My wife and I have been married for six years, we have been together for eleven. We became best of friends when we met, that later developed into a relationship,which was great.We now have a wonderful baby boy of fifteen months who we both very much adore.Our problems started about eighteen months ago when we started to have at least what I thought were just everday couple problems.About three month later my sister inlaw who had just ended a long relationship needed a place to stay. So my wife and I thought it would be great to have a family member watch our son and at the same time help her out until she could get back on her feet.Well soon after, things in our marriage started to decline quickly. My wife and I became more distant and at the same time my sister inlaw became a more powerful entity in our home. We began to see a marriage counselor who immediatly told both of us that my sister inlaw had to leave our home or we could not expect to repair our problems. We both realized it but I left up to my wife to do it, which never came. So again, things started to get heated during arguments, which were just about always, about my sister inlaw, not always just most of the time. I guess loking back, I then entered into a very deep depression where my wife and I could not communicate at all,and when we argued it became at least I realize now, abusive on my part until one day I grabbed my wife by the shoulders and shook her. I began to think that maybe my wife had planned this the whole time, to move my sister inlaw in and move me out of my home and away from my family slowly. So when I would get home from work at night I just did not say anything and just zoned out waching TV or playing with our son.My wife tried to search for an apartment for my sister inlaw but I thought it was not hard enough. Later on we had another fight where I found my self so fraustrated that during the course of the arguement I pushed my wife away from me physically. After this incident my wife by her choice ended our intimacy which I respected. Things then took a turn for the worse. About seven months later which was ten days ago, we got into an arguement about her sister again, which took a turn for the worse. I could never understand why my wife had such a problem with me, especially since I don't drink or abuse substances, I don't stay out at night and I don't womanize. I just did not realize because of my depression that I was actually mentally torturing her with my lack of response in our marriage.On this particular Sunday we began to argue about something involving her sister. We started out by trying to ridicule eachother on certain things in our house hold that we feel the other should be doing and not her sister. After that, the names and the vulgarity mostly on my part began. I subsequently lost all of my sences and grabbed my wife by the neck and began to shout " is this what kind of man you want" I knew what I was doing, but my wife did not and I scared her thinking I could do harm to her. No matter what the situation was and the way I could not cope with the stress of the situation at hand, my wife did not diserve what I did to her, I realize this now, I also threatened her. The police were called and because there were no injuries or complaints from my wife, they told me to stay somewhere else for the night. The next morning after spending the night in a hotel, I returned home to change for work and found that my wife changed all the locks in the house and refused to talk to me which considering the circumstances I understood her reaction. Our marriage councilor called my wife to arrange some sort of meeting between the two of us but her sister answered the phone and told him she no longer requires his services and that she will be going to a domestic violence councilor for direction. I spoke to my wife one time after this and she explained that they had told her she should not see me or talk to me. She also explained she did not want a divorse but that she does not know what our future holds. For twelve days I have cried a thousand times on reliving the situation that led to this and I am ashamed and discussed in the manner I treated my wife. I have called the domestic violence center and I have made an appointment for myself on counciling that I will need. I know it will be along time that I can prove to my wife that I don't pose a threat to her, hopefully through counciling one day I can.I just hope I have not destroyed the love she had for me to perhaps someday rebuild our marriage. She did nothing to deserve what I did and I know that. I now live with a friend and visit my son with no problem from my wife. We still donot speak, only through e-mail we communicate about our son. We are also seeking guidance seperately, by the church. I look at the irony in this that I brought my sister inlaw in to our home mainly so she might have a place to stay and about a year later I am out of my home and my sister inlaw is living there.I hope my wife can see that our marriage is worth saving. I miss our son, and realize, since my son was born we have never been a family in the true sence as husband and wife and our son. Please help me. I miss my wife and love her so much.

