulfill his emotional needs but during this time none of mine were being met. He has belittled me, called me just about every name in the book and I still wanted to make it work. I kind of became like a submissive dog who got kicked and kicked and finally I bit back! I finally started standing up for myself again and when he realized that he no longer had the control over me, he filed - 5 days before Xmas. He was hoping that I would come running back to him begging him to stop the proceedings. Filing for divorce was his way once again at trying to manipulate me. I totally can relate to the he doesn't owe me honestly only I owe him honestly bit. I have just found out that my H has not been honest with me about quite a few things and I called him on it - his answer,it was because I lied to him first so it was justified for him.

I do not understand totally why they try and prolong the divorce. If we are such horrible people why wouldn't they want us out of their lives? I think it is just another grasp at trying to control us. I have done everything required in the "Notice to Disclose" that was served to me. I had one served back to him and he hasn't completed any of it. One minute he wants to work it out - the next he feels this D is the best thing.

I am not sure how he has been able to prolong it for so long. I know when I was served my papers, I had to obtain legal counsel right away or I would have been found in default. Hopefully your lawyer will be able to give you some insight on timelines.

I wish you the best of luck with everything. This has been one of the hardest things I have ever endured but I feel that I can finally have the happiness I deserve.

mixed message

Oops, I realized I didn't post any info about myself.

WS(me)32
H 31 - has 1 son(14) previous marriage
we have 2 DD (1) & (5)
Married 12/31/1997
d-day June 2003
D paper filed 12/20/03

Well, I e-mailed my lawyer today and said the following: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The more I think about it, the more annoyed I am getting with my husband for his lack of efficient response to everything. I think he will do everything in his power to stall and delay the divorce (for whatever reasons only he seems to understand).

November 20th is when you sent him the Div. of Mat. Property documents, and then it took him a month to let you know that the year of his car was wrong. Now its been nearly another month and he's nattering on about photo albums. Is there a way we can set some deadlines and force him to get in contact with a lawyer and sign off on those documents? (I'm fairly certain he still doesn't have a lawyer - maybe you can ask him who his lawyer is in your next communication with him.)
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hopefully, she'll get back to me soon. My computer shows that she read the email this morning, but no reply arrived today.

Instead, I got an email from my H at work, he forwarded me a copy of the email he sent my lawyer, as if he felt she may not let me know what he emailed her about or something.

Mixed message - I found it very interesting to read your post(s). The similarities in our H's behaviour is startling! When we sit back and see how important their ability to control us is to them, it sort of makes me think, "No wonder we had affairs, we were rebelling against their overly controlling nature" (perhaps)!

I almost went the "notice to disclose" route (I had a hunch my H had more $$ than he was letting on), but I preferred to agree on who gets what on our own (reach an amicable agreement), rather than go through the hassle and time (which costs more money) involved in forcing my H to go through the full financial disclosure (not to mention the fact that it would make things between us completely hostile, as he sees that route as me "suing" him, and going against our original separation agreement).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have done everything required in the "Notice to Disclose" that was served to me. I had one served back to him and he hasn't completed any of it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This makes me feel like there aren't any steadfast deadlines no matter what route we take.....did your lawyer say there was a deadline for him to complete it?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know when I was served my papers, I had to obtain legal counsel right away or I would have been found in default.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you recall what exactly it means if someone is found "in default", and what would happen next? In my lawyer's last letter to my H, she said "We would also ask that you or your solicitor advise us whether you wish to be noted in default, or whether your solicitor will be filing a Demand of Notice with respect to the divorce documentation."

I wish you the best of luck with everything too, and hope that your spouse wakes up and gets moving with his end of things finally too. We both deserve happiness in this life, even if we did make a tragic and hurtful mistake at one time.

If you care to e-mail or MSN to compare our tediously slow legal proceedings here in good 'ol Alberta, my hotmail address is: daisybabe73@hotmail.com

Jen

Jen, Even though I'm the BS, I've always related to your situation because after my H left to move in with MOW over 3 years ago, he tried to turn the tables and blame his behavior on his false claim that I was still in love with a man I dated over 25 years ago; in essence, trying to accuse me of cheating on him.

Although he's still living with the MOW and hasn't had contact with me for over 1.5 years, he is still stalling the DV proceedings in various ways, such as not showing up for a deposition in November that was rescheduled for this Thursday.

I think all of your reasons could be correct, or none. I've spent the past 3 years trying to figure out my WH and I've finally just realized that I probably never will and what difference would it make anyway?

I know that detachment from my marriage is a process. I'm well on my way, but nothing, not a finalized divorce or a complete psychological understanding of my WH, will speed it up. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and walking through this situation that I did everything in my power to prevent.

Someone in an Al-Anon mtg. I attended last week said, "REJECTION IS GOD'S PROTECTION," and I've been hanging on to that ever since.

"Rejection is God's protection" - I like that one! Thanks for sharing it.

Indeed, a finalized divorce doesn't finalize our feelings for the other person by any means.

I ended up emailing with my H today and we've agreed that I will give him some of the photo albums and all of our videos, and he will leave me with some photo albums, and we'll trade once I've found the time to scan the ones I have (he'll give me copies of all of the videos in return for a digital copy of the photos he's leaving with me). I am doing this so that he'll get "the cheque" to my lawyer already. He claims he's meeting with his lawyer tomorrow finally, but I'll believe it when I see it.

So now I have to go choose which of the albums I'm going to let him have and clean up my apt. so Mr. Can't-say-anthing-nice doesn't have anything to criticize.

So this is a solution that seems to be a step towards things moving along finally, but I'm not wild about having to swap albums and videos with him down the road in couple months. It's like one last little hook he has in me, but if that little hook makes him feel good about having an ounce of control left and gets my my equity cheque from the house sooner, so be it!

Oh, and I talked with my lawyer. If he doesn't get the cheque to her by the end of the week, she's going to give him an ultimatum to get it to him by next Friday or all deals are off. Hopefully this will work, not get his back up.

Jen

<small>[ January 13, 2004, 05:34 PM: Message edited by: Jen Brown ]</small>