Hi All:

If I subscribed completely to the beliefs described at sites like Restore Ministries www.restorem.org, I would not be writing these words. I instead would just be "waiting on the Lord". In fact, I do value their beliefs and I intend to keep waiting for I am a stander. However, I just can`t help feeling that I need other non-biblical perspectives.

My wife (who sadly became my x-wife in April 2003) started a relationship with a man in June 2002, 10 months prior to our official divorce. To this date, 19 months later, the relationship continues; although I have been aware of many ups, downs, stops and starts. The OM has wanted to move very slowly. His philosophy (roughly translated from Finnish) is "slowness brings goodness". The confusing thing for me is that their relationship is conducted very secretly; away from everyone in my x-wife`s life. No one in our personal network has met the OM; not our children, nor her mother, father, brother, nor any of our friends. It is just the two of them seeing each other just a few times a month. WHY? Why is my x-wife reluctant to bring him aroúnd if she is "so much in Love"? And why is he so reluctant to embrace the people in her life if he is "so much in Love"? If I truly Loved a woman, I would want to be part of and learn about every aspect of her life. It is as if this OM wants a relationship with a single woman, not with a single mother.

Has anyone experienced or known someone in this kind of hidden, slow relationship? What is going on? My x-wife seems to be giving up everything and everyone (including our children) from her past life for this guy. Can this really last? For how long?

The problem for me is that I cannot truly accept or believe in her relationship (and therefore be able to "move on") until I see that they are the "real thing". If I would see it, then ok, I would bless them and move on, but until I do, I can`t help but think that she and I still have a chance. The waiting is so slow and torturing though. I have thought about confronting the OM about his intentions, but I know that it would only serve to push my x-wife further away. And since I still want reconciliation, pushing her away is not what I want.

Perhaps it "is" best just to "wait on the Lord?!"

Please kindly help with any insight you can offer.


Standing and Waiting in Finland

<small>[ January 13, 2004, 02:23 AM: Message edited by: StandingInFinland ]</small>

StandingInFinland

A few things that come to mind are

1. OM doesn't exist but she wants you think he does so you let go
2. OM is married
3. OM is OW
4. She is ashamed of what she has done and doesn't want her friends and family to know
5. keeping secret and the anticipation of meeting occasionaly keeps the excitement between them.

As long as you are content with standing, it shouldn't matter to you. Just be patient and wait for the outcome

Good Luck and best wishes to you

StandinginFinland.......I feel your pain man. My EX has been with OM for 1-1/2yrs.....and I have yet to meet him, and my former inlaws have only seen him twice. I have told my EX I could care less if this guy is married (which) I know he is, but since he is around my young children all the time, I need to meet him. She told me "I will introduce to you whomever I am going out with when Im ready". This is after we talked about introducing anyone serious to the other parent because of the kids. Im remarried and my EX sees my wife all the time....and is quite friendly with her. I have YET to meet this OM whom is around my children constantly. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

the first thing that comes to my mind--

is that he is married--

I would guess that he doesn’t really want a relationship or at least not the kind you are speaking of.

Doesn’t Cary Grant confront the fiancé of Katherine Hepburn in The Philadelphia Story? Wonderfully funny movie. I think you can ask. I even think it’s gallant, but I doubt anyone else will.

As for waiting for the Lord… Many times I think the Lord is waiting on us! Then, too, I believe all prayers are answered and answered for the best, it’s just that sometimes, the Lord answers “No.” And He doesn’t mean “Not yet,” or “Maybe,” or “Let me think about it.” Sometimes, the answer is simply “No.” And we have to trust in His supreme wisdom and goodness and accept that His answer is the best possible answer.

And I personally, strongly object to people who try to wear God down with pestering and nagging masquerading as prayer.

Oops. Do you think you touch a sore spot with me? Sorry.

Dear All:

Thanks for the replies and insights.

No he is not married. He has been married though twice before, the first time producing a son, the second time in a common law relationship. I have met him. I know who he is, where he works, and where he líves. I have also met the woman he left for my x-wife; my x-wife`s work colleague.

The main confusion is that he has not met my children or anyone in our immediate family I have come to understand that he does not like children and perfers an uncomplicated life. But where is their relationship going if he does not want to meet my two pre-teens.

It is possible that my x-wife carries some guilt, but very very very deep inside. I have yet to hear her question her actions of ending the marriage to anyone. She feels completely justified in starting the relationship immediately after our crisis began; continuing it during our six month consideration period then all the way until the day our divorce was official. What she has done since our D-Day of course is completely up to her.

I think she is just waiting for me to get serious with someone so she can then say to the children; see Daddy is doing it too. Well, I won`t. I nearly went down that road, but I smartened up. I am just not ready; obviously right?!! Despite it all, I still Love her and will continue to wait until something shows me it is totally impossible.

Are there any standers out there with similar feelings? Are all the standers here basing their stand solely upon God`s will or are there others, like me, who somehow feel a need to be a bit more proactive. I mean time is ticking and none of us are getting any younger.

Standing in Finland

<small>[ January 13, 2004, 03:39 PM: Message edited by: StandingInFinland ]</small>