Please tell me what you think of this.

December 15th STBX asked me to take the children that night because he was too tired and possibly sick. No problem. And nicely STBX didn’t even ask to trade nights.

Then on the 16th, he said he may have to work the coming weekend, so if I didn’t have plans could I keep the children that weekend which was his scheduled weekend? I said sure, and we adjusted the schedule a little so the girls could see their father. Of course, it turned out, he was taking off for Florida to buy books at a house sale.

Now, he’s said that he’s said that he’s going to drive on this next business trip across the country and won’t be able to see the girls for two weeks solid.

I’ve always considered him very active with the girls because he was so much more involved than my own father. And STBX says that his entire life is the children and his work.

What do you all think of this sudden rash of changes in plans? Is this typical?

It could be that he's finally showing where his priorities lie, with him, and not with the girls.
He willingly will be away from the girls for two weeks. Has he thought of the impact on the children?
And continually changing set visitation times is disruptive to the children, they look forward to time with each parent.
Just because he believes he is a good father doesn't mean he makes decisions that puts them first.
Just my thoughts.

greengables

I don't now your whole story but I've followed a little. so here come my thoughts.

My family is 1300 mile away. I live near STBXW's family. I have thought several times about taking an extended trip to see my family just to get away from everything and try to clear my head. This would mean giving up my kids for that time as well. I too am very involved with them. More than most fathers that I know.

Maybe he just wants some alone time and a long drive alone can certainly give that to you.

He may come back a new person

WIWH -- I'm laughing myself silly with the "Maybe he'll come home a new person." Nope. At this point, no hope of that. Nor sadly would it matter much.

But I do like your point about the time alone. He's going with a friend, so maybe they'll talk about stuff.

It's just that we've been separated for so long now, I don't know why he'd need time alone all of a sudden.

Newly, I don't know. I do know the Florida trip was very selfish and mostly because of deserting his parents when he was scheduled to care for them.

My worry is the children. I worry about this switching of schedules. I worry that their feelings will be hurt. I always put these trips in very positive lights, "Daddy has to work at a show in order to help pay for school, clothes, the fun stuff you do." I can't quite say he does it because he loves them. He worked in exactly the same manner before he married and had children. Nothing changed.

However, so far, the children seem to be taking everything in stride.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">However, so far, the children seem to be taking everything in stride.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then you should, too!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You’re right, of course, K. And I do. And I really don’t care if I get the girls for an additional 6 days! More time for me. It will just be sad if my mother is right and that STBX will spend less and less time with the girls.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My worry is the children. I worry about this switching of schedules. I worry that their feelings will be hurt. I always put these trips in very positive lights, "Daddy has to work at a show in order to help pay for school, clothes, the fun stuff you do." I can't quite say he does it because he loves them. He worked in exactly the same manner before he married and had children. Nothing changed. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">are you worrying about the children who are taking this in stride, or are you worrying about you and your expectations are not as accurate as hoped?

You don't have to tell them Daddy loves them, its his responsibility. But you can explain that that's Daddy's job. . . and leave them to draw their own conclusions. . . If you start interpreting too much for them, then you will be coloring their world for them that is the danger of OVER explaining.. ..

they will be fine, and you just have to let your X establish his own relationship with them. . ..

wiftty

Wiftty and K, I swear I’m going to start my own threads more often so my friends touch base with me! Thank you both.

Nah, I pretty much don’t have any ego invested in my expectations, perceptions of the world. I simply readjust when I find it different from what I thought. I’m just not sure how to readjust now. So, I won’t. I had expected him to want to spend all available time with the children.

And I don’t color it or interpret it for the children too much. Just “Daddy’s there to do x,y,z which is his work.” Daddy seems to be very concerned that I don’t portray his work as work, so I’m extra diligent there. And I DO tell them Daddy loves them when we talk about the separation, what’s happening et cetera. It goes like this, “Your daddy and I both love you very much and we always will.” Now, please don’t try to tell me anything is wrong with THAT!

My older daughter is very concerned about where her father will have to put all his books. I told her he was probably moving them to his store and that there was plenty of room there. “But, other people have their things in there,” she said. I explained that Daddy chose to let them put their things in his shop and he probably still had room. Also, Daddy may choose to sell the books. Then, OD said, “Then, he’d have to go to a lot of auctions and buy more books.” Bless her little heart.

On the other hand, her younger sister had a big plan for the basement once Daddy gets his books out. She’s planning the rec. room to end all rec. rooms and she’s only 4!

PS: Wift, it wasn't hubris on my part to say my ego wasn't involved in my expectations or perceptions. I'm well aware that my ego is in my cooking, my home, my writing, and occassionally in my children. I only worry about the last.

nothing you have done or said is wrong, or do i disagree with. . .

I only said "you don't have to tell them." the reason that i say this is that if you over emphasis that point, and his behavior does not show parental love, then you are building confusion in you child's mind on the definition of fatherly love. If they ask, encourage them to talk with their dad, do not talk for him. . .

the only concern i have ever sensed with you is that sometimes you couch your fears as fears or disappointments of the children. . . and i only brought that up as a ponder point.

other than that. . . you are doing a fine job, (other than selecting husbands. . .!) and yes, as compared to my selecting wives! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

wiftty

But didn't you hear??? I've found my life long mate. Dyson.

Dyson is my vacuum cleaner. I'm totally in love.

Hmm. Interesting because I'm not sure my children are afraid of anything. They'd like us all to live together of course. But then, they also don't want to hear fighting.

But I'll keep your warning in mind.

You want to hear something funny? Sometimes I worry that I don't worry enough about my girls. LOL.

Hi Green,

How was the skiing? Would you be worrying about your STBX's relationship with his children if your Mom had not said anything? To be honest if he damages the relationship with his two children that is his own fault not yours. Just show them that you are there for them. BTW has he removed everything from the house yet?

I’d just really like my mother to be wrong for once! Boy, MN, you really got to the bottom on that one. No, half the stuff is still there. The last advice my Grandmother gave me before she died was “Don’t let him bring a single book into the house.” I laughed. Well, there was a reason we called her a witch. She knew things. Mothers, grandmothers, it's all a big circle. Luckily in my case mostly a good circle.