STBXW has not worked in years. She is a SAHM with our 4 children.

I have been staying with relative for over 4 months since she told me she wanted D.

Since I left, I have been living on very limitted money so she can continue to survive in our house w/kids.

With no sign of the fog lifting, I need to prepare to move on with my life. I can not afford a place of my own without making things harder on her and the kids. We had agreed to sell our house so we could go our seperate ways but she keeps changing her mind and wants to stay there with the kids.

Last night she asked me how much money she would need to make to be able to stay in the house. She plans on trying to find a job at the begining of next school year.

We were supposed to be preparing our house to sell now. I cannot continue living the way I am untill next Sept.

If she wants to stay in the house and won't sell it, what should I be doing about my income so that I can start with my life?

How can we figure out a fair financial distribution between us?

If I keep enough of my pay for me to live on my own, she has to get a job now or sell the house before the bank takes it.

I need to do something and don't want to hurt her or the kids in the process.

I don't know how some people survive financially.
I know that some divorce books suggest that SAHM's do NOT find a job until after the D, that way it could not be included in support.
So the advice she is probably getting is counter to your wish for a fair settlement.

Is there equity in the home? If so, it may be possible that you give her your portion of equity in lieu of some alimony payments.
Also, what are her employment prospects? Is she college educated and can easily find a job, or will she have an hourly wage? If the latter, she may qualify for low income programs for housing and for food, so that you may be able to keep some more of your money. But then you'll have childcare expenses too.

You really need to ask her what her intentions are, and have really researched what your options are. With 4 kids, you will need a three bedroom apartment in order to have space for everyone for your parenting times. Look in the paper to see the range of rents for this type of home.
Lots of questions you need to ask.

Newly,
Thanks for the advice. Your right I do have lots of questions. I'm just not sure who to ask them to yet.

I don't think W is getting any advice yet but I feel that anything I do to give myself more money to survive is just taking away from them.

Maybe thats what I need to do. Show her a little more of what the life she wants is going to be like. Nothing has changed for her yet other than me not being there.

WishI Were Home:

This is uncanny. I think you have stolen my identity and taken a strange name. Our situations are strangely similar:

- Wife and I have 4 children
- I have been living with relatives or in relatives houses (house-sitting for an aunt of mine now) for about 5 months,
- I pay just about all the bills
- Nothing is changed for my wife, except that I am not there (she has the best of both worlds)
- I know we are going to have to sell the house when I move out of here in April
- I never want to hurt my wife and children. I consider sacrificing my well-being as the right thing so I can never be accused of abandoning them
- My wife's fog is nowhere near lifting.

Let's talk more.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by WishI WereHome:
<strong> STBXW has not worked in years. She is a SAHM with our 4 children.

I have been staying with relative for over 4 months since she told me she wanted D.

Since I left, I have been living on very limitted money so she can continue to survive in our house w/kids.

With no sign of the fog lifting, I need to prepare to move on with my life. I can not afford a place of my own without making things harder on her and the kids. We had agreed to sell our house so we could go our seperate ways but she keeps changing her mind and wants to stay there with the kids.

Last night she asked me how much money she would need to make to be able to stay in the house. She plans on trying to find a job at the begining of next school year.

We were supposed to be preparing our house to sell now. I cannot continue living the way I am untill next Sept.

If she wants to stay in the house and won't sell it, what should I be doing about my income so that I can start with my life?

How can we figure out a fair financial distribution between us?

If I keep enough of my pay for me to live on my own, she has to get a job now or sell the house before the bank takes it.

I need to do something and don't want to hurt her or the kids in the process. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Dear Wishiwerehome,
I do not mean to sound cruel and would never want to make it seem like I would want you to do something to hurt your children.. but I am a SAHM and my WS tried to have his cake and eat it too.

If she wants to have a life w/another man than she should've left the home and found a place to live on her own. She wants a new life then she needs to go out and build a new life with her own money, own place to live etc.

what state do you live in? what are you marriage laws? each state varies.. but if it is a community property state then you have a way out of this and many more options than you think.
I do not know where you are at in terms of lawyrs etc. But much of the information you need can be found on the internet.

In addition, if you two have yet to file or have already filed.. to cut-down on attorney fees and to be sure each of you are treated fairly first see a mediator. the mediator can help divide things equally and come up with solutions. Then b/f you sign ANYTHING hire an attorney to review the documents.

Just a thought. I am now in the anger phase of this whole thing so I am a little fired up.. I hope I did not overstep my bounds. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

wagnema,

Your not overstepping any bounds. I always welcome any comments, opinions or advice.

I actually even said to her that she should leave if she wants out

BUT!

W did not want to start new life w/OM. She just didn't want to continue with me. There was nothing real bad about our M. Just the whole in love thing.

Her leaving would have just uprooted our kids as well. I don't have the availability to care for them on my own and they need to be with their Mother not in day care.

As I said, she is looking to build her own life, she just isn't in a rush about it and she wants to do it with whatever money she can get out of me and what she can make working on her own.

Anything that I do that impacts her life also has a direct impact on our children. I know I shouldn't feel like it would be my fault but I don't want to disrupt thier lives any more than neccessary.


SBNS

The funny thing is, we're not alone. Lots of stories here sound like me talking to myself
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> This is uncanny. I think you have stolen my identity and taken a strange name. Our situations are strangely similar:

- Wife and I have 4 children
.....me 4 girls 3,5,8,10
- I have been living with relatives or in relatives houses (house-sitting for an aunt of mine now) for about 5 months,
.....me grandmother 4 1/2 months
- I pay just about all the bills
.....me direct deposit into joint account, I get allowance
- Nothing is changed for my wife, except that I am not there (she has the best of both worlds)
.....me same thing
- I know we are going to have to sell the house when I move out of here in April
.....me W and I have agreed on this but she keeps changing her mind
- I never want to hurt my wife and children. I consider sacrificing my well-being as the right thing so I can never be accused of abandoning them
.....me I'm not worried about the abandoning thing. I still have a great relationship with all of them. I just don't want kids lives disrupted more than they are and don't want to LB
- My wife's fog is nowhere near lifting.
.....Me some days I get the feeling that it may be a little. Had a good conversation with her on the phone last night. Trying to get MC going again

Let's talk more.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">