I'm kind of lost right now and feel like I've been in an 16 month long boxing match. After being married for 4 years, my wife came home one day in total despair. She told me that she had been unhappy with our marriage for a long time and that she had just been pretending to be happy. She told me I hadn't given her enough attention and time over the years. And alot of times, I wasn't tired at night and just needed some time alone to be in peace to veg out so I would goto bed later than she would. This had a big affect on her feelings over time and she finally opened up to me when she was at a breaking point and ready to call it quits. I was in total love with her and was stunned. She said she needed some time away from me to figure out what she wanted to do. I tried to tell her how much I loved her, that I was sorry, and didn't realize how much I had been neglecting her. That only made her more angry and she started spending every night away from me and said she was going over to a girlfriend's house 5 of 7 nights a week leaving me to take care of our 2 young daugthers. This went on for several weeks.

Later I found out that a close male friend of hers was going through a divorce so I started having suspicious about what she was doing and where she was going at night. I started questioning her about whether she was hanging out with this guy outside of work. She repeatedly said "no". Then one night I came home from work before going to a league bowling match and this guy was over for dinner. At that point, I knew she had been lying to me. I talked to him and asked him to backoff of the situation and said her and I wouldn't have a chance as long as he was in the picture. He didn't back down and said she was a good friend of his and it was her decision to have him over. She asked him to leave. I was crushed and asked her to stop hanging out with him. She said I couldn't control who she's friends with and she asked for a divorce. She moved out and filed for divorce. I was heartbroken. I begged her to give herself more time but she wasn't willing. All I could do was let her go. She said she didn't want anything to do with me. We went through mediation and our divorce was final in April of 2003.

But something strange happened a week before the divorce, she came over to pick our daugthers up one day and just sat their and cried. She asked me if I wanted the divorce. I told her no. She asked if I could ever forgive her for the things she had done. She asked me if I wanted to work it out with her. I told her she put me through alot and I needed time to think about it. She said okay. We talked for 4 more hours. She called me a short while after she left and asked me if I had made a decision. I told her I was going to follow my heart which is to work on things with her but I wanted to at least sleep on it. She said okay. She called me back 30 minutes later and said forget it. Said she loved her boyfriend and only wanted to get back with me to be with the kids more. I told her I loved her and wanted to work things out with her. She said "no". I talked to her the next day and she told me her boyfriend found out that she had asked me to come back and basically he talked her out of it telling her that I didn't really love her and didn't want to be with her. She said she was going to take some space to think about what she wanted. 2 days later she said she wanted the divorce. I tried to talk her out of it but she said "no". The divorce took place and I was crushed.

2 months later she emailed me to tell me she would be marrying this guy in a month. I was still in love with her and couldn't believe it. A week later she emailed again and said she changed her mind about marrying him and that it was to big of a step. A few days later she asked me to work things out with her. This time I said "yes". We started hanging out again and taking breaks together at work. 3 weeks later she told me she didn't have any feeling for me, loved this other guy, and didn't want to work it out after all. I was heart broken again but still loved her. A christian friend of mine sat down with her and talked to her the next day. She set her straight on a few things and some of the things she told my ex really hit home. A few days later she asked me to work it out again and wrote me a 14 page saying she had been making wrong decisions for so long and was being guided by a bad influence...her boyfriend. She also wrote that she she loved me, she would make it a life-long goal to leave the door open for us to get back together, and that the divorce never should have happened. She asked me to move in with her and told me she wanted to get remarried again. We began dating again and things went pretty wonderfully. We talked about things that went on over the last several months. She said she had always considered me her husband, and that no one could ever fill the role of me being her husband. She told me she divorced me because she convinced herself that I didn't love her anymore. She said when she asked me to work on things a week before the divorce, and I took time to think it over, she took that as rejection.

Anyway, I moved in with her in late August. She had a beautiful home with a huge back yard. We got along pretty well for the most partand the kids were so happy that we were together again. But a month after I moved in. I started seeing a change in her. She bacame quite distant from me and started talking about missing her ex-boyfriend alot. My insecurities started to grow again everytime she talked about her ex-boyfriend. 2 months after I had moved in, she came home one day and said she wasn't happy with how things were going and said she didn't think she could ever be secure enough with me to be in a relationship with me.

I was very hurt. She told me she didn't have any feelings for me and said that she only wanted to try to work things out to be with our kids more. We were intimate 5 or 6 times in the 4 months we tried to reconcile. She referenced the letter she had wrote a few months before and said she put in the letter that once we both felt that snuggling wasn't enough at night, we could advance to the next level. She said she hadn't been ready any of the times we were intimate and said she only did it because she thought it was good for our relationship even though she wasn't ready. She said I knew she wasn't ready because that is what she wrote in the letter a few months back. I told her I didn't have any idea she wasn't ready for sex. She even initiated things a few times. Her being intimate with me only led me to believe that she had genuine feelings for me and that she was comfortable with it and wanted it. But in the end, she resented me for asking her for sex. In looking back, I rememberd, I started getting frustrated at times when she would not want sex. She would make up an excuse...headache, it's too late, stomach ache, etc... and I would believe her. But I started opening up to her and told her the rejection hurt sometimes.

She also said that she asked for space, and there I was going to bed with her every night. I was confused and said that is what you wanted more of in the marriage. Anyway, I moved out right away because I knew she was in pain, and I was in pain as well. Later I found out from my pastor that she feared that I would fall out of love with her again, and she thought I was going to leave her. I feared she would do the same. So instead of asking me about it she decided to pull the plug on us to potentially protect herself from getting hurt by me. She started bringing up the times that I rejected her back when we first began dating and on through our marriage. And she brought up her ex boyfriend and said this guy has always worshipped her, and that I've always rejected her.

She's told me and our pastor that she doesn't ever want to work it out with me. My heart was crushed again and I moved out in mid-November. Shortly after, I found out she's hanging out with this other guy again. And recently, I've seen them at work together. So this rollercoaster of emotions continues. I've realized she is afraid to be alone. And as soon as she loses security with whoever she's with, whether it be with me, or him, she'll end the relationship and jump over to the other guy.

We're divorced but I am still in love with her, but she continues to backout of her committments and I'm just not sure that I can allow my heart to be pummelled anymore. She says she finished with me but that's what she told me a year ago. Then she changed her mind several times. I don't want it to be over for us but right now I don't have a choice and the only thing I can do is to get comfortable being alone again, get to know God again, put it in his hands, and heal from all the pain than I've felt for so long. I haven't spoken to her about us in 2 months. We only discuss the girls when we talk. Thanks for listening.

WOW.

Thats some ride.

Have you read about plan B. If your not ready to give up, read all you can here.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> the only thing I can do is to get comfortable being alone again, get to know God again, put it in his hands, and heal from all the pain than I've felt for so long.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't just be comfortable, try to make something good out of it for yourself