Two words-anger management. What happens when you get so mad you 'don't' know what you're doing?
I would be scared, too.<p>I think the sil is probably whispering to the W that she doesn't need you. I think she will have to go but at this juncture, you are in no position to make any demands. <p>I think there is a chance but it will probably take a while to gain your wife's trust and faith again. You must be patient. Try to keep her going to counseling with you. And try to get her away from the house--take her to the park, dinner, somewhere neutral that she will feel safe--and talk to her. Ask her to listen to her heart-not other people. Let her know that you are sincere and will do anything to repair what you have torn.<p>Good luck. Please keep us updated. We're here for you 24/7--remember that.

I'd say arrange for your meetings to be supervised at the councelling center. As well as the visits with you son. This will create a safe environment for your wife knowing that she won't have to be alone with you. But the person overseeing the meetings doesn't sit there and listen. They set at the other end of the room giving you some semblance of privacy. Joint counselling would be good to if she'll go for it. But now tell her you don't want to be alone with her because you don't trust yourself with your emotions yet. Your on the right road for yourself. Stay there. But sooner or later our wife will have to chose between her sister and you. So work on loving her into chosing you. Don't demand a decision yet. Now isn't the time. The councellors can tell you when that time comes.

Oh, Jerry! GOOD ANSWER!!!!

Thank you all very much for you input, it really helps me cope with the situation at hand. I must tell you that I have never been violent before and at the time, I had an enormous amount of anxiety built up in me. This is what I must find out for myself, in counseling.

I'm glad you are going to counseling. You don't seen too ready to accept responsibility for your own actions. You can't blame your wife or sister-in-law for your current problems. You are the only one responsibile for your violence. Pushing, shaking, grabbing are acts of violence. You took the situation from 1 problem (your relationship problems that surfaced when your sil moved in) to 2 problems (you committed several acts of violence against your wife). Your wife can't be rushed into feeling safe with you just so that you can then blame all your problems on your sil.<p>The fact that having your sil live in you home could cause problems between you and your wife in the first place is the problem. What I mean is, you need to build a "hedge" around your marriage. You have to protect it like it's a fort. If someone can come in and stir up trouble, you've got some holes in your hedge.

I have accepted fully on what I have done, and because my acknowledging this I am in counceling. I am the only one to have blame on this situation. And of course over, I'm sure a very long time, I could move forward, hopefully with my family.

I disagree with Linbap...I think you have taken responsibility and done the right thing by removing yourself from the home until you've gotten some help. I know it was hard to call the domestic violence place and I applaud your courage. <p>Keep praying and working on it. I think it's the best thing.

Thank you very much, it means alot. I am really trying my best to do right for me and then hopefully my family.

Diddallas: He said the police were called and instead of going to jail, he was allowed to stay somewhere else for the night and when he got home, the locks were changed. It sounds like someone else removed him from the house...

I am in a similar situation - I am scheduling counseling for domestic violence and my wife has moved out with our two children and is 'hiding'. I've never hit her, but have done other intimidating things like hold her and block her progress. She's scared. I will be going to counseling and she will be going to counseling and hopefully we'll be going to counseling together soon.
The only thing I want is for us to get to a point where my anger issues are behind us and she is not in fear of me and our family is back together.
I am so confused about what to do and what the future may hold - I pray a counselor can help both of us.

Linbap: First of all, the police did not threaten anyone with arrest, they asked both my wife and I, if one of us could leave for the night, which I volunteered to do. The Police also said that by my wife changing the locks on the doors was illegal without a court order or order of protection,also which I do not have against me. Because I am fighting to keep my marriage alive I have respected my wife's request for me to stay out of my home. My new problem is my wife has told me she no longer love's me as a result of what has happened. Is that possible, especially with a fifiteen month old little boy at home. My wife has dropped out of councelling all together. Help!

Hey, I feel for what your going through. I'm in the same boat. My wife moved out, said the biggest reason was because she is afraid of me. I've scheduled and been to anger management counseling. She say's too much damage has been done, and that our marriage is over. But I'll continue to go to counseling, and with god's help hopefully I can get her back eventually. I'll try like hell!!! Good Luck. Do you feel a whole lot of guilt for the situation your in?? I do, I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for what has happened. On top of losing my best friend, I'm dealing with guilt. I'll pray for you.

OK! Everybody here and anyone in a similar situation request supervised visitation. It's good for you. It's good for your spouse. It's good for the kids. Just do it!

Sabby: I think my wife is going through alot of emotions understandably but at the sametime she is no longer seeing our marriage counselor whom she originally brought me to however I still am. My therapist thinks its because he was touching certain problems in her self that set the situation I currently am and she just don't want to face the truth right now. My wife has ahrd time of communicating with me or sharing her feelings with me. As a child she had a abusive father who would not stand for his children having an opinion. Out of his three daughters two are divorced and the third, my wife is on her way. But at the sametime none of this warrented my reaction. Jerry: That would be great, if she were willing. My best course of action is to leave my wife alone and not back her up against a wall so as not to make a decision.

Sounds like a good choice for now. You would know best. God Bless you. Jerry.

My wife has told me that she wants to start legal proceedings. When I asked her to clarify if that she meant divorse, she began to cry and said that this is so devestating for her to do. I explained to her that it is not only devestating but a tragedy that our marriage might be over. She went on to say that we would never be divorsed in the eyes of the church to which I said we new that by saying our vows to God when we got married. I don't understand if she feels so devestated and everything is in her control, why not try and work it out. I had to retain an attorney because of the above, because of our son and property, however I have instructed my attorney to send a letter to her attorney that I am still wanting to work it out. To date my wife has not spoken to any of her friends on what has happened, our therapist has tried to send her a letter for her to contact him with no results and our parish priest has tried the same with no results. What is going on. Please help me understand.

<p>[ December 27, 2001: Message edited by: linbap ]</p>

WOW! I think I said all the wrong things!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>"I guess loking back, I then entered into a very deep depression where my wife and I could not communicate at all,and when we argued it became at least I realize now, abusive on my part until one day I grabbed my wife by the shoulders and shook her."
"Later on we had another fight where I found my self so fraustrated that during the course of the arguement I pushed my wife away from me physically."
"About seven months later which was ten days ago, we got into an arguement about her sister again, which took a turn for the worse. I could never understand why my wife had such a problem with me, especially since I don't drink or abuse substances, I don't stay out at night and I don't womanize. I just did not realize because of my depression that I was actually mentally torturing her with my lack of response in our marriage.On this particular Sunday we began to argue about something involving her sister. We started out by trying to ridicule eachother on certain things in our house hold that we feel the other should be doing and not her sister. After that, the names and the vulgarity mostly on my part began. I subsequently lost all of my sences and grabbed my wife by the neck and began to shout " is this what kind of man you want" I knew what I was doing, but my wife did not and I scared her thinking I could do harm to her."
" No matter what the situation was and the way I could not cope with the stress of the situation at hand, my wife did not diserve what I did to her, I realize this now, I also threatened her."
"The police were called and because there were no injuries or complaints from my wife, they told me to stay somewhere else for the night." <hr></blockquote> <p>I didn't mean to imply that you were threatened with arrest or anything like that. I guess my concern is that you may need to look more at what part of the problems you are responsible for and try not to think about what your sil is responsible for. It sounds like you are dealing with this the best way you can. Please just keep in mind (my opinion only, here), If your wife came from an abusive family, you probably really scared her to death. That takes a while to get over.
Now I'll just butt out and let these guys take over!<p>[ December 27, 2001: Message edited by: linbap ]</p>

never-
If you were my son, I would get you the help you need and tell you to stay away until she calls you and asks you to come home-if ever. If you were my daughter, I would tell you to get counseling and never let the man who hurt you near you again, and only let you see the baby with supervision. If you were my husband, I would divorce you and pray that you got in touch with your higher power and resolved your rage issues. If you were my mother I would beg you to get counseling and steer clear of the person that made you so angry until it the anger disappears. If you were my father, I would never speak to you again for injuring my mother. There are many points of view that you are not considering here. What about your child's point of view? Children of violent parents grow up to be violent spouses, and even worse, violent parents themselves. It seems that you are minimizing the damage that you have done and maximizing your desire to get back together with your wife, instead of concentrating on resolving your control and anger issues. You have taken some very positive steps to solve these problems, now concentrate on perfecting yourself, not the situation.