My wife admitted to having an affair with a coworker 2 days after Christmas. I had suspected for a month but didn't confront cuz her folks visited for Christmas. The day they left we talked.She got a new job(apt.mgr.) beginning of Oct. Everything was bliss(I thought)no warning. We own our own home so I never met her employees. He is one of the maintenance guys. Divorced,2kids. My wife is beautiful and was apparently available. She had an affair 9yrs ago with a friend that lasted 3mnths,we got back together,got counseling. I got a new job, we moved 400miles away. Exactly 1yr later she left me again for him.It lasted 4mnths,we got back together,no counseling.I got another new job.We moved 2000miles away. For 7.5yrs everything was bliss to a point.Bought our first home.No kids. We tried invetro but she miscarried Feb.2003. Didn't get counseling for this,tried to just move on. In Oct.and Nov. I was to busy hunting to see any signs of an affair.I returned after a hunting trip 24th of Nov. and she wasn't the same woman.I asked if she cheated and she answered guiltily "NO,have you?" Our relationship went downhill. She wouldn't talk, I wrote long letters. She'd get home from work late.She didn't want me at her company Christmas party. All the signs were there.I looked at her cell bill saw no signs for Oct.-Nov 24th. After she admitted to me of the affair the next cell bill came in.From the 29th of Nov. til 25 Dec. there were 60-80 calls and text messages for her lover.She wanted a divorce and was moving into an apartment that was the 27th. The 29th I saw a lawyer and started the filing.Idaho is fast it'll only take 5weeks. Her last week at home I had read Love must be Tough by Dr.J.Dobson. Until then I never pleaded,begged or cried. So I continued that.But we talked of being friends and me working on her 2 vehicles she is keeping. I've rescinded the offer of working on her autos. Since I seem to be in Plan B now she calls me sometime to just say hi. Last night she had to go to our church to do finance stuff (financial secretary). She called me as she left the church on her way to her apt. just to say hi. Was it her guilt of seeing our place of worship? Or are prayers being answered? We would've been married 13yrs.Feb.16th.I've informed her parents and lots of friends.She hadn't confided in a single person about her affair. Everyone including our Pastor is floored. We seemed to have a fantastic marriage. Our Pastor thought the world of her.I don't plan on informing her boss,he doesn't know me nor I him. But the affair is out to all those who have the most influence.I didn't meet her Emot.needs. I see that now. I am open to reconciliation. I told her the door will never be locked. But now I am trying to show her I'm moving on. Refinancing home,taking all bills, not contacting her. I love her w/all my being.With our history should I move on?Yes I'm a passive person, she is aggressive.So I let her walk all over me before.So she had the impression when things weren't right she did it again.
Is this too long? I'll stop. So much to say.

Welcome, and sorry you have to be here.

And yours was just the right length. You got in much of the important information.

Just because she’s been wayward more than once doesn’t mean you have to throw in the towel. You’d be entirely justified if you did, but you don’t have to. And if you don’t, you aren’t stupid, blind or anything else your friends and family may call you.

If you want her back, if you want for both of you to be in love and happily married to each other for the rest of your lives, you need a coach. Call either the Harley’s or Penny at www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com. Or someone else who offers a structured plan for recovery from infidelity.

It’s probably too soon to be in Plan B which is no contact. Plan A is the good foundation which allows Plan B to work. Plan A is to demonstrate that you can provide a safe, Love Buster free, environment and can meet your spouse’s emotional needs. That’s what plan A is. Demonstrate change. And usually, that’s enough with women.

About the miscarriage, was it a late miscarriage? How traumatic was it for her? It sounds like neither of you got the support you probably needed. Could this have proved a trigger?

Statistics show that the death of a child increases the likelihood that people will divorce. Blame, misdirected anger, and just associating the spouse with the pain of the death of the child all play a role. BUT, you can fight that through support groups and using the MB principles.

Good luck. We’re here to support you. And the EN forum is great for quick and plentiful responses. J

Thanks for the reply. The miscarriage was very early she was only "chemically" pregnant for 10 days. We recieved the news on our 12th anniversary. I'll have to re-read plan A,plan B topic. She is already moved out(3 days ago). She spent 2 weeks packing and getting her apt. ready. She even spent new years eve and most of new years day away from home. I gave her grief for packing an overnite bag for that saying that it was disrespectful to me. But her answer was that "did you ever think that maybe I didn't want to come home?!?"
To me it sounds like she is madly in love with this other fellow. He makes her feel things she never felt for me, she told me that.She doesn't want me in her life. But she is still the one that calls just to say hi. It is either guilt or she has her doubts about divorcing me. I don't know. While she was still here the last two weeks I tried to show her that I am the man capable of fullfilling her Emot.needs. Without looking pathetic I tried, didn't seem to work. She wants him as her lover yet she says she still wants to be friends.Is she crazy? Of course I agreed to it at the time. But she can't have her cake and ice cream too! So confusing.

You need to focus on yourself and move on with your life. Pretending to be friends while she is having an affair with another man will only make you look like a doormat. Investing more of your life with a wife who has had more than one affair is IMO a waste of time. Get off this emotional rollercoaster ride and stop allowing this woman to continue hurting you.

wow,been posting/reading on plan a/plan b. Also been reading SAA.The problems we had years ago that lead to her affairs were never addressed.Leaving a situation for her to be once again vulnerable.The thing that I believed that pushed her to the edge was our inability to have a child.She felt no intimacy so why continue to be in this marriage.So I don't think at this time I should get off this rollercoaster and move on without her.For us to have lasted almost 13yrs she must have felt a great deal of love for me to stick it out this long.I hope and pray every day for the fog to lift.

Go to Dr. Shirley Glass's website for advice on whether to throw in the towel or not. GG is right. It is not necessarily the case, that you should divorce her. The key is whether she has remorse for her misdeeds....and whay she is doing about it and your marriage